Chapter 9: Chapter 9

I wake up as the eastern horizon starts turning from black to gray. Something is wrong.

Well, the first and obvious thing is that I slept at all. Not that it's completely impossible, but rather odd. I wasn't bored, was I? Nor extremely exhausted. Lina is quite good in bed, actually, if a little traditional. Besides, it is quite different with someone who you sincerely want to please.

But something is off somewhere other than in me. I take in the surroundings, a little disoriented, like I usually am after sleep. Lina is here, locked in my arms, a couple of her limbs here and there on top of me. I can hear her breathe, which always fascinates me in humans. To be so dependant on something so ridiculous as air! Unbelievably vulnerable.

All right, so what the hell is wrong? I'm fine, Lina's fine, V-

Val. Something's wrong with Val. Damn it!

I vanish as slowly as I can manage under duress, so that Lina's body parts sink gradually through me and she doesn't wake up from the sudden motion. Whatever it is, I can handle it, and she should sleep. I don't even know if she's going to be as nice to me in the morning as she was in the evening.

I appear at Val's door, already wrapped in a dressing-gown. I knock.

He doesn't answer, but I can hear stifled sounds coming from the room. It doesn't seem that he's being attacked or kidnapped, though. I can tell there is no one else in there.

"Val?" I call. "Are you awake?"

No response.

"Val, what happened?"

Nothing.

"Val, answer me, please, because I'm worried about you. If you don't, I'll have to enter."

A sob. Absofuckinglutely perfect!

I push the door; it's locked.

"I'm coming in," I give the last warning and teleport inside.

He is awake all right. Sitting crouched in the far corner of his bed, covered in tears.

"Val," I say, bewildered. "What's wrong?"

He sobs again. I approach him slowly, not to scare. I fail; he actually moves away, pressing himself further in the corner, shaking his head violently. I stop.

"Val, it's me, Xellos. I heard you crying and came to check. There is no reason for you to be afraid of me."

Or is there? I check my appearance quickly. I don't look scary, or anything unusual, if one doesn't count the dressing-gown, but that is no big deal, and everything is appropriate. Maybe he can't see me well in the dark? Unfortunately, I can't make it light up.

"Val," I call a little irritated. "Come around, talk to me already."

I make another step towards him, and to my horror he darts for the window. I grab him across the belly before any coherent thought has time to enter my mind. He instantly goes limp in my arms, and I get scared that I scared him too much, and at the same time I can't help feeling how ridiculous the whole situation is. I am quite willing to make an offering to any god who kept me from laughing out loud.

I shift the child into a more comfortable position and sit down on his bed, keeping him in my lap. He is trembling slightly.

"Val," I say, beginning to rub his back in soothing circles, "what are you afraid of?"

"N-nothing", he stutters. Great.

"Now that is ridiculous," I say while hugging him more tightly. "Was anyone here before I came?"

"No," he sobs.

"Did you hear something scary?"

"No."

Fiiine, Xellos, patience.

"Did you have a bad dream?"

I can barely make out his whisper,

"K-kind of."

All right, at least that makes some sense. But why would he have one? I mean, I was here all night, so what other reason?..

"What was it about?"

He shakes his head violently,

"I can't tell you!"

"Was it that scary?"

"Uh."

"Listen, Val, I know it's hard, but actually telling about a scary dream makes it less scary."

His trembling actually gets stronger.

"No, no, no, I can't tell you!"

Oh. So I am the wrong person? Splendid. Well, no, darling, I won't take you to Lina. I'm your bloody father, after all. And I want you to trust me at least as much as her.

"Why, Val?" I say in a slightly disappointed voice. "You know I love you, right?"

The word feels odd on my tongue. Yesterday with Lina I was too preoccupied to think of it, but now I can. I have never said this word without irony before. It's so weird, to confess to something you always sincerely thought ridiculous. Not exactly hypocrisy...

It actually works a little. At least he looks up at me. I want to consolidate my success.

"I love you, little one, I do. You can tell me anything, it's all right."

I hope there is some meaning to these words for him. I don't really understand how the phrase 'you can tell me' can be reassuring. The 'you may stay silent' one works much better for me, really. But I need him to speak...

He relaxes a little bit, but still stubbornly repeats,

"I can't tell you."

All riiight, let's squeeze it out drop by drop.

"Was I in the dream?" I ask quietly and flatly while stroking his back.

"Yeah," he sighs.

"Were you there too?"

"Yeah, of course," he sounds surprised. Good, it's a distraction.

"Why, sometimes people don't see themselves in their dreams. Or they can be someone else entirely, like looking out from another person's eyes. Are you sure it was you?"

He actually hesitates. Oh, I'm starting to have a bad feeling about it...

"It was me," he finally pronounces, "but, like, a very bad me."

"How so?"

"Well, like, as if I decided to do everything wrong."

"But you understood it was wrong, didn't you?"

