Her world was pain. There was nothing but agony, and darkness, and she moaned, tossing and turning, trying to get away from it. A soothing voice spoke to her, and the pain eased a little, but it didn't go away. Her left eye was still too swollen to open, so she didn't even bother trying to open her right eye. She didn't care. She'd killed the Templars, Maker willing she'd saved the healer and that was who was helping her.
She didn't want to think about that, though. Just the thought of him touching her sent shivers down her body, and it disturbed her. She didn't really know the man, she was just obsessed with him, and it would be better for him if he never got close to her. She didn't know what sort of relationship she could even offer him, if she could offer him one at all, even just friendship. Of course now he had to have the idea that she didn't hate mages... she just hoped he didn't want anything more than just a simple friendship. Maker she was overthinking everything. Nothing could just be simple with her.
How could it be simple when she knew exactly what Anders was planning, and was terrified she was going to screw it up? What if her mere presence was enough to change things? There wasn't any information on what happened in the three years between the defeat of the Qunari and the blowing up of the Chantry... She supposed the explosion was just something that had to happen, and nothing could change it. What was she going to do when the time came? She didn't think she'd be going home anytime soon... she couldn't even tell him the truth of where she was from... Frustrated, she started crying, unable to stop.
"Hey, shh, it's all right..." It was Anders, there was no mistaking that voice, and all she could do was shake her head, which sadly caused her more pain. She wanted to leave, but she couldn't even think of standing. Why was him being nice to her such an issue for her? Why couldn't she handle it? And why couldn't she stop crying? It was only making things worse.
"Claire..." He ran his hand across her head, and some of the pain eased. "What's wrong? Is it the pain? Do you need something?"
"No..." Her voice sounded raspy. "I don't know... I don't know anything anymore..." He was quiet for a minute, then felt him hold her hand.
"Your skull was cracked, I was barely able to save you. It's going to take some time to heal. I'm sorry." She cracked her right eye open, to see him look regretful.
"Why?" She asked. "Why sorry? I fucked up, not you." He chuckled.
"I was the one who got captured by the Templars." He said. "If I'd been a little more diligent, you wouldn't have had to rescue me. Which, by the way, I didn't think you would do. So thank you, I greatly appreciate it."
"You saved me... twice now. I had to repay..." He frowned.
"I hope that's not the only reason you risked your life."
"I didn't see the third Templar..." She looked away, feeling ashamed for not being completely honest. "It was supposed to be easy. I wasn't risking my life or anything..."
"Do you truly believe that?" He asked. "Do you truly believe there was no danger in approaching two heavily armed Templars who had a completely helpless mage at their disposal?" She refused to answer that. How could she? Of course she knew there was a danger, and she knew she was risking her life, but she wasn't going to admit it. She closed her eye and turned to the wall, willing herself not to cry again. She hated how weak she was when she was in pain and exhausted. Somehow, whether by his help or sheer divine intervention, she fell asleep again.
The next time she woke up, she was shocked to be able to open both eyes, but worse, was that she found herself in Markus' house, her wrists tied to the bed. She thrashed and screamed, breaking the ropes just in time to see Markus walk in. She bolted up and pressed herself against the wall.
"I killed you." She gasped. "You can't be here. I killed you." He looked confused.
"You've never hurt me..."
"I won't let you touch me!" She yelled. "I won't let you touch another woman again!" Furious and desperate, she charged at him, but she suddenly found she couldn't move and started panicking more. Why couldn't she move? And why was he looking at her with such a distraught expression? Nothing was making sense. As soon as she could move, she crumpled to the floor, sobbing. She felt so sick and disoriented... What is wrong with me?
"I won't touch you, if that's what you want." Suddenly Anders was there where Markus had been, and she slowly realized what had happened.
"Fuck..." She gasped between sobs. "I was b-back... I was there... you... I th-thought you were M-Markus... I killed him! I killed him... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." She felt his hand gently on her back and part of her wanted nothing more than to be held by him, but the other part told her she needed to run.
