Jackie left some time later, after having had continuously stroked my hair like a concerned adult mother-type would. And was I supposed to feel guilty that she was comforting me while my mother was downstairs probably feeling awful? Probably not. But did I? Of course.
"I, uh, have to go home. But if you need anything at all, you call me. You understand? You are going to call me. I don't care what time it is."
Lizzie nodded slowly as her 'aunt' made her way towards the door. Lizzie didn't make an effort to move from under the blankets or say anything. She was paralyzed with thought.
"Is it because of dinner?" Lizzie asked. Jackie turned back around, happy to hear the young woman's voice. "I think you should stay. You are a member of this family. If they don't think you're worthy, I'll make them think you are. Even if you're not their family, you're mine."
"Joe and I- we're complicated. I loved him before. I loved him and he was afraid his family wouldn't approve or something. I never got an invitation to family dinner! I am not good enough for that nor will I ever be. I am not a Reagan. And I never will be. This doesn't change us, though. We can be family without me being a Reagan."
She left, closing the door behind her.
Lizzie sighed. What time was it anyway? She was surprised no one had flipped out thinking she had disappeared yet. Then again, maybe they respected her privacy enough to give her a couple of hours alone.
Jackie, Jackie, Jackie... sweet hardcore Jackie. She was going to be a part of this family whether or not they wanted her to be. These Reagans had their heads up in the clouds so high it was no wonder they were blue. Blue blood pierced through their veins. Blue blood referred to a family of high nobility and in their case, they were.
On more than one occasion Lizzie had considered herself one of them. She was one of them by blood whether or not she wanted to be. Having been raised differently, she could see the way they saw the world. It was different. Justice was to be served. Police were the superheroes. There was always an answer. Her own sister thought she was so up there because she was a Reagan. She didn't seem to realize that she needed to earn that position. It wasn't predisposed for her. It wasn't disposed for any of them.
In her opinion, Jackie met their superior motive. She fought for justice; she knew who she loved. Lizzie knew there was some deep dark secret that Jackie held. She didn't know where Jackie had been. She just knew Jackie now. And, quite frankly, she thought that was enough.
She wondered who the next comforting family member would be. She wasn't completely sure. Danny probably was glued down to the couch, being nursed by Linda. Jamie and Joe were probably trying to be supportive to their siblings and trying to work out their problems. Her grandfather and great grandfather were probably sitting in the kitchen drinking. She didn't know; she really didn't.
"Hey Liz."
Her sister.
"I just wanted to see how you're doing. You know, since you were all traumatized and stuff."
Lizzie sat up on the bed, tilting her head in confusion at her younger sister, who, by the way, looked like a boy with that ugly haircut.
"I honestly don't like you anymore. Our lives were perfectly normal up until you decided to show up. I have been sitting downstairs with my mother for four hours trying to talk to her, and she just keeps looking at the stairs. She would have been up here in a heartbeat had everyone not told her to give you some space. She is the one who was assaulted, and you are here playing the victim card."
"I am not playing anything. You think I wanted this? You think I wanted to see my own mother get raped? I am sorry that you're jealous that you sat here safe and sound while we were out fighting to stay alive!"
"She would have never gotten taken if you hadn't started your stupid sequence of events. It started when you showed up, then you stole a car, get kidnapped and faked your death. Mom didn't even call me. She left me with Linda, telling me she was going away on a business case. My mom has been a lawyer for as long as I can remember and she has never left the city! So imagine my surprise when I realize my New York cop uncle is gone too. All because of you."
Lizzie just stopped, taking a deep breath. She was not going to argue with her sister. She had literally just made the statement that her sister was spoiled. And she certainly acted like it.
"And... what do you want me to do about it? It's all in the past. I'm sorry that you felt that way, but I did what I had to. Whatever it is you think I can do to make it better, I will do. Because I am your sister, I am going to try and do right by you. So what is it that you want, Nicky?"
"I want you to leave! Go back to Chicago! But you aren't going to do that, are you? It's asking too much for you to give up your superhero cape and spotlight in the family, right?"
"If that is what you want, then I will do it. I will leave. But I have to tell them, otherwise they will come look for me. They probably will still come look for me." She sighed, taking a deep breath.
"Of course they will, you're the favorite." She muttered, walking away.
Ah, jealousy. Lizzie had never have had to deal with these sorts of problems growing up because she was the only child and the apple of her parents' eye.
In school, there had always been people on her ass when she beat them out for parts in the musicals.
She had always tried to be the bigger person. Had she sucked up and given them the role? Of course not. But she had apologized and attempted to take them out for lunch... and most of the time, they laughed in her face.
Did she care? Of course not.
