Chapter 11: Chapter 11
A feedback-booster (c) me. The first reviewer gets to name an event to happen in the next chapter. The prize was already once conferred to Leafwhistler whose wish was 'Val and Xelloss having their bonding time in the morning'. Here you are =)
Go ahead, people, compete =)))
This time I only sleep for an hour or so, which is still odd, but at least doesn't feel as surreal as being out of it for the whole last night. The first thing I do is checking on Val – without going there, just through our mental connection. He is sleeping peacefully and, as far as I can tell, is watching a mildly pleasant uneventful dream. Good. I cuddle up to Lina who mumbles something about hating to sleep naked and then falls silent again. Hm, is she going to put on the pajamas afterwards next time? Well, it won't be unlike Lina to be practical even in this. Especially since she's getting more relaxed with me turning her anyway I like. Perhaps next time I'll get her on top... After all, the whole point of having Lina for a girlfriend is to pass her the control. She determines my son's life, she decides when to spend time with me, she is there for me to help with my mental bugs... Well, now I only have to get her to set the rules of our bedtime games, and it'll be a perfect relationship for me.
I lie there, musing like this, for several hours. I notice Val waking up and hear him get down to the kitchen. I want to go to him, but I don't want to leave Lina alone. Yesterday she made it quite clear that she forgave my morning absence only because Val was in a state. But now there is no clear necessity for me to be somewhere else, so I should stay. I don't want to upset her anymore.
At last, she wakes up. I watch her as she shifts her position several times, pretending to still be asleep. Then she reaches out and flaps her hand on my shoulder a couple of times, as I stare at her antics with anticipation. She grabs my arm and pulls. I shift closer to her, if possible. Only then she finally rubs her eyes open and looks at me with a dreamy, unfocused expression.
"Hi," she says. "It's good to see you here."
"I thought it might be."
"Wow, your self-esteem is running skywards today," she chuckles.
"Thanks to you," I smile and kiss the tip of her nose. She wrinkles it.
"Oh, Xellos, don't do that! Yesterday I found some chocolate icing on my nose when we came home, and I don't know how long it had been there!"
For some reason I imagine Lina's nose covered in the icing on purpose, as if it were actually a cake, and can't help laughing out. She sticks a finger into my side right below the ribs, which doesn't help the matters – I am actually rather ticklish. I can only counteract her in her own way: I lick her neck right under the chin. This time she cringes away and giggles like a three-year-old. We roll on the bed in a mock-fight, and end up on the floor – in that perfect position with her sitting atop of me. Unfortunately, she is in no mood to resume evening activities – well, she isn't exactly a morning person, is she?
"Wah, I hate sleeping naked," she says standing up and rubbing her arms. "I always stick to myself in the morning. Sorry, Xellos, it might be not exactly romantic, but I'm going to get dressed after the fun from now on."
She collects herself from my spread-eagle form and heads to the bathroom.
"As you wish, dear," I say, also pulling myself up. She turns on the water and starts filling the bath.
"I'm going to have a wash now, sorry," she says, coming up the door. Then she shuts and locks it. I gape.
"Hey, Lina," I say. "You don't have to lock me out of your bath!"
After a couple of seconds she opens the door just a little and peers out, face pinkish.
"You mean, you'd like to join?"
"At least I see no reason not to," I say, pouting.
"Okay," she shrugs and leaves the door open this time. I follow her and slide into what is more like a small pool than a bath. She busies herself with soaping the bast wisp. I watch her steady, knowing movements and wish they were applied to something else...
"So you have kinky pictures of me as well?" she asks evenly. My relaxation is broken beyond repair.
"Eh, yeah, but I don't think you should see them..."
"Why?"
"Mmm, perhaps, you'd find yourself somewhat... out of character, you know."
"Like with that kind of dull face and in a physically impossible position?"
"No! I'm not that bad, you know! Just... doing things you wouldn't do."
She gives me the Look, but drops the subject.
"How often are you letting Milgasia to come here?"
I like the way she puts it. So it's my decision. However...
