Chapter 7: Chapter 7
The next morning I arrive early again. I don't think I have ever had been so active in the few hours right after dawn before. But since Val routinely gets up four or five hours earlier than Lina, this is a really good opportunity for me to spend time with him without the threat of anyone bursting in in the middle.
He actually opens the door himself as soon as I knock, instead of just telling me to come in. At my raised eyebrow he explains,
"I locked the door for the night."
"Why? Is something wrong?"
"No, it's just that... Madam Lina said I could do it, so I had to try."
"You had to," I chuckle. Yup, that little bastard is my son all right.
He shrugs and turns to a more exciting topic.
"What are we going to do today?"
"Hmm, let me see. How about shiny objects?"
"Like a candle?"
"No, like glass or metal. Or eyes."
"Oh, wow! That's great!"
Naturally, I have brought a number of drawings and paintings of Lina, those in which I managed to do an especially good job on her eyes and hair. Well, in some of them there were also weapons, bottles and cutlery, so we could study various kinds of surfaces.
"She is really beautiful, isn't she," Val remarks absent-mindedly as we go through the pictures.
"Absolutely," I agree easily.
"Oh, wow, that spoon looks alive!"
"Alive?"
"I mean, like real. May I try and copy it?"
"Sure."
He grabs his supplies and starts drawing the said spoon, meticulously copying the shape and density of shading. I think his copy looks much more natural than the original. After he is done with it, we move on to the other pictures, and he copies several more objects.
"How did you do this speck on her hair?" he asks, examining a pencil portrait.
"Actually, I cheated a little. I used a kneaded rubber."
"Oh, so that's what you use it for? I've been wondering..."
"Yeah, you can use it for things like that. Or, for instance, see this ray of light? You just put two sheets on top of your drawing after shading, and roll the rubber along the gap. Go ahead, try!"
He tries several times and is utterly fascinated. He then switches to the issue of hair, making light and shadow pool in the abstract curls of hair in the middle of the sheet. It looks like he doesn't dare to attach a head to them.
"Ne, Xellos," he says. "Do you think it'd be okay if I draw her?"
"Eh... well, why not? I mean, that'd be no wonder since you live with her."
He beams.
"Great! Because, you know, she must be so much fun to draw!"
"Sure. But you'll have to wait until she's up if you want reference material."
"Actually... I think I'll try to draw from memory. I mean, you do that, right?"
"Yes, but... I've got a very good memory; besides, I studied her carefully before trying to draw her in the beginning."
"I studied her too. I mean, I was thinking of drawing her for some time."
I grin with one side of my mouth. So he gave some thought to approaching the issue. Nice determination there, little one. I wonder if he has my photographic memory, though.
He proceeds to draw Lina, just as I set out for another picture of him. Neither of my models allow for displaying my art anywhere where it might actually be seen, but, ah, what am I if not used to secrets. As his attention focuses solely on the work, I start a small talk.
"Did you enjoy it yesterday with Milgasia?"
"Yeah, thank you, it was very nice. I think he is really afraid of you, though, like Madam Lina said."
"Why do you think so?"
"Well, he wouldn't really talk to me with you around. I mean, not about anything he wanted to talk about. And when you went away, he asked me, like, a hundred questions about you."
"Did he annoy you?"
"Nope, I just hope I got the answers right."
"Why, didn't you just tell the truth?"
"I did where I could, but he asked about my opinion..."
I make sure I don't sound too pressing,
"That's normal for people to ask for your opinion. Did you have trouble expressing it?"
"No, just... I have this feeling, like, he wants to think you are bad or something. And he wants me to tell him something bad about you. And then he'll quarrel with you. But I don't want that, so I have to make sure I don't say anything bad about you. I mean, I think he would understand some things wrong, like, on purpose."
I ponder over this splendid insight into Dragon nature, coming from a five-year-old half-blood. Well, at least I can be sure that he's got my thinking gear.
"Well, I guess you are right," I say. "But don't worry. As long as you want to see him around, I will not let him quarrel with me. Okay?"
"Xellos..." he looks up from his work. "Why do you do so much for me?"
I recall Lina's answer. She is really a reference-book for me lately.
"Because I like you."
"But still, it's, like, so much trouble!"
If only you knew how much trouble it really is...
"You're worth it," I smile.
He looks at me, frowning. What's wrong now?
"It's just odd," he says. "No one ever liked me before, and then, boom, over a week there is whole three people."
The logical part of me wants to point out that Milgasia clearly was there before the 'boom', but somehow I don't want to add him any weight in Val's eyes.
"Well, if you recall, I used to come your way quite often before, too."
