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Chapter Twelve
Confessions
Esmerelda knew at one point she must have blacked out again because when she woke up the bright lights in the hospital shone in her eyes and she felt like she had been asleep for a long time. She could hear voices and turned her head, feeling tired as she looked around.
"Esmerelda!" Sybil said as she saw her sister was awake. She wrapped her arms around her gently and hugged her, Ethel waited before hugging her gently too.
"What happened?" Esmie asked not remembering to well anymore.
"You collapsed, you are malnourished" Ethel explained and with that Esmerelda remembered. She had not been eating right and she fainted trying to reach Cackles. She didn't know how she had been so stupid.
"Esmie, why have you not been eating!" Sybil said looking worried and her blue eyes full of tears. Clearly she was worried about losing her sister or something really bad happening to her.
"I have been, I just skipped breakfast" Esmerelda lied. Not wanting to upset them by telling them the truth, which was she hadn't eaten in days.
"Esmerelda don't lie to us, they checked you over, there is no way you could get in such a state from one meal skip, you have been doing it deliberately" Ethel told her narrowing her eyes to tell her she wasn't fooling her. Esmie sighed, they were impossible to lie too.
"Alright….I have been starving myself" Esmerelda admitted looking at the ground. She didn't want to see her sisters sorrow and fearful eyes at her confession, it would break her to much.
"But why?" Sybil said sounding close to tears.
"I don't even know…." Esmerelda admitted as she honestly didn't know the reasons herself why she was doing it. "I was so miserable I didn't feel like eating and it made me feel sick, one meal skip turned to two and then three, I didn't mean for it to happen" Esmerelda explained to Ethel and Sybil. She couldn't believe she had let things get so bad she ended up hospitalised, she was furious with herself.
"You have been struggling...why didn't you tell us...we could have helped you" Ethel told her and Esmerelda sighed.
"I didn't want to worry you, I wanted to be in control but I realise now I haven't been….I have been so depressed...I let it get the best of me" Esmerelda told them as she looked up and saw she was on a drip again. She was tempted to pull it out again but she could sense Ethel was watching her and she knew she would stop her again. She knew she should be angry at her for doing that but she also knew she had to do it.
"We are supposed to worry about you, we are sisters" Sybil told her logically and Esmerelda sighed in understanding.
"I know but I don't want you to worry anymore than you have to, I am sorry, I am fine" Esmerelda told them, lying to herself as well as them. She wasn't fine and she knew that but admitting that was so difficult.
Ethel and Sybil glanced at each other then as if they were trying to converse between themselves if they should say what was on their minds. Esmerelda looked from one to the other before she spoke.
"What is wrong?" the eldest blonde asked the other two blonde girls.
Sybil looked down and fell silent so it was up to Ethel to talk, she cleared her throat, talking in a much softer voice than usual.
"Esmie…..have you being hurting yourself?" Ethel asked calmly and Esmerelda narrowed her eyes worried and confused. At least she hoped she looked confused.
"What do you mean?" Esmie asked looking at her sister.
"I mean physically, they had to put a tube in your stomach and they noticed scars on it" Ethel said before looking down with a sigh.
Esmerelda knew she was caught out then. Not only had they discovered her secret about not eating but they knew she had been self-harming. She had tried to hide it so well and now it was out there because she had been stupid enough to allow herself to become so weak she fainted.
Esmerelda looked from Ethel to Sybil, not knowing how to respond to that. There was no point, they already knew the answer to that question but these two girls were her sisters, her universe, she didn't have to be strong in front of them, even if she always tried to be. With that she let her composure fall and for the first time in many years she allowed herself to cry in front of other people.
"I am sorry" the girl said as she gently started crying. "I was so depressed and it helped me cope, I tried to stop it but I just didn't know how to" she said crying.
Ethel and Sybil looked at each other knowing she was in a bad way. For her to cry in front of them, they knew she was suffering, she always tried to keep it in to protect them. Both girls moved to sit closer to her and wrapped their arms around her.
"Esmie, you should have spoken to us" Ethel said softly. She was heartbroken about what she had been doing but more heartbroken she had been suffering in silence.
"I didn't know how to, I was scared you would be angry and I didn't know how to say it" Esmerelda said through her tears, crying more as she felt herself being comforted. Why was it when someone was comforted they always started blubbering more?
"We are not angry Esmie, we are just concerned" Sybil said worried about her sister's mental state and health in general. She cuddled into her, enjoying being close to her.
"Thank you" Esmie said before she looked at Ethel who had concern in her blue eyes.
"Ethie...I think I have what you have..." Esmerelda said not saying the word depression. They didn't like to use that word because their parents made it sound taboo. Ethel looked at her and nodded before she hugged her tighter.
"I know, I can see you are sad, I wish I could help you but even now I don't know how to fix it myself" Ethel told her in honestly. She knew ways she could try to make it so it wasn't so bad but without medicine she couldn't do much.
"I just want to go back to school with you two, I don't care about having no magic I just miss you" Esmerelda cried, confessing everything from the past few months. She couldn't keep how she felt bottled up anymore.
"I know Esmie, we miss you too, it is different without you" Sybil told her and sighed sadly.
"Mum and dad are going to be so angry" Esmerelda said worried about how much trouble she would be in.
"Don't worry about them…..you can't help it…..I am sorry it is my fault...if I hadn't of tricked you with Agatha, if you still had magic..." Ethel said trailing off and sighing sadly.
"Don't Ethie, it is not your fault, I was already feeling low before I lost my powers, I just didn't feel the full effects until afterwards I don't want you blaming yourself" Esmerelda told her knowing it was not fair to blame her when it wasn't all to do with what happened to her.
"What are you going to do Esmie?" Sybil asked wondering how she was going to heal and start to get better.
"Well you know how our parents are about this sort of thing, I need to help myself if I am going to recover, I need to force myself to get better" Esmerelda told her sisters as she stopped crying but sniffled.
Ethel looked around, looking guilty. Esmerelda sighed and was about to tell her to stop feeling guilty about what happened with Agatha. They had spoken about it and she had forgiven her for that months ago but then Ethel said something she had never expected and shocked her to the core.
"What if there was a way that you could get your powers back without Agatha needing to give yours back?" Ethel asked her quietly, clearly she had being wondering whether to say anything about it or not.
Esmerelda looked at Sybil, who looked at her open mouthed telling her that this was all new information to her as well, Esmerelda was about to ask Ethel what on earth she meant when their parents transferred in front of them, wearing looks that told them they were not impressed.
"Mother, father" Sybil said as she gulped, clinging tighter to her sisters, scared.