"I'm here if you need to talk." He said. She quickly stood up and moved away from him, glaring at him.
"Stop being so nice to me!" She cried. "I'm just a monster. I lost myself and I almost hurt you because of it. If you hadn't... just... leave me alone!"
He stared at her, surprised that her words were so similar to what he'd said after he'd almost killed Ella, and as she slid down the wall, putting her head to her knees, his heart went out to her.
"You may not be a mage, but it seems you have your own demons to battle." He said, sitting down beside her, taking care not to touch her. "I won't press you, but I'm here for you. I won't give up on you just because you want to chase me off."
"It'd be better for you to not have anything to do with me." She mumbled.
"Do you know how many times I've felt that way?" He asked. "I'm an apostate, joined with a spirit of Justice, whose need for vengeance can't always be controlled. I almost killed a mage girl because of it, the very person I strive to save. I still fear that I'll turn on a patient one of these days, and that I won't be able to stop it." She looked at him, almost confused.
"Still?" She asked.
"It's been over a year, and nothing has happened since, but yes, I still fear it." He said. "But I cannot give up on my cause so easily. I cannot abandon the people of Darktown, or the mages." She sighed and patted his shoulder.
"Well, if anyone's given you reason to turn on a patient, it's been me." She said. "So thank you for not." They sat there in silence for a few minutes before she got up and sat on the bed, a wry smile on her face. "I'm going to assume I'm not well enough just yet to leave." Anders stood up as well and shook his head.
"Not just yet, I want to make sure I didn't miss anything, and another day of a rest won't kill you. Elodie came by earlier with some food, if you'd like. It's... cold, but I'm sure it's still good."
"Thank you. And... I am sorry I attacked you. It seemed so real..."
"Does this happen often?" He asked. She shook her head.
"No... not really. Not to that extent anyway."
"Then we can probably blame your injury for it." Anders said. "I'll get you back to normal in no time. Do you think you'll be all right for a while? I do need to check on the others." She nodded, trying to smile.
"Don't worry about me, I'm tough." She said.
"Good, then I'll let you eat in peace. Let me know if you need anything." He shut the door behind him and went back to his patients, but he couldn't stop thinking about Claire. How could he help someone like her when he had a hard enough time helping himself?
That night he went back to heal her some more, glad to see the bruising and swelling had gone down so she could see clearly again.
"How are you feeling?" He asked.
"Better, thank you." She said. "You know, I heard rumors you had a cat in the Deep Roads." He smiled and nodded as he started healing her. While he worked, they talked about cats, and how much they missed having them. When he went to check on her in the morning, she was gone again. He wasn't surprised, but he wished she would at least say goodbye.
As the days passed, Claire felt, more and more, that she should go see Anders again, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. Instead, she went walking around Darktown, not really doing much for once, mulling over everything that had happened to her since her arrival. Anders hadn't asked her about her necklaces, and after she'd mentioned her Tevinter origin story, he didn't ask why she was there, or anything about how she got there, even though she hadn't really answered it. Surely he wasn't satisfied with the answer she'd given? Or maybe he was just being polite and respecting her privacy.
Some loud shouting nearby snapped her out of her daydream and she hurried over to where it was coming from. A woman was being assaulted by two men, but before Claire could do anything, Anders showed up, glowing blue and absolutely pissed off. He made short work of the men, and before Justice could fade back, Claire ran out.
"Justice!" She yelled. Will he stay and talk? Or will Anders come back? The woman bolted, and Justice turned towards Claire, gripping his staff as if to attack, so she got into a defensive position as well.
"Why have you come?" He growled.
"I heard the fighting." She said. "And now I finally get to meet the demon that has the healer." She didn't like saying such things, but she wanted to know how far he'd go.
"I am no demon!" He shouted, coming at her.
"Could have fooled me!" She laughed. "Possessing a mortal's body like that? That's not what spirits do."
"I have not possessed him, we are joined as one." He snapped. "And you would do well to stay away from us. You are nothing but a distraction, someone who is against our cause, who must be dealt with."