"Yes, but I didn't know why."
I have nothing to say to that.
"Well, you do now... By the way, you don't doubt that Lina likes you, do you?"
He cheers up instantly.
"I don't 'cause I can feel it!"
"Feel it how?"
"Hmm, like, in the air or something. Like she has a lamp inside, and it's shining my way."
I am rooted to the place. He can read emotions off the Astral body! Holy fuck! I barely hear him continue,
"But I never feel that from you or from Milgasia-sama."
"Oh, Val..." I try to gather my wits to answer him. There is just too much he has to know and doesn't! "It's... it's because Lina is human, and Milgasia and I aren't."
"What's the difference?" he stares.
A bloody good question, just for a quality-time chat over drawing.
"Well... it's complicated, but for now let's say, humans let their emotions outside, but we, I mean, Mazoku and Dragons, keep them inside so that no one can see."
"You mean, you can hide it?"
"Yes. And you can, too."
"Oh. But can you show it when you want?"
Oh no-no-no-no-no! He wants me to lift the shields! I am bloody doomed!
He probably notices my expression and recoils.
"Is it hard?"
"Not hard, just... I can't show my emotions to just you. If I stop hiding them, everyone would see. And there are some people I really don't want to know how I feel. So..."
"Oh," His face falls. "Sorry."
"Don't say it, it's my problem actually. Nothing for you to be sorry about. And, Val, believe me, if I could, I would. But..."
"But you'll quarrel with somebody if they know you like me," he concludes my death sentence.
I wish more than anything else that I could show him. But my Mistress is watching me at all times, and I can' let it on.
"I am sorry, Val," I whisper, looking down. I don't know how I will ever be able to look him in the eyes again. I crave for his trust, yet I can't even step over the fear of my superiors to simply let him know he is loved. I really hate myself and the whole Mazoku tribe this minute.
I feel something touch my hand. He has come up to me.
"Xellos, it's okay," he whispers. "You shouldn't feel bad about it."
He tries to hug me, I realise, but the table is in the way. I turn to him a little too quickly, forgetting all about my dignity, and embrace him tightly, lifting him off the floor.
We sit like that for a minute or so. A slight breeze from the window forces the door to open slowly, and it remains ajar. I know that I should close it, but there is a more important thing to do at the moment. Finally, I muster the courage to tell him the inevitable and hurtful part.
"Val, listen. What you said earlier about how you can feel how Lina feels for you, remember?"
He nods against my chest.
"You mustn't tell anyone about this."
He looks up in surprise, and I find myself actually looking into his eyes again without much trouble.
"Not even Lina?"
"Hm, well, I guess, Lina is all right, but not Milgasia, and no one else."
"Okaaaay," he appears thoughtful. I expect the inevitable 'why?' with trepidation.
"So it's like if they don't know, they wouldn't hide, like you, right?" he asks in a second. "So I can know stuff about people without them noticing?"
"Er, yes, sure," well, that's a much more convenient way of thinking. Bravo, my little fox!
"Yay!" he says, bouncing on my knee. "We have another secret!"
I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding.
My instincts must be really getting worse with all the strain of this situation, otherwise I'd have to admit that probably, somewhere very deep in my subconscious I wanted it to happen. When the next moment I glance up, Lina is standing in the doorway, greedily taking in the whole picture.
I assess the surroundings in a desperate attempt to find an escape route. Val is sitting in my lap, hugging me for dear life; his unfinished sketch of Lina is on the table, brushing edges with my unfinished sketch of him. Paints and pencils are scattered all around. As well as, unfortunately, a dozen of my most vivid depictions of Lina...
To be honest, I expect a Fireball. But then it looks like Lina has grown out of kicking the ass of everyone who so much as smiles her way. A twenty-three year old human is traditionally considered mature in all ways, behavior included. Still, I appreciate her reserved reaction.
"Ooh... well, I'm flattered. Sorry for the intrusion; the door was ajar, I thought to check if everything was okay. Val, I expect you at breakfast in a few minutes."
She turns and strides off. Val looks at me fearfully.
"She saw..." he has a bloody talent to state the obvious.
"Yeah, well, my own fault," I mumble just to make sure he doesn't get any ideas. "I should've closed that door."
"What's gonna happen now?"
I wish I knew.
"Nothing. I mean, you are going to have breakfast, and then we can continue."
"Oh," he sighs, and I feel slight disappointment. I wreak my mind for a reason and at last find one.
"It was an important secret," I say. "But now that it's out, we can't change anything, right? So no reason to spoil the day."
