Short chapter, I know. But it's necessary for starting the story. Hope you like it :)
Today would be a good day.
At least, that's what Clare kept telling herself as she laid out her clothes infront of her on her bed. She hadn't seen Eli all summer and today would be the first day that she actually did. That was, if he even bothered to show up. For some reason she didn't put it past him that he would ditch the first day of his senior year. Actually she expected it. He had always been the sort of person to run away from his problems. That was something that they both had in common.
She let out a small sigh that she tried not to mistake as relief. Maybe she wouldn't see him and everything would be okay. Maybe she wouldn't share any classes with him and she wouldn't have to endure his hateful glare for the entire period. Maybe she wouldn't have to look at his face and ache with the longing to kiss him like she had so many times before. Maybe she wouldn't have to worry about him or have to watch him stalk off of campus at lunch to his hearse where he probably did only God knows what with only God knows who...
She stopped herself once she realized that she had already planned out every possible scenerio, good and bad, for how the day could go and she wasn't even out of her pajamas yet. Her stress levels were at an all time high and it didn't seem like that was going to change anytime soon.
She wasn't sure why she was so nervous. She'd seen Eli a million times. She'd shared the most intimate thing you could share with another person with him and there had been a point when seeing him was all she ever wanted to do. There wasn't anything to be nervous about, she thought. Unless he did infact hate her, in which case she knew he had every right to. She had broken up with him, and all her life she had known that it was a perfectly good reason to harbor bad feelings for someone. The worst of it all was that she still cared so much about him, and the thought of him hating her was incredibly painful. She'd had enough pain to last a lifetime but of course that wouldn't stop her from feeling it more, and she knew that it wouldn't change. She had made a huge mistake, and she had to live with it and the results that came.
With another sigh, she fell down back onto her bed beside her clothes and closed her eyes. Hadn't Summer been enough time? Every moment, everytime something in life happens, good or bad it's always good to take time. Whether to cherish it, realize that it had really happened or to get over it. She thought the Summer would be enough time but as she looked beside her at the clothes she had laid out on the bed she had to wonder if maybe this was all a mistake. Maybe she should have stayed gone. It would have made everyone's life better. She didn't mind staying with her grandparents and they were the only people lately who seemed like they could look at her without complete disgust. Why couldn't everyone else realize that she wasn't the same person that she used to be? Things happen, mistakes are made and people change and there's not a lot you can do about it. She'd rather look to the future of who she was now instead of dwell on the past. She couldn't dwell on the past. Because if she did, if she even thought about it for a second she would completely lose it and that was something she knew now. She would never be the same person that she used to be. Who would want to stay the same forever anyways? She knew that she didn't but she couldn't help but have bitter feelings towards the regrets she had. Her whole life she'd been taught to live life without regrets, but what were you supposed to do when the things you felt made that impossible to do? Her regrets, the mistakes they made, they were what defined her whether she liked it or not. So yes, it would have been easy for her to stay away, but she had never been one to run from conflict or responsibility. It would have been the simpler thing to do, to just leave and never come back. To run away. But she couldn't bring herself to even think of that concept. Staying away meant staying away from Eli and that was the last thing any part of her wanted, despite what her actions and decisions had brought. She knew that she would rather had him in her life in some way, than to not have him in her life at all. Even if that meant he was in it hating her. The thought made her stomach churn and she wrapped her arms around herself as she took in a deep breath. Inhale, exhale. It's all she could do to keep herself together. Close your eyes and remember to breathe.
She hoped it would work as well when she saw Eli again. She knew that he had needed time. Time to find out who he was on his own, without using her as a crutch. He had used and abused all sorts of substances as a crutch before he'd met her and once she fell into his life, he replaced those things with her and eventually the pressure became too much. She felt like she was going to crack. Not only was she feeling pressure from him but the pressure from her parents too. The pressure from them to get good grades, to do extra carricular activities, to be social and outgoing and churchly and basically to just be perfect, all while their marriage and lives had fallen down around them. Her sister was gone, her parents had divorced and she was on her own. She had no one. No one but Eli. The last thing she ever wanted to do was hurt him, and yet that's exactly what she had managed to do.
