Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors, or any brands mentioned in the story.
Dovewing rallied her friends, Bumblestripe, (her boyfriend, actually), Toadstep, her gay friend, Hollyleaf, and Rosepetal. "I hereby start the Dove Posse! We will degrade all the non-cool members of the clan." Dovewing declared, and the group approached Briarlight.
"We're so cooler than you. You can't walk. I am a prophecy cat." Dovewing began.
"I'm dating a prophecy cat!" Bumblestripe meowed.
"I have had sex with two prophecy cats!" Toadstep condescended, thinking of Lionblaze and Jayfeather. "I'm even pregnant by one!"
"I am a former prophecy cat, and sister of two prophecy cats! And, I'm Head of the ThunderClan Department of Code Enforcement!" Hollyleaf bragged.
"I was hanged, and barely survived, by a former prophecy cat." Rosepetal put in, glaring at Hollyleaf.
"OMS! I'm so saddd! I must bow down to the amazing Dove Posse!" Briarlight bursted into tears. She was especially jealous of how Rosepetal was cool.
Lionblaze was having sex with Cinderheart in a pile of mouse droppings. Cinderheart licked Lionblaze's poo-brown fur. "Nomnomnom… This makes me ssssoo horny…" She meowed, and Lionblaze smiled sexually. "OOOOH! GOOD SPOT!" He yowled, and they giggled, Cinderheart's bra hanging from a nearby tree.
Jayfeather was dreaming. A bunch of nyan cats were going through the territory, destroying everything in their wake, even Jayfeather's favorite sexual partner, the Stick. Then, he saw Spottedleaf and Rock making out really hard. "What the Dark Forest?" Jayfeather exclaimed. "Oh yeah, speaking of Dark Forest, do you stupid dead cats have any advice on beating them down, you know?"
Spottedleaf and Rock stopped making out, and straightened. "Beware of the poptart… for when it and the rainbow are combined, they will wreak destruction on the forest…" They warned in unison, and faded away.
Jayfeather woke up, panting, thinking about the dream.
"F**k you, stupid beotch!" Foxleap screamed at Ivypool. "NOOO, F**k YOU, dumb pile of fox dung that is an ugly and desperate asshole!" Ivypool retaliated. Foxleap had been cheating on her, with Hazeltail. Foxleap didn't really like Hazeltail. He just wanted a short fling.
"I want a divorce!" Ivypool demanded. She couldn't stand him anymore! She would go on, raising her kits alone, but he would have to pay child support.
Foxleap, however, was also mad. Ivypool never was on her meds! He couldn't handle being with her.
Lionblaze was in the Fourclan gym, flexing his muscles, while a few other cats were on treadmills.
He lifted a 75 pounds weight. "Easssy…" Lionblaze meowed, listening to 'Whip My Fur' by Willowpelt on his iPod. His motivation song… Lionblaze attempted to lift a 2 pound weight, to see how easy it was, and it crushed his Schwartzenegger arm. "AAAHH! I TORE A TENDON!" He exclaimed. Lionblaze wiggled on the floor painfully. Everyone else thought he was doing the worm. As Hollowflight worked out, he giggled at Lionblaze's stupidity.
"ARRAAAHHHOO!" Jayfeather called out for a prophecy meeting. As I mentioned in an earlier chapter, only Lionblaze, Dovewing, and Hollyleaf understood this. Everyone else thought it was Jayfeather experiencing his menstrual cramps.
"What's happening?" Dovewing asked Jayfeather.
"Yeah, dude. You interrupted my working out." Lionblaze said, his arm positioned peculiarly, to try and cover up the evidence of the torn tendon.
Hollyleaf nodded. "Guys, shut up, stupid holes!" She murmured, wanting to listen to Jayfeather.
"Thank you, Hollyleaf. Now, I received a dream from StarClan. It was very scary. A bunch of nyan cats annihilated the four clans, even my lover, the Stick!" Jayfeather was very scared. "Spottedleaf and Rock delivered a prophecy. Beware of the poptart… for when it and the rainbow are combined, they will wreak destruction on the forest…" He said.