"Uh, sure!" he beams instantly. "Then let's go to the kitchen!"
I hover in the sitting-room while Lina is putting him to eat. Once he is all set, she comes out and shuts the door tight. I take a breath so deep as if I actually needed it.
"So," she demands quietly. "I am listening to your explanations."
I half-sit half-lean on the sofa's back.
"First of all, you should understand that Val has nothing to do with it," I begin in a very odd voice that I myself barely recognise.
"Oh, yes, somehow I doubt it was his brilliant idea!" she bristles. Great. I am so going to catch it.
"I mean, I know it must have looked really weird, but those pictures you have seen were all made by me. I brought them to show him some drawing techniques. He doesn't care much about the contents, and anyway, there wasn't anything inappropriate..."
I realise my mistake as she narrows her eyes.
"Am I to understand there are others which actually are inappropriate?"
I can't deny it.
"I see," she breathes out a long sigh, then starts pacing around the room. "So that is why those bloody lessons are always so early in the morning, right?"
I nod. I really don't know what's coming next. She might think it's unhealthy for Val to be around me much. Or she might just freak out at my folly. Anyway, I have to say farewell to the quiet friendly understanding we shared in this room just a few days ago.
"Do you actually keep them here, or bring with you every day?" the outrage at the idea of those pictures is clear in her voice, although her emotions are quite confused.
"The latter," I barely hear myself say. Why can't I muster any voice? Why am I so bloody distressed with the whole thing! "I, er, I mean, they are different each time. Depending on what the lesson is about."
She stops in her tracks.
"You're telling me it's just a coi- wait, are they all... all...!" she obviously can't bring herself to finish the question. I screw my eyes shut and blurt it out.
"With the exception of the two pictures of Val, they are all of you."
She stands still for a moment, then carefully lowers herself into the armchair.
"Xellos," she says clearly after another pause. "You do realise it is obsession, don't you."
I look away. Obsession? Perhaps.
"I didn't give it much thought, actually," I mumble. I wish it to be over as soon as possible, but my wishes are never taken into consideration by the powers that be, are they?
"Let me look at them," Lina demands in a voice that doesn't allow for hesitation. I still hesitate.
"I'm not sure it's a good idea."
"It's not for you to judge," she snaps, and I feel as if I was suddenly thrown into ice-cold water.
"As you wish," I breathe, heading upstairs.
I never picked them up after she left for the kitchen, there seemed to be no reason to hide them now. I don't know why I am so reluctant to let her see them now, when she already knows the worst part, that they exist.
"How many are there altogether?" she asks my back as we ascend. Ohhh, fuck, does she have to know?
"I am not sure."
"Well, by estimate? Thirty? Fifty?"
"Svrl hndrd," I gabble.
"WHAT!" apparently, she heard. Thankfully (or not?) we reach the room just at that moment. She sends me a dubious look, clearly unwilling to turn her back on me. I proceed into the room and to the far wall, so that not to make her any more uncomfortable. She crouches down to look at the pictures.
There are fifteen altogether. Six in pencil, others in paints. The one nearest to her shows herself through a frosted window, looking up from a book. Another is of her just coming out of the shower, wiping stray drops from her face, her nails and hair gleaming like a set of jewels. And there, a dark tunnel underground; only a small orb of light in her hand makes it possible to see her. Her Lightings are always of a warm, yellowish shade whereas normally they are quite dull white. In that one she is splashing water at her face; it's a sunny day, and the group has just stopped for lunch at a river-bench. She is smiling, and I know that she was actually smiling at me that moment, which is why the whole picture is so bright, it almost pains me to look at it now. I don't really know how I endured painting something so happy. There is Lina by the fireplace with a glass of wine, in the kitchen fussing over some dish... There are also several scenes which never took place in real life, only in my sick imagination. Such as Lina in some kind of royal dress with lots of jewelry in the middle of a ballroom. Or on a thoroughbred horse, flashing a sword. Or the one where she is looking at me (or any other spectator) over her shoulder with a somewhat playful expression, fingering the amulet on her left wrist, another one hugging her neck tightly.
The real Lina stops darting from one picture to another to examine and re-examine them, and settles down on her knees, staring at me unseeingly.
"I really don't know what to say," she utters at last. I shrug. I didn't really expect to hear anything new. She rubs eyes and forehead in such a lovely motion, that I can barely refrain from starting to draw it right now. "Why are you doing this?"
I blink.
"Doing what?"
"Drawing... me..."
Why is she so uncomfortable with the idea?
Anyway, as if I could explain. Because I only think of you? Because the whole world may turn upside down, but I wouldn't care as long as I look at you?
