Tony had always associated hospitals with tragedy and trauma. The anti-septic burnt his nostrils, and his thoughts drifted to his mom. Fragile before her time. Of holding her hand, as she took her final laboured breaths, while they watched a movie. He thought of that time he had the plague, how he would have clawed at the walls, if he was not so weak. He followed the bright fluorescent lights, and Ziva who was always a few steps ahead of him, walked ahead.
They were here for a happy reason. Most people in the maternity ward were there for a happy reason. Entering as twos and leaving as a group of three or more. Maternity wards were the unicorns of the hospital, nothing like the ER and ICU's Tony had been used too. The tears were of joy. The cries of pain were not futile. There would be good that came of them.
They were surrounded by new life, and it was bewildering. Everything was so fresh and new.
He and Ziva had been brought into this world, by the arrival of Victoria Elizabeth Palmer. The two of them had been among the first visitors, getting baby cuddles in when the little angel was less than a day old. They met the child before Jimmy's family who were coming from out-of-state, and their chosen family who were stuck on a case, but brimming with pure excitement.
The day was one of pure joy.
During, the quick visit Breena wore a look of exhausted serenity. Jimmy, was buzzing partly on excitement, and partly on his usual neuroticism.
"They are so happy," Tony declared, as he met Ziva at the elevator bay.
Ziva looked up at him. Her eyes were glassy. He tried to gage her mood. Happiness? Sadness?
"They are," Ziva whispered, as she moved closer to him. Wrapping her fingers in his. Her hand was clammy. She hated hospitals more than he did. Too many bad things happened in hospitals. "So very happy. She is such a beautiful child."
Ziva had been the first to hold Victoria, when her new parents offered her up. Tony perhaps unfamiliar with babies had been more hesitant. He had watched as Ziva took the baby carefully, and held her close. She had sat admiring the tiny child, who had her mother's blonde colouring, but a nose that was all Jimmy.
"Did you mean what you said to me?" Ziva asked, as she pressed the button for the elevator.
Visiting hours were winding up, so the hospital was busy. He expected to be waiting for a while, and a full elevator when it finally arrived.
"When?" he asked, as he pulled his hat from his pocket.
"When I was holding the baby," Ziva clarified.
He formed an oh with his mouth. He remembered, watching Ziva gently rock the tiny child, and whispering looks good on you as he leaned close, resting his hand on the small of her back. He had noticed Jimmy and Breena smiling as they overheard Tony. They were newly indoctrinated but desperate to recruit more people to cult of parenthood.
"Yeah," he said, with a warm full-beam of a smile. "You looked like a natural, when you were holding her."
The elevator remained closed. Tony checked his watch, hoping he didn't have to pay for another hour of parking.
"I have held babies before," Ziva said, with a soft smile. "I was four when Tali was born, and there was always a new baby in the apartment block I lived in, my mother always took food to the new parents. She liked to hold babies."
The parts of her childhood, which did not feature her father, seemed so idyllic. So normal.
"I hadn't," Tony admitted.
He, after much probing from both Ziva and Jimmy had eventually taken baby Victoria into his arms. The tiny creature had been fragile, but also surprisingly dense. Tony had studied her tiny eyelids, and the way her tiny fingers curled around his big pinkie .
"Really?" Ziva asked, as the elevator came.
An older couple, with dark eyes, and glum faces. A reminder that the maternity ward still had its tough spots. Tony wondered what tragedy or almost tragedy befell the couple. A child born sleeping. A mother on in a coma. Bleeding that just did not stop. So much could go wrong.
Ziva offered the grey-haired couple a soft smile, as they breezed past. The wife's eyes were red rimmed. The husbands shoulders were heavy, with stress and worry.
"Yeah," Tony said, feeling a chill roll through him. "I mean I never had any siblings, and all of my cousins were older. Not that we really saw them much, especially after my mom died. I visited one Thanksgiving like fifteen years ago, but my cousins kids were already walking and talking by then."
