Hey, my lovely readers. I'm going to be rotating some on billion stories because I have headache that would rival something you see on one of the shows. So, I'm going to try to update what I can when I can but until the pain stops I am not making any promises to anyone about anything.

This chapter is Klaus and a few ladies of TO centric because it's a request and I have no problem with mocking anyone of anything. So, yeah, next week is Jeremy's turn. Please, send me requests because thinking is really is not so easy right now. Thanks.

Chapter 3: A White Oak Valentine

Trudging through the door of Rousseau's, Klaus glowered at the other people in the bar. He had nothing better to do with his life. Therefore drinking seemed like the opportune thing to do. Maybe he would tell Cami, his fake therapist all about his problems.

Just his luck the bartender was standing at the bar staring at a text book. Whenever a customer came to the bar, she would unscrew a bottle of whatever her hand found while she was engrossed in her reading and pour it onto the bar top. Maybe the customer would get part of the drink. Maybe not. Probably not.

Going to sit at the end of the bar, Klaus watched the bartender closely. She was so very, very, very, veeeeeerrrrryyyyy ordinary. But somehow it did not bother Klaus that she was this silly, little human who liked to make herself into a human blood bag from time to time. Then there was the bit where she threatened to expose him to the world as a vampire but that was silly because everyone would just say she was insane and lock her up in a padded room. Then there was the bit where she was slightly insane.

"Get you own damn drink. What the hell? Do I look like I work here or something? I have an exam and then I have to go have sex with Marcel Gerard because Klaus does like it that way and Rebekah left so Marcel has to do someone," Camille screamed at the empty stool in front of her, causing a few customers to look up warily before walking out the door in a hurry.

Yes, that was Cami. 'It was nice having a human friend,' Klaus thought to himself with a smile. 'She'll probably die or try to kill me whereupon I will have to end her life like her uncle. But I hate to be alone and, after all, I did used to hang out with Stefan so I do not have great taste in friends.'

Getting up, Klaus slid into the seat next to the one he had occupied. Cami continued to read like she had no idea that he was there. She reminded him of someone. He just couldn't think of who is was. Perhaps it was Matt. Yes, that's who it must be. It was a wonder that Rebekah did not try to involve herself with Cami; after all, Cami was her type. Then again, Klaus thought that Rebekah usually preferred the company of men. But who knew. They had lived for over a thousand years and his spies told him…

"Klaus, are you going to just sit there and awkwardly stare at Cami all day or are you going to make yourself useful for once?" Hayley demanded and Klaus' eyebrows rose.

"What are you doing here, little wolf? You are supposed to be at the compound being guarded by my minions who will more than likely turn on us and try to kill us all in our sleep one night," Klaus replied smoothly before his eyes filled with tears.

"Klaus, what the hell? Are you about to cry again?" Hayley demanded, narrowing her eyes at him.

"I'm sorry. I just realized that you're pregnant," Klaus replied slowly before hiccupping. Hayley folded her arms over the large mound that was her former waistline. "Well, gee, Sherlock, since I'm due in two weeks I'm surprised that you figured that out. Now, can you pull it together? Elijah is totally stressed about trying to keep the two of us alive." Klaus pulled the end of his shirt up to wipe his eyes and Hayley rolled her eyes as he let it fall down. The fabric was beginning to drip on the floor and Hayley had to move her foot as Klaus began to wring it dry leaving a small river's worth on the floor. Someone walked by and fell, breaking his neck on a barstool but neither Klaus nor Hayley seemed to notice, so intent were they on their semi-argument. "You see, with my heightened emotions due to the vampirism and the werewolvism, my emotions are just out of control."

"I'm pregnant and my emotions are more stable than yours and every time I see you I want to kill you," Hayley snarled. "Why don't you try some anti-depresstants? Then all you want to do is white oak stake yourself. On the other hand, my baby does need a father. But you don't seem like you would be a good role model. I mean look at how well you raised Marcel. What you really need is someone who wants to kill you. On the other hand, you are the baby's father and you did make that cute room for our daughter. Then again, I do have Elijah and if something happens to him there's always Jackson. But more than likely he'll get killed. So, I guess if all else fails and there is not a single other living entity on the planet, not even a tree, I can tolerate co-parenting with you. Or I'll just run away and take the kid with me."

"I am sorry," Klaus sobbed. "I am so sorry. It's my father who made like this."

"He made you into a sobbing mess," Hayley yelled. "I have to go find Elijah. At least he knows how to control himself and act like a man and oh, man, I want to rip his clothes off."

"I'm so happy for the two of you," Klaus sobbed and then realized that Hayley was gone.

Moving to another bar stool next to the one he had been sitting on, Klaus returned to staring at Cami. Then Genevieve appeared behind him. He could smell her a mile away. Literally. She wore this perfume that she probably forced the little witches at her disposal to concoct for her so that she could lure men into her bed.

Sighing heavily, Klaus turned to look up at the witch. "Hello, witch that I took to my bed, although that makes no sense given the fact that you caused me some the greatest pain of my life by exposing my sister's stupidest mistake with my traitorous adoptive son. If only I could take him back and get a refund. Oh, wait I forgot that's not how it works here. Oh, well, what do you want? Have you come to offer me your body because I have decided that I have had all the sex that I can stand to have for the next season and a half? Or is it something to do with the little witches? I will be happy to take Davina off your hands. I need to pretend to be a father for the next two weeks and the idea of having a teenage girl in my home playing loud music and telling me how I ruined her life sounds like good practice to know how to deal with an infant," he greeted cheerily.