"I'm not sure, really... I'm afraid I quarrelled with him yesterday."
"Huh? You what, didn't find anyone better to take out your bad mood on?"
"Not really... I mean, it wasn't exactly bad mood..."
"Oh yes, it was," she glares at me, and I'm suddenly afraid that she's going to beat me up now for yesterday. It would hurt, and not physically. So I drift up to her and put my arms around her, and my chin onto her shoulder.
"Don't be mad at me, please," I whisper. "Please."
She sighs.
"Xellos. What happened yesterday?"
"Well. I think it was because of all the positive emotions here. I'm sorry, I can't help it. Next time I'll make sure to get out peacefully before I start a quarrel. But it's my nature, and I can't..." my ramblings are cut off with a splash of water into my face.
"I understand that part," she says irritably, but she feels amused. "After I thought about it, I was actually surprised you endured that much. And it was even somewhat good, because it provided an opportunity to show to Val that people don't always quarrel about him, and he is not the prime cause of all misfortune."
I breathe out a sigh of relief, hiding my face in the curve of Lina's neck. Her hair is put up and fixed with an elaborate clasp, and the whole construction looks so unstable, that I'm afraid to touch it in case it falls down into the water, and then I'll get smacked and drowned.
"So what happened next?"
"I went to Zellas."
"Oh dear. And what did she do?"
"Nothing, really. I kind of hinted to her that she shouldn't be relying on me too much from now on, and I think she's got the message."
"How dangerous is that?"
"It isn't dangerous, Lina, she even expected it. She wouldn't stir up trouble. She actually took it better than I expected."
"You seem to be defending her," Lina looks at me suspiciously.
"That's my primary job, you know," I shrug.
"Really. And she is just letting you go?"
"She has no choice, she can't keep me against my will."
"How about going after me and Val?"
"She won't! It won't change my mind, you know. If she decides to harm you, I'd still leave, and on much worse terms than now."
"So you kinda think she is all good?"
"I don't know what exactly you mean by 'good' here, but, as I said, she isn't a threat."
"So you are quite a defender," she muses. What the hell? "I wonder, imagine, she gets attacked, say, by another Mazoku Lord. And at the same time the Dragons go after us. Who would you save?"
I glower. What the hell is wrong with Lina today?
"What kind of question is that! Do you have any idea, what's the probability of two such attacks happening at the same time? Besides, the Lords won't start anything among themselves as long as you are around, they prefer to keep a low profile. And the Dragons don't even know-"
"Xellos, my only question is, who would you choose, I don't care about probability!" she snaps, and is quite angry. Oh fuck, what the... oh... wait... is that jealousy? Oh wow, I never thought she would... and to Zellas of all people!
I sit up straighter and look her in the eye.
"Lina, listen. Love isn't considered a mortal sin among Mazoku for nothing. It's all about that once you're in love, you can't stay loyal to your immediate superior. By definition, Lina, love is a state of mind in which one would choose the benefit of their beloved over their master's. Of course I'd be at your side."
"Oh," she mutters, looking away. "Sorry, I didn't know." I kiss her.
"It's fine, it's not exactly common knowledge. And, though it's a selfish thing to say, it made me quite happy that you, er..."
"Am jealous? It should," she nods and smiles through a beetroot-deep blush. I kiss her again, pressing her back into the bath's edge.
"You sure are affectionate," she mutters as we break.
"Do you mind?" I hope I'm not overdoing it... or asking for too much...
"Nope," she strokes my cheek, letting a water drop run down it. "It's just odd that someone wants me all the time. So you never got to the part where you quarrelled with Milgasia."
Uh, all right. She doesn't want to talk about her previous unfortunate experiences, and that's just fine with me, otherwise I might kill the swordsman.
"I am not sure why it happened. I wasn't angry or anything. It must have been..."
It must have been me trying to alienate everyone in order to get rid of all the positive emotions flowing my way. It's against my nature to be good. It has to be. I don't have free will, after all.
"Xellos, I'd rather you continued before the water goes cold."