Her sister still stood with her hand on the doorknob ready to leave, but still looking at her sister from across the way. She had always wanted a sister. Just not like this.
Nicky felt bad for what she had said. She really did. But she needed to say it. She needed to get it off her chest. She felt like there was something more she should say.
But she just walked away instead.
Some hours later, it was Joe that came to see her.
"Hey squirt." He said, knocking on the door before proceeding inward. Lizzie was now sprawled on the floor, looking through boxes of old pictures she had found and stealing the ones she really liked. She was planning to make a photo collage for her mother. She used to make them as birthday gifts, and it calmed her.
"How are you?" He asked, sitting next to her on the floor. She looked up momentarily from the task at hand and looked at him. He looked a little less stressed than when they had been out in the field, which was good...
She had planned to ask him about everyone downstairs. "What happened between you and Jackie?" Was what came out of her mouth instead. Like he was going to tell her!
Instead, he just looked at her solemnly and took a deep breath. "Three or four years ago, when I was still around, Jackie became Danny's new partner. The whole family naturally knew his other partners, but she was the first woman. She comes into the house one day looking for him, and instead she finds me. I don't really know how to describe it. There was some sort of higher being beaming at us when our eyes first locked. She smiled at me, and that was it."
"You looked at each other and fell in love? What is this? Some kind of sappy love story?"
"Well, I know its definitely out there, but after that her and I started meeting. First it was drinks. Then it was lunch. Then it was dinner. Then..."
"Then the family found out. I don't understand why that was such a bad thing. She doesn't have any mob affiliations does she?" Lizzie joked. She figured there was indeed something else to this story that she was missing. She wanted her uncle to be happy. She wanted Jackie to be happy.
Mostly though, she just wanted to sing at a wedding. It was kind of one of her dreams. Especially if it was two of the most important people in her life.
"No. It wasn't a bad thing. The family approved. It was a bad thing, however, when Jackie got pregnant."
Well, that seemed like something that justified relationship drama. Joe and I... we're complicated... "She was pregnant with your child?" She needed clarification.
"No. I didn't know right away. I thought she was with someone else because we hadn't slept together yet. And she was cheating on me because she didn't want to wait to..." He paused. Lizzie huffed, rolling her eyes.
"Have sex. I'm not five."
He winced a little at the topic. "Yeah. Anyways, we broke up. The family thought it was my kid, and they told me I had to marry her. But it was not mine. So I refused. And I left her. Some time later, I found out the child was from a..."
Lizzie's stomach dropped in realization. "Wait a minute, Jackie was..."
"Yes she was."
Lizzie felt her world crashing around her. Two of the three women she looked up to had been sexually assaulted resulting in a pregnancy. "What happened to the baby?"
"She lost it. She disappeared off of the radar for a while, and when she came back, she didn't come near any of the Reagans. Danny had to beg her to be his partner again. That's why I can't be with Jackie. I broke her when she was already broken. Instead of standing by her side, I left her too."
Lizzie's thoughts still remained on the assault. It brought up images that were always in the back of her mind, ready to be reactivated. "So, uh, did she charge the guy who..."
"I have no idea." Joe shrugged. "I don't think she even told Danny."
"But what if it was..." she stopped short.
What if it was the man who raped her mother?
What if it had been her father?
Joe automatically knew what she was talking about. "The chances of that are very slim."
"He was a Reagan freak! She was your girlfriend, that puts her under that radar!" Lizzie began freaking out. She had been doing so well, keeping her emotions in check, that the pounding in her stomach took over almost instantly. She wheezed, her breathing shallow. It was hard to get the air in.
Joe immediately had her hand on his heart. "Follow my breathing. Come on. In and out. In and out."
Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Inhale, exhale.
Joe's eyebrows furrowed as his niece's breathing evened out again. She leaned back against the wall, tears streaming down her face. She looked stressed and tired. A moment later, she looked mad.
"You idiot! You have to go talk to her right now! Stop being a wimp! You let her get away once, don't let her do it again!"
Joe's face tensed. He stood up. "I have to go talk to her." He said, scrunching his nose. "I should have done it a long time ago. I was the coward. Not her."
Thank you! It was about time!
"Dinner!" Someone called down the stairs. He turned back and looked at his niece, who was now standing.
"This'll be fun." she chuckled halfheartedly, wiping the leftover tears off of her face.
Sunday dinner was a thing. It had always been a thing. Lizzie knew that, even though it was only her second one. The first one had seemed like a lifetime ago. She sort of wished her only problem at this point was giving her mother grief for the adoption and all of that nonsense.
Not that she liked putting more grief on her mother.
Things were much simpler then.
