Hello, my lovely readers. This chapter is about Damon and is dedicated to my Guest reviewer who requested that he take the hot seat next. Next we have Klaus. Quick side note: this is not to taken seriously, at all, ever because it's crazy and supposed to be fun. I think… On with the show…

Chapter 2: Watch What You Drink

He was spinning. Why in hell was he spinning? Waking up upside down with his legs in the air, Damon Salvatore found that he was at a bar atop the mechanical bull. His head was almost grazing the floor. "Shit," Damon groaned.

"Hello there, mate. How are you today?" Enzo called, appearing atop the bull's head.

Damon blinked, "Shit. Enzo. You're dead. How in the hell are you here?"

"Don't know. Something about The Other Side crumbling," was Enzo's reply. "Here's a better question. Where is your baby brother and that little dopple bitch?"

"Which one?" Damon joked although his stomach turned at the thought Enzo had done something to Elena.

"Oh, don't worry, Damon. Last I saw them they were tucked away in their bedy by," Enzo's lips twisted upward in a sneer. "Together."

"Bullshit," Damon snapped.

"If you don't believe me, call them," was Enzo's quick reply with another sneer. "Or maybe you don't care what I think because you let me die. I thought we were mates. And it turns out you killed my girl and your brother killed me."

"He had to," Damon snapped at Enzo. "Stefan wouldn't just kill you without a reason. Or you faked it because Stefan may screw things up sometimes. But he's not a murderer. Except for when he's off the bunny diet."

"Really? How do you know that?" Enzo snapped.

Damon flashed forward and gripped his former best friend by the neck. "Because he's not me. Now, stay the hell away from my family."

"Make me," Enzo replied with a laugh before he disappeared.

"Shit," Damon muttered.

"Problems, mate," another accented voice called and Damon frowned as he turned slowly to find his least favorite Original standing by the bar. Klaus was bent over, showing his boxers… because he was not wearing pants. Why in hell was Klaus not wearing pants? Did he even want to know?

"Not until I saw you. What are you doing here, Klaus?" Damon snarled. He had enough problems as it was. The last thing he needed was freakin' Papa Original himself back in town.

"Well, as you were having a rather amusing chat with the bull over there I was having a lovely time with the former Miss Mystic behind the bar," Klaus announced with a grin.

"KLAUS!" Caroline whined as she popped up from behind the bar in a lacy, see through bra and Damon couldn't help but admire his ex's physique. What the hell, isn't that why he had chosen her when he blew into town in the first place? She had been his little, blonde distraction first. "DAMON! Are you staring at my breasts? Klaus, he's staring at my breasts. Make him stop!"

Damon could only watch in horror as Klaus' eyes turned yellow and Klaus sped toward him. Damon's survival instincts kicked in and he fell to the floor and slid under the bull just as Klaus charged toward him. Hearing the hybrid slam into the giant toy for adults, Damon grinned. "Missed me," Damon taunted. Seeing the look of rage on Klaus' face, Damon sped toward the doors.

When he was passing by the end of the bar, he saw a dart go sailing by his head and he laughed aloud. "Missed me again," he shouted over his shoulder only to hear Klaus growl once more. This was awesome. He may not be Irish but it seemed he was a very lucky man this St. Patrick's Day as he almost got to door.

Suddenly, Damon found himself face to face with Caroline. She was wearing what Damon could only assume were Klaus' leather pants from season four since she fit in them and he had never seen Caroline in leather. It wasn't such a bad look. He did not have long to think about this when Caroline punched him in the face and he went flying onto the bar top. Caroline hopped onto the bar and strutted toward him before straddling him. Leaning down, she snarled, her eyes turning yellow.

"What the hell?" Damon yelped. "Are you a hybrid?"

"Of course. I mean seriously, they could at least give me one good storyline this season and apparently there was like this needle from Dr. Wes who was experimenting and he was going to make an army of hybrids to kill the vampires who then would have to be killed by the witches who would then have to be killed by the -" Caroline rambled on and Damon rolled his eyes.

"Is there a point here or is my punishment the sound of your voice?" Damon asked slowly, trying to not look at her chest that was right in his face. He was a dude, so it was a little hard to keep his eyes on hers. But with Klaus leaning against the bar it added incentive to not.

"Would you rather fight?" Caroline asked, pouting.

