The sequel to Poison! Really hope you enjoy it, because I'm loving writing it.
"How did that make you feel?"
"How did it make me feel?" He could feel himself shuttin down to the question. The truth was that he hadn't ever wanted to feel anything. He'd cut himself off from the world around him and all emotions that came with it. Feeling was for the weak. For people who cared and he didn't, at least he had tried not to. No matter how badly he tried to remain shut off from everything, he couldn't help but feel the same burning feelings that he had become so accustom to. Pain, regret, anger. All of the negetive ones broke through and instead he was left with the weight of a million terrible emotions, gnawing at him from every angle. He clenched his jaw, contemplating the question again as he laid back and stared at the ceiling. His eyes were heavy, his personality dark and he wanted nothing more than to get away. He tried closing his eyes, blocking out the world but it had been no use. He opened them again and sighed to himself as he looked up. If he focused hard enough he could make out the texture of the tiles that covered above his head. He counted them, and after a few seconds he forgot the question he'd been asked altogether. It wasn't hard to focus in the small therapist's office. It was boring, but calming at the same time, which is something Eli savored. It wasn't often that his mind let him feel calm. It was always racing, filled with horrible memories and even worse thoughts. His mind was not that of his own, and he only ached to mute it in anyway possible. He could remember how it felt perfectly. To be lost, light as air without a worry in your head. His mouth almost watered as he thought about it.
"Eli, you can talk to me about this. I hope you know that."
The therapist's words pulled him from his reverie and his attention was pulled back to the man in the chair beside him. He was a friendly looking mad with gray hair and a soft face. Eli hadn't liked him when they'd first met. He looked too happy all of the time and he knew better than anyone that feeling happy all of the time was close to impossible.
"Well Doc, the fact of the matter is, I could lay here all day without saying a word and you'd still be getting paid. Wouldn't you?"
"That's true, but you might as well talk while you're here, right?"
Neither of them said a word, only looking at each other as the room filled with silence. Eli could feel himself fidget as the silence became heavy around him and it made him feel uneasy, so he spoke.
"What is it that you want me to say?"
"Well, how about you start at the beginning? You just mentioned Julia's death. How did that affect you?"
"That was a mistake."
"What was a mistake? Her death?"
"No, mentioning it to you."
Eli listened to the silence as he closed his eyes, waiting for the therapist to speak again but as minutes passed and again nothing was spoken, he looked up. He lifted himself on his elbows and looked into his eyes. His parents had sent him to see a therapist against his will. They told him it would be good for him, that he could talk and share his feelings without worrying about anyone finding out. He hated the idea, but it wasn't his choice in the matter and to be quite frank, he didn't have anything better to do. It was an easy distraction, something he needed.
"What Doc, is that all you got?"
He watched as the therapist's face softened and a smile graced his lips as he folded his hands in front of him.
"I'm here for you Eli. If you want to talk, I'm here to listen but I'm not going to force you into saying anything that you don't want to say if it makes you uncomfortable."
He sat there silently but for some reason it bothered Eli that he wasn't pressing for more details. It wasn't that he wanted to talk about it or any of the other events that had happened in the past, but he didn't like sitting there saying nothing at all. It made him nervous. Because when people weren't talking they were thinking, or judging and there was nothing positive to come from anyone who was thinking quietly about him. So the nerve won over and he decided, again his better thoughts, to talk. He was there for the full hour whether he wanted to be or not. The doctor was still getting paid even while he just sat there, and nothing was getting fixed by his stubbornous.
But then again, nothing ever really did get fixed did it? There wasn't anything to fix. Eli was unfixable, and he knew that without being told by some prescribed therapist.
"What are you thinking about?" he heard the man ask.
Eli sighed. He might as well say something, he didn't have anyone else to talk to.
"I was thinking about how unfixable I am, and how really this is all just wasting my parents money. I mean that's what I'm here for right? To be fixed. Everyone thinks there's just some button I can push or switch I can flip and everything will be better but it won't be. There's no switch or button."
His doctor frowned sullenly at him, "Nothing's unfixable Eli, it all depends on if you're willing to be fixed or not."
He hated the way he used his name. With each sentence he uttered it as if it was a weapon in getting him to speak or make him feel more comfortable. It didn't work, it only made him hate hearing it more than he already did.
There was very little he didn't hate about himself. He hated his life, his school, his dirty little habits. He hated the road his life had taken, and how just when he thought things were going to be better, they only got worse and then there he was, subjected to seeing a therapist against his will to talk about all of the horrible things he felt had happened in his life that led him to the uncomfortable couch he now laid upon.
He sat up, holding his head in his hands as if it hurt as much as he felt like it should and let out another sigh. He sat like that for a moment, trying to push his thoughts out of his mind but it was no use. He hadn't found the ability to keep himself from thinking in a long time.