The two of them stepped into the elevator. Finding the metal box empty, much to his surprise.
"What about your frat brothers?" Ziva asked. "Did you never meet any of their babies?"
He was at least a decade behind most of his peers in terms of wives and babies. Of course most of them had also weathered at least one divorce in that lost decade. His friends were grappling with trying to save for a college fund, and hopefully in a few years Tony would be worrying about dropping half a mortgage payment on daycare.
"Not really," Tony replied, realising just how old he was. It had been so long since he had seen any of those guys. "I always kinda hung back when they had kids. They didn't need me crampin' their style. Besides, parents tend to sort of hibernate in those first few years. Parenting aint the easiest job in the world."
"I have heard that," Ziva said softly.
Breena and Jimmy were technically the first of their friendship group to have a baby. Amira had been nearly four when she came to America. Much less of a baby. Not they saw the sweet child very often.
"Guess, we'll have to sign up to babysitting," Tony uttered softly. "Get more of the new baby smell. That stuff is like crack."
Ziva smiled, as the door opened to the foyer. It was busy, hospitals like New York never slept.
"You only met her once," Ziva said as they stepped into the lobby. "And you are already besotted with her."
"DiNozzo men always are by beautiful women," Tony said, as Ziva did up her coat, in preparation for walking out into the cold. She was much more sensitive to the cold.
"She has to be the youngest one that has caught you in her spell," Ziva uttered with an air of sarcasm, as they stepped through the automated doors.
Swish.
There was sleet falling. It was dark. This winter seemed endless.
"Certainly is," he said, as he tried to remember where exactly he had parked the car.
They walked through the maze of cars. Careful to avoid the bad weather, and other people heading the hospital that evening. Almost nobody walked leisurely into a hospital. People were seldom there for good reasons.
"I have been thinking about babies," Ziva uttered softly, letting out a breath like she had been holding in a secret. "Quite often lately."
Tony's mind started to do math. They had only been a couple of months behind Breena and Jimmy. Would Ziva be waddling like a penguin, by now? Would they have opted to find out the sex? Would they be counting down the weeks?
"Yeah," Tony said softly. "How you feeling? I know seeing Tori might have brought up some stuff."
Ziva gripped his hand tightly, and stopped him speaking.
"I will not lie," she said, as they located the car. "When I held little Tori, I did think about the miscarriage. I had some pangs of jealousy, but I was happy for our friends. They wanted their baby so much."
They had worked so hard for that baby. So much heartbreak had come before her arrival.
"I know," he said, as he let go of her hand, and fiddled with the fob in his pocket opening the car.
Click click.
Ziva took the seat next to him and pressed her seatbelt together.
Click click.
"I was thinking about the future," Ziva said, as Tony started the car. The warm whoosh of heat filling the tiny car. It was such a relief.
He finally cottoned on to what she was trying to say. She was talking about future babies. Their future babies.
"Is it too soon?" she asked, looking out into the distance. "I know you took the loss hard."
He hated the word loss. The baby had not been discarded like keys on the kitchen counter.
"No," Tony uttered softly. "Tell me what you've been thinking."
He started the car. The lights beamed into the darkness.
"I have not just been thinking," Ziva said, turning her head slightly to watch for any other cars. Drivers in a hospital parking lot weren't always the most diligent, with heads often polluted by anxious thoughts. "I spoke to my doctor, when I had my annual appointment."
He remembered her being quiet after the appointment. It was hardly the highlight of any woman's year, but for Ziva it brought up old memories. Luckily, her doctor was kind, taking the appointment slowly, and explaining every movement.
"I wanted to understand what had gone wrong," Ziva uttered.
Tony swallowed thickly. Ziva was still so hung up on the why. It had been months, yet this question still plagued her.
"You know what the doctor said," he uttered softly, trying not to sound condescending.
"I know," Ziva said, biting her lip. "I am starting to accept that."
