A/N: Please be warned this chapter includes mentions of self-harm so if you are uncomfortable with that you might want to skip this chapter.

Chapter Three

First Time

Esmerelda was finally allowed to leave the dinner after what felt like hours. She jumped up straight away and headed for her bedroom, trying to not fall apart before she reached her room. She didn't know why she was upset, she knew Prince was an idiot who was not worth getting upset about but he had made her mood much worse and she slammed her bedroom door so hard when she arrived in her room, Morgana ran and hid under the bed.

Speaking to Prince had made her feel more disconnected from ever to the magical world, she missed everything about it. Flying, making potions, casting spells, she even missed HB being strict and Miss Cackle and her oblivious attitude to anything. She missed her sisters the most though and with that she looked down at the ground and let tears fall.

Esmerelda had always being told crying was for the weak. Showing emotions made people weak and no-one wanted to see someone crying. It had taken her a while but she had finally mastered the deception, she could be blank or stone faced with her emotions she didn't even have to try. She didn't cry much, even when she was alone, but when she did, it was always bad.

For the first time since she lost her powers she cried. She didn't cry straight away as it hadn't sunk in and she didn't really have time to as she was a trophy and when she returned home and realised she had no powers she still didn't cry. She was numb to it and in shock, plus she knew crying was not going to make Agatha Cackle feel sorry for her and step out of the painting to give her back her magic so she hadn't seen the point, but she had had enough and this time she cried.

Morgana seeing her mistress upset jumped back onto the bed and walked slowly over to her, Esmerelda stroked her and started crying more at seeing her familiar, she had been lucky she had been able to keep her in the first place. She stroked her more though, enjoying feeling her soft fur.

"Stupid Prince, I hate him" Esmerelda said through her tears wiping her eyes which was pointless as more tears came down her face.

She cried more crying for her lost magic, her lost schooling, her lost world and freedom and for the fact she missed Ethel and Sybil.

"Things are not going to improve are they? I have about as much chance as mum and dad finding a solution to my absent magic as I do of Mildred and Ethel becoming the best of friends, so basically no chance. Why won't they help me?" Esmerelda said to her cat as she kept on crying wondering why her parents wouldn't help her. She thought the shame of having an non-magical daughter would make them take action but obviously not.

"I can't live without magic forever Morgana! It is to hard!" Esmerelda went on and the cat crooked her head as if she was listening.

After a while Esmerelda stopped crying and fell silent just thinking about everything, what she could do, what she couldn't do. She stood up with a sigh and made her way over to her bathroom to run water on her face. She put her hands under the tap and splashed water on her face before gently dabbing it with a towel to dry it.

Looking at herself in the mirror she had to say she looked awful. She was never one who cared much about appearance, always more focused on work and her sisters, but right now she honestly looked like a zombie. Red puffy eyes from crying and lack of sleep, pale skin, her hair was greasy as she hadn't bothered to wash it. She touched her face a few times hating the way she looked. She didn't even own any make-up to try freshen herself up a bit. Her parents would strict about that.

She tried to forget about how she looked as she grabbed her toothbrush and toothpaste. She might of not being keeping up with her appearance but she was still brushing her teeth. She didn't want her teeth to fall out now as well as everything else. She took the lid of the toothpaste tube and started to squeeze some onto her toothbrush, only it wouldn't come out because it was nearly empty.

"Come on" Esmerelda shouted as she squeezed the tube more to get some on her brush. She squeezed more and some of the toothpaste flew out the tube but went in the sink instead of on her toothbrush. Normally this would have just being a minor thing, she would have put more on her brush, cleaned the sink and brushed her teeth without a care but today that little thing, that little annoyance, was just another thing that was going wrong and it sent her over the edge.

She proceeded to look at the toothpaste in the sink for a few seconds before she lost control. She had one of the cupboards with a mirror on the front and she slammed it shut so hard in annoyance she heard a cracking sound and saw pieces of the mirror fall into the sink from where it had shattered and she let out a sob, frustrated and worried.

