Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors or any of the brands mentioned in this story.
Dovewing looked around. Obese kittypets were coming!
A bunch of fat kittypets burst through the entrance. Every cat screamed their heads off.
"Give us your kibble!" One kittypet exclaimed. Keyboard Cat suddenly came out of no where and started playing. The kittypets danced.
"Go suck waffles!" Cherrypaw yowled, and the kits all giggled.
Jayfeather was receiving a vision from StarClan, meanwhile. Bluestar padded through the fog. "I'm blue, aba de baba die, ana be daba die, ana be daba die..." Music played, and she dismissed the song. "Young Jayfeather… My name is Bluestar…" She murmured.
"What the Dark Forest, stupid ass beotch, I already knew that!" Jayfeather hissed, irritated.
Bluestar reached over to whisper something in his ear. "Mooo…." She meowed, and disappeared.
Jayfeather gasped, and felt afraid. "No! Tell me more!" He broke down in tears. What did her ominous 'Moo' mean?
Meanwhile, Lionblaze was enjoying himself in bush, and walked out with Toadstep.
"That sure was a tasty banana, Lionblaze! I'll come around for some more bananas everyday!" Toadstep meowed in his gay voice.
"Well, there's no shortage of bananas there!" Lionblaze replied happily, licking his boyfriend's tongue.
In the showdown with the fat kittypets, the clan cats and kittypets fired jeers at each other.
"Fat asses!" Cloudtail harshly yowled.
"Shun the non-believer!" The head kittypet hissed, referencing Cloudtail's disbelief in StarClan.
"Oh, it's on, someone, grab my fake nails! THIS IS SPARTA!" Cloudtail proclaimed.
"Oh, it's on, someone grab my collar!" The head kittypet meowed, and Cloudtail laid a paw on the kittypet's shoulder.
"AHHAHAHAHAHA!" All the obese kittypets yowled, and all ran home to their Twolegs.
The bald Ivypool cheered jubilantly. "WE WON!" She blasted 'Celebration' by Kool and the Gang.
"CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON!" The radio sang.
Hollyleaf danced, doing the Macarena and Robot combined. Firestar stepped out of his den, the sun shining on his pelt.
Jayfeather, though blind, went from his den, shuffling, and ran into a rock.
Dovewing even stopped watching 'Extreme Couponing' with Brightheart to dance.
The music soon stopped, and Firestar made an announcement. "Okay, I have an announcement to make… A select few are going to Wal-mart on a field trip!" He announced.
Everyone cheered.
"Despite her baldness and pregnancy, Ivypool is going. So is Lionblaze, Hollyleaf, Dovewing, Cinderheart, Mousewhisker, Sandstorm, Brackenfur, Purdy, Leafpool, Squirrelflight, and I.' Firestar continued.
"Why can't I go, asshole?" Hazeltail yowled, and Firestar ignored her insult.
"Haha, in YOUR face.' Hollyleaf meowed, laughing. Hazeltail stared at Hollyleaf angrily.
SEVEN HOURS LATER…
"We've arrived at Wal-mart!" Lionblaze gladly announced. "No dip, I think we know that, retard!" Ivypool hissed.
"Why does it matter, there's nothing to be happy about! Life is a gaping hole of black blackness!" Leafpool moaned, breaking into tears. She was a depressed train wreck ever sincethe clan found about Jayfeather, Lionblaze and Hollyleaf's true heritage. And she couldn't hunt or fight to save her own life.
Mousewhisker & Cinderheart headed towards the condom section. "Ooh, should we get the intensifying kind?" Cinderheart suggested. "What about ultra protection + intensifying, so we don't have bratty kits running around! Or AIDS!" Mousewhisker meowed, and the pair settled on ultra protection + intensifying. Lionblaze jealously peeked at the two. Cinderheart was his! Mousewhisker had to die. Lionblaze did have Toadstep, but Lionblaze was truly bi. He wanted Cinderheart and Toadstep!
Hollyleaf was in the book section, looking at 'Useful Positions to Hang Cats In.' "Hmm, this could be useful!" She mused, and saw a book titled 'Warriors: Into the Wild.' "Pff, that looks retarded! But, I'll but it anyway!" Hollyleaf decided, placing it in her basket with the hanging book.
Purdy was in the cosmetic section, gazing at 'Teeth Kaboom!' "Hlps u gro teeth! I ned thez!" Purdy toothlessly said aloud. '2% chance of working.' It was inscripted on the back. "Gud enuf 4 mee!"
"Valentine's Day is coming up!" Dovewing exclaimed to Ivypool, and the two looked at Valentine's stuff. "I'm gonna get chocolates and a card for Bumblestripe. Wouldn't that be nice?" Dovewing meowed.
"Lol, do whatever you want, I'm giving Foxleap super fun sex on Valentine's Day!" Ivypool meowed, and Dovewing rolled her eyes. Her bald and pregnant sister had no sentimental feelings!
Squirrelflight shopped in the liquor section with Sandstorm, her mother. "Alright, four bottles of vodka, three cases of Budweiser, six bottles of wine, Fruity Red Sangria, to be exact, and eight bottles of champagne. That's it!" Sandstorm listed off what she needed, and Squirrelflight put it all in the cart. "Oh, your having a party?" A nice lady said, and Sandstorm shook her head. "Of course not! This is all for me! I'm actually cutting my alcohol intake, so this is little!" She insisted, and the lady ran away in fear. Right after the liquor was purchased, Sandstorm popped open a bottle of vodka and drank it straight.
Firestar was away from his family, in the cheese section with his other daughter, Leafpool, while she whined about how terrible the world was. "Now… Should I buy normal Kraft Singles, or Kraft Singles Light?" Firestar wondered aloud, bamboozled with wonder.
Gasp! Firestar can't pick his cheese! Cliffhanger! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, please review, sign up for alerts, and read future chapters! -lugirox