"Uh, yeah, sure. It is just this thing... It's happened before... I don't take it well when someone likes me. I want them to turn away and mind their own business. I mean, I don't want that consciously, but I act as if I did. Usually I can control myself, and with you and Val I am really trying to be good, but sometimes it gets the best of me, and I start a fight. I am sorry, Lina, but I am really not designed for being good. No matter how much I try, I still end up ruining it all. I think Milgasia was just a scapegoat, or maybe he was simply too polite. I only remember that I really wanted to hurt him. To make him hate me. Just because he didn't." I glance up at her serious face. "I can't control myself, Lina."
She pats my naked shoulder with a wet clapping sound.
"Did you feel bad about it later?"
She thinks I'm not beyond salvation yet? How optimistic of her...
"Not about it. But I did feel bad later in the evening. It was like a fit of some human disease. It hurt, and I was all strained so much that I couldn't stand. I think I scared some people around. They must have thought I was epileptic or something."
"Oh dear," she breaths into my ear while hugging me. "Didn't we agree that you should come to me if you need help?"
"I was convinced you hated me."
"Just a few hours after I told you I loved you?" she chuckles.
"Well, I handled it quite poorly, didn't I?"
"You did, but I didn't expect you to take it well."
"Am I that obviously pathetic?"
"No, it's just not in your nature."
"And you are just fine with having a lover who ignores your feelings and then throws a tantrum when you point it out?"
"You'd be surprised how many people do exactly that, no matter what race. But, ah, do you agree now that you ignored my feelings?"
"It would make sense if I did. I stumble over every stone on this way, don't I?"
"No, you don't. You are actually very good, you just lack confidence. But that will improve with time."
"Yeah, if I don't ruin it all before that. And the problem is, part of me wants to ruin it. Just to be free from the necessity to be good. And I know that one day I'll hurt you so much, that even you won't forgive me."
"Ah, well, you should consult Zel on that. He's been trying for, what, nine years? As you know, we are still friends."
I push away slightly to look at her.
"What does he have to do with it?"
"Just that he's been following the same pattern. You see, it's not because of being a Mazoku that you have these fits of breaking up with people. Zel is the same. And I am sure there are many more unfortunate people who prefer to be alone because love seems unnerving. It doesn't necessarily mean they are bad to the core. Just that they are not used to be liked. You have spent more than a thousand years alone – of course you'd have trouble letting someone into your life! There is nothing wrong with it. You will get over it eventually, because you want us to be together, right?"
I nod several times and very quickly. She smiles wider and strokes a wet line from my cheek down the neck and on.
"What am I to do about it now?"
"Try to keep aware of your desires at every moment, and tell me if I'm pushing too hard."
I don't quite understand her, but nod. I'll try. I'm used to learning on my feet.
"Do you think that kind of epileptic fit can happen again?"
"You are just swaying between wanting love too much and wanting out of it too much. I think if you manage to check your repulsion for care, the desire for it won't be so strong as to hurt you either."
"So it's like, all the pain I caused to you, Val, Zellas and Milgasia hit home? Was I really that bad?"
"Not the pain itself, but your idea of how much pain you caused. See?"
"Oh."
Well, that makes perfect sense. We already established that I have a flair for drama. So I caused this whole torture myself? Great, Xellos, your Mistress should be grateful that you are leaving before going completely crazy and destroying the island in one of your remorse-agonies.
"Yup," Lina summarises my dwellings. "Are you feeling better?"
Surprisingly, I am. And I am also suddenly aware that Val is alone somewhere in the house, while I could be with him.
"Okay, let's go get your offspring to do something more useful than sulking on the porch!" Lina concludes cheerfully, getting out of the now cool bath.
Indeed, I find him on the porch, sitting on the rails and staring unseeingly through the garden. I come up to him and put a hand on his far shoulder, so that he doesn't fall off, startled.
It turns out to be a wise precaution because he jumps and I barely manage to steady him on the rails.
"It's just me, Val," I say soothingly.
"Oh, Xellos... I thought you'd come from there," he nods to the garden gate.
"I usually teleport directly into the house," I say. "But today I stayed the night."
