Happy Thursday lovelies, and a very happy birthday to our very own Hamilton! Not in this chapter, though. Like, in real life. *throws confetti* Whoo! I hope you lovely people enjoy the chapter! ~Shaymie

Lorin's POV

"Lori, you need to eat." I huffed and turned away from Darcy, who was trying to feed me a spoonful of oatmeal. I wasn't hungry. And why did she feel the need to feed me? I could hold a spoon by myself. I put my hands underneath the stiff hospital blanket and glared at my sister when she clicked her teeth. Right. Hands above the blanket so I couldn't hurt myself. I withdrew my hands from the blanket and crossed them over my chest.

"Lorin, you're acting like a child. You have to eat if you want to get better," Darcy said gently. I rolled my eyes. I didn't want to get better. The only reason I was in the hospital was because I had messed up. I didn't cut deep enough. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to be six feet under. I looked up as Darcy slammed the bowl down, splashing oatmeal everywhere. Thankfully it wasn't still hot. She had been trying to get me to eat for awhile now.

"Dammit Lori, talk to me! I don't know what's going through your mind!" Her eyes filled with tears. I turned to look at her. I hated seeing her cry. I hated seeing anyone cry, knowing that I was the reason they were sad. It would probably be worse if I had died, but at least then I wouldn't have to look at them. I wouldn't have to see the pain I had put them through.

Darcy groaned in frustration and tugged at her hair. Her bottom lip quivered as she stared at me, tears streaming down her face. I opened my mouth to say something, but the words were caught in my throat. I looked down at the blanket and frowned. What could I say to her? What should I say to her? 'Sorry for trying to kill myself, but it'll probably happen again because I'm a useless piece of shit who doesn't deserve to live?' That just doesn't roll off the tongue well.

She stormed out of the room without a word, stopping John just as he was about to walk in. She pulled him back out of the room, closing the door behind them. I could hear them talking in hushed whispers out in the hall and started to hate myself even more, if that was possible.

"She won't talk to me, John. She used to tell me everything. I… I don't understand."

"Don't understand what, Dar?"

"Anything! I mean, why would she… Why would she do this? How could she be so fucking selfish?!"

I woke from the dream with a start and sighed. It wasn't often that I dreamed about my time in the hospital. I didn't like to think about it. I felt tears in my eyes and wiped at them. It was in the past. I wouldn't… I couldn't do something like that again. Not after everything everyone had done for me. No matter how bad things got. The memory of their devastated faces was burned into my mind. I couldn't do that again.

I looked at Alex, who had fallen asleep at his desk. Again. He was taking the SAT early next month along with Angelica, but unlike her, he had put off his studying until the month before. I was taking the ACT in a few months, but I wasn't too worried about it. Sure, I was going to study for it, but I wasn't smart like Alex and Darcy and Angelica. I'd probably just get a mediocre score and get into a mediocre college, if I even decided to go.

I went to the bathroom and splashed water on my face, trying to ignore the bundle of nerves in my gut. What time was it? Shouldn't it be time for me to taking my medicine? Should I even bother with it? It wasn't working. That was why I had stopped it in the first place. Maybe this was just a faulty prescription or… something. I've had some of those before. It was nothing to worry about. I just had to try again. I'd tell George and Martha about it and I'd just… change prescriptions. Again. The thought sent a wave of irritation through me. After taking so many different types of medicine, I would think that I'd find something that would work for me. What if this never got better?

Please God no, I can't take it anymore-

The house felt suffocating. Every breath I took only made me struggle for more. I tugged on one of Alex's hoodies and shoved my feet into some shoes. As a last-second thought, I grabbed my phone. I needed some air. I made my way through the house as quietly as I could, taking care to not wake up Dumpling or Alexander. The last thing I needed were two hyperactive animals ruining my escape. I shoved my hands into the pocket of the hoodie once I closed the door behind me. I didn't know where I was going on this walk. I just knew that I had to get out.

Anxiety gnawed away at my insides as I started walking through the neighborhood. That was… good. I think. At least it was at a manageable level. At least I wasn't feeling nothing, or better yet, everything all at once. I still hated the fact that I completely lost it in front of Alex. I had been so tired afterwards, he had to carry me to bed. He told me that he wasn't mad that I had hit him, and that he didn't blame me for my tantrum. He said that he understood how it felt to hold everything inside of you until it got to be too much.

Breathe, Lorin. Nothing's going to hurt you, I reminded myself as the anxiety kept building. The wind blew hair into my face as I focused on steadying my breaths. I could feel my hands trembling in my pocket and willed them to stop. I should have brought Dumpling. Maybe having her with me would keep me calm. Or I should have woken Alex up and asked him to walk with me. If he woke up before I got back, he was sure to be worried.

I started making my way home, figuring if I was going to have a panic attack, it might as well be in the comfort of my own home. I pushed some hair back from my face and walked back home as fast as I could, letting out a sigh of relief when I entered the warm house. I locked the door behind me and took my shoes off, setting them to the side. I sat down in the living room and curled up on the couch, clutching a pillow tightly to my chest. I buried my face in the pillow and felt emotions wash over me.

Anger.

Fear.

Self-hatred.

...Sadness.

I cried into the pillow as quietly as I could, hoping that my sobs were muffled. I didn't want to wake anyone up. My chest hurt. My heart felt like it was going to explode. I couldn't breathe, no matter how hard I tried to steady my breathing. Why was I freaking out like this? I didn't have a reason to. Nothing bad was happening to me. Was I just going crazy? That would just be the icing on top of the cake, wouldn't it?

I could feel my entire body shaking even though I was completely warm. I tried to calm my heaving breaths and lifted my head from the pillow, resting my chin on it. Maybe that would help me breathe a bit better. After about half an hour, I could feel myself calming down. I wiped my face with my sleeve and sighed as I went to the kitchen. I grabbed myself a glass of water, but quickly set it down because my hands were still shaking. I leaned against the counter and looked down at Dumpling when she walked over to me. She whined and pawed at my foot.

"I'm fine, Dumplin'," I murmured, kneeling down to pet her. "I just… I don't know what's wrong with me. Everything used to be manageable and now it's not. It's too much. Sometimes I think it would be easier for me if I just… killed myself. But I feel like everyone's expecting me to be strong, even though I'm the furthest thing from it. And I told myself I wouldn't be selfish anymore."

All I got in response was a head tilt. I smiled sadly as I scratched behind Dumpling's ear. Of course she couldn't understand what I was talking about. But it was still nice to let everything out without the fear of someone judging me. Or even worse, trying to give me advice. I knew that everyone meant well, but they just didn't understand what I was going through. They didn't know how I felt. They offered solutions that sounded easy to them, but were damn near impossible for me.

I stood up and sighed. Everyone was going to wake up soon. I should get myself looking presentable so they wouldn't worry about me. I took a sip of water as I walked upstairs. Dumpling followed behind me, her nails making quiet scratching sounds against the wooden floor. Note to self: cut Dumpling's toenails. She wandered into my room, where her bed was. I walked back into Alex's room and saw that he was finally awake. I sat next to him on the bed and kissed his cheek as I set the cup down. He stretched and wrapped his arm around my shoulder.

"I was wondering where you were, Lo. You weren't downstairs when I was making my coffee."

"I was just taking a walk to clear my head. I had a nightmare," I sighed. Darcy's words still hurt even though it had been years since she'd said them. They weren't relevant anymore, were they? After all, I was working hard to stay alive for everyone. That's the furthest thing from selfish I could think of.