A week later, Claire ventured near Anders' clinic, wanting to apologize for being such an idiot. He was just trying to be friendly, and she shoved him away like a jerk. Well, she had warned him, but that didn't mean she wanted to hurt him. She hesitated at the door, wondering if she should go in, when she heard voices getting louder inside. She peeked in, and saw Anders sitting on a box, looking as if he'd just killed a kitten, and Hawke was waving his hands about as he got louder.
"You could have been killed!" Hawke was saying. "Never mind that you almost killed another innocent person... What were you thinking, going back there?" The Gallows? Is that what he means?
"Yes, I know, I risk my life constantly to save mages!" Anders stood up, his eyes flashing. "I was the only one who could go... the mage underground is all but destroyed, thanks to Meredith, and I couldn't just sit back and do nothing."
"You could have waited for us, instead of going on ahead alone." Hawke said. "I don't want something to happen to you, dammit!"
"You know I cannot abandon this cause." Anders said, his voice cracking. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have work I need to do. Don't worry, it's just mixing potions this time." Hawke quickly grabbed Anders in a hug before hurrying out. Claire managed to hide in time, watching the Champion storm off. What could she do? It was probably the worst time to visit the mage, but at the same time, she was there and it might help to talk to someone who wasn't so antagonistic as Hawke. Figuring she'd probably regret it, she took a deep breath, calming herself, and walked into the clinic.
"Hey..." She tried to speak softly, but her voice caught in her throat and she had to clear it. "I, um, I wanted to apologize..." He kept his back to her and she started getting afraid.
"You have nothing to apologize for." He said, his voice oddly cold.
"I was a rude bitch the other day, so yes, I should apologize. You didn't deserve that." She was starting to regret coming in. "You don't deserve a lot of the shit you have to deal with..." He leaned against the cabinet and sighed.
"It would be better if you just left." He said.
Of all the times for Claire to come, she had to pick then, and she was actually reaching out to him, apologizing for once! Anders cursed inwardly, praying she would leave without a fuss. With her, there was no telling, especially with how erratic her behavior had been the other day, and he did, he really did, want her to come, just not then... Not after... He waited for a response, but there was nothing, so he turned, expecting to see her gone. She was looking at him with such a distraught expression, he didn't know what to do. He didn't need that right then.
"I'm sorry." She said. "I didn't... I just wish..." He was so frustrated and wanting her to leave, that he lost control and slammed her into the pillar she was standing next to, pinning her there as he stared at her with glowing blue eyes.
"Leave! Anders has no need of you." Justice spat. He threw her to the ground with such force, she just lay there, writhing in pain, her eyes clenched tight.
"You'll... you'll have to kill me if... you want me to leave." She spat through clenched teeth. Justice took it as a threat, not catching her muttered, "I think you broke me." He shot lightning through her, making her arch her back in pain. Anders came back to himself suddenly, staring at the woman lying on the ground, who was moaning in pain, pain he caused.
"Oh Maker... what did I do..." He was getting worse. He was losing too much control. Hawke was right to be angry with him. He backed up, his hands to his head, crying. When he hit the pillar, he slid down it onto the floor.
"Anders..." He felt Claire's hand on his shoulder, nervous yet gentle. "I'm fine, but you're not. What happened?" He started crying harder, and suddenly Claire was pulling him to her, embracing him and caressing his head, trying to soothe him. "It'll be all right..." It's not all right! He shouted in his head, unable to vocalize anything coherent. Why don't you hate me? I just hurt you... Oh Maker, I hurt you and you don't seem to care... I don't understand.
When he'd started calming down a little, she was rubbing his back, and he didn't want to break whatever spell was over them, it felt too good to be held by her, the woman he couldn't stop thinking about. He found he wanted to kiss her, and the urge was so strong, he had to pull away, refusing to look at her, lest she see into his heart and know what he'd just thought. He'd almost just killed her, how could he think such things?
"Do you at least feel a little better?" She asked.
"Yes, thank you."
"I'm here if you want to talk about it." She said. "It's only fair, you listened to me after all, on more than one occasion." She laughed a little.
"I just attacked you." He said. "How can you sit there and not be afraid of me? How can you not hate me for what I am?"
She shrugged, looking at her lap. "I would be lying if I said there is no fear, but... I could never hate you. And I told you, I'm fine."
"You're a terrible liar." He said, reaching over to heal her. She flinched a little, but stayed still.
"Fine, it hurt like a bitch." She said. "And I was terrified you'd kill me... but you didn't, you stopped, and you felt horrible for it. I couldn't just leave you like that... and I wasn't lying about how I can never hate you. Fear is one thing, but you've done nothing to deserve hate." He didn't believe she couldn't hate him, how could he? A woman from Tevinter, who despised mages, who had been abused by magic, who had killed a man for abusing her, who had just been attacked by a mage... how could she not hate him? How could she not be disgusted with magic the way Fenris was?