She let out another sigh but this time no trace of relief could be found anywhere in it. There would be no sense of relief in a day like the one she had ahead of her. It was time to face it and hope for the best, though she braced herself for the worst. Because not only was she facing Eli for the first time since Summer began but she would also be facing the many people that she knew would be talking about her. It wasn't rare for Clare's name to be on the tongue of the students around her and the teens that made up her school were ruthless. Ever since she became the Christian Girl Gone Wild, she was a hot topic throughout the Degrassi halls. Drugs, parties, shacking up with random guys before she'd fallen into a mysterious relationship with the emo town druggy. What wasn't there to talk about? It wasn't something she looked forward to but she knew it was inevitable. The hard things always were.
She pushed herself from her bed, ready as she ever would be to take on the day and got dressed quickly. Nothing too racy. A floral dress, jean jacket and her regular flats. What could there be to say about a pretty girl in a floral dress? She wanted to believe her attire would soften the blow but she knew none of the attention would have to do with her clothes. What really set her off was the fact that, though she had never been a self conscious person, she couldn't help but worry whether or not she looked good enough for her maybe reunion with Eli.
With a final look in the mirror, she figured it was as good as it was going to get and grabbed her purse from beside her nightstand before making her way off to school.
She could feel them on her the moment she entered the school. The judging eyes, the gauking stares. Whispers filled the halls the second she passed until they were nothing but a constant buzzing sound, annoying her like a bee. Only this she couldn't swat away with her hand. There was no chance to squash this annoyance. But she held her head high as she hurried down the Degrassi halls to her locker, trying to ignore everything as best as she could. She was strong, but there's really only so much a person can take.
"I heard she overdosed." She heard a girl's voice speak in a whisper but didn't dare look up as she finally reached her locker and began to put in her combination.
"Yeah, overdosed on bullshit."
"Suicide attempt?" Another voice asked just as quietly.
"I heard she got knocked up by some random guy at a party." Another.
Clare felt her cheeks grow warm, burning hot as she placed her things into the small metal locker. She knew it was bound to happen, the rumors, stories, constant remarks and guesses about her life. It was afterall, Degrassi and drama was it's number one export.
She just hadn't realized how badly it would be. She heard just from the time it took to situate her locker, ten different reasonings for why she had disapeared during the Summer. That she had been raped, that she'd been sent away to rehab, that her parents sent her to Africa with Darcy along with sending her to a nunnery. Some were more calm, like a death in the family, and others were more absurd, like that she had died herself.
So many rumors, and that wasn't even the half of it. Halfway through the day and she thought she couldn't have heard anything new or more absurd but she was wrong. She figured with so many people talking about her that one person would at least have made a right assumption. But of course even if they had known the answer she was sure the rumors wouldn't stop. Nobody ever wanted to hear the truth, the guessing always seemed to be much funner. It was like the school had made it a game to come up with the most outrageous answer for her absence, but she just brushed it off. No sense in ruining their fun. Instead she faked a smile at any chance she got. She wouldn't let them know they were getting to her. She refused to let them know how it affected her.
As the day wore on she felt herself growing tired, weighed down heavily with the effect of their words. She wasn't sure how many times she had been called derogitory words and she was having a hard time brushing them off. By the time she reached English, she felt like she weighed a thousand pounds and she might as well have since this was the one class she knew she'd see Eli in if he even showed up at all. He hadn't been around for lunch but she figured he'd taken it off campus. She hadn't seen him in the halls, but she didn't know where his locker was nor which classes he would be in and part of her hoped he had just skipped out of the first day. She wasn't sure she could take much more. But a larger part of her hoped he would be there and felt that getting their first time seeing each other since she left over with would have been better. And a small part wanted nothing more than to just see him, to see how he was doing, if he was okay and just to see the smile she'd felt so fond of all those days ago.
But he hadn't showed up. Not as she entered the class, not as the bell rang and not at anytime before the class ended. Of course it hadn't stopped her from glancing up almost every minute as Mrs. Dawes welcomed them all back and discussed what this year would bring. No matter how many times she looked at the door, it soon dawned on her that Eli wasn't coming. She felt both relief and sadness from the fact. Eventually the sadness won over and she decided that once school ended, she would try to find him. She had to, because if she didn't see him today, the day she had gone through so much trouble to brace herself for, that it would eat her up inside and her mind was a terrible thing when it was allowed the ability to overthink and analyze things. That was the last thing she needed at this point. It was better, in her opinion, to just get it over with.