"You are beautiful," I shrug.
She looks up sharply with a flash of something between surprise, indignation and embarrassment. I am no good at these things, am I?
She promptly stands up and sweeps out of the room. I am no good at all, indeed.
Val's unfinished picture makes him speed up his breakfast somewhat, so before I even have time to recover from Lina's leave, he appears in her place, beaming and wiping the corners of his mouth (with a napkin, thankfully).
"Can we continue?" he asks eagerly.
"Sure," I nod. "I looked at your sketch. It's quite good, but too much to the left. You'll have to cut off several inches from the right edge, otherwise it'll be unbalanced."
"Hmmm, but I can put something else there, right?"
"Yes, but you'll have to think long and hard about what it might be."
"Good, I like to think," he says, making me chuckle. I go back to my own sheet of paper. At least, drawing Val is fine with Lina.
I am finished sooner than him, and use the time to collect and put away the offending drawings. Then I check the clock. I have a short appointment with one of my minors in a minute. Val is still smearing colours on his paper, tongue sticking out, personified concentration. He is getting quite good with paints now. He is covered in them, too.
"I'll be back in five minutes," I say.
"Uhuh," he nods, even though I doubt he registered the information. I chuckle and disappear.
When I am back, it is Lina whom I see first. Val is proudly showing her the picture. I feel somewhat envious. I am teaching him, right? Couldn't he have waited to show it to me first?
My chain of thought is broken as Lina kisses Val and actually runs out of the room. So that is how she is treating me now, huh? Can't stand a minute in my company?
It hurts. It hurts a big deal. Just as bad as it hurt when I got wounded while protecting her from Ghost Ma-ou. I have to grab the bed's footboard to stay upright.
Val stares after Lina for a second, then turns to me, a little disconcerted, but oblivious to my poor state.
"I finished it. Sorry, I should've shown you first, but I didn't know if you were coming back soon, and I really wanted to show somebody..." he trails off, probably, taking in my expression. I school my features and drag myself up to the table.
The picture is, of course, splendid. Whatever willpower has been keeping me from collapsing, is virtually blown away by the sight of this painted Lina. I have to support myself on the table so that I don't scare Val by falling to the floor. She is everything I could ever wished for. The Friend, the Lover and the Mother, altogether, something totally archetypical, and at the same time so real, tangible, alive. She is glowing with a warm, welcoming love, that makes me melt. And at the same time she is strict, powerful and ruthless where it comes to protecting her own. I can see both the happy laughing woman, and the small lost child. The angry warrior and the enchanting cute girl.
With a quiet groan I force myself to look away from her. I still have to assess the picture as a teacher, and as I recall, there were problems with composition. I turn to look to the right, and see... myself. He drew me. He bloody drew me!
Well, come to think of it, it's not that surprising. I am a considerable part of his life, aren't I? And there is nothing unusual with the idea of me sitting on the sitting-room sofa next to Lina (since that is actually what the picture shows).
In the picture I am... well, me. It's an odd feeling, really, since the only images of me that I have seen were miniatures in the Dragons' chronicles, and those were anything but realistic. In this one, however, there is absolutely nothing wrong. I mean, it's just the way I think about myself. Powerful, ancient, smart, funny, and, well, caring. No denying that anymore... He drew me with my eyes open, although not very wide, and my expression is both a neutral smile and a penetrating glare. He is so talented, my little fluffy Dragon. He was even able to catch the way I look at Lina, like my life depends on her next word.
Wait a second.
"Is something wrong?" he asks, anxious. No wonder there: Lina has just run away after glancing at the picture, and now I am barely standing, clutching the edge of the desk. Not exactly encouraging!
"No, of course not, it's, well... your picture is perfect."
He doesn't look convinced. I wouldn't either.
"It's just... I never expected you to draw me."
"Oh. Sorry, I didn't ask..."
"It's all right, all right, Val. I am just a little surprised. No one has drawn me so well before, and I am just a little... um, well, flattered, I guess."
"That's what Madam Lina said," Val points out. As if I could ever forget.
"Ne, Val..." I know I must go on reassuring him, but I don't have the strength. I have to know. "Do I always have this look when I look at her?"
He ponders a bit.
"No," he finally says. I almost sigh in relief. "Only when she is not looking."
I slowly sit down on the floor. He doesn't understand what he has done, does he... He might be smart for a Dragon of his age, but he is still a small child. An innocent one. He is not supposed to know how... things work... between people. He just wanted to do a good job drawing me, and my... attitude to Lina seemed an important part.