"Why don't you tell me about Julia."
Eli sighed once more as he pulled his hands away from his face and fell back on the couch.
"There's not much to say. I loved her, and I thought she loved me. And then she killed herself."
"From an overdose, right?"
He shook his head, "She was dead long before she let the pills finish the job."
Silence.
"Julia never loved anything more than she loved getting messed up out of her mind on anything that would get her high. I could tell you a million times that she loved me but even then I couldn't convince you or myself."
"I'm sure she did love you, but sometimes the addiction just wins over everything else."
"No. Julia didn't know how to love."
"What about Clare? Do you think she did?"
Eli's heart stopped. Just the sound of the small girls name caused his body to freeze on the spot. His face fell and a snarl curled on his lips. He regretted ever mentioning her in previous appointments because now he knew he would be forced into talking about her. The girl that had come in like a hurricane to his life. Sweeping in, messing things up and leaving even quicker than it came.
"Clare's nothing."
"I thought she was your girlfriend?"
"Was being the keyword. She used me for her own selfish needs and then threw me away."
"And how did that make you feel?"
How did that make him feel? There that question was again, haunting him. As if it was that easy to sum up words on how exactly something made you feel. How was that question even possible? He hardly knew how to describe how everyday life made him feel, how could he be expected to sum up how he felt about his demons? He tried to keep the bile down that the girl's name brought to his throat. The strong nauseous feeling filled him up and he clenched his teeth to try and stop the pain that he knew was soon to come. Clare Edwards had saved him. Saved him from the horrible life he was spiraling into, the dark black nothingness that had consumed Julia and so desperately tried to take him. She saved him from himself in more ways than one, but none of that seemed to matter to her when she left.
Alone was all he ever really was.
"It made me feel just peachy Doc. I love the feeling I get when someone I care about just leaves."
"So you feel as if the people you love abandon you?" He asked him, taking a pause for reply. Eli didn't answer.
"Is that why you tried to kill yourself?"
The words lit something inside of Eli and it raged beneath his careful façade. His face fell blank for a few seconds, somber as he thought about the therapist's words. His mind couldn't decide whether to let them upset him, or to let them take another notch out of what little was left of him. Instantly he regretted ever even sharing that detail of his life. It wasn't even that he meant to, it just slipped out once when he was explaining who Clare was. It wasn't something he planned on talking about. Abruptly a smile spread across his face.
"I think we're done here." Eli said as he pushed himself up from the couch.
The doctor watched him, "I'm sorry if that upset you but we still have at least twenty minutes."
"Yeah, well you can keep them."
"You can't keep running from your problems Eli, the more you put them off, the more they'll build up on you."
"Watch me. See ya next week Doc." he said his goodbye before he hurried from the room, pushed the door open and left.
He pushed the door open and immediately braced himself when he felt the cold. It was the end of summer, it wasn't supposed to be cold but for some reason the wind whipped around him and sent a chill down his spine. It nearly blew him over as he made his way down the steps towards his car. He sneered as he looked towards it, only a few feet ahead of him and couldn't help but think about how much he used to love the thing. It had been his from the moment he could drive but now, as he looked at it and wished that any of the other cars around it were his, he couldn't help but think of those days as being foreign. Because as much as he loved Morty and he loved the diversity of him, he couldn't help but think of it as just another way that brought him attention and attention was the very last thing that he wanted. Still, he placed his hand to the cold metal handle and pulled the door open, listening to the hinges cringe in protest as he got inside. The warmth of the car engulfed him and he placed his hands to the steering wheel, gripping it tightly as he slid back against the vinyl of the seat with a deep breath. The warm material felt good against his back but good was the last thing he felt. He wasn't a fan of the sessions he had to take, mostly because they stirred his demons and brought them to focus and hiding them was what he spent most of his time trying hardest to do. Why talk about something that was the very last thing you wanted to think about? But he was forced to go by his parents, his parents who, since that fateful moment at the beginning of summer, had been keeping a very close eye on him. Suffocating him with their unending attention to make sure that the dark and miserable boy that had become a constant in their lives wouldn't return. But they had no idea just how likely that was to happen.
His life was just a series of misteps aiming to his demise. It felt like it was falling apart around him and it was like even the tiniest bit of happiness that happened to grace him, was only a teasing fraction used to be yanked out from underneath him to cause more pain.
It wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want to feel this way but it was as if every choice, ever small move that he made let him to nothing but upset. And how unfair was that? He had tried to be happy, but that hadn't worked for him. Instead, it left him off feeling even worse than he had in the first place.