"I almost killed another mage." He said. "In the tunnels that lead to the Gallows. I am a danger to everyone around me, and I should have listened to you the first time you warned me away, then you'd not have gotten hurt." She sighed, then sat down next to him, leaning against him and making his heart beat faster.
"I told you we're hopeless." She said. "We're both too afraid to get close to others for fear of pain, or causing pain. Just... don't give up. Please. It's all right to take a break now and then, if you're pushing yourself too hard, but don't give up. You need to change the world, remember?"
"How can I change the world when I can't even save a mage without losing control?"
"Well, for starters, you need to learn how to relax more." She laughed. "I'm one to talk about that... but, I know Justice probably would consider that some sort of sloth or something. Even after all this time, does he not understand the needs of a mortal body? The need to rest? To relax? To recenter?"
"Time doesn't work the same in the Fade." He said. "Everything here is taking too long as it is, and it's wearing on us."
"More reasons for you to relax." She leaned her head against his shoulder. She was torturing him, and she had no idea. He couldn't relax around her. "After everything that's happened, I get the impression I can't really avoid you unless I leave Kirkwall."
"Are you serious?"
"Quite." She stated it so matter of fact, unaware of the turmoil it was causing in his heart. "I wasn't even here a day and you ran into me, saved my life... a few months later, you end up fighting the same slavers I was. Some funny coincidence... but then I get dragged into saving your life from those Templars, which made you have to save my life again, and then running into you last week, and then today... yeah, I feel like the Maker is having some sort of joke with us, and the only way I can make it stop is if I leave. I highly doubt you'd follow me." She started laughing. "Maker, I sound like a conspiracy nut!"
"It doesn't feel like much of a joke." Anders asked. "Maybe he's trying to tell us something."
"Yeah... I know." She sighed. "But there are some messages that are... too hard to swallow. They make me want to just run away. Like I've been doing my whole life. I don't want to stop running, but... I suppose you need someone to keep you out of trouble while Hawke's not around."
"And you need someone to constantly keep you from dying." He chuckled.
"Hey, it's only been twice..." She elbowed him. "What a hopeless pair we are. Don't think this means I'll trust you very readily, but I guess I'll stick around a little longer, maybe... maybe I'll stop in and say hi now and then." He felt the weight in his chest lift a little at the thought.
"I'll look forward to it."
"I'll never understand that." She laughed again. "Look forward to seeing me? I suppose as long as I'm not injured, right? Maker preserve us, I'm such an idiot. I can't stop blathering on... but um, one quick question. The other day, Justice called me a distraction. How in Thedas am I a distraction?" Anders blushed and looked away, hoping she didn't notice.
"He considers anyone who takes up any time away from the cause a distraction." He said.
"I hardly consider a few days out of more than a few months worthy of being considered a distraction." She scoffed. "But I guess spirits aren't the most logical when it comes to matters of mortals, eh?"
"Right." Anders laughed nervously. Claire quickly got up, brushed herself off, and looked down at Anders.
"You going to be all right?" She asked. "I can stay a little longer if you need, though I'd hate for Justice to have to come back out and yell at me about being such a horrible distraction." She winked. He stood up himself and shook his head.
"Thank you for coming by. I appreciate it." He said, grasping her arm. She returned the grip and they shook.
"We're probably going to end up killing each other, you know that right?" She smiled awkwardly. "Neither one of us is safe to be around... You know... I almost killed a man the other night because I didn't hear him come up behind me. He was on the ground with my knife to his throat before he could blink." Why am I so infatuated with this woman? She's right, we probably will end up killing each other.
Out loud, he said, "Don't tell Hawke, he's got enough to worry about." He grinned.
"Tell Hawke?" She looked aghast. "He's already pried up two of my fingernails just for looking at you funny! He'd kill me if he thought I was a real danger, even if an accidental one." She was serious about her feelings towards Hawke, and Anders couldn't blame her.
"You should at least get to know the man a little better." He said.
"No." She said. "Thank you but you're bad enough, I want nothing to do with the Champion, no offense to him or his friends, just no. In fact, I should probably leave now before he comes walking through the door and accuses me of doing insidious things." Her fear of the Champion was impressive.
"I doubt he'll be back today." Anders said. "But I understand. Thank you for coming. I'll look forward to your next visit."
She glanced nervously towards the door. "I'm sure you'll soon change your mind on that." She laughed. "But um, it was a good visit. Next time, we'll try to keep the injuring and insults to a minimum." She grinned, bowed, and left.
Claire laid in her makeshift bed, Elodie sleeping beside her, and thought over and over again on Anders. It didn't seem to matter, she'd left an impression on the mage and he wanted to get to know her, but why? She was only going to mess things up. She was sure she already had... What would happen if he got close to her? Could she even let herself get close?
"You're thinking too loud..." Elodie mumbled.
"Sorry, I can't sleep." Claire said. "Maybe I should go for a walk or something."