"Well, not really... I mean, like, I did, but I knew that I didn't... And I couldn't stop the me who didn't from doing things..."

Well, if the sense it makes is the sense it was supposed to make, we are all in big blasted trouble. And don't tell me I caught onto Val's manner of expression.

"I see. Was there anyone else?"

"Yeah, Madam Lina and Aunt Filia," he is silent for a second, then adds, "and some other people whom I don't know, but I think they really exist."

I feel like banging my head on the nearest wall. What the hell am I supposed to do!

Well, get him to spit it out completely, suggests the reasonable 'me who did' or whatever.

"So... what were we doing?"

"Fighting," he whispers.

"And?"

I press him closer if possible just as he starts shaking worse than ever. I don't know how to get him to say the last bit. Probably I should suggest the outcome myself, as if I deduced it. I mean, when people are fighting, one side has to win eventually, in most cases, right? But won't it be to hurtful for him?

Suddenly everything stops. He relaxes and sits up straighter, then takes in a deep breath. Before I have any time to process the sudden change, he looks up at me right in the eye, and clearly states,

"I wanted to kill you."

"And that's it?" I blurt out before thinking.

He stares at me as if I were mad or stupid. Then his lower lip starts shaking.

"Y-yes..."

I finally gather my wits somewhat and proceed with caution.

"Oh, Val, there is nothing to be scared of. Most of your life you were told that I was an enemy. No wonder you'd see such dreams. Don't take it seriously, sweetie. Dreams are weird sometimes."

"You aren't mad?" he asks even as tears start rolling down his cheeks. I kiss him lightly.

"Of course not, there is nothing to be mad about."

"But... it felt like I wanted..."

I decide I should, after all, start introducing this subject.

"It wasn't exactly you, Val. It was just a character in your dream. You could see and hear what he saw and heard, but on the inside, you are different."

"But I could feel..."

"You can feel what Lina feels, can't you?" I remind him. It's good that I have such a reference.

"Yeah," he sighs, and suddenly switches to full-bloom crying, this time sobbing loudly, and with tears everywhere. I take it for a good sign. Hopefully, his returning memories won't be such a problem.

Lina and I have discussed the possibility that some of Valgaav's memories may surface at some point, although we were both convinced it'd happen closer to coming of age. Besides, we knew that we'd have to tell Valteria Valgaav's story anyway as he would grow, simply because otherwise there'd be no way to explain how he ended up to be the last surviving Ancient Dragon. Also, there is always a possibility that someone unfriendly reaches him and tells him the story in an inverted way, just to break him.

So we decided to keep it as follows: once upon a time there lived an Ancient Dragon called Valteria, but he was killed by Gaav, and a demon named Valgaav was created, somewhat resembling the former Dragon. But this demon was a different person, and bad, and we had to kill him. And then L-sama decided it was too rough on poor Valteria to die so young, so he was given another chance. Unfortunately, many people don't understand that the new Valteria has nothing to do with the old Valgaav, hence all the bad treatment by the stupid Golden Dragons.

Well, now we have to make this tiny correction: the new Valteria also has a trouble distinguishing himself from Valgaav. Hopefully, we can get him to do it.

We sit there for a long time. Val has ceased crying, but doesn't fall back asleep, which isn't very good. It's already sunny outside, and the chorus of birds is deafening. As Beastmaster, I can understand what the raptorial ones say. They are glad they survived the night. Yeah, I am glad too. Shall I chirrup?

My noticeably idiotic chain of thoughts is interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Yeah," Val rouses, rubbing at his eyes.

Lina opens the door with an annoyed face, taking in a breath to say something, and freezes that way. I have the pleasure of watching her irritation fade away in favour of surprise, relief and worry – an odd mix, really.

"Oh Xellos," she says instead of whatever she was going to say. "What happened?"

"Just a nightmare," I reply, trying to sound calm but not too careless.

"Oh Val," she says in the same voice as when she addressed me. She then crosses the room in a single motion and lands at my side, instantly warming me up with the heat of her sleepy body. She pats him on the head. "Are you all right?"

He nods, looking down.

"Did you tell Xellos what it was about?"

I nod, but he hesitates. She looks up at me questioningly.

"He said it was like, he was fighting us and wanted to kill us," I say in such a voice, as if it were the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.

Lina's expression changes for a second, but she quickly gets a grip on herself and turns back to Val.

"And what then?" she prompts?

Why, but that was it, wasn't it?

He doesn't look at her, though.

"Ne, Val," she says in a slightly uneasy voice, "you can't just hate us for something we didn't do."

He looks up sharply, horrified.

"It's stupid to keep it quiet," she continues. "If you do, you will never be able to trust us ever again. You don't want that, right?"

His eyes produce a fresh stream of tears, and he shakes his head violently.

"So?" Lina presses. "What happened?"

"I... You..." it looks like he can't squeeze the words through his tightened throat. I start rubbing his back again, just to remind him that everything will be forgiven.

