Happy Monday, lovelies! I'm somehow managing to get some writing done between playing Pokemon and getting attacked by my niece three times an hour! I was an emotional mess yesterday because it was Ben Platt's last day in Dear Evan Hansen. I cried while listening to the soundtrack and realizing that I'd never see him in the show ever. Anyways, hopefully you lovelies enjoy this chapter! Happy fun times may also take a break until Christmas because I had almost forgotten what I had planned for after Thanksgiving, curse my scatter brain. ~Shaymie

"Can you believe Mr. Conway?" Alex huffed as he walked me to choir. I shrugged. The second we had turned in our essays, Mr. Conway announced that the class was putting on Macbeth as an actual play for our final. He had even already casted everyone, with the exception of me. He said my "condition" gave me a reason to not have to perform. I looked up at Alex, unsure of why he was complaining. He had managed to get the lead role without even auditioning, and he wasn't afraid to rub it in Thomas' face. They had bickered for a bit before Thomas realized, with a bit of an evil grin, that as Macduff, he got to kill Alex at the end of the play. Maddie was casted as Banquo, and he had quietly complained that he wished he got a character that died in act one so he didn't have to do much.

"His wife is the theater teacher. I'm surprised he didn't try to do this from the start," I sighed. "On the bright side, since I don't have to perform because of my 'condition', I can focus on my choir final. If I even have one."

"It was an asshole move for him to call you out like that. He makes it sound like there's something wrong with you!" He opened the door to the choir hall and escorted me in. I played with the edge of my sweater as we stood outside of the choir room.

"There is something wrong with me, Alex. Several things. I still can't even talk to my therapist, you know. I have to write everything down. The fact that I even need a therapist says that something's wrong with me. I'm not normal. I can't talk to certain people without freezing up. I'm depressed. I have anxiety. Sometimes there's this stupid voice in my head telling me I should just… kill myself. I can block it out sometimes, but then it just gets too loud and the only way to get it to shut up is to do what it says. But… I keep messing it up. I don't cut deep enough, I can't do it. And then that voice starts laughing at me because I can never do anything right."

I shook my head and took a shaky breath, fighting back my tears. This wasn't the time or place for this. I should be telling my therapist this, not Alex. I told myself I wasn't going to give anyone a reason to worry about me, but like usual, I couldn't even do a simple thing like that. I bit my lip as Alex stared down at me. I wish I was a mindreader so I could tell what he was thinking.

"Lo… Have you told your therapist any of this?"

"No. I can't get the words out in front of her, and I can't write it down either. I… I feel like I can only tell you these kind of things. I feel like therapy's a big waste of time and money if I just tell you everything, anyway." The two minute warning bell rang. I sighed and turned towards the door. "You're going to be late, Al. Can we talk about this later?"

"Lo, you need to talk to your therapist about this."

"I need to talk to someone who'll understand! I don't want to talk to someone who's getting paid to talk to me, who's only going to tell me the shit they were taught to tell me! I don't want to talk about my life to a complete stranger! I didn't even want to go to therapy in the first place, but you and Darcy and Dad kept pushing me to do it and I didn't want to disappoint you."

"...We'll talk later," Alex muttered as the tardy bell rang. He kissed my forehead and left the hall. I sighed and walked into the choir room, where I was immediately greeted by the energetic Ms. Morris. She was by far my favorite teacher. She didn't care if I showed up late. Probably because she was late half the time. Second period was the first period that she actually had to work… Not that she had been working much lately. She had been sick all month, and today was her first day back.

"Hello, Lori," she sang, pulling me into a tight hug that lifted me a few inches off the ground. I giggled as she spun me around a bit before setting me on my feet gently. Her eyebrows furrowed as she looked down at me. "I like what you've done with your hair. I was convinced you'd grow it out like Rapunzel."

"I wanted to donate it." My hair was back to its regular sandy brown. The second the dye started to fade, I told Darcy to just get rid of it completely. I don't know what exactly she had put in my hair, but it got rid of the color. It was already growing back, losing some of the curliness. Ms. Morris smiled at my answer and led me over to the risers, where everyone else was. There were only a few choir classes left since funding had been cut for the program to give money to the sports teams, so the classes that were left were crammed full of people. I settled into my normal spot between Eliza and Maddie and looked up at Ms. Morris as she walked over to her spot next to the piano.

"Good morning, class! I'm so happy to see everyone again! As you may already know, finals is coming up," a collective groan went across the room, "but I hate tests. I just got back and quite frankly, I don't feel like putting together a bullshit packet. So I'm only asking for you guys to sing a little song for me as your final. You can do it solo or in a group, but no more than three people in a group. That's all. This is a free period."

I wish I could say that the rest of school was as good as choir was, but I spent the rest of the day dazed. Eliza and Maddie asked me to be in a group with them. I agreed immediately. Anything to not have to do a song alone. We decided to do a song from Dear Evan Hansen (surprising), considering that Ben's last day in the show was fairly recent. The only interesting thing that happened was Darcy calling me at lunch, crying, because she'd broken up with her girlfriend. Or maybe her girlfriend had broken up with her. I couldn't really tell by the jumbled mess of an explanation she had given.

I walked home for once, since Gil was staying after school for the culinary club (they had some kind of competition coming up) and Alex was staying for debate club. I spent some time in the choir room before deciding that I might as well go home before my sister drowned in her tears. I stopped by the store to buy some ice cream and other snacks, since I had a feeling that Darcy would need it. She was a stress-eater, but somehow she managed to not gain any weight. I paid for everything wordlessly, staring at the ground as the cashier handed me my change. I headed out into the snow quickly, my face burning. I hated being so awkward around people.

I texted Alex and Gil to tell them where I were before they could worry. This was the first time I had been by myself in awhile, ever since my second slip-up, when they told me that someone had to be with me at all times. It felt refreshing to be alone without someone breathing over my back. I appreciated what everyone was doing for me, but it got a bit overwhelming. I needed time to myself every once in awhile.

I got home around five. I hadn't realized how far we lived from the school until now. My hands were trembling as I untucked my lanyard from underneath my scarf. It was freezing. The key trembled in the lock as I unlocked the door. I breathed a sigh of relief as I stepped into the warm house. Dumpling ran over to me excitedly. I called Darcy's name as I walked into the kitchen to put the ice cream up, but didn't get an answer. I sighed and texted her, asking where she was. Hopefully she responded soon. I didn't want to eat all that ice cream by myself.