"Pff, I wouldn't be too worried, if a rock delivered it…" Dovewing meowed, rolling her eyes. "You are such a retarded beotch, Dovewing!" Jayfeather scolded meanly.
Ivypool and Foxleap appeared in the Supreme Court of ThunderClan. AKA, the middle of camp, by the fresh-kill pile.
"My lawyer is Purdy!" Ivypool called, and Purdy appeared before her. "Gi giz! Imm reprezenteng I-v-pul! Iv nevur ben a loier b4, itz gud 2 tri noo thengs!" Purdy toothlessly exclaimed, smiling.
Foxleap sighed. This would be hard to win! "My lawyers are Molepaw and Cherrypaw." He proclaimed, and Ivypool was scared out of her wits.
She would have to win. Ivypool wanted her money from the settlement!
"And, The Honorable Chief Justice of the ThunderClan Supreme Court… Brambleclaw!" The announcer, Thornclaw, introduced.
"And now, The Honorable Associate Justices of the ThunderClan Supreme Court…. Kim Kardashian, Elton John, Lady Gaga, Toto and his Translator, Albus Dumbledore, Octomom, The Situation, and Miley Cyrus!" Thornclaw finished, and the justices walked to their respective spots.
Lady Gaga, dressed as a cookie, spoke. "I think you should express yourself… and pick your choice… Is Foxleap bi or gay?" She asked. She was answered no. "Is Ivypool bi or gay?" Gaga persisted. She was answered no. "Lol, then screw this!" Lady Gaga said, and chewed on her costume. "Get the f**king divorce!" She said through cookie.
"I think you should keep the marriage! You should go, until you have fourteen offspring, like me! Maybe you'll have a litter of ei-" Octomom began, and was cut off. "Thanks for your opinion!" Ivypool meowed. She didn't even want that possibility MENTIONED.
"Omg…. Like, get divorced! I did it, only after 72 days! Marriage has no meaning, you know? You can end it anytttiiimmmeeee….. Omg! I gotta send a tweet!" Kim Kardashian put in her input, and checked her phone.
The Situation, from Jersey Shore, tore off his shirt. "Whoah! I wanna f**k you hard, Ivypool, so get the divorce! Everyone loves a guido!" He exclaimed.
"Alright, so what does this mean?" Lionblaze asked about the new prophecy.
"I think the rainbow is Breezepelt. Because he is out after us. And he's gay, so the rainbow would make sense. I think the poptart is another cat, who we don't know the identity yet. Maybe a traitor?" Jayfeather explained.
"A traitor? Scary! I'm scared! Damn, I'm really scared now!" Dovewing meowed, fear creeping into her soul, and began to bawl. "I don't want nyan cats to destroy me and Bumblestripe and Ivypool! And… the others!"
"I have an idea of who the traitor. Because I'm a crazy, nosy, warrior-code-OCD cat, I was spying on Icecloud, and she was meeting with Breezepelt, the other day. I'm gonna kill her." Hollyleaf meowed, a blazing look in her eyes.
Dovewing nodded. "Good idea." It suddenly started to downpour rain outside.
"OMS, this is all your fault, Lionblaze, stupid f**king bastard! Burn in Dark Forest!" Jayfeather yowled, and jumped on Lionblaze, scratching him. Lionblaze was defenseless, because he could further hurt his wound, and he didn't want anyone to find out.
"Get off me, poopyface!" Lionblaze squealed, and escaped from Jayfeather's weak clawhold. He was a blind medicine cat.
"OMS! I hate my life! I hate it! I'm blind! I'm blind! I can't fight good! I was born from a forbidden love! It sucks! I pity myself! Argh! Ugh!" Jayfeather ranted.
Ivypool was undisturbed by the sudden deluge. She wanted to get this divorce done and over with. Foxkit and Ivykit played in the rain, slipping on the smooth mud, and making mud smoothies with their mud pizzas, and eating them. "Nommmm…."
"Woof woof, arf arf!" Toto barked, and his translator spoke.