They finally navigated toward the exit of the car park. He fed his ticket into the machine, and tried not to wince at the price. It had all been worth it, he decided, just to get a sniff of that new baby smell.
"I want us to be more prepared, when we start trying again," Ziva said delicately when they reached the open road.
He wondered what there was to be prepared about. They had fallen pregnant last time by accident. Despite Ziva being on birth control, and Ziva being told she would be unlikely to fall pregnant without assistance. That had been quite a shock for two people who had gotten through life without getting pregnant. Eventually, they had worked out that Ziva's birth control had been affected by antibiotics she had been on before their trip to Italy.
"You mean like financially?" Tony asked.
They were currently working through the money sessions of the pre-marriage counselling sessions. Tony had been dubious of the sessions at first, as the two of them had already been through so much, and in his words they were not twenty-three year old mormons. Still, they had found benefits. They were finally, talking about things that they thought would just happen. To formalise plans as they counselor had put it.
"I would not talk to my doctor about that," Ziva said softly.
"No," he uttered. "Guess not."
Finances had proved to be sore point for the pair of them. Ziva was insecure about her limited income for the time being, despite the money her father had left behind. Tony had started blabbering about his father, and he did not want to end up like him. He never wanted to have debt collectors or creditors calling his wife. They were still talking through the issues that had been raised.
I'm not my Dad, he had said as they drove home that evening. His voice cracking. I would always support my family; financally and otherwise.
"I talked to her about timelines, and prenatal vitamins," Ziva said, her voice becoming clinical like it used to on cases. "She suggested that I start taking prenatal vitamins before we start trying, and I get healthy for the pregnancy. She also wants me to make sure that I do not lose any weight, and suggested that I limit my alcohol when we get closer to trying."
Tony watched her through the rearview mirror. She ran her hands over her lap. Soothing the emotions this conversation brought up.
"The miscarriage didn't happen because you didn't start taking vitamins before we found out," he said, a frown on his face. Wishing she could move past this. "It's not your fault."
None of this was her fault. These things just happen, that's what the doctors had said.
"I know. The doctor told me this," Ziva said her voice getting quieter with each word, "But it could not hurt to be more prepared next time, no?"
It probably could not.
Still, he did not want her to obsess over this.
"I 'spose," he muttered.
Ziva shuffled in her seat. They stopped at a traffic light. It stayed red forever.
"The doctor thinks it might take longer," Ziva said swallowing thickly. "Next time."
He nodded. Ziva looked down at her lap.
"It was such a fluke last time," Ziva continued. "Even the doctor was surprised, with my history."
He remembered, those conversations in the early days after the loss. What if this never happens again? What if this was our only chance?
"Whatever happens," he mumurmed. "We'll get through it."
For better, and for worse. In sickness and in health. Til death do them part.
"I know," she said, as she turned to look up at him.
He felt her eyes on his face. There was more to say, but she was struggling to say.
"I want us to start trying, by this time next year," she said. "After the wedding, sooner rather than later."
This time next year, they would be married. Wearing matching rings. Their September wedding date, was fast approaching.
"I will be nearly done with my degree by then," Ziva continued, returning to a clinical tone. Trying to separate herself from this difficult conversation, ever so slightly . "We probably would not be pregnant by then, but I would like us to try. My age is starting to be concern, no?"
She had been thirty-two on her last birthday. He had taken her out to a fancy meal, and enjoyed their time together. She had worn those earrings that he had brought her last Valentine's day, and wore a smile the whole evening.
"I don't think a few months will make a difference," he said softly, as they started to reach a familiar part of the city. "We can wait until you're one hundred per cent done with school."
He remembered how sick she had been, in those few weeks between finding out about the pregnancy and the loss. She had been like a zombie. Pale, and fatigued.
"Maybe not," Ziva said, with a shrug. "But if there are issues, and we have to get treatment, it could be a long road. You wanted to have children in the next few years, no?"
"We want to have children in the next few years," he clarified.
