Disclaimer: I don't own Warriors or any brands mentioned in this story.
"I must ultimately decide on… Singles Light! While the taste is degraded, me and Sandstorm do need to diet." Firestar decided on the Singles Light.
Lionblaze went to the kitchen knife section. He had to murder Mousewhisker. That bastard couldn't have Cinderheart. "Hey, Lionblaze, you stupid hole!" He heard Heathertail, a sexy WindClan warrior whom he also was madly in love with.
Brackenfur shopped in the girls section of clothes, looking at shirts. "Hmm, I'll buy this 'Peace, Love, Fresh-kill' shirt for Seedkit, and this Snoopy shirt for Lilykit…"
MEANWHILE…
Back at camp, Jayfeather was organizing herbs. He was feeling watched, however. "Dude, if anyone is watching me, feel free to come out, you know?" Jayfeather meowed, and a black cat slinked out of the shadows.
His fur was tattered and torn, he had been recently wounded. "Breezepelt!" Jayfeather exclaimed. "Get out of here!"
"Oh, Jayfeather… Yes, I survived. From the journey. I sent the pack of kittypets, and now, I'm gonna…. ACHOOO!" Breezepelt badly sneezed. "StarClan bless you!" Jayfeather kindly meowed, despite Breezepelt being about to kill him.
In the camp, cats were doing karaoke. Daisy danced around in a lewd manner. "This is for all you hot boys…" Daisy meowed, and Spiderleg was jealous that his former mate wasn't stunned by his awesomeness and able to find another guy.
Thornclaw sat down in front of Daisy, and she stripped for him, doing hot dances, singing 'Mr. Saxobeat.'
Berrystumpyleg was even enjoying it, and Daisy was his mother.
Suddenly, Ferncloud's seventeen kits raced out of the nursery. "We are calling for a rebellion!" They yowled in their squeaky little voices.
Brambleclaw gasped. "We would lose our primary kit income!"
"Well, we are starting the Tribe of Epic Awesomeness!" The tiny kits proclaimed, and had black stripes drawn on their faces. "We want names! And independence!"
"Aren't my kits so damn cute? It makes me wanna bang Ferncloud and make more right now! Actually, I think that's what I'll do right now…" Dustpelt meowed to Whitewing, and slipped into the nursery where Ferncloud was sleeping.
Berrystumpyleg, with his three legs, walked through the camp.
"When I walk in the spot, this is what I see. Everybody stops and is staring at me. I got a passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it, show it, show it… I'm Sexy and I Know it, Know it, Know it!" Icecloud sang. She was hired to do it by Berrystumpyleg whenever he walked along.
"I-I-I I work out!" Briarlight added from the medicine den, free of charge.
"Hey, Molepaw, my wonderful son!" Berrystumpyleg exclaimed to Molepaw, and Molepaw was ashamed of his father, and pretended he had no idea who he was.
Brightheart, Millie, Birchfall and Foxleap patrolled by the ShadowClan border. They ecountered a ShadowClan patrol, that had Rowanclaw, Crowfrost, Tigerheart and Dawnpelt on it.
'We're really depressing and dark and evil and you should be afraid of us…" Rowanclaw meowed in an ominous voice.
"Yeah! I'm a stupid beotch!" Dawnpelt chimed in.
"I harbor a grudge against you because your stupid warrior Dovewing is stupid because she won't break the f**king warrior code to be with me!" Tigerheart hissed.
"Let's start a battle for no apparent reason!" Crowfrost added.
"You want a piece of my sexy ass! Come at me!" Foxleap meowed. "I am gonna bring you down!"
Both patrols laughed really hard. Foxleap was mouse-brained if he thought he could take on anyone.
Dovewing checked out her card for Bumblestripe at Walmart. It said- 'I'd give you all my extra fresh-kill, Valentine!' With a cat winking cutely.
"Isn't this a sweet card, Ivypool?" Dovewing asked sweetly. "NO!" Ivypool yowled, smacking Dovewing in the face.
Dovewing got pissed. "Dumb pile of fox dung!" She shouted, and jumped on top of Ivypool, mercilessly clawing at her sister.
"Giz! Vilens iz nat tha ansur!" Purdy toothlessly exclaimed, and Dovewing raked his claws across his eye, and he screamed, running to Mousefur in camp so she could make him feel better with sexual favors.
"It's okay, sexy hottie…" Mousefur soothed Purdy as she licked his tongue… and then took it further by CENSORED! CENSORED! CENSORED! CENSORED! CENSORED BY THE CENSORING ASSOCIATION OF THUNDERCLAN!
The whole clan was home soon, "Alright, I need to go get drunk somewhere…" Sandstorm mused, bringing all her liquor to the empty twoleg nest to drink with Sorreltail.
Breezepelt fled when he heard Mousefur passing by the den to fetch some sex toys for her and Purdy from the Dirtplace.
"Oh, that scary old elder! This isn't over, Jayfeather!" Breezepelt hissed, and went away all Spiderman style back to WindClan camp.
Hollyleaf read 'Into the Wild' behind the warriors den. "Damn! I'm glad I don't know Dustpaw and Sandpaw! They seem like real assholes!" She murmured, and heard Jayfeather's meeting wail.
"ARAAAHHHOOO!" Jayfeather called. Only him, Lionblaze, Dovewing and Hollyleaf could decipher what it meant. The other cats thought it was Jayfeather experiencing his menstrual cramps.
Ivypool was talking to Foxleap with her bald fur and pregnant belly. "I love you Foxy Woxy!" She cooed. "I wuv you too, Ivy Pooly!" Foxleap replied, and Ivypool angrily looked at him. "Ivy Pooly?" She muttered, and went to go gossip about Lionblaze's abs with her mother, Whitewing.
Ivypool thought about her Dark Forest lessons. They were still fighting obese kittypets. It was hard. Hawkfrost seemed to be attracted to her, now that she was pregnant and bald.
After chatting with Whitewing, Ivypool fell asleep and awoke in the dim Dark Forest. She was scared. Hopefully, the kittypets would lay off for once. (Dark Forest lesson TBC in Chapter 8)
"Why the meeting call?" Dovewing curiously asked Jayfeather. "Breezepelt is still alive!" Jayfeather announced. "I thought we killed that bastard!" Lionblaze exclaimed. He was still thinking about his hot sex with Heathertail in the Walmart restrooms earlier.
"I'm reading this good book, with an odd concept, about a kittypet named Firepaw who joins something called ThunderClan, and the cats are weird. I don't get it. But it's good!" Hollyleaf remarked.
"Oh, you're reading that? I was thinking of picking that up myself." Dovewing meowed.
Lionblaze opened his mouth to meow something, but was cut off by Jayfeather. "Guys! Breezepelt has sworn revenge on us! What if he like, gets squirrels to attack or something! Oh yeah, and for the prophecy, Dovewing, I have to have sex with you." Jayfeather said.
"Okay! I'll do it, for the prophecy." Dovewing replied, strangely happy about the task.
"Lucky! You get to screw Jayfeather!" Lionblaze couldn't help but envy.
The other three stared at him like he had bees in his brain, and the four went about their daily duties.
Note: I hope you liked this chapter, and I hope it gave you a good laugh! Please review and subscribe for alerts! - lugirox