"The Honorable Toto says that he is against the divorce. Toto says that Foxleap and Ivypool should go on a lovely, romantic vacation to the land of Oz, and be treated nicely by the munchkins. Toto hates the water, so he apologizes, but he is going back to Kansas now." The translator translated in a monotone voice, and the two got into a limo and drove away.
"Stupid mousebrain dog, what the Dark Forest is it even talking about?" Molepaw murmured, and giggled with his sister.
"Hey! Be professional lawyers, my kits. Besides, the Wizard of Oz was inspired by true events.' Berrystumpyleg scolded his kits.
"Order in the court, order. Continue." Brambleclaw ordered.
Elton John was dressed like a peacock. Still looking weird, even 25 years after his heyday.
"Hey, that's the bully from the Pepsi commercial who gave his Pepsi up, finally, and fell into the hole of garbage! The singing lady saved the day! He's been singing a LOT longer, and she's better." Brightheart remarked.
"Everyone knows that commercial is a rip off of Star Wars." Birchfall put in.
"Silence, before my Cockesty!" Elton demanded. "Foxleap, wanna go on a date?" He asked.
"No!" Foxleap yowled.
"Fine. I vote for divorce." Elton John said angrily.
"His Cockesty gives his opinion!" Cherrypaw calls, giggling with Molepaw at the honorific.
Miley Cyrus appeared before the crowd. "Ya'll, I wanna dedicate this here song to this great couple, that I wrote while smoking pot, like I usually do- You get the beeeeest of no divorce, stay together now, it would be a good idea. You get the beeeest of no divorce. Mix all 'er it up, and you know you got tha best 'a no divorce…" She sang out of rhythm of 'Best Of Both Worlds.' "Stay together, guys." Cyrus said, and smoked some pot after.
"Shee iz soo moltie-talintid!" Purdy meowed, standing in front of Ivypool. Ivypool rolled her eyes, wishing this would just be over.
Albus Dumbledore magically appeared. "I am 150 years old. When you become 150 years old, you will want to have someone." Dumbledore gave his opinion, and magically disappeared.
"Alright, miraculously, it's split. Half and half, between who should get divorced, between the justices. However, as Chief Justice, I am casting the tiebreaker vote. I am a divorcee, because of that stupid lesbian Squirrelflight, and how she tricked me. If they are unhappy, which they must be, I vote in favor of divorce." Brambleclaw announced, and the remaining justices filed out of the camp, except for Brambleclaw. Ivypool breathed with relief. "Finally!" She meowed, and cast the evil eye at Foxleap. She despised her ex-husband.
"Why are you blaming me for this?" Lionblaze asked Jayfeather.
"You're the one who used Icecloud to get back Cinderheart!" Dovewing chimed in.
"Yeah, dumb ass! It's your fault!" Jayfeather agreed.
Lionblaze realized they were right. "ThunderClan will stand united! For the most part…" He said. He was too wimpy to be in the battle.
"Well, I'll keep an eye on Icecloud, make sure she reveals nothing important, like the nuclear bombs, and I'll murder her, when the time comes." Hollyleaf reasoned, excluding the part about faking her death in the tunnels again.
Hollyleaf left the meeting, and saw her boyfriend, Mousewhisker. "Hey, sexy cutie." Mousewhisker meowed. "Holla, baby!" Hollyleaf greeted, and they jumped in the bathtub, with had a HUGE mountain of bubbles, and, concealed in the bubbles, banged.
Dovewing left the meeting, and, after screwing Bumblestripe, went to Ivypool. "So, you're not with that cocky ass bastard Foxleap anymore, huh? Will you stay on your meds?" Dovewing asked, praying Ivypool would.
"Dark Forest no! Jayfeather is dumping my meds in the stream as we speak. New life, no meds." Ivypool mischievously meowed, and Dovewing cursed.
"How is it with Bumblestripe?" Ivypool asked.
"Fine. We just screwed a few minutes ago." Dovewing nodded. Screws were signs of a good relationship.
"Alright, there goes the Walgreens generic brand of bipolar medication…" Jayfeather muttered, as he dumped the pills in, along with several other types. He had got them dirt cheap at Walgreens, and their effect wasn't very good.
Note: I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and it gave you a few laughs! Please review! Finale is coming soon.