"Why?"
"Errr... well, I didn't have anything better to do..."
"Then why didn't I see you when I came down for breakfast?" he is simply interested, not accusing. Stop seeing your fault everywhere, unless you want another 'loneliness fit'!
"I was in Lina's room. I needed to talk to her."
"Oh. Ne, Xellos, may I ask you something?"
So he dropped the 'Dad' thing. I wonder if it's good or bad. It was awkward.
"Sure, sweetie."
"Why do you spend so much time with me if you can be with Lina?"
This time I am not imagining things. He does sound hurt. Oh blast this world!
"How about – because I like to spend time with you?" I try the simple thing first.
"But you like it with her better," he shrugs. "It makes sense; you're both adults."
Oh no, he isn't going to make it easy for me.
"Do you have any idea how old I am?"
He eyes me critically.
"A couple hundreds?"
That's Filia's age. I guess I look the same with her, which is disgusting.
"I'm over a thousand actually."
"Huh! Oh wow! You sure look young! Oh sorry..." he blushes and looks down. I rub his shoulder.
"It's all right, I know. And how old is Lina, do you think?"
He sends me a quick suspicious glance.
"Eight hundred?"
"She's twenty-three years old."
He stares wide-eyed.
"Is she even an adult then?"
"By human standards, yes, she is. But you see, from my point of view, there is not much difference between you and her in terms of age."
"Uh," he scratches his forehead. "I guess not."
"So, did I answer your question?"
I could have let it drop; he wouldn't probably remember his concerns after all the age-shock. But I really prefer dealing with things once and forever rather than bit-by-bit.
He hesitates.
"It's just like... when we are together, Lina can come up and join us. But when you two are together, I can't just join you. It feels like I don't belong."
Oh noooo, did I fail him yet again? Why haven't I made sure that he is welcome whenever I am around, Lina or no Lina? Can't I even stay in bed for a bit longer without hurting his feelings?..
I look at him, lost for words. He is so small, so pitiful. And he wants to belong, just like I do. So why does it have to be so hard for the two of us?
Maybe, because we both share a flair for drama. Hm. How bad can it make him feel, really, that I wasn't there directly as he woke up? I mean, most people manage to enjoy there lives without being constantly shackled to their children, right? And they aren't all neglectful monsters. And Lina is perfectly all right with sleeping in while Val's left to himself. Hm.
"Ne, Val, you know, I love you very much. And I am very happy to be with you. But I have a right to spend time somewhere else without upsetting you, what do you think?"
"Sure," he shrugs. It didn't work. I rake my memory for a comparison.
"You remember how you wanted Milgasia to come to visit?"
"Yeah... Is he going to come again?"
"What if I say 'so you'd rather spend time with him than with me!' and make that offended face?"
He blinks and then suddenly bursts out crying. Am I that emotionally unstable too?
"No, Xellos, I want to be with you, please, I didn't mean to offend you!"
"Hush, hush," I hug him and pat his back until he calms down. "Well, now you have an idea of how I feel when you say that you don't belong with me and Lina."
"Oh... I'm sorry..."
"You are our kid, you know that, right?"
"Huh? But my parents are dead and..."
"It doesn't really matter who your parents were, or what was in the past. Now you are our kid. You called us Mom and Dad yesterday, right?"
"I-I did. Sor-"
"Too late. It's a charm, you know. Like, a spell. You spelled us. Now we are really your Mom and Dad. Understand?"
He stares at me with saucer-like eyes.
"Yeah... is it okay?"
"Absolutely. It's very good. It makes me feel much happier."
"Oh," he finally smiles. "I really like it when I can make you happier."
"Well, then why don't we sit under that tree and learn something about magic, eh? That's the easiest way to make me happier," I chuckle.
He jumps off the rails and runs bouncing to the appointed tree. Well, looks like we better start with some practical exercises, otherwise he won't be able to sit still for a minute.
