Happy Monday, my lovelies! I don't really have much to say about this chapter. It's just a tiny peek inside of Darcy's brain, since I feel like I don't show the eldest Haywood nearly enough love. I hope you lovely people enjoy the chapter and I'll see y'all on Thursday! ~Shaymie

Darcy's POV

"What's on your mind, Dar?" I looked up as John entered the room and smiled when he handed me a mug of tea. He joined me on his bed and sipped from his mug. I bit my lip and frowned. A lot of things were on my mind. Like how Lori didn't seem to be getting better, despite the fact that she was taking her medicine. She was worrying me. She tried to act like she had it all together, but she didn't. A simple look into her eyes could tell you that, but I knew that she would lash out if anyone mentioned it. And there was the situation with Mama. She said that her and Christopher were moving to New York to be closer to me and Lori. I still didn't entirely trust her. I was scared she was going to bail on us again, or even worse, leave the baby behind somewhere… Maybe even leave the baby with us.

But the most pressing thought on my mind was Maria. I had removed her contact from my phone, but she kept texting me, asking for forgiveness and a chance to explain. She kept making dates for us and getting mad at me for not showing up. It was nothing less than psychotic. She couldn't get it through her thick head that we were done. I never wanted to see her again. I didn't even want to think about her, but I knew that at some point, I was going to have to tell my sister that I had dated her. This secret was eating me up inside. I frowned and decided to talk about the thing that was easiest to talk about.

"I'm worried about Lori."

"I am, too. She hasn't told you what led to her… breakdown the other day?" John's eyebrows furrowed when I shook my head. I had been willing to give her time to calm down after she had yelled at me and Alexander. It broke my heart to hear her crying, but I knew that she needed to be alone. And then she had gone downstairs, and I thought she was calm again when she started playing the piano. Everything was fine at first, but then she started slamming onto the piano keys, a heart-wrenching scream filling the house. I had gone downstairs to check on her, but she was already being taken care of.

"She sounded like she was in pain, J." My voice cracked as I remembered her holding onto Alexander as she sobbed and hit him. She told him countless times to leave her alone. I was glad he hadn't. I didn't trust her to be alone. "I didn't think it was that bad. I… I thought she was getting better. What if… she tries again? I'm scared."

"She said she would tell us if she felt… like that again." John pulled me into a hug. None of us wanted to say the word 'suicide'. It still hurt to remember Lori in the hospital with bandages on her arms and tubes sticking out of her. I hated to think of the dead look in her eyes and how scared she had been when she finally woke up. I still had nightmares about it.

"She's not exactly the most open when it comes to talking about her feelings, J. I mean, she hadn't even left a note…" I choked on the words and shook the thoughts from my head. That was in the past. Lori was… well, she wasn't fine, but she was better than she had been almost two years ago. I didn't know what depression was like, but I knew it was a hell of a lot worse than TV and movies made it look like. It wasn't just being sad and writing angsty poetry in a cafe. It couldn't be fixed just by meeting that perfect guy, no matter how much I wanted it to be.

John and I jumped as my phone started ringing. I grabbed it from the pillow and saw that Lori was calling. I cleared my throat before answering. I didn't want her to know that I had almost been crying.

"Hi, Lori. What's up?" I asked, flinching. My voice still sounded a bit scratchy, but she didn't seem to notice. I could hear talking in the background, but I didn't recognize the voices. I checked the time. 3:47. She was probably still at school, waiting for Alexander to leave debate club so they could walk home together.

"Can I borrow your ukulele? I'm about to leave school with Eliza and we have a project for choir. I don't think the piano would quite fit it."

"Sure. But… I didn't know you knew how to play it. What's the project, anyway?"

"Any instrument is easy once you learn how it works," Lori giggled, but there was something off about it. I glanced nervously at John. "And it… It's kind of embarrassing. We have to make a mashup of songs, so we decided to make one of Ed Sheeran's latest album."

"You're obsessed with that man." I rolled my eyes and smiled. "Alright, then. Just… call me when you get home, okay? And don't forget to tell Lafayette and Alexander you're leaving. Love you, Lori."

"...Love you, Darcy." She hung up, but it sounded like she had more to say. I sighed and threw my phone to the side. Something was off about her today. She didn't want to work out this morning. She hadn't talked much at breakfast, hell she barely ate. She tried to say that she was fine, but she wasn't. Anyone could see that. I wish she would let us in and realize that she's not the only person that she's hurting by keeping everything locked up inside. I can't stand seeing her like this.

I picked my mug up and started drinking my tea before it went cold. The warm drink did nothing to help the icy feeling going through my veins. I was still terrified. I was scared for Lori. I wanted to protect her, but how could I protect her from herself? I felt tears welling up in my eyes and frowned as a few of them escaped and dripped onto John's bed. I swiped them away and huffed. Crying wouldn't fix anything. It wasn't helping anybody.

"Are you okay, Dar?" I looked up at John and shook my head. I wasn't okay. Not as long as Lori was in pain. But… There wasn't anything I could do for her. I hated not being able to help her. Even after all these years, I was nothing but a useless sister. I couldn't save her from her father. I couldn't save her from James. And now… I couldn't save her from herself. What good was I? A few more tears escaped, and now I was crying. John pulled me into a hug and let me cry on his shoulder.

"I want to help her, but there's nothing I can do. I… I came here to be a better sister and I'm just useless! I'm sick of it all! I'm sick of seeing Lori in pain!" I took heaving breaths and breathed in John's cologne. I was glad I wasn't wearing makeup or else I'd ruin his shirt. Ever since I'd started dating him, I had started wearing it less often. When I did wear it, it was significantly less than what I'd normally wear. With John, I didn't feel the need to drown myself in makeup.

"Darcy, it's not your fault. I hate seeing Lori like this too, but we can't help her. All we can do is be there for her."

"This fucking sucks," I sniffled, holding him tightly. "It's not fair. Lori's already been through so much shit. She deserves to be happy. Why can't her brain let her be happy?"

"I don't know, Dar. I don't know."