"It's the healer, isn't it?" Claire smiled.
"Nothing gets past you, does it?"
"You should just tell him how you feel." The girl poked Claire in the ribs.
"I can't, it wouldn't work. He doesn't need someone like me mucking stuff up, he's got important work he's doing."
"And what do you think you're doing?" Elodie sat up, glaring at Claire. "Look around you, look at what you've done for the people here, what you've done for me. And surely you can't forget what you did for the healer? If it hadn't been for you, who knows if Hawke would have gotten to him on time."
"But..."
"No buts, you tell him or I will."
"That's not fair." Claire frowned. She wasn't going to get away with hiding anymore, was she? Everyone was against her.
"Take him some of that stew tomorrow, make conversation. I know you want at least to be friends with him. You don't have to dive into a romantic relationship just yet." She hadn't told the girl about the deal she'd made with Anders, about visiting more often, but she supposed that didn't necessarily mean friendship, either. Romance, though? Out of the question.
"I still don't think that will ever be possible." Claire sighed. "He may be curious about me, but I doubt he'd ever feel anything romantic for someone like me, and it's better that way. I am not a good person for him."
"You'll never know if you don't try it... at least invite him to your poi show, I think he'd love that." Claire sighed.
"Yes, fine, I will. Tomorrow."
It was a slow day at the clinic, something Anders was grateful for as it allowed him more time to work on his manifesto and other things. He was going over it again when he heard someone come into the clinic. He turned and saw Claire, carrying a lidded bowl with a chunk of bread on top.
"You came back." He got up to greet her.
"I told you I would, and I thought I should repay you for your hospitality." She said, setting the bowl on the table.
"Thank you, I appreciate it." He put his hand on her back, but she flinched away, blushing.
"Sorry..." She paused, then started laughing awkwardly. "I need to get better at being sociable. But um, I'm going to be putting on a demonstration, of sorts, tonight, if you want to come." He raised an eyebrow.
"Of sorts?"
"It's... called sparkle poi." She shrugged. "I can't really describe it, except that it's like magic."
"I would love to see it, thank you." He was intrigued, wondering what she could do that could be like magic.
"I'll let you eat, but I'll be down near the northern elevator, you won't be able to miss it." For once she looked excited and happy as she took off. He turned his attention to the bowl, taking the lid off and smelling a delicious aroma. He was used to the meager fare they could get, but her stew smelled and looked like something he'd be able to get in Hightown. There were big chunks of meat in it, even, venison by the taste. How had she gotten that?
As he was finishing up, Elodie came bounding in. "Did she tell you?" He looked at the kid, confused.
"Tell me what?" He asked. "Claire invited me to her demonstration, if that's what you mean." Elodie's expression showed that wasn't what she meant, but she shrugged.
"So we'll see you there then?"
"Of course. Tell me, though, where did she get this?" He pointed at the remaining stew.
"You don't know?" She frowned. "I'd have thought word would have gotten back to you surely. She's changed things around quite a bit, granted it took her a while. She even has a team of hunters, they go out where they can and bring back meat, like boar or deer. As legal as one can get, she insists. Since most folk around here are city folk, she's taught us how to make needles out of bone, or hair sticks that double as weapons, among other things."
"That might explain why things have quieted down in the clinic." He was amazed. She was getting them together to create a better community, without relying on coin to do it, and she hadn't even mentioned a word of it to him, instead acting like she was all on her own doing nothing. He needed to get Hawke to see.
"She's talked about you, you know." Elodie gave him a sly grin. "I don't know where she gets her information, but she knows all about what you do for the mages."
"Does she now..." Anders wasn't sure how to process that information. "I hope she's not telling everyone." The last thing he needed was the Templars to hear about his involvement with the mage underground, though considering it was Claire, he was surprised she'd even told Elodie.
"No, she swore me to secrecy, after I pressed her for information. But I figured, it's about you, I can tell you, right?"
"I've never been able to figure out how she feels about mages." He said.
"She doesn't hate magic, and she certainly likes you well enough." Elodie started giggling.
"Are you sure you should be telling me this?" He asked. Elodie suddenly grew very serious as she stared intently at him.
"I know it's not my place to tell, and I know I'm just a kid, but I'm more observant than she gives me credit for." Elodie said. "And I'm tired of her closing herself off from everyone out of fear. She loves you, I know it, and she doesn't think I see her crying because she's so lonely, but she refuses to allow herself to get close to anyone. And she loves magic, I've even caught her helping mages escape the Gallows on a couple occasions. Don't tell her I told you, though, she'd kill me... just... keep it in mind?" She bolted out of the clinic, Anders stared after her in shock, thinking about what she'd said.
Did Claire really love him? It might explain her reaction to him touching her, and her nervousness around him, and her insistence that he stay away. And helping mages? How had he not heard of that? He hadn't thought he could like her more, but finding out she loved magic, helped mages, and possibly loved him...