He closed his eyes tightely then, and as soon as he did the pictures came flooding into his mind. Her eyes, the same brilliant blue that had become just another part of his nightmares. Her golden curls, framing the soft face that held the lips he had kissed over a thousand times. Lips that spoke his name, making it sound more incredible than he ever thought possible. But they were also the same lips that had lied to him, over and over again every single time she had told him she loved him.
She didn't love him. No one did.
He flashed his eyes open quickly, only allowing himself to think of her for a short moment before he rushed to open the glove department. He opened it and pulled out a small bottle of pills from it. They were prescribed to him, which was rare. The drugs he had been used to taking weren't prescribed to anyone in paticular, just sold on the street. But these were really his, the name on the label said so. He unscrewed the cap, taking one from inside of it and looked at the small pill. The doctor had given them to him for anxiety, something his parents were sure that he had but he wasn't as convinced. He wasn't so sure that it was anxiety as much as his life just felt like it was a huge pile of crap, just waiting to be scrapped from the sidewalk. Really, because how great was he when the girl he loved more than anything in the world, couldn't even love him back? Again he pushed the thought away as he placced the little pill to his tongue and swallowed it. No need for liquid to help, he was used to taking pills dry. He felt it slowly slide down his throat and closed his eyes as he did. There would be no high or relief to accompany this pill, not like he wished it would. Just one call and he could have anything that he needed, anything to make all the thoughts and feelings go away. Anything that would close his mind, his judgement and erase everything even if for just a few minutes. A pill, a bottle, a sniff. He knew the way to do it, to get lose from the life that had ruined him.
He could feel it creeping up on him almost daily, taunting him and begging for his attention. How badly he longed to just let himself go, to fall back into that life. It would have been the easy thing to do. To get back into the drugs and the trouble and the mindless haze. The thought was always there, ticking in the back of his mind. It was insane how bad it tortured him, but he had made a promise that he was done with that life. A promise that now, as he sat breathless without any given reason, seemed completely pointless.
But for some reason, he stuck to it.
He looked out the window at the cars passing by for a brief second as he slid a pack of smokes from his pocket along with a lighter. He took a cigarette from the pack and lit it then placed it to his lips and took a drag. He let the smoke and chemicals fill his lungs and cloud his mind. The light feeling the nicotine caused wasn't nearly enough, but it was better than nothing and it was the one thing his parents had bothered him about. They knew that it was the least of their worries and that if he needed anything they were glad it was smoking rather than something else that would have them getitng a phonecall sometime in the night. They were smart, but he already knew that much. He threw the pack and lighter to the seat beside him and held the white stick between his lips as he started the car and drove away.
Eli had tried to do everything in his power to not fall in love with Clare but it really was pointless. She had come into his life and completely flipped it upside down. But rather in a bad way, it had been positive. At least at the time. He had closed himself off, stifled his emotions with drugs and other illegal substances and she had stumbled in wanting to be a part of it all too. Try as he might, there was no use in trying to push her away and he knew that since the moment he'd looked into her delicate eyes. Clare Edwards had been his cure and demise, all wrapped up into one. She taught him how to feel again, she taught him how to love recklessly and in the process she had won his heart, and after all of that she had thrown it away just as quickly.
He didn't think it was fair. Who was she, to come into his life and take it over completely and then to just throw it all away like it had never mattered? Eli wasn't like that, he had a hard time letting things even matter in the first place so when he finally began to feel like it was all right, he couldn't see how in any way that none of it had mattered. He knew from the beginning that he should have kept his distance. He always kept his heart locked away, never letting it out to care because the last time he had actually let it out it had ended so horribly that he had never wanted to let himself ever feel again. Clare had made that impossible. She may as well have ripped it from his chest, because it was fully hers the very moment that she wanted it and he knew that just as well as she did. But as much as he loved her, it was an incredibly foolish thing to do. She was just a sweet girl who was looking for an escape. He had been her escape. All she had ever cared about was trying to rebel against her parents, to prove that she wasn't the sweet and innocent girl that everyone thought she was. She had said hundreds and hundreds of times that she wasn't that girl, that she didn't want to be that girl and Eli should have listened, but he didn't and that was his biggest mistake. Trying to rebel against her parents had been Clare's escape. Using Eli to tarnish her good girl image, that was her escape . But then she didn't care so much about escaping anymore and suddenly Eli didn't mean as much to her in return.
Eli didn't mean much of anything even to himself in return. Because who was he and what was he worth if he couldn't even keep the girl he loved with all his heart? He should have known. You can never trust that thing. It's the very reason he had locked it away in the first place. He should have listened to his head instead. Clare only ever wanted to escape, to upset her parents and being with him would surely do the trick. He was the dark kid with the bad reputation. The one who drove the hearse and didn't buy into the whole concept of a higher power while they were at church every Sunday worshiping him. He was into the drugs and the drinking and partying endlessly until you couldn't even remember your own name. Clare had seen her oppurtunity with him and took it like the smart girl that she was. And then when she realized that she didn't need to rebel against everything anymore, she had realized she didn't need him and just like that, she abandoned him.