They had talked about children in a previous pre-marital counselling session. Agreeing on a vague timeline, once Ziva was out of school. He still harbored visions of Ziva with a basketball under her graduation gown.
"Perhaps," Ziva uttered softly, letting the words wash over her. "I just do not want to miss the boat. I know how much you want children."
He felt his heart in his chest. Hadn't they had an almost identical conversation a year ago.
"Those words sound familiar," he declared, as they stopped at another red light. They were catching them all on this drive home.
Ziva's mouth formed an 'o'. A soft chuckle slipped from her lips. A chuckle brewed from nerves.
"I guess today has brought up more than I thought it would," she declared. "I am so happy for Jimmy and Breena, I do not want to taint that. Today is a happy day."
He nodded. Today was a happy day.
"It's okay," he said, offering her a half-smile, trying to lighten the mood. "You know I'm ready to have babies with you, the minute you say the word."
The car started moving again. Gliding through the near empty streets, making a woosh sound.
"You were much more ready last time," Ziva said softly. Her voice heavy, weighed down by guilt.
"I had less going on than you did," he said. The words tasting like deja vu. "Besides, you're the one who has to do the heavy lifting in the beginning. Getting pregnant changes more for you. Childbirth doesn't sound like a walk in the park."
Breena had given them a particular graphic account of her childbirth. Apparently the epidural had proved useless. Jimmy had nearly lost a finger, as she gripped his hand for dear life. Jimmy had shrugged this all off, none of it mattered in the end. They had a baby. A healthy baby.
"Maybe, we should talk about this another time," Ziva offered. "Maybe, this time next year."
They were pretty good at talking, a feat for two people who had spent so many years with tight lips, and locked-down hearts.
"Let's not leave it too long," he said softly, wanting to keep the door open. "I like your plan, I just don't want us to get fixated on it."
He did not want the two of them to be a couple who scheduled sex, and counted days. He did not want every period, to lead to complete meltdown with its lack of results. He wanted it to be like it was in the movies, with a child being conceived out of love, from moments of togetherness and tenderness. Maybe, they could start being 'less careful' as Tori Palmer approached her first birthday, and get serious if there was no sign of pregnancy by their first wedding anniversary.
Ziva nodded. A silence filled the car. They seldom played the radio, when they drove together. They always seemed to find something to talk about. They vowed never to stop talking.
The neon clock on the dashboard, told them the time. Way later, than they were usually out on a school night. They hadn't even had dinner yet. He could not remember if there was leftovers in the fridge. Maybe they could stop at a drive-thru on the way home.
"Our babies are gonna be way cuter, than autopsy gremlin's spawn," Tony declared, letting a smile cross his face, as he thought of tiny little hands. "And, they'll be well worth the wait."
He thought of tiny bundles of baby DiNozzo; dark hair, tiny fingers, and that sweet new baby smell. Her nose over his mouth. He wanted it all.
A smile crossed Ziva's face. Then a half-laugh slipped out of her.
"They will," she uttered, willing it into to universe. Her voice was soft and soothing, trying to soothe her own worries. "They definitely will."
A/N:I don't own a thing.
Sorry, I thought I was going to have this up last week, but life happened.
Thanks for all the love, reviews and faves. The support has been amazing.
The other day, I checked the reviews over 280, wow! That's like 8.5 per chapter. It's the most I've ever gotten. I try not to fixate on numbers, but with so much of fanfic is subjective. It's nice to have an objective measure. This fic has been such a journey, and I know not all plot points were as popular as others, but thanks for hanging in there.
The next chapter will be lucky last. It will feature the T/Z wedding #happyendings. It will be up in a week or two. Over nine months after the first chapter was uploaded, sorry for dragging this out. I really cannot thank you enough for wanting to be part of this journey. Especially, when it's been five years since Cote was even on the show.
I don't know if I will continue with this 'series', but I do have ideas for other T/Z fics. So, once this fic is done watch this space.