Genevieve simply blinked. "I'm sorry. I got so lost in your eyes that I didn't notice what you said. I love you, Klaus. I want to marry you and have your babies."

"I can only have babies with women that I have one night stands with," Klaus replied. "Speaking of which I need to make some phone calls." Pulling out a little black book, Klaus began to search through the women's names that he had marked either werewolf, vampire or other. Well, that was a long list. Maybe he should begin to ask those women if they had happened to become pregnant with his child later. At least he did not have to worry about the vampires.

Speaking of vampires he had had sex with lately… something was gnawing at the edges of his mind and he could not think of what it was. "Klaus," Genevieve called. She had climbed on top of the bar and was dancing in her underwear. Klaus sighed again. Reaching between her legs, he pulled a bottle of bourbon from behind the bar and began to drink straight from the bottle. "Klaus, I miss you," Genevieve cried, kneeling down in front on him and leaning toward him. He leaned back and turned to stare at the other customers.

Cami picked up the water spritzer and began to hose down Genevieve down and she screamed. "Oh, I'm melting. Melting!" Klaus leaned over the bar to see a puddle where Genevieve had been.

"Good job, Cami," Klaus told the bartender who looked over at him.

'What do you want Klaus?" Cami asked as she absently flipped a page and then picked up a bottle and threw it at a customer. "I don't want your filthy money. How dare you try to pay for my services? They're free of charge like my therapy sessions with Klaus."

"That would be because you are not qualified to treat me yet, love," Klaus replied with a smirk as Cami turned to glare at him. She opened her mouth and fire spewed out.

When Cami was done spewing fire, she continued to glare at Klaus. The ancient vampire jumped to his feet, taking a defensive position. "What the hell was that?" Klaus demanded? He was enraged that someone attempted to kill him once again when he was simply minding his own business.

"I learned to breathe fire after I learned that I was in the midst of vampires. I also learned how to pickpocket people." Pulling out a wallet, Cami tossed it on top of the bar. The picture inside looked familiar. The smile of the lovely blonde girl with wide eyes and curly hair reminded him of someone familiar. Cami pocketed the cash from inside the wallet before downing some vodka and then flicking a lighter open. She then began to breathe fire once more.

When she was done, Klaus popped back up with a question on his lips, "Where did the lighter come from?"

"The five and dime I would say from the looks of it and Marcel's back pocket was where I found it," Cami informed Klaus.

Narrowing his eyes, Klaus tried again. "I meant where did it come from before you started breathing fire the first time?" It was so difficult trying to get women or anyone really to tell him things anymore. It made him want to kill. But there was no one to kill but himself and Cami. So, he began to cry again.

Rolling her eyes, Cami glared at Klaus. "Okay, first thing is that I can do magic tricks like make this lighter appear and disappear faster than a vampire can see because Davina likes me and she shows me how to do magic tricks. Second, there is a mop in the back and I want you clean up every last drop of that torrential rain that you're spewing over there."

"Yes, Mother," Klaus replied, his shoulders slumping. When the words slipped out, he registered what he had just said he gulped and then ran for his undead life as Cami climbed over the bar top with a vodka bottle in one hand and a lighter in the other.

Klaus had only had time to grab the wallet with the other blonde's picture in it before he made a mad dash for the compound. His useless minions did nothing to stop the fire breather. They simply ran from her as Klaus ran toward the stairs. As he sped past, he saw Elijah and Hayley making out like the world was coming to an end. That made him want to cry, too.

Swinging into his bedroom, he slammed the door shut. Cami could not enter his bedroom because he had had it magically spelled so that no human could enter. Taking a deep breath, Klaus sighed in relief just as a hand slid under his shirt and up his chest. Freezing, he inhaled and sighed. It was the girl in the photo I. D. Turning around, Klaus smiled down at the blonde in front of him. "Happy Valentine's Day, Caroline."

"Happy, V-day, Klaus," Caroline replied, sliding his shirt off and then yanking him toward the bed by his belt. Climbing on top of him, Caroline straddled Klaus and he smiled up at her.

"You are magnificent, love," Klaus informed Caroline.

"I know," Caroline replied. "You told me so often that there is no way I couldn't know. All those sweet things that you told me. I mean no one ever talked to me like that. No one ever made me feel like that before. You know what else…" Klaus shook his head as Caroline's grin grew wider. "Rebekah came to Mystic Falls and told me about Hayley and then when I came to town this nice man named Marcel told me about Genevieve, Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

"I love you, Caroline," Klaus told her sincerely.

Caroline nodded. "I know. And this way you'll only love me and keep your promise to be my last love." Pulling out a white oak stake, Caroline staked Klaus, whose jaw dropped. "Caroline," he groaned.

Looking down at his body which was now a charred corpse, Klaus could not believe that Caroline had done such a thing. She was lying beside him with her eyes closed. Several hours later, Caroline appeared next to him. "See. Now, you kept your promise," she announced and Klaus knew that he was right to have chosen her. They truly were made for each other.

Three down. But remember they always come back like gremblins. If anyone does not know that what a gremblin is I apologize for being oldish. Somebody tell me how to the make a smirk face on here. Seriously. I am so behind the times. Oh, well, got to go get my cane, shawl and shove my false teeth in to scary the neighbor kids with.

Thank you Redbudrose, Jeremy Shane, pleasesaycaroline and Guest.

Laoise: I had to think of something that you would never Alaric doing and twerking came to mind.

Guest: Next week.

Peace,

Jessica