The funniest thing is that I have a strong sense of deja vu. It's like Lina helps me get rid of my bugs, and then I help Val get rid of the exactly same bugs of his own. I wonder if the children of Mazoku inherit acquired features as well as the, er, inborn ones (simply because it's rather hard to draw a line between those for a creature who was never born). If they do, I wish I dealt with my bugs first, and started making children later.
After lunch Lina declares that Val doesn't have enough clothes, besides, autumn is in the offing, and anyway it's been ages since she last went clothes shopping. I make up an excuse not to go with them, then ensure that Val realises how sorry I am not to go, and leave them to it. I have my own shopping to do.
My first stop is at a toy-store. I suspected before, and Lina has confirmed it today, that Val doesn't play when he is alone. He just sits still, staring into a spot. I have no idea what he is thinking, but today's conversation shows, that he comes up with the most unpleasant ideas. So I think I should get him some games to occupy his productive little brain before he comes up with more disturbing observations.
The store provides all kinds of the so-called developing games, and that's exactly what I need. I take my time reading through the rules and requirements of all of them, and finally pick fifteen boxes of mysterious clanking contents.
Then I have the needs of the other member of my, hm, family to see to. Well, it should be called family now, right? It just sounds odd: my – family... I have never associated myself with a group so small and so tightly bound. Well, every new experience is welcome, wasn't that my motto once? Yeah, that's when I fathered Val.
Anyway. Here I am in the middle of a ladies' evening dress shop. (I have wisely changed my own outfit to something neutral. At this point the last thing I need is a rumour about a priest buying an evening dress for a woman). I pick one quickly. I have drawn Lina in so many different imaginary outfits, I know exactly what would suit her. Then, after some consideration, I also take stockings and wedge-heeled shoes to match the dress, and then, gathering all my courage, I go for underwear. Of course, now that I have explored every curve of her body with my hands, it's unlikely that she'd get mad at the idea of me buying her underwear. But with Lina you never know...
"Do you know the size?" asks a fussy woman behind the counter, whose own size exceeds anything displayed in the shop.
Of course I do. Do you really think I'd buy underwear for a girl whose size I don't know?
"Sorry, dear," she smiles amicably, "It's just that men usually know the cup-size, but not the chest."
I snort. Not the case with me. I know everything about my Lina's build.
When I come home, they aren't back yet, so I go to the city to look for them.
Home, huh. I call Lina's place home now. I don't think I have ever used the word before. And it's been, what, two weeks?
I find them in another children's store. Lina is trying to get Val to choose a stuffed animal.
"Any three, Val," she is saying to the anxious kid. I appear at her side.
"Hi, I'm back."
Val jumps, but Lina doesn't. Looks like she's got used to me by now.
"Okay, Xellos, maybe you'll have more luck with it. I've tried everything, but he just wouldn't take them!"
Well, if Lina failed, what can I do? But if she thinks I can succeed, I won't refuse to try.
The boy is standing in front of a huge set of shelves stuffed with fluffy toys. He is looking at them with glazed eyes and a slight pout. I crouch down by his side.
"Well, what do we have here?"
"Toys," he says flatly.
"Anything you like?"
He shrugs. Maybe he simply doesn't like them, but is to shy to say so? I check his emotions. Hm, no, that's not the case. What's that now, longing... pride, despair... betrayal? Ceified's horns! I have to hug him and rub his back, but it doesn't seem to help.
"Now, Val, don't just stand here. Come up, touch them, see if they suit you."
As he makes no move, I reach out and pick a life-sized kitten, then slowly place it into Val's hands. He takes the toy as if it were a piece of especially fragile royal jewelry. At my gesticulation, he turns it around, and then almost happily places it back into my hand.
"Why, don't you like it?" I ask. A nice kitten, in my opinion. Quite realistic.
"I do," he says feebly.
"So shall we take it?"
He shrugs.
"Ooooh no," Lina moans behind me. "That's it, Xellos, let's go."
"But wait, maybe-"
"It's been going on like this for forty-five minutes. I'm done here," she turns and stalks away. Well, no one has limitless patience, right?
"C'mon, Val," I say briskly. "Pick two more, and we'll be going."
He still hesitates.
