Hey, all! You may notice this chapter going up on Friday night instead of Saturday morning, and there's a reason for that. I'm going to be busy tomorrow morning (actually all of tomorrow, since I'm going to be watching a charity livestream with my friends, lol), and figured it's better to get this chapter up early rather than late. Fair warning, there's a ton of swearing (my bean swears a lot when she's upset, and she's in a pretty dark place now) and a lil' bit of sexy time towards the end of the starting flashback. Next chapter will be fluffy angst, and then after that should maybe be more fluff if I don't decide to be evil. Wow, I rambled a lot. Hopefully you lovelies enjoy this slightly early chapter! ~Shaymie
Lorin's POV
"Happy birthday, babe." James kissed my cheek as he put an arm around me. I bit my lip and forced a smile onto my face. I didn't want to tell him that my birthday was yesterday. Talking back only got me punished. I didn't want to be punished here, in the school parking lot. Especially not in front of John. I knew he didn't like James, and I didn't want him to have any more of a reason to dislike him. He'd blame James, even though it would completely be my fault.
"Her birthday was yesterday, asshole," John spat out, glaring at James. My boyfriend glared back, his grip on me now painful. I opened my mouth to try to break up the inevitable argument, but my throat felt like sandpaper. I knew that if I said anything, James would get angry. So I just snapped my mouth shut and let him take me to his car, giving a small wave to John as we left.
I texted Gil and told him that I was going over to James' house. He raised an eyebrow at me as he closed the car door behind him and started driving off. I put my seatbelt on and returned my phone to my pocket.
"Who was that you were texting?"
"My brother. He gets worried if I don't tell him where I am," I said softly, tucking my hair behind my ear. James nodded and put a hand on my thigh, sending electric shocks down my spine. I knew what was probably about to happen soon and I couldn't help but feel a bit excited. We fooled around in his car so much that he always kept a condom or two in the glove department. His left hand was still confidently on the steering wheel. He was probably the best driver I knew, though I wouldn't tell Gil that. It would probably ruin his confidence. I looked over at James. He was staring straight ahead at the road, but there was a small grin on his face as his hand creeped up my skirt.
"I'm sorry for forgetting your birthday, Lorin." His hand squeezed my thigh slightly. I looked out the window and shrugged. It wasn't really that big a deal. If anything, I was happy. I hated having special attention drawn to my birthday. I was another year older, so what? It didn't change anything. "You know, Maria's not coming by until later. That gives us some time alone. Time to do whatever you want."
"W-Whatever I want?" I frowned. I had never had the luxury of choosing what we did. That decision was always left to James or Maria. I just did whatever they wanted, like a good little girl. A good submissive, James said. I loved when he praised me. I lived for it. It made me feel worth something.
"Your choice. Fingers," he accented the word by putting a finger on the edge of my panties, "tongue, or something a bit… bigger. I'll be more gentle than Maria."
Oh. I should have known that a quiet night with dinner and a movie wasn't an option. I was still only meant to pleasure James and Maria, after all. I suppose this was just going to be a chance for me to receive pleasure for a change. I looked over at James, who was focusing on the road. We were already at his house. I had to make a decision, but I wasn't used to having so much power.
"Have you decided yet, babe?" he asked as he pulled into his driveway. I bit my lip as he unbuckled my seatbelt and carried me princess style into the house. It was empty, as usual. I looked up into his face and saw that he was smiling down at me, his blue eyes sparkling. I thought long and hard (pun not intended) about how to word what I wanted to say without sounding ungrateful.
"Can we just… relax? I don't really feel like having sex tonight." I regretted the words the second they left my mouth. The smile vanished from his face as quickly as it came, his face now twisting in anger. He roughly threw me onto the couch and slammed his lips onto mine. I felt terrified. He hadn't been this rough with me since the night we had met, but I refused to let myself think about that. It was in the past. He had promised he wouldn't do that again.