I hug him, for lack of anything to say. He is quite confused, but I can't do anything to help him. I feel like if I open my mouth I will howl.
She knows. And she doesn't want to see me.
I grit my teeth as burning pain shoots through me at this thought. Since when have you deserved nice treatment, Xellos Metallium? She befriended you, she forgave you, she helped you through the identity crisis... everyone has their limits. You have gone too far this time. Of course, Lina is always the opposite from anyone's expectations: she wouldn't turn away from me when I promised to kill her, but she would when she learned that I loved her.
Now what am I to do about Val? I really doubt it would do him any good to stay with us when she hates me, and I am miserable and defiant (as I know I will be). Well, whatever she thinks of me, she must still consider Val's well-being, right? I have to go and talk to her about it, then. She'll have to bear with me for his sake, at least until we work out a suitable solution.
"Val," I say, "sorry, but I have to go talk to Lina. It's kind of urgent. Everything is all right, don't worry. You are my precious little boy."
I kiss him and leave, only then realising that I copied Lina.
She is in her room, and invites me in as soon as I knock. I stop a few inches from the door, not daring to approach her.
"Ehem... I am afraid we need to talk."
She has her back to me, and makes no attempt to turn. Whatever hopes I still had, are totally demolished.
"You know, it's kinda weird," she says in a strained voice. "It's the second time I learn things about you from a picture."
She is still angry about her portraits then. I am so tired.
"I am sorry," I say with feeling.
"I guess, it's okay."
Can a conversation get any more meaningless? I have to state what I have come to discuss.
"About Val..." I start awkwardly. "I don't think it's good for him... I mean, with us so..."
"Yes, yes, I know," she suddenly sputters, "I should have praised him and all that, I know, I will. It's just that when I saw it..." she makes a brief pause, but I don't dare interrupt her. "He always grasps the very essence of whatever he draws, right?"
I make an affirmative noise.
"So... the way he drew you... I know he didn't mean to, but," I hear her gulp before continuing, "that faithful-dog look..."
I wince. Perfect. Now what, make fun of me?
The anger gives me the courage to stride up to her, around the bed.
"Forget the picture. What I mean to say is that if you can't bear with me- why the hell are you crying!" I freeze only realising that it wasn't at all tactful when it is too late.
"I don't know!" she exclaims fiercely. "I know it's stupid, and girlish, I just can't help it!"
I stay still, hovering over her like a scarecrow. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make any bloody sense at all!
Now. This isn't going anywhere. I have to get her to explain her behavior to me. I guess, I have to set an example. I am, after all, a man of courage, and I have no problem addressing delicate issues, especially when there is nothing else left to do.
I sit down on the bed not too close to her and start speaking.
"Lina, I love you. I didn't want to tell you because it's dangerous for me if the word gets out, and because I was afraid of your reaction. I am sane, meaning, not mad with passion, so I will not harass you in any way. Those drawings are the only way I allow my feelings to manifest. Now, if you feel awkward or insecure in my presence, we need to change the arrangements about Val. It won't do him any good to feel all the tension."
She snorts. I hate it.
"Xellos, really. Do you have to dramatise everything every time?"
"Me? Dramatise?" now, that's simply insulting! "I am not the one sobbing here! I wasn't the one to run away without a word the instant I appeared!" that doesn't sound like correct use of language, but I don't really care at the moment.
"Ohhhh dear," she moans. Then sighs, "Okay, Xellos, never mind. I gave in to a weakness. Won't happen again. For the record, I ran away because I didn't want Val to see me crying. I didn't even notice you were there."
Oh. I guess I do tend to dramatise things after all. I don't, however, want to recognise my defeat. I mean, I just told her I loved her, for Ma-ou's sake! Does she have to rub my face into every little mistake?
"Why did you have to cry in the first place?" I ask, frowning.
She takes a deep breath, then, after a pause, another one. Is she irritated at me being dense or something?
"Because," she says slowly and clearly without looking at me, "I was already worried about those pictures and what they meant; because until today everyone who tried to create a piece of art with me for a model ended up making a plush toy at best; because I never had anyone look at me like that; because everything just clicked into place, like why you brought Val to me of all people or why you always act so uncharacteristic of a Mazoku towards me," by the end of the tirade her voice is shaking, but she goes on. "I just got emotional. I mean, it was a great relief, because I knew you weren't crazy, at least, no crazier than you usually are. Satisfied?"
I don't like her tone at all. And she wouldn't say what she thinks of the whole matter.
"Lina, I still don't understand-"
"Xellos, dammit, kiss me already and be happy I didn't fry you alive!"
I stare for a second and then comply.