"We," Lina echoes, "killed you?"

I don't jump, but it takes me an amount of power sufficient to slay a dozen Dragons. Val nods sharply and mutely. And then suddenly the dam is broken.

"You killed me because I was trying to kill you, and I really wanted to do it, and it wasn't a dream, it will really happen, I know, 'cause these people, they all exist, and you exist, and you'll have to do it, 'cause I'll go bad and-" the rest drowns in sobs, and then he tries to squeeze out of my lap, so I have to get a better grip on him, just as Lina is saying,

"No, Val, it won't happen. It will never happen, I promise you that!"

As if he cares what you promise.

She continues to repeat the meaningless phrases, at the same time trying to grab his hands, which proves to be quite difficult. I am staring to be afraid that I'll hurt him if I grab him a little harder.

Finally she succeeds.

"Val, listen, let's make a deal," she says, and that actually draws his attention.

"What deal?" he whispers, shying away.

"I promise you that I will never try to harm you, and you promise to me that you will not try to harm me."

"And then what?" he asks, clearly not trusting promises. Someone is so going to pay for it.

"And then it will never happen," Lina replies promptly, as if it were self-evident.

"Oh," he says and his eyes lit up somewhat. "Like for sure?"

"Absolutely."

"Uh, okay, then, I promise..."

"No, we should do it right. Here, hold my hand this way, and repeat after me."

He shifts his hand into the correct position. I can't believe what I'm seeing. Is Lina seriously getting a five-year-old into a real vow!

She starts talking,

"I swear never to harm you...

Val repeats,

"...never to harm you..."

"...and enjoy my life and skills..."

"...life and skills..."

"...or else let the Sun..."

"...let the Sun..."

"...never set her eye on me."

"...on me."

"Xellos, if you would?"

I come out of my paralysis to realise that that I haven't stopped her. It's too late now anyway, so the only thing I can do is to split them, which I do with the sharp of my hand.

"Now, Val," Lina says softly, "you understand? We both love you, and we'll never hurt you."

He nods, his face pinched, yet another annoying set of tears flowing down.

"Yes, Ma- Mum," he says in a small voice, and I am suddenly so weak with relief, I almost fall back on the bed.

"Of course, baby," she ruffles his hair and kisses him, as he reaches out to hug her. I am trying to be angry with myself for not providing him with the necessary support and understanding earlier; or at Lina for the oath and for the trust he gives her, but I really can't. I simply know all too well that I can never be as good a parent as her. I'm not designed for it, after all, right? So my job is just to protect him from ill-wishers. Lina is there for inside problems. But she can fight for him, too. I'm really useless, aren't I.

"Well, sunshine," she says finally, "why don't you go wash up a bit, and then we'll have breakfast."

"Yup!" he agrees cheerfully and is gone in a split second.

I sigh. Of course, she always does the right thing, doesn't she. It's stupid of me to doubt her. I feel tired again, as often lately, and somehow spent.

She ruffles my hair, which makes me exclaim indignantly.

"Xellos, that was no real vow," she laughs.

"Huh!"

"It wouldn't be a good thing to get him into a real one, and you are quite right to think so."

Great. Since when can she read me with such precision?

"I thought we couldn't lie to him," I grumble.

"No, but I didn't lie. I said we should promise, and promise we did. I didn't say it was a real vow."

I moan. And this woman said on multiple occasions that she wouldn't do any business with Mazoku because they were too cunning and round-about!

She pats my back in a friendly gesture. Of course, I deserve the pity.

"Fine, what was I even thinking trying to become a father," I mumble.

"You are a great father, Xellos," she says as if she can convince me with a flattery.

"You know that I am not."

"I know that you are. You heard him crying first."

"I didn't. I just woke up because I knew something was wrong with him."

"But exactly, Xellos! You felt his distress through sleep after sex and went to check, dumping me after the first night. He can't wish for a father who cares more!"

I gulp.

"Uh, sorry."

She rolls her eyes.

"It's all right, Xellos, you did the right thing! It was stupid of me to think you just left for no reason. I may know better how to handle him, but I slept like a marmot through the whole thing while you were there to comfort him."

I feel awkward being praised like that. I am used to the idea that a person who can achieve result is always better than the one who desperately wants to be good, but fails.

"I actually violated his privacy two times," I say defensively. "I entered without permission and then grabbed him when he clearly didn't want me anywhere near."

"So I was correct assuming that you had to do the hardest part. He won't begrudge you these minor things; it's important that you kept him out of harm's way and managed to convey the message. I say, well done. Really, Xellos, well done."

I feel a little dizzy seeing how she looks at me – well, fondly, actually. That's a bloody praise on its own!

"Eh... Lina... do you... somehow... like me or something?"

She rolls her eyes again.

"Xellos, I'm a decent girl, you know! I wouldn't have slept with you if I didn't love you!"