"I was trying to be nice because I love you," he whispered huskily in my ear, his mouth going down to my neck. I shivered at the sensation. "Just because it was your birthday doesn't give you the right to deny my gift. Do you know how hard it was for me to give up my power? Now, you can choose, or we can let Maria choose when she gets here. But I can't guarantee she'll be as forgiving as me. What's your decision?"
"I… I…" I couldn't think straight, which only infuriated James more. His hands were pinning me down to the couch, so even if I wanted to, I couldn't run. He bit down on my neck as one of his hands started creeping up my thigh and under my skirt. I groaned. He was such a tease…
"Time's up, babe. Don't worry, I'll make you feel fantastic." He was all over me, his hands roaming all over my body, not afraid to touch and squeeze my most sensitive areas. His lips went from my neck to my collarbone to my breasts, kissing and licking and sucking relentlessly. My face flushed as he ripped my clothes off. He tore his off immediately afterwards and rammed into me.
"J-James," I gasped as he grabbed a fistful of my hair. He said he would be gentle, but he wasn't. He was being rougher than he had ever been, and he hadn't been in me in so long that it was almost painful. Maria had taken over most of our nighttime activities the past few weeks. The most I was used to now was her fingers or her tongue. "H-Hurts…"
"Sorry." He slowed his pace and loosened his grip on my hair. I bit my lip. I closed my eyes and let the sensations roll over my body. It was only when I was near my high when I realized that he didn't use a condom, but by now it was probably too late to tell him. I had tried to deny him pleasure once already. To try to make him stop would surely earn me punishment. Besides, I didn't want him to stop. This was the first time in a long time that it had been just the two of us together, and it was amazing. And it was only 4:30. We still had at least three hours until Maria came by. It was that thought that finally pushed me over the edge.
"You're so beautiful when you do that," James murmured, kissing my face as I eventually came down from cloud nine. I was still shaking when he finally found his release. I numbly hoped that I wouldn't get pregnant. "I love you, Lorin."
"I love you, too."
I screamed as the memory came flashing back into my head. I didn't love James. He never loved me. He treated me like a fucking plaything, something that he could throw away the second he was done with me. He acted sweet until I did something he didn't approve of. He and Maria deserved each other. I hoped I'd never have to see them ever again. I hoped they burned in hell.
...But some part of me missed him. Some part of me wanted to be used again, to be fucked into submission, fucked until I could barely even talk. It gave me a sense of purpose. It made me not feel completely useless, not a waste of space like the Jacksons told me I was, like my father said I was… like my own mother said I was. Being a fucktoy made me worth something again.
I didn't need to talk to have sex. No words were required. It was nothing but pure emotion. It was the one thing I could do without messing it up. Both Alex and James loved when I went down on them. They both made me feel loved, but in different ways. I knew that James mostly just loved what I did for him. Alex was different. He loved being with me, having actual conversations with me.
I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself as I curled into a ball to keep warm. I was in an alleyway. I had no idea how I had gotten here. The last thing I remembered was King telling me that James was coming for me, and that if I cooperated, maybe he wouldn't punish me too badly for disobeying his orders. I fingered a few strands of my hair. I wanted to say that I had donated it to be a good person, dyed it as a birthday treat to myself, but that wouldn't be true. My hair was a reminder of James. It was the last piece of control he'd had over me. He said that his favorite thing to do was to grab fistfuls of my hair as he fucked me.
My phone vibrated in my purse. I pushed the playbill aside and took my phone out. I had over thirty missed calls from Alex, and several texts from everyone. I laughed bitterly as I looked at my phone. Why was everyone so worried about me? I was nothing but a waste of space. They should spend their time worrying about something more worthwhile. I pressed the call button on Alex's contact and held the phone to my ear as I looked around, smiling as I saw the remains of an empty beer bottle. Perfect. Alex picked up on the first ring as I crawled over to the shards of glass.
