Happy Thursday, lovelies! How's everyone's new year going so far? Mine is... pretty bleh. My eye has been in pain for like three days and my productivity is at an all-time low. But I'll persevere! Hopefully you lovely people enjoy this chapter. A lot of tears went into it, both emotionally and literally. Send help. ~Shaymie

"I've changed my mind. I don't want to lose weight anymore. I'll stay chubby forever." Lo flopped onto my bed, wincing in pain. She had been going to the gym for the past week, and each time she came back exhausted. I closed my laptop and helped her sit up, tugging off her sweaty hoodie and shirt. She groaned and planted herself face-first into the mattress. "If you're trying to get me to have sex with you, I'm not in the mood. I'd take a shower, but everything huuuuurts…"

I pulled her into my lap and tied her hair back in a ponytail. She hummed happily when I started rubbing her shoulders. Darcy and Laurens walked in (without knocking, I noted with a scowl) and made themselves comfortable. Well, Darcy did. Laurens backed out of the room when he saw that Lo was shirtless. Darcy brushed some hair from her sister's face and frowned.

"Lori, you don't have to push yourself so hard. You're going to give yourself a heart attack at this rate."

"My therapist says that exercise is supposed to make me be happier." Lo groaned as I worked on a particularly bad knot on her back. How tense was she? She fell forward on the bed, her face buried in the mattress. I didn't bother trying to pick her back up this time. If anything, this just made it easier to rub her back. I leaned forward and planted a kiss on the nape of her neck, laughing as she shivered. She practically melted under my touch as I started sucking on her neck, and then she let out the sexiest moan-

"I swear to fuck, if you two start banging right now, I'm going to kill you." Darcy's tone was dry as she looked between the two of us. I couldn't see Lo's face, but the tips of her ears were pink. I realized that my hands were drifting towards the back of her bra and moved them away. I stared at her adorably freckled back as I worked out the kinks. I didn't understand why she hated her freckles. They were precious. I traced a finger over them as Darcy continued to speak. "Lori, darlin', you need to take a break. You're not coming to the gym with us until you're fully rested."

"Darcy!" Lorin's head shot up to look at her sister. "I can't! I… I have to…"

"Lo, it's not good to push yourself so hard. Your sister's right, you should take a break-"

"Says the guy that's always writing nonstop!" Lo pushed herself up and tugged her hoodie over her head, wincing as she did. She shrugged me away when I put a hand on her shoulder and got up from the bed. "I had no idea I was dating a fucking hypocrite. I'm fine, Alexander."

"Lorin, you're working yourself up over nothing," Darcy said as I sat stunned, my mouth slightly open. I had never heard Lo say my name in such a… cold tone before. What had gotten into her? Her gray eyes had never looked so distant before. "It's not the end of the world if you take a break. I'm all for you wanting to lose weight, but you'll only hurt yourself if you keep pushing yourself like this. Don't think I haven't noticed how you've been skipping meals."

"You must want me to be fat and ugly forever." Lo's voice was bitter as she stormed from the room, her face bright red. A few seconds later, I heard her bedroom door slam shut. Darcy groaned as she adjusted her ponytail and looked at me, an apologetic look on her face. I stood up to go over to Lo, but she stopped me, shaking her head.

."Lori's… going through a lot right now. She'll calm down eventually." I looked towards the door. Wasn't someone supposed to be with Lo at all times? I looked at Darcy, who was still holding my arm tightly, a fiery look in her eyes. She sighed and let go of me, running from the room. I ran a hand through my hair and picked Lo's shirt up from the floor. I folded it up neatly and went to Lo's room, knocking on the door. She yelled for me to go away. I tried opening the door, but it was locked. My phone pinged with a text.

Lo: Please leave me alone

Well, at least she said please. I put the shirt in the hamper near her door and went back to my room. It was hard to focus on Poe when I was worried about my girlfriend. I could hear her crying in the next room over. I set down the book (which was just another cruel reminder of Lo, since she was letting me borrow it) and paced around the room. I trusted Lo enough to not hurt herself, but I couldn't stand hearing her cry. I couldn't stand not knowing what was wrong.

There were a lot of things I knew about, but mental health wasn't one of them. Lo couldn't control the way her brain worked. I knew that much. But there was still so much I didn't understand, and I should, because I'm her boyfriend. I kept telling her that I understood when she couldn't talk, even though I didn't. I knew everything about her, but I didn't know a thing about her. She was suffering in her own world and nothing I did could fix it. I had never felt so useless before.

I sat down on my bed and grabbed my laptop, deciding right then and there to change. I looked up everything I could about anxiety and depression and selective mutism. I knew that Lo would do the same for me. I just wish that I'd thought to do this sooner. I opened a document in a separate tab and took notes on everything, feeling a shiver go through my body when I read the words 'self-harm' and 'suicidal thoughts'. I thought of Lo, sitting alone in the next room. Her sobs had stopped. I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing and sent her a quick text, asking if she was okay. I went back to the articles.

Angry outbursts, irritability, or frustration

Anxiety, agitation, or restlessness

Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame

I slammed the computer shut and ran a hand through my hair. I had no idea Lo had to deal with so much. I didn't think it would be as… painful as it sounds. I would never be able to understand how it felt to have your own mind betray you constantly, telling you that you weren't good enough and that you deserved to die. I hoped I never would come to understand how it felt. Lo tried to downplay it. All of it. But she had to be suffering, she had to be in pain. I wish she would let us in more often. She had to know by now that she could trust us.

Piano music started to fill the house. I frowned. Lo was the only person at home right now that knew how to play the piano. But I hadn't even noticed her leaving her room. I got up from my bed and made my way downstairs. I would just see if she was alright, then I'd leave her alone. She hadn't yet texted me, telling me that she wanted company, so I wasn't going to push my luck. If she still needed space, I wasn't going to pester her.

She didn't notice me at first. Her eyes were closed as her fingers flew across the keys. There were tear stains on her cheeks that she hadn't bothered to wipe away. I took a hesitant step into the room. Watching Lo play the piano was magical. She no longer looked stressed or angry. She looked almost… Free. There was a tiny smile on her face as she played. I didn't recognize the song she was playing. Then again, I wasn't that well-versed in classical music.

The song shifted halfway through. Lo's face scrunched up in anger as her playing got more aggressive. She slammed on the keys, a furious scream coming from her throat as she sobbed. I ran over to her and enveloped her in a tight hug. She trembled and cried into my shoulder as she wrapped her arms around me. Her entire body was shaking. I felt tears filling my own eyes. I couldn't stand seeing her like this.

"I'm sorry, Alex. I didn't mean what I said earlier. I didn't mean it…"

"I know, love. I know. I'm not mad," I murmured calmly, smoothing her hair down. She must have been pulling at it again. She let out another scream, her voice muffled by my shoulder. Her grip on me had gotten almost painful, but I didn't care. I kissed her forehead and brushed some damp hair from her face. "You can let it out, Lo. I'm here."

She cried into my shoulder for hours. I felt a huge wave of relief whenever she stopped crying, only for it to wash away when she started again. She cried and screamed until her throat was sore. She would beat at my chest, telling me to leave her alone. I didn't budge. If anything, it just made me hold onto her tighter. I didn't want to let her go. I didn't want her to feel alone ever again.