Happy Sunday night, my lovelies. What even is a schedule anymore? I mean, it's basically Monday in two hours, so whatever. I hope all you lovely people enjoy the chapter. Please don't hate me for it. I can't stay away from angst. It's kind of my specialty since like, my entire existence is angst. It hurts me, but I also thrive on it. And in a weird way, it tends to bring people together. Anyway, that's enough rambling. ~Shaymie

Alex's POV

"Lafayette brought some clothes for you to change into."

I looked up as Darcy walked up to me, carrying some neatly folded clothes. Her eyes were puffy and red. She'd been crying. Everyone had been crying but me, it seemed. I didn't feel angry. I didn't feel sad. I just felt numb. When we had gotten to the hospital, I immediately left everyone. I couldn't stand to be around them while they were crying. I was surprised it had taken so long for them to send someone after me.

"Alexander, you can't just sit around in those dirty clothes, with Lori's blood all over you. It's… it's not right. She wouldn't want you to-"

"Can you please just leave me alone?" My voice cracked as I spoke. I hadn't spoken in a few hours. I felt exhausted, both physically and emotionally. All I could think about was how loud the gunshot had been and how much Lo bled and how pale she looked as she was wheeled off to the ambulance. I promised her I would protect her, I… I said that I wouldn't let Reynolds hurt her. But when it came down to it, she ended up protecting me. How could I be so useless?

"I'm worried about Lori, too. All of us are worried about her." Darcy's voice was subdued as she sat next to me, bouncing her leg anxiously. She tucked some hair behind her ear and frowned. "But sitting around in a back hallway of the hospital, beating yourself up about it isn't going to help anything."

"What do you want me to do, Darcy?"

"I want you to get off your ass and rejoin the rest of society. You don't have to go through this alone, Alex." She smiled at me, somewhat hesitantly. It may have been the first time she'd given me a genuine smile, and the first time she'd ever called me Alex. "It's not your fault, you know. John told me what happened and how Lori pushed you out of the way. That wasn't your fault. You didn't make her do that."

"But that bullet was meant for me," I whispered, shaking my head furiously. My chest hurt just thinking about it. I could still see the glint of the gun as Reynolds pointed it straight at me. Lo's quiet whimpers still filled my ears. She had been so scared… But I remembered the look in her eyes. She trusted me to protect her, and I failed her. I'm useless.

"You're acting like me right now. When Lori tried to kill herself, I kept blaming myself for it. I told myself I should have done more. I should have called more. I should have visited more. I should have been here for her. The guilt was just eating me up. It almost destroyed me." Darcy sniffled and grabbed my hands, seemingly unphased by the blood. "It's not healthy, Alex. You shouldn't do this to yourself. It's like you're grieving her, but she's not dead. She's alive. She's strong. "

"Darcy-"

"I have to go check on Mama. But I'll leave these clothes here for you. Please get yourself cleaned up, alright? Seeing you like this is… depressing. We'll go out to get something to eat in a little bit." Darcy smiled tightly and patted my hands before walking away. I watched her leave and sighed.

Forty-five minutes later, I was dressed in new, clean clothes and sitting at a table at McDonald's with Darcy, Laurens, and Eliza. Everyone else was staying behind in case there was an update on Lo's condition. I wanted to stay with them, but Darcy had threatened to tear my balls off if I didn't come with her and eat. Looks like Big Sister Darcy was gone for now.

"I can't believe you actually get an employee discount, J," Darcy said as she took a sip of her soda. Laurens shrugged and pushed a fry around in some ketchup. None of us were really in a talking mood. I couldn't help but to keep checking my phone every few minutes. I shouldn't be here. I should be at the hospital. I should be in the hospital, on that operating table.

My fault. It's my fault she got shot.

I felt sick to my stomach and pushed my tray away. I wasn't in the mood to eat. Darcy frowned around her burger when I gripped the edge of the table. The tears that had so stubbornly refused to fall were now making their way down my face. Lo could die, and it would be all my fault. If I had just protected her like I promised, none of this would have happened. She would be awake and not hurt and happy.

"If I hadn't invited her to that stupid dance, she wouldn't be fighting for her life in the fucking hospital," I spat out, squeezing the edge of the table so hard that my knuckles turned white. She had been hesitant to go to it, but I had her go anyway because I couldn't think of anything better to do on Valentine's Day. If I hadn't been such a shitty boyfriend and actually made date plans like I should have, none of this would have happened. Lo would be here in my arms and we could be sitting at home watching Disney movies.

"It's not your fault, Alex." Darcy wiped some mayo from the corner of her mouth and reached across the table to grab my hand. I pulled away from her and buried my head in my hands, breathing heavily. I wouldn't be able to handle it if Lo died. Just the thought of it sent a bitter taste to my mouth. She had already been through so much shit. She didn't need to add this on top of it all.

"Darcy-"

"What have I told you about blaming yourself? It's not right. And it's not your fault. Lori-" She was cut off by her ringtone, some rock song I didn't recognize. Her eyes darkened as she looked at it, and she excused herself from the table to answer it. I groaned and tugged at my hair, desperately hoping for Laf to send us an update. Was no news good news? Did it mean that Lo was still in surgery, or that something had gone wrong and the doctors were just trying to think of a way to break the news to us? The last we had heard, Lo had lost so much blood that her body went into shock. What if she hadn't recovered?

What if her condition only got worse?

"You should try to eat something, Alex," Eliza murmured gently. "Even a few bites would be enough."

"It's not all about you, Dad!" I looked up as Darcy yelled into her phone in the corner. She looked around and lowered her voice, but she was still audible since everyone in the restaurant had stopped talking. Her face flushed with anger. "Just because you've invited yourself here for my birthday doesn't mean that your presence is wanted. My sister is in the fucking hospital, and until she gets better, I will be devoting all my time to her. I couldn't care less about what you do."

"Are you okay, Dar?" Laurens asked as she sat back down. Eliza's eyes were still on me, so I forced myself to take a few bites of my chicken sandwich. She smiled and patted my shoulder comfortingly. It did nothing for the empty feeling in my stomach.

"I can't do this. I can't deal with him, J." Darcy scowled and crossed her arms. "He keeps calling me Darcelle even though he knows that I hate that name. And he…"

"What else did he say?" Laurens frowned as she trailed off, glancing nervously at me. She shook her head and shoved the rest of her burger into her mouth so she wouldn't have to answer. She looked down at her phone as her text tone went off and stood up, dusting off her hands as she finished eating.

"It's nothing. He just made some stupid comment about Lori. We should get back to the hospital now."