"Well, shall I pick for you then?" I ask, not really meaning anything. But he gives me a rather dirty look, and quickly grabs some kind of ferret, also quite realistically made. Good, I hate those pink-and-green bunnies. He then walks up to a toy wolf who'd be taller than Val himself if put on its haunches. He glances up at me with a clear challenge. I snort. Does he really think I'd forbid a toy because it's too big? I'd put up with an elephant for you, darling. So I nod and swoop the wolf with my left arm, while swinging the kitten in my right. Val catches up with me as we proceed to the checkout where Lina is still having all her items registered.
"I don't believe my eyes," she says at the sight of me. I wish someone of the high-levels were here to appreciate the view, actually. Me with a stuffed wolf and a kitten and a kid, happily standing in the middle of a children store. Sherra would've kicked the bucket.
"This isn't the end of it," I mouth to Lina. Clearly, we'll have to go through something about these toys.
The foreboding doesn't mislead me. As we come home, Lina and I make a point of dumping Val's new stuff chaotically onto his bed so that he'd be forced to arrange it the way he likes instead of following our set preferences. Then we have to answer 'yes, you may put anything anywhere' about five hundred times each, and then he finally starts on the task.
The result is quite neat. Either he was still afraid to be punished for wrongly chosen places, or he just has it in him to keep things in order, but anyway, all the clothes ended up in the wardrobe, books in the bookshelves and toys... well, on top of bookshelves. He probably had to stand on the table to reach there. Out of sight, out of mind?
On the one hand, that's clearly not good. On the other, I can't reprimand him for it because I just wasted a considerable amount of nerves convincing him that he could arrange things to his liking. Besides, the gigantic wolf didn't fit with the small toys, so it's standing on the windowsill, projecting a shadow that even I find scary. I run a hand along the toy's back. Its fur is surprisingly soft. Do they make them of rabbits? Whatever.
Val has had his bath, and climbs into the bed, still not quite happy.
"Ne, Val," I say, trying not to sound too pushy, "don't you want to take one to bed with you?"
He Stares.
I am a little confused.
"I mean, kids do that... I thought you'd like..."
He stares as if he's forgotten how to speak. At last he croaks out some words.
"May I?"
"But of course, they are your toys! You may do anything you want with them."
He sits up and timidly reaches out for the wolf. I kind of thought he'd prefer one of the smaller ones to share his space with, but ah, kids. I pass him the monstrous gray creature. He hugs it for dear life, and then disappears under the blanket together with the life-size toy. The whole scene is so ridiculous in its seriousness, I burst out laughing. Val sticks his nose outside and sniffs.
"Sorry, child, it's just so funny to see you with such a big toy," I manage.
"May I really sleep like that?" he seeks confirmation.
"Sure, sweetie. You may sleep with all of them together if you want. As long as there is enough space on the bed," I pat his head through the blanket. Surely, he'd realise by now that we mean things when we say them. Unless this is something specific...
I crouch by the bed to be on the same eyelevel with him.
"Ne, Val, did Filia forbid you something about the toys?"
"Uh," he mumbles. "There were lots on the shelves, but I couldn't touch them. They were there just in case someone came to look at my room."
I keep my rage firmly locked away.
"That's not the case here," I say quietly. "Your toys are for you to play with. Is that clear?"
He nods eagerly, and relaxed, immediately adopting a very sleepy expression.
"Da-ad," he calls in a whisper and I resist the temptation to grab him and throw skywards several times.
"Yeah?"
"You don't mind me picking the wolf then?"
"Why should I?"
"Uhm. Well, you know why."
I blink. No, I definitely don't. I mean, there is no way he can know of Zellas's pack, right? He has never been there, and even if, as Valgaav, he had heard some rumours, the wouldn't remember that now.
"Sorry, Val, I don't know what you mean."
"Just that... you smell like a wolf... So it's like you're with me even if you aren't."
I hug him together with the splendid, magnificent, beautiful toy.
"I wish I could have something that'd make me think you are with me at all times," I mutter into his hair. And he is asleep.