"How little you know of me." She said. "Do you really think I need to be dealt with? Can you even do it? What justice would there be in getting rid of me? I saved your ass when the Templars got you, don't forget. So try it, just try it!" She got up in his face. What the hell am I doing? She suddenly started questioning how logical she was being, pushing an angry spirit like that. He slammed her into the wall, putting his nose an inch away from hers as he stared into her eyes, his glowing blue and swirling.
"You are no threat." He said. "You do not possess the ability to stop us."
"Don't I?" She retorted. "You think I don't know where to get that collar that shut you down? You don't think I can call the Templars on you myself?" Snarling, he raised his staff as magical energy swirled around him. "Do it, demon!" She was suicidal, she decided. After all that time, she'd snapped and was attempting suicide by pushing Vengeance, there was no other explanation for why she was doing it. Would he kill her? He slammed the staff into the ground and grabbed his head, doubling over, and she breathed a sigh of relief as he stopped glowing. What was she trying to prove? And who was she trying to prove it to?
Anders blinked, staring at the woman who had been haunting his thoughts as she pressed herself against the wall, breathing hard. She had pushed him, as if she had wanted him to attack her. She knew what he was, what he could do, what was she doing? He stood up straight, and walked away, not wanting to know the answer. He may not have been in control, but he had an idea of what had happened. Was she just looking for an excuse to kill him?
"Anders, wait, I'm sorry." She hurried to him, but he continued to ignore her. "I... I don't know what I was thinking..."
"What do you want from me?" He asked.
"You didn't hurt me." She said. "I gave you every reason to strike me down. I don't think you can, for all your fears." He stopped and stared at her. "What do you mean?" "I wasn't meaning to do anything like that, it just... I guess I got angry, seeing... seeing your spirit friend... Spirits aren't meant to inhabit mortal bodies!" She looked so frustrated. "But even though I kept running my mouth off like an idiot, you didn't do anything. Or, Justice didn't. I know that I would never turn on you, but he doesn't. You don't. You can't trust me, I've never given you any reason to trust me, I've tried to push you away, but dammit, you don't listen! You've continued to be insistent on being friendly to me..."
He wasn't sure how to react. She was usually so quiet and reserved, quick to hide, to run away, yet here she was actually yelling at him, and seemingly confused that he hadn't killed her, and that he wouldn't shun her. It almost sounded more like she was thinking out loud than even talking to him.
"I don't understand why you're so insistent on chasing me away." He said. "You can't possibly believe that your lies are believable." She looked a little hurt by that.
"Not everything has been a lie." She said, pouting.
"No, and that's why your lies are so easy to spot." He said. The look she was giving him almost made him smile, if he hadn't been so drained. "You can be honest with me, you know."
"No... I don't think I can." She said, frowning. "Or at least, not... not... not about some things. You're right though, I should stop saying stupid hurtful things just to try to get you to hate me." She sighed and started walking, so he matched pace.
"Why in the Maker's name would you want me to hate you?" He asked. "That makes no sense."
"I... I don't... it's just easier. Then I don't have to worry. Then I don't have to wonder if people are being nice to me because they want something."
"Believe me, I have no problem showing my animosity towards people." He said.
"Even delirious patients who try to attack you?" She looked at him suspiciously. "I know I heard you, the very first time we met, when I was unable to move or speak... you wondered why you were saving my life. But you did anyway. At first you seemed irritated with me, but you started getting nicer, and that you even remembered my name, and acted like you cared about me when we freed the slaves, saying you wanted to get to know me better... and then after the Templars... I just don't understand why you won't just... stop." He raised an eyebrow, trying to figure her out. Was she serious?
"Are you really so afraid of someone genuinely wanting to know you better?" He asked.
"When people care, it only makes it worse." She stared at her feet as she walked, her voice suddenly cold and flat. "It's better to not care. It's better to chase people off so that they won't get hurt, and so they can't hurt back. This world doesn't have much sympathy for people with good intentions, everyone for themselves. Trust only gets you killed." She didn't sound like she really believed it, or wanted to believe it, but as if she had to believe it.
