Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors or any of the brands mentioned in this story.
Jayfeather checked his mailbox in the mailbox section of camp. He had two pieces of mail. One was an invitation to be a member at the local strip club. "Ooh! 30% off! I'll be sure to use that." Jayfeather exclaimed, saving the strip club letter.
He looked at the next one, and instantly knew what it was. He begrudgingly opened the pink envelope, and there was a heart-shaped invite to the ThunderClan Sweetheart Dance.
'Go with your Valentine, drink punch, dance, play games, listen to music and more at the ThunderClan Sweetheart Dance! Held in the Elder's Den on Valentine's Day! 7:00 PM. Ask Poppyfrost if you have any questions!'
"Yeah, awesome party, they'll last all the way until 7:15, when Purdy and Mousefur will want to have sex and fall asleep doing it." Jayfeather grouchily meowed, and discarded the invitation. Why did Poppyfrost do those stupid Valentine's parties every year? "I HATE MY LIFE!"
"OMS! Spottedleaf is dead! Did Yellowfang take Frostfur's kits?" Hollyleaf gasped aloud, absorbed into the novel 'Into the Wild.' Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Spiderleg digging a hole.
Hollyleaf rapidly dropped her book and stood beside Spiderleg. "Why did you just dig a hole? According to Book 14, Appendix K, Section 6, Subsection 12, PARAGRAPH 63, SUBPARAGRAPH 10, LINE 45…. DIGGING HOLES IS AGAINST THE WARRIOR CODE! IT'S A HIGH OFFENSE!" She went from calm meowing to yowling.
"Sorry, mean ass beotch, I just wanted to bury atime capsule! I thought it would be cool!" Spiderleg defended himself fiercely, and went off to hunt with no one because he deserved no one.
Ivypool trained with the other cats. She pretended to be fighting them, flailing her paws and tail through the air aimlessly. "OUUUUCHH!" She hissed, even though nothing at all had even touched her.
Hawkfrost wanted Ivypool, staring at her lustfully. She was pregnant and bald, now even hotter. But, NOOOO, she HAD to be faithful to Foxleap. Stupid beotch. Then… it occurred to Hawkfrost that he should rape her!
Lionblaze lovingly made out with his boyfriend, Toadstep, and padded out of the bush. Lionblaze then flexed his muscles for Blossomfall. Indeed, Lionblaze was bi, beyond every shadow of doubt.
Hollyleaf, in her anger at Spiderleg's crime, pushed him into the hole he dug. "Hollyleaf, why'd you do that, f**king beotch!" Spiderleg yowled, wanting to claw her pelt. Hollyleaf padded away. He needed to serve the time for her crime.
Lionblaze saw Spiderleg, and sighed. He signaled to Foxleap, as always. " In a world where nothing is safe… There is one hope. Super Blaze, the lion cat! With strength and looks, enough to please the ladies!" Foxleap meowed in his movie-announcer voice.
"OH LIONBLAZE, FATHER MY KITS!" Icecloud, Rosepetal, Hazeltail, and Blossomfall gleefully exclaimed, being paid.
"With strength and looks, enough to impress the senior warriors!" Foxleap continued.
"Man, he is such an amazingly handsome, strong and powerful cat!" Cloudtail and Brackenfur added in, having been paid to do so.
"Yes, it's Super Blaze, the lion cat, with his strength and looks, here to save the day once more!" Foxleap finished in a deep movie voice.
Lionblaze jumped into the hole, and with his prophecy strength, he pulled out Spiderleg. "StarClan, I have to do EVERYTHING…" He meowed. As always, he was being a cocky asshole.
Jayfeather and Dovewing were in the medicine den, having intense sex, because they had to, for the prophecy. "Oh, even though you're a virgin, because you're a medicine cat, you're so GOOOOODDD!" Dovewing couldn't help but moan.
Jayfeather's face awkwardly twisted. "Yep, that's right, I WAS a virgin before this…" He lied in his best possible manner.
They shook around violently, until Bumblestripe walked into the den, catching the pair. "Hey, Jayfeather, I have sem- AHHH!" He yowled, and Dovewing looked at him nervously. "It's not what you think!" She said. Bumblestripe looked crestfallen. "A medicine cat is having sex, for one? For two, with the she-cat who was dropping SO many hints that she liked me! And the feeling was mutual! I need to go have mindless sex with Rosepetal to make myself feel better now!" Bumblestripe sobbed as he ran away.
"Bumblestripe! No!" Dovewing called, and broke down into tears. "This damn prophecy is ruining my life!"
Jayfeather didn't care. "Haha, sucks for you, beotch! Thanks for the sexy sex, let's hope it makes the prophecy come true." He cruelly meowed, and went off to look into a bowl of water and get signs from StarClan somehow from that.
As Hawkfrost was about to rape Ivypool, Ivypool had pains. "I'm giving birth!" She exclaimed, and woke up in the real world, groaning in the warriors den. "GET THESE F**KING LITTLE PIECES OF S**T OUTTA ME!"
Dovewing looked for Bumblestripe all over, and found him by the lake. "So, how was it with Rosepetal?" She asked somberly.
"Fine. Extra hot. Fine." Bumblestripe meowed in reply.
"Bumblestripe… It was for this special thing StarClan told us to do." Dovewing couldn't tell him about the prophecy. "I still think you are very hot. I love you."
In the end, the two reconciled, started dating, and had sex in the lake. Both enjoyed it.
Note: Thanks for reading! I wonder if Ivypool will successfully deliver? Please review!