She was sort of like Julia in that way. She didn't care about anything other than her escape. Only Julia had succeeded in escaping, Clare just realized she didn't want to anymore.
And once she realized this, she realized she didn't want Eli anymore either.
The truth was that he had become numb to the world, numb to his entire life and it was as if he was floating through each day on autopilot. His emotions, his feelings, they were forgein to him like a language he'd never understand even if he studied it for the rest of his life. He felt nothing anymore. It was like his body was heavily on vicodine but somehow it had managed to miss the parts that hurt and sedated everything else instead. How was he supposed to think, or act or even live at all when all he could think about constantly was the never ending urge to drown his sorrows in the burn of alcohol or the steady high from some illegal substance? All he wanted to do was go into his house, break open the lock to his parents liquor cabinet and drink until he went blind. But he couldnt do that. For starters, his parents hadn't kept alcohol in their since his last binge. Secondly, what would it accomplish? Mind numbing euphoria, slurring or words and unsteady feet, accompanied by the hangover he would aquire in the morning. It all sounded more appealing than his everyday life but for some reason he couldn't bring himself to take even a sip of the poison he so desperatly craved.
The reason being, his promise.
"Promise me you won't do anything reckless." She had whispered softly into his ear just moments before she walked out of his life. He vividly remembered the tears in her eyes and how atroshis it seemed to him that she was crying. She was the one leaving him. She was the one who had ended it all. She was the one that had left him alone for the entire Summer, a Summer that was very swiftly coming to an end. He hadn't seen her once in the days that the sunny season took over their lives and had filled his vacation with nothing but bleak dreariness. Bleak dreariness that he couldn't push away by escaping how he used to, all because he had made that stupid promise. He looked into her red, tear filled eyes and promised he wouldn't do anything reckless and for some stupidly unfathomable reasons, he kept his promise though she had broken many of hers.
"Do you ever miss it?" She asked, her voice was quiet and he knew instantly what she meant.
"No." He spoke the words confidently. And he meant it too. He didn't miss the countless nights of drunkeness. He didn't miss blacking out and losing days from his memory. He didn't miss the out of his mind high feeling or the way it made his heart race, because the truth was that there, laying beside her in the green grass of his backyard, holding her in his arms, he felt better than any of the things he'd do for a high had ever made him feel. She made his heart race, she made his head light and the best part was that he got to remember all of it.
"You don't miss the rush?" She asked.
He smiled and kissed her, "I get enough of a rush just by kissing you."
She smiled and kissed him again quickly.
"You don't miss the light feeling?" she asked more, "Or losing yourself in it?"
"I really don't." It was the truth, "I'd rather get lost with you. I'd much prefer losing hours of my day just laying here with you in my arms than face down on my bedroom floor as the world spun around me."
Again, her brilliant smile graced her lips and she then used them to kiss him. Again, and then again.
"I love you." He whispered and she said the same in return.
"I just feel bad." She pouted after a few moments of silence. The warm Spring sun fell around them, illuminating their pale white skin, "I've completely changed you. Your life is nothing like it used to be now that I'm in it."
He was silent for a moment before he spoke.
"Well that's true. You changed my life the moment you walked into the nurses office. But..."
He paused to kiss away her frown, "You changed it for the better."
"Are you sure?" She asked unconvinced.
He wasnt sure how to reply, so it took him a few seconds to think of an answer.
"There's a gun in my parents dresser and the lack of a hole in my head that should answer that question for you."
A shiver fell down Clare's spine. The memory wasn't one she liked to relive. Walking in on Eli with the gun to his head had been the best and worst thing she'd ever done. Best because she had stopped him from taking himself away from the world. Worst, because she would never be able to get the vision out of her mind.
She pushed him back against the grass and kissed him, placing her hands to his cheek as she did and his stomach shook with the love he felt for her. She couldn't even fathom the thought of seeing him like that again, but he knew that as long as she was in his life, it wasn't an option.
Eli's fist cluthed tightly around his steering wheel as he shut the memory out as best he could. Clare wasn't in his life anymore, but he wasn't going to off himself on her account. He'd come to close to the act to ever think of it again. Plus, a gun wouldn't be his weapon of choice when choosing an escape from the world. No, instead he would go into his house, go to his room and lay in his bed while he hoped that maybe, just maybe he could actually fall asleep and hope that the nightmares wouldn't completely consume him.