Lizzie came down the stairs following her Uncle Joey. Her Uncle Danny was still laying on the couch where he had plopped down before Lizzie had gone upstairs. He looked exhausted and pale. The plate of chicken wings sitting next to him, however, confirmed that he was okay mentally. Ish.
Her mother sat in the armchair with her arms wrapped around her legs that were scrunched into her stomach. It concerned her a little bit that her mother was not up and about helping Linda and Nicky set the table. Sometimes the first step to healing was sticking yourself into your normal routines once again.
"Hey Mom." She greeted. Her mother looked up at her, eyes swollen. Her stomach dropped. She really had no control over this situation. She looked over to her Uncle Danny, who smiled back at her smally. Lizzie sighed before walking away.
"Er.." Joe said, leaning on the side of the armchair. Erin jumped a little bit, tensing up. She continued staring blankly ahead after assuming her blank stare once again. Joe sighed. He did not know what to do.
"Erin!" Danny snapped. Erin slowly turned her head to look at the cripple laid across the couch. "Are you listening to me?" She nodded. "Okay. Let this sink into your head. I will say it as many times as I have to. You are safe. You are here with us now. You are here with your family, with your daughters and all of your brothers and your nephews and your father and grandfather and sister in-law. We are all here. You are here. This isn't a dream. We love you. We are going to get through this. We, as a family, will witness the sun rise again. Do you understand?"
It was uncertain as to whether or not Erin would have nodded, had Linda not called out that dinner was ready at that exact moment. Erin slowly got up and made her way into the kitchen. she going to eat with them? She still seemed to be trapped inside of her own thoughts, not there with the rest of them.
"Okay, listen to me guys. Everyone is a bit sad, so we have to cheer them up, okay?" Nicky said, bending down to talk to her two younger cousins.
"Yeah!" Sean agreed.
"Why are they sad?" Jack asked, trying to challenge his older cousin. She clearly knew what was going on, even though all of the grownups tried to hide everything from her too. But she was smart and old enough to figure it out. "I know you know, so don't lie to me or I will tell Mommy you ate cookies before dinner." Jack crossed his arms, as if to challenge her. Those cookies would get her grounded for sure.
"Well, umm..." Nicky started. How did she explain this to a ten year old? Better yet, would they be pissed at her for telling them what had happened? They were kids, they were supposed to live in a padded bubble all of their lives until the adults decided they were worthy...
She wasn't worthy yet, so...
"There was a bad guy. The bad guy took your dad. Then the bad guy took Aunt Erin. And he hurt both of them, so they are sad." Nicky decided, leaning against the counter.
"But they're better now, right? Grandpa got the bad guy..." Jack reasoned. "And my dad got medicine to make his leg better."
"Well, their bodies are okay. But inside they are still sad, and they probably will be for a while. So we need to make them smile. Make them laugh."
"Okay." Jack nodded, skipping off to the table to join his brother.
"Hey." Lizzie greeted to her sister when she walked into the kitchen. "Need any help?"
"Not from you. You might become the goddess of the plates and forks if I let you touch them! They will give you a medal! I don't get a medal, but I still set the table..."
Lizzie grunted. "What do you want?"
"You are still here, aren't you?"
"Sorry for inconveniencing you. I will leave asap." Lizzie chuckled. Her sister was 'adorable'.
-.
Once they were all seated at the table, Erin covered on both sides by her daughters, Frank looked over at Lizzie. She seemed calm, very calm for her recent endeavors. "Lizzie, why don't you say grace?"
Lizzie cleared her throat, which had become dry. She scanned the table. Apart of her sister, everyone looked... pitiful. She couldn't deal with it. She coughed, and then began. "Thank the lord for these gifts we are about to receive through Christ bounty. Amen." Erin. Danny. Linda. Sean. Jack. Nicky. Jamie. Grandpa. Pop. Joe. And me. A family.
I picked at the steak on my plate. I was not hungry. I had been home for less than forty eight hours. I couldn't stand it. I could still feel their pity burning into my skin. I didn't want this. I didn't want all of this attention, not like this. It made me think. How was I going to continue being a performer if I got nervous saying grace in front of my family?
Dinner was quiet. Pops talked about some case, and we all chose to ignore the damn elephant in the room. I wanted to scream, and rip their hair out. Scream that yes, everything had happened, and yes, we were all really jumpy and scared and traumatized. But what would that prove? We could not change what had happened, not at all!
Joe kept looking at me from across the table like he was expecting something. Don't even get me started about the way the three brothers kept looking at my mother like she was some sort of broken item needing to be fix. They expected her to shatter.
But my mother, she is shatterproof glass.