Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors or any of the brands mentioned in this story.

Firestar organized fundraising patrols. "Alright, Blossomfall, Cherrypaw and Molepaw. Go to the RiverClan camp to sell sugary treats." He was ecstatic. They were selling Sandstorm's sugary treats to raise funds for ThunderClan! They would probably use the money on new sex toys. Their old ones were getting worn out. Unfortunately, Sandstorm wasn't initially up for mass producing 4500 pounds of sugary treats to sell, but Firestar waited until she got drunk, and then she obeyed him.

"GET IT OUT! NOOOWWW!" Ivypool yowled, spraying the nearest hose at Hazeltail. "GGGEET JAYYFEATHER!"

Hazeltail had a blazing look in her eyes. "Stupid beotch!" She hissed, and refused to summon Jayfeather.

Meanwhile, Poppyfrost and Millie were garnishing the camp with Valentine decorations.

Leafpool saw these, and burst in to rage. "WHY CELEBRATE ANYTHING! LIFE IS A TERRIBLE FUMING PILE OF S**T!" She shouted, and shredded everything with her claws. "WE COULD HAVE HAD IT ALLLLLL! ROLLLING IN THE DEEEEP!" She yowled sadly.

Toadstep approached Lionblaze. "Hey, Toadstep!" Lionblaze greeted affectionately. "Wanna go make the trees shake with our humping?"

"Lionblaze… I'm pregnant." Toadstep revealed.

Lionblaze gasped. "You're a dude!"

"Miraculous conception, I guess." Toadstep trailed off, and visions of horror played in Lionblaze's mind.

As Foxleap would be introducing Super Blaze, a bunch of bratty kits would be wanting to play with Lionblaze while he's trying to save Cinderheart from Hollyleaf's fury. Then, because of the dumb kits, Cinderheart wouldn't 'reward' him afterwards, because they' want to play.

"Toadstep, I'm breaking up with you! You suck bigtime for getting preggers!" Lionblaze yowled, and ran off. Going bi was a big mistake, he presumed.

Foxleap passed by, and saw Hazeltail harassing Ivypool with the fact that she wouldn't tell anyone about the birth. "Oh, Hazeltail, stupid beotch, you should have not messed with Foxleap's mate!" Foxleap exclaimed, and courageously jumped on top of Hazeltail, murdering her.

"Oh, so great, you killed someone for me!" Ivypool exclaimed, then reverted back to normal. "KKKIIIITTTSS!"

Foxleap summoned Jayfeather. "Oh my StarClan, stupid ass hooker! My life sucks badly! What the Dark Forest do you want?" Jayfeather moaned. Ivypool mouthed the words 'He's on his period' to Foxleap, and he nodded understandingly.

Hollyleaf was breathing heavily. "OMS! Who killed Redtail? Tigerclaw, or Oakheart? Is Ravenpaw telling the truth? THE SUSPENSE! OMS, Graypaw and Firepaw are not Graystripe and Fireheart. Good for them! Both of those names sound familiar…. I can't put my paw on it, though…" Hollyleaf remarked, and turned to the last page of 'Into the Wild.' "StarClan, dammit! Now I have to go out and buy the sequel, Fire and Ice! I want to know if Bluestar finds out the truth!"

Dovewing was patrolling by the ShadowClan border, and felt a sharp pain in her side, being tackled into a bush, by a mysterious dark tabby. She looked into Tigerheart's eyes, and they just started to make out, Dovewing hardly knowing what she was doing. Tigerheart stripped off Dovewing's bra, and they made love in the bush, despite Dovewing being in a relationship with Bumblestripe, & the fact that she despised Tigerheart, being his ex-girlfriend.

Ivypool delivered two kits: a tom and she-kit. "Let's name the tom… Foxkit, and the she-kit… Ivykit?" Ivypool suggested, think that they were very original names. Without hesitation, Foxleap agreed. "OMS! So original! How did you think of that? I love you, stupid beotch!" He exclaimed, and Ivypool sweetly smiled. "Aren't you just the sweetest little asshole?"

"StarClan, where can I purge myself?" Jayfeather groaned, and padded to his den, popping open a bottle of scotch and mead and tequila mixed. "Man, do I need this…" He murmured, and gulped it down in two sips.

Blossomfall broke her vagina while banging Purdy, so Hollyleaf replaced her on the patrol, with Molepaw, Cherrypaw.

"OMS, Kim Kardashian and Snooki were found kissing in a tanning salon!" Cherrypaw murmured to Molepaw, and they both giggled. They were playing Fake Headlines.

"Kim is pretty hot, but Snooki? Seriously? She's a fugly skank! Fake Headlines is a senseless game." Hollyleaf meowed aloud.

"No, we actually got it from a tabloid!" Molepaw explained, showing Hollyleaf a copy of the 'International Requirer.'

Hollyleaf saw something about Kate cheating on William with Lil' Wayne, and just looked away.

They reached RiverClan camp, and padded into Mistystar's den, no cat caring, because it's totally normal for an enemy clan walk into your leader's den.

"OMS! Mistystar is having a six-way with Willowshine, Lionblaze, and the Kardashian sisters!" Cherrypaw gasped falsely, snickering with Molepaw. "F you, dumb ass apprentices." Mistystar hissed, and kicked the two off her den, off the High Rock, and onto the damp ground.

The RiverClan freshly faced Hollyleaf. "Hey! What is it you came here for?" Mistystar asked.

"Wanna buy some very nommable sugary treats to support ThunderClan's purchases of sex toys?" Hollyleaf meowed, smiling.

"While I do agree with that valid cause, because sex toys have been proven to increase satisfaction, I'll have to decline. Mothwing makes her own delectable sugary treats." Mistystar politely refused.

"SAYING NO TO HOLLYLEAF IS, ACCORDING TO BOOK 3, APPENDIX H, SECTION 99, SUBSECTION 25, PARAGRAPH 234, SUBPARAGRAPH 16, LINE 40 IS AGAINST THE CODE!" Hollyleaf yowled, unsheathing her claws.

"That's not even against the co-" Mistystar's retort was cut off by Hollyleaf cutting open her skin.

Poppyfrost and Millie especially decorated the Elder's Den, because of the sweetheart dance.

Lionblaze didn't know who he would take to the sweetheart dance. He dumped the pregnant Toadstep, and he loved Cinderheart. He glared at her laughing with Mousewhisker. "You're cuter!" Mousewhisker insisted. "No, YOU'RE cuter!" Cinderheart cooed.

Lionblaze knew he could have any of the younger she-cats in the clan, because they were all into him being he was strong and sexy, or at least, in their minds. He decided to take Icecloud, and make Cinderheart jealous at the dance. She was probably the most obsessed with him, save for maybe Toadstep.

Lionblaze approached the white warrior. "Hey, Icecloud, wanna go to the da-" He began. "YES! I WILL BE YOUR DATE! PICK ME UP AT 6:55! SHARP!" Icecloud exclaimed, and danced around happily. Damn, was she obsessed.

Bumblestripe was prepared to ask Dovewing, not knowing she was mindlessly screwing Tigerheart in a bush at the moment. "I wonder where she is?"

Cloudtail and Brightheart chatted by the warriors den. "We may be old, but let's go to the Valentine's Sweetheart Dance together." Brightheart suggested, and the pair mutually agreed.

Birchfall and Whitewing also planned on going, along with a few other couples.

Jayfeather hated Valentine's Day, with all his heart.

Note: I hope you liked this chapter, as the clan gears down for Valentine's Day! Read tomorrow's chapter, and see how dysfunctional ThunderClan's Valentine's and dance is! Review, please!