Happy Thursday, my lovelies! Sorry for missing Monday's update, but things happen. Like me hating this chapter and rewriting it several times. And then I get sick and it sucks. I feel terrible, y'all. Anyway, hopefully you lovelies enjoy this chapter even though my sick brain kind of hates it. My healthy brain liked it, and that's all that matters. ~Shaymie
"I basically called her a slut to her face." Lo frowned as she scratched at her arms and sniffled. She had woken up in the middle of the night, crying. It looked like both sisters were shaken up over their fight. I gently pulled Lo's arms down to her side, frowning at the small crescent-shaped marks in her skin. She had scratched herself enough to draw blood earlier.
"It's fine, Lo. You can apologize when she wakes up." I massaged my girlfriend's shoulders and kissed her cheek. She didn't relax and started bouncing her leg anxiously. "You shouldn't stress yourself out like this, love. Everything will be alright."
"I broke my promise, Al. I told her that I wouldn't judge her. She has to hate me!"
"What did you two even argue about?" I asked gently. I didn't want to press too far, but I had no idea what kind of disagreement they could even have. I didn't think it was possible for them to get angry at each other. They were like the perfect sisters. Lo's nose crinkled up as she picked at her sheets. Her eyes misted over with tears, and her mouth started to tremble. Her voice was barely audible as she explained exactly what had happened. I couldn't help but be furious at what Darcy had said. How could she say shit like that to her own sister?
"Alex, calm down. It's… It's fine."
"She said that you cut yourself for attention!"
"And I pretty much called her a slut. We both hit each other where we knew it would hurt." Lo rubbed her arms and frowned. "I… I almost cut myself again. In the bathroom. I was having a panic attack and these voices started taunting me. I almost gave in again. They would only leave me alone if I did what they wanted. But I couldn't do it this time. That's past me.
"It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Cutting myself was like an… addiction. It was the one thing I felt like I had control of in my life. And it made me not feel so… numb. I loved the pain. I craved it. I loved seeing my blood rush over my skin. So not doing it earlier took everything I had. I almost did it. I… I almost did it again. But I was scared that if I started, then I couldn't stop. And I couldn't do that to you. To everyone. It would be too selfish."
"I had no idea it was that terrible." I could see the pain in Lo's face and it made my heart ache. Lo crumbled, breaking out in tears as I wrapped my arms around her. She turned around and sobbed into my shoulder. I rubbed her back soothingly. I couldn't understand why good people were forced to suffer. My mother, my cousin, and now Lo? It wasn't right. My mother didn't deserve to die. Neither did my cousin, who should have been allowed to live a happy life. And Lo… She wouldn't hurt a fly. Why was the world so intent on hurting her?
"It hurts," Lo whispered. I closed my eyes and pressed my lips to her forehead. As terrible as it was, I almost wished that Lo was sick. Physical illness could be taken care of. It could be cured. But mental illness… It stuck with you forever. There was no cure. It would never go away. It was like a plague. Sure, you could take medicines and go to therapy, but it would never truly be gone. "But I don't like to complain about it. There's nothing that can be done about it, so I don't see the point in whining."
"Lo-" I was cut off by the door opening a crack. I frowned. Who would still be awake at three in the morning? Dumpling ran into the room and jumped onto the bed, her tail wagging excitedly. Lo smiled and scratched her behind the ear, though her smile faded when Darcy walked into the room, closing the door behind her gently. She had cleaned herself up a bit since we talked a few hours ago. There was no evidence that she had been crying and she had changed out of her rumpled clothes into her pajamas. Her hair was braided over her shoulder, and she was fiddling with the end of the braid.
"H-Hey, Lori," she whispered nervously. She rubbed her arm nervously and bit her lip. "I've been thinking of what to say for hours. And I just… Words can't explain how sorry I am. I'm sorry for never being here for you. I wish I could tell you that I'd be here more, but that would be a lie. I'm going to be working a lot more to pay for school. And I'll probably even move out. I… have to prove to my father that I'm not a burden to people.
"But that's beside the point. I'm sorry for saying what I did. It's none of my business what you wear. And I know how much you struggle with… with everything. It wasn't right of me to throw it in your face like that. You had every right to hit me. I honestly deserved more. I… I shouldn't have… I shouldn't have hurt you, Lori. I'm so sorry."
Lo stared down at her pastel bedspread as Darcy started to cry. Her eyebrows crinkled together as she pet Dumpling. Her lips moved silently with unspoken words. I wish I could read them, but they were moving too fast. Her shoulders trembled slightly. I wanted more than anything to know what was going through her mind. She was one of the most forgiving people I knew, but I had seen how hard she had taken everything Darcy said to her.
"You really hurt me, Darcy," Lo murmured, a frown coming across her face. "But I said some really hateful things, too. It wasn't right. We're sisters. We shouldn't let an argument ruin our relationship. We've already spent so much time apart... I'm willing to accept your apology if you accept mine. I'm sorry too, Darcy."
"...I don't deserve you, Lori," Darcy sobbed, throwing herself onto the bed and pulling Lo into a hug. Dumpling huffed as she was squished between the two sisters and managed to wriggle her way free. She walked over to her bed in the corner and curled up in it, falling asleep in seconds. Sometimes I felt that she was a cat trapped in a dog's body. "I love you so much, Lori. No matter what happens, I hope you know that."
"I love you too, Dar." Lo looked up at her sister, a small frown on her face. "You look tired. Have you slept at all?"
"N-Not really. I couldn't sleep, knowing that I had hurt you. Anytime I closed my eyes, I could only see the look on your face. I've been trying to think of how to apologize, but I'm not as good with words as Alexander. So I've just been moping. And then I realized that just sitting around wouldn't fix anything. I wasn't expecting you to forgive me, I just… I had to at least try to apologize."
"You should get some rest, Darcy. I'll still be here in the morning," Lo whispered gently, wiping some of Darcy's tears away. She kissed her sister on the cheek and smiled. Darcy sniffled and wiped her nose with her sleeve. She reluctantly stood up, wrapping her arms across her waist. She walked over to the door, but paused before opening it.
"How are you so forgiving?" she asked, her voice trembling. "You forgave me so quickly… What if I don't deserve it?"
"I think everyone deserves forgiveness… With a few exceptions, of course." I thought back what Lo had told me on her last day in the hospital, how she would never forgive Reynolds and Maria for what they'd done to her. Darcy frowned, her perfectly plucked eyebrows scrunching together, but she nodded and left the room. Lo climbed into my lap and rested her head on my chest. I ran my hand through her hair and smiled when she let out a sound of content that sounded remarkably similar to a purr. It was one of my favorite things about her.
"If I were you, I would have let her squirm a bit longer. I mean, after everything she said…"
"I didn't want to waste time being angry. It's as simple as that."
This world truly doesn't deserve Lorin Haywood. How could someone who's been stepped on and beaten down so many times still have so much good in her? She had every right to hate the world. Nobody would blame her for it. I know I wouldn't. Yet she was still so kind. She took the time to give spare change to the homeless. Both her and Eliza volunteered at soup kitchens whenever they could. And it didn't take a genius to know where most of her allowance went. She sure as hell didn't spend it on herself.
"I love you so much, Lo."
"Love you too, Lexy."