Seven years bad luck.

She wasn't one to believe in that silly stuff but with the way her luck was going she didn't need to take her chances for anymore. She took a breath trying to calm herself and then looked in the sink again, preparing to clean the glass up. She picked up the largest fragment and was just about to throw it in the bin by her feet when she was distracted by the sharp edge on it. She was taken back to the day prior when she had accidentally burned her arm on the hair curler, it was true that it had been painful but she had felt something else too.

Relief. She had felt better for a while and in a weird and sick way she had found the pain pleasuring. She had been so focused on the pain on her arm that she had forgotten about her life and the situation she was in. She had felt better, even if it had not lasted long. It had gave her comfort that she hadn't had in months.

She kept looking at the glass knowing she should just throw it away, if she started that bad habit she might not be able to stop doing it but it was hard, she was so tempted to injure herself. She touched her shoulder and that was when she went into a trance like state.

She suddenly forgot what she was doing and she didn't really care if it was a bad thing, she took the fragment of glass and pushed the tip of it into the skin on her shoulder. She pushed deeper until she saw blood and then ran the glass down a little, making a small angry red mark on her arm. She held the sink with her other hand as her arm started to throb from pain bit after a few seconds it started to become more numb and she finally felt alive again. She could still feel pain, she was still capable of emotions. She wasn't dead yet.

She put down the piece of glass, not wanting to go mad with how much she hurt herself and just watched her shoulder bleed. She could of cleaned it but she didn't want to she wanted to see it on her arm. She after all deserved this, all she deserved was pain.

Morgana walked in at that moment and saw what she was doing and meowed at her.

"It is only one time Morgana it is not going to kill me" Esmerelda said as she let the blood flow down her arm and she watched it interested.

Morgana seemed to glare at her and meowed again, she might be a cat but even she knew making yourself bleed was a bad thing.

"Don't look at me like that" Esmerelda said and when the cat continued to look at her she put her outside and closed the door.

"It is alright Esmie you just needed some relief, this is a one off" she told herself as she finally grabbed some tissue to clean the blood away but it was still bleeding. She wasn't sure how to make it stop so she held the tissue on it, knowing it had to stop eventually.

It bled for a few minutes longer and then stopped. Esmerelda looked at her arm and saw she had been left with a small red scar on her shoulder. It still hurt so she gently put a jumper on and left her bedroom, feeling the scar throb.

She went and lay on her bed, feeling the pain in her arm and enjoying the feeling of relief that washed over her. She had not felt so whole in a long time, she didn't understand how cutting herself could make her feel better but it did. She felt guilty and ashamed for what she had done but it didn't mean she didn't feel happier. Plus as she told her cat it was a one off, she needed something to repair her because she was broken but she wasn't going to do it again. She couldn't anyway, she had thrown the rest of the glass away.

"I am sorry Morgana, sometimes I am just weak" Esmerelda told her cat as she patted her on the head. Her cat pushed her head into her as way of forgiveness.

"Thank you Morgana, I need you as you are the only thing I have left right now" Esmerelda told her cat, glad she loved her again.

Despite the fact she had made the scar a few hours ago when it got late and she got into bed to sleep she could still feel a slight throbbing in her arm. It was like when someone had an injection and their arm hurt afterwards, that was how it felt to her.

She was careful to lie on her good arm as she slept as she knew she needed sleep as she had been getting so little. She closed her eyes, only now realising how tired she was as she started to drift off.

She woke with a start, drenched in sweat a few hours later as she had had another nightmare. In her shock she forgot about her arm and rolled onto her bad one only to sit up clutching it as it throbbed again.

"OW" Esmie said as she clutched it and hissed in pain

She knew then she had made a stupid move as now she had a sore arm that she could of avoided, she vowed there and then never to do something so stupid again. Causing herself pain was stupid and dangerous.

"You were right Morgana" Esmerelda said into the darkness as her cat slept next to her. She turned over and went back to sleep, promising herself to not make the same mistake again.