"Duh," Damon rolled his eyes again.

"Fine," Caroline sighed before picking up a bottle and smashing Damon's nose in with it.

"Ow," Damon wailed. "My nose."

"You sound like Marsha Brady," Caroline exclaimed with a laugh before taking a sip from the now open bottle.

"Who is this Marsha Brady?" Klaus inquired. "Have I met her?"

"Dear God, don't you dare start that conversation. I swear I will stake myself," Damon screamed in horror.

Ignoring him, Caroline began to explain The Brady Bunch beginning with season one as Klaus pulled out a bottle of bourbon and continued to move it within Damon's reach only to snatch it away before Damon could reach it. Every once in a while Caroline would shift her position and Damon would bite back a groan because he knew that if he made a sound that indicated to Klaus that he was getting anything out of this the hybrid would torture him until he died slowly and painfully. Although that might be better than this.

By season three, Damon had had enough. Sitting up, he attempted to throw Caroline off of him. "Damn it. I'm older than you are. That means I'm stronger. Now, get the hell off of me," he shouted in frustration as the blonde simply shoved him back down like it was nothing.

"Well, I'm not done and I'm angrier. So, just sit back and enjoy yourself," Caroline snapped before wriggling and Klaus raised an eyebrow.

"What?" Klaus murmured, his lids heavy with alcohol but he was beginning to look like he was about to have one of his usual psychotic rants. Damon do did not want to be a part of this.

"Nothing, Klausy," Caroline whispered with a giggle as Klaus snarled at the nickname.

"Do not call me that," Klaus snarled at Caroline, his lips pealing backward to reveal his fangs.

"Why, are you going to punish me for being a naughty girl?" Caroline replied with a grin and Damon shook his head in horror.

"Yes," Klaus snapped, yanking Caroline off of Damon and as Damon sat up, he saw them fly back over the bar top. This made the perfect opportunity for Damon to get the hell out of the bar.

Running out the door and into the parking lot, he was almost hit by Kol Mikaelson who was driving his Camaro. "Son of bitch," Damon snarled as he stared at the youngest Original brother who had half of the female population of Mystic Falls in his backseat.

"Hello there, Salvatore. Thanks for allowing me the use of your vehicle. Turns out girls do like vintage things." Laughing Kol took off for parts unknown.

Damon ran after the car, screaming for help, "Someone is stealing my baby. Dear God. Make him stop."

"Damon," Liz shouted, pulling up in her own car.

"Liz, thank God. I need a ride. Kol is back and he took the only thing that I truly love in this world," Damon screamed at Liz, shoving his hands into his hair.

"He took Elena," Liz guessed.

"No," Damon snapped.

"He took Stefan," Liz guessed again.

"No," Damon shook his head.

"He took the bourbon," Liz replied as someone began to squawk over the police radio. "Could they allow me just one minute of peace?" Liz groaned before reaching forward and turning the radio off. "It's like they expect me to answer when something is going wrong. Everyone knows that the Sheriff is not responsible for anything except for having a tidy desk but not too tidy, asking suspects' questions I really could care less about the answers to and drinking lots and lots of coffee. Oh, and leaving my underage daughter alone at night."

"So, that's why Caroline talks so much. I thought it was from Bill," Damon shook his head, with a bad feeling building up inside.

"Now, what is that Kol took from you again?" Liz asked, giving Damon her best worried for you but not really because she was thinking about a glazed doughnut look.

"He took my car," Damon yelled.

Liz gave him a horrified look. "Oh, Damon," getting out of her car, she walked around the vehicle and hugged him. "I am so sorry for your lose. It's like losing Ric all over again. Isn't it."

"I'm right here," Alaric called, coming to stand beside the two but they did not seem to notice him even when he began to do back handsprings and then to twerk.

"Could you give me a description of what Kol looks like?" Liz inquired quietly.

Damon blinked, "Why do you mean need a description of Kol?"

"I was never in a scene with him. Maybe if I asked Carol she could tell me," Liz said, thoughtfully.

"How 'bout not since Carol has been dead since season four. You remember, you delivered a speech for her in the gym at the high school," Damon rolled his eyes five times as he spoke.

"Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. It's just so hard to keep up with how many people die around here," Liz yawned. "And I'm pulling double duty, writing for this new show called The Originals."