"You know what I am." He said. "You've seen it, you know what I can do. I may not have hurt you today, despite your efforts to push me to it, but there may come a day when I will. I am an apostate, who cannot control this need for vengeance, fighting for the freedom of mages, and I will always be hunted, and hated. I will always be a danger to those around me." He stopped, noticing she'd started crying again, trying to hold back but failing.
"You have friends who care about you a great deal." She said. "They will never hate you. They love you enough to torture me for just coming off as threatening to you. Do you really think they'll turn on you, even after everything? Are you truly as far gone as me, that you can't trust even Hawke?"
"Despite my warning him, and him knowing what I am, and what I've done..." Anders sighed. "Yes, I trust Hawke with my life. But I know that trust can be broken, and that one of these days, I know I will break it, as much as it will hurt me to do so."
"I would rather no one get close, so that I won't have to break anyone's trust." She murmured. "We two... we are hopeless. Do you want to hear a song I learned on my traveling?"
"Yes..." He was confused but he was curious. She began singing a slow and sad tune:
"Who shall sing me, Into deathsleep sling me,
When I on the path to Hel go, And this track I tread
Is cold, so cold, so cold.
I sought the songs, I sent the songs.
Then the deepest well Gave me tears so harsh
From the Slain-father's pledge.
I know everything, Odin, To whom you gave your eye.
Early or in the day's end, The raven still knows if I fall.
Once you stand at the gate to Hel And when you have to tear free,
I shall follow you Over Gjallarbrú with my song.
You will be free from the bonds that bind you,
You are free from the bonds that bound you!
"Cattle die, Friends die, So, too, must you die.
Though one thing Never dies;
The fair fame one has earned.
Cattle die, Friends die, So, too, must you die.
I know one, That never dies;
Judgment of a dead man's life.""
"It's... oddly beautiful." He said.
"Even as hopeless as we are, we still help others." She said. "Judgment of a dead man's life... how will we be judged? What mark will we have left the world? I hope that, despite everything... it will be a positive one, for me. For you... I know what mark you'll leave. You will leave a very large mark. You will change the world, it's just... I can't see anything else for you. You've too much passion." He wasn't sure if he should take that as a compliment or not.
"I hope you're right." He said. "But I hope it's a positive change, one that will finally see mages freed. If you continue to hide, though, you won't be able to leave much of any sort of mark on the world." She softly chuckled, shaking her head.
"You can leave a mark without being noticed." She said. "The people may not know who you are, but their lives will be affected nonetheless. Little things, here and there, even just a smile can change someone's life... or save it."
"Have you been saved by a smile?" He asked. She frowned as she looked away.
"Yes..." She spoke so quietly, he almost didn't hear her. "I was heading to a bridge... I was going to jump, though whether or not I would have died is questionable, as it wasn't very high, but I wasn't thinking. As I walked, this older gentleman made a point of catching my eye and smiled, nodding his head in greeting. It... it struck me deep. I can't explain it. I didn't have anywhere to go, I had no home, but... for some reason I suddenly didn't want to die, and that there made me realize, that even if my life isn't perfect, I can still try to help others, even in small ways, even without money, and that maybe... maybe if I could just save one person, surviving will have been worth it. If I could just help one person... none of this will have been in vain." She suddenly looked at him in shock, as if she couldn't believe what she'd just told him.
"Please don't go." He said quickly.
"I need to get back..." She started backing up, so he instinctively grabbed her arm to stop her. She looked at his hand as a flash of fear crossed her face, replaced with anger. "You'll never listen. You don't want to get to know me. I can never be fully honest with you, I'll never trust you, and it will only cause pain."
"Let that be my decision to make." He said. "Please."
"You said yourself you'll hurt me!" She snapped. "You said you'll always be a danger!" He let her go, watching her run off down the darkened corridors. What had he been thinking? Why was he drawn to her at all? He should just forget her, as Justice kept telling him he should do. He felt the heavy weight of depression start settling into his gut again as he made his way back to the clinic.