"Lo, are you okay? Where are you? Are you hurt?" I sat on my knees in front of the glass and started picking through the shards, looking for the sharpest piece. I wasn't hurt yet. I picked up a piece and tested it on the tip of my finger. It wasn't sharp enough. I set it to the side.
"It's pretty dumb to ask me if I'm okay," I laughed, grabbing another piece and repeating the process. This one actually managed to break through my skin, causing a small trickle of blood to run down my finger. A smile spread across my face. This one might work. "I don't know where I am. I'm in some alleyway and I don't remember how I got here. And…"
"And what? Lorin, are you hurt or not? It's a yes or no question." My hand started trembling as I held the glass to my wrist. Pathetic. I had done this before, when I had to punish myself when James and Maria didn't feel like it. Why was I shaking so much? This should have been second nature. I groaned in frustration and felt my eyes fill with tears.
"Alex, I… I want to punish myself, but I can't. Why can't I do it? I've done it before."
"Lo, don't do anything stupid." Alex's breathing was labored as he spoke, and I could hear the sound of his footsteps pounding. He was running. "You said you're in an alley, right? I lost you awhile ago, but you couldn't have gone that far. I love you, Lo, don't ever forget that. Don't… Don't hurt yourself. I love you so much. You're so amazing and strong and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you got hurt on my watch. It hurts me now just to hear you crying."
"Al, I'm so sorry."
"You don't have to apologize for anything, Lo. It's not your fault."
"You deserve better than a broken mess that can't even kill herself right!" I shook my head and let out another frustrated groan. I hated being like this. I wouldn't have to deal with this if I had just done the job right the first time. "I didn't cut deep enough! I was so close and I fucked it up like always!"
"Are you bleeding right now, Lo? D-Did you-"
"I'm talking about last year! O-Or the year before that, I don't even know anymore! I… I wanted to die. I still do. I'm nothing but a waste of space, Alex. A clumsy fuck-up that can't do anything right besides be a shitty sex toy and a human punching bag. James and Maria beat me because that's all I'm good for." I was a hyperventilating, sobbing mess now. I didn't think Alex could even understand me, because he wasn't responding. I sobbed harder. My vision was a dizzying blur. My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. I gasped for air, but only heaved another sob, my entire body shaking. I was so tired. I just wanted it all to be over. My grip on the glass tightened, causing my palm to bleed. I could end it right now-
"Lorin." I looked up and flinched as I saw Alex standing in front of me, his face flushed. His phone was gripped tightly in his hand. He hung up on our call and started a different one, putting his free hand on my shoulder. I noticed that he was holding his phone a little awkwardly and frowned. Did he hurt himself when he fell earlier? His eyes narrowed as he saw the piece of glass in my hand, and he gently tugged it away, ignoring my protests. He cursed when he saw the blood running down my hand but quickly turned his attention back to his conversation.
"...Jefferson? Why do you have Laf's phone? Never mind. I found her." He pulled me up to my feet and put his arm around my shoulder as he started leaving the alleyway, pulling me with him. I frowned and looked back at the glass on the ground. I still had to punish myself, but I didn't know exactly what for yet. Maybe I should punish myself just for existing and being a burden. Or maybe I should punish myself for not doing the job right the first time and getting rid of me.
Alex pulled me towards a McDonald's as he kept updating Thomas to where we were. The lights seemed almost too bright now. I was used to the darkness of the alleyway by now. The restaurant was mostly empty, with the exception of the employees. I numbly recognized this as the place that John worked… which was a ways from the theater. How did I get so far?
"I love you, Lo," Alex murmured as we sat down at a table. He kissed my cheek and stood up. "I'll be right back. I'm going to get some napkins to clean that cut."
I nodded and put my head on the table. Alex was back in seconds, his hands full of napkins. He wrapped them around my hand, somehow managing to tie them into a bow. My vision grew blurry with tears again. I didn't deserve him. He was too nice to me. I sighed as he wiped my tears away. I had to be better for him. I had to stop being such a useless brat. I'd do whatever it takes to please him, to apologize for him having to deal with me.