"So, you should know what Kol looks like if you're writing for that damn spin-off. I told you that it was too soon. No one ever listens to me/" Shaking his head in disgust, Damon looked over to see Kol speeding by them. The Original popped his head out and waved. "There. That's him."

Liz twisted her head. "I'm sorry. There's something blocking my view. Hey, idiot, get out of road before I have to write a report about your death. That takes too much time." She gave Alaric a disgusted look who stopped and headed toward them. "Some people are so unaware of what is going on around them. Now, where were we? Oh, yes, can you give me a description of this Kol person?"

"Google it. I'm going home," Damon yelled before trudging away.

"Oh, here he is. Hey, he's getting his own show, too," Liz shouted after Damon who was ignoring her.

"Damn them. Damn them all," Damon snarled as he walked down the road and Alaric began to jog beside him. "Man, I miss Ric. Even when he was trying to kill me and everyone I cared about he would never steal my car. Where are you, Ric? If The Other Side is coming down you should be here with me."

"I am, Damon. I'm right here," Alaric called out to Damon.

Shaking his head in his rage, Damon stared ahead of him. "You know I should dig you up and sit you on the front lawn to scare the trick-or-treaters with for Halloween because I hate kids."

"No, you don't," Alaric replied as he jogged. "You would make a great father. I mean look at how badly you've done with Jeremy. I couldn't be prouder."

"I really, really hate kids," Damon snarled as a group of Girl Scouts appeared on the sidewalk ahead of him. They were holding hands and singing the national anthem. "This day is about to get a lot better."

"Damon, no!" Alaric shouted as Damon sped after girl scouts. Alaric started to go after Damon when Kol pulled over the curb and ran over Alaric with Damon's car. Kol began to laugh heartily.

Liz drove by and peered out the window. "Idiot," she grumbled as she pulled over and pulled out her pad to fill out the report. She did not pay attention to Damon approaching the two little girls.

"Hello, girls. Can I make a purchase?" Damon called to the girls who turned around. Staring in horror at the children, Damon would recognize his brother and Elena anywhere. Except they were now eight year-old girls and were smiling up at him. "What the hell!" Damon moaned.

"Hello, would you like a bourbon cookie?" Stefan asked with a high pitched giggle. "Liv said she would fix this but I like this body better. It feels natural."

"Oh, my God," Damon groaned as his baby brother began to twirl a long pigtail before giggling again.

"Come on, Stephanie, I don't think he wants the cookies after all. Let's go find Bonnie. She might want a cookie since she is going to die. Cookies always cheer me up and rainbows and balloons and Mondays and purple things except for Barney who's creepy and sunshine," little Elena announced before walking away.

"Bye, Damon. Wait up, Lena," Stefan shouted as he ran after Elena.

Trudging back to the Boarding House in a daze, Damon pulled the front door open and sped into the Great Room. He really needed a drink. Picking up his bottle of bourbon, he found that it was empty. Yelling in frustration, he threw it at the fireplace, watching it smash to bits.

"Having a bad day?" Markos called out and Damon whirled around.

"This is all you fault!" Damon accused.

"I didn't write the script. You can't blame me. I just got the job. And I have to support myself somehow," Markos replied.

Damon deflated, "That's true. I really need a drink."

"Then it's a good thing I brought this," Markos pulled out a bottle of bourbon and handed it to Damon. Smiling gratefully, Damon took the bottle and began to drink it down steadily. He was so thirsty. It wasn't until he had downed half the bottle that he realized that it was full of vervain and werewolf's venom.

Clawing at his throat, Damon stared up at Markos. "Why?" He groaned, coughing and dropping to his knees.

"Because the universe said that Stefan and Elena have to be together. They did not specify what gender they had to be or whether that meant that they had to marry and live out a happy existence together. They could always get an apartment in New York and live like Will and Grace if Grace never married and Will was a female."

"I really hate this day," Damon said as he looked down at his body.

"You and me both, buddy," Alaric replied, holding out a bottle of bourbon.

"Ric," Damon shouted, turning to embrace his friend.

Ric rolled his eyes, "Of course. Now, he sees me."

"I missed you, man," Damon told Ric as Alaric shook his head. "Let me tell you about the crappiest day I have had in the last forty-eight hours." After an hour Ric wished he was corporal so that he could hang himself.

Who's up next for a game of mock me central?

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Peace,

LL