CPOV
I stood facing my brother, waiting for him to speak. His words didn't come, although I knew his tears soon would as he looked down at my son.
"You named him after..." he said, his voice hoarse.
"Yes, we named him after you. The strongest man I know."
He looked to Elliot who had quietened hearing our voices, before looking back to me. It was seconds then before his lip quivered and he pulled me into a hug. I wouldn't have met Ana without my brother, I wouldn't have Emily or Elliot too. Naming my son after him was the very least I could do.
"I have to warn you, I'm going to spoil him rotten," he said, laughing as he pulled away from me to look back to his nephew. His gaze then turned to my daughter before he stepped closer to her. "You too little lady. Get stronger, grow bigger and then you can join in the fun too."
"How's Ana" my mother asked, as I stepped closer to Emily. Reaching into the incubator, I gently touched her wisps of hair.
"Fighting, just like this little one," I told them, wanting nothing more than to cradle Emily in my arms. I wanted to hold her, protect her just like a father should. At the moment, she needed the machines more, although she seemed to settle with my touch.
I listened to my mother as she explained what each of the machines were doing and what tests the doctors would do. Seeing them take blood from Emily's heel was the first time I heard her cry. It was a squeak at first, before turning into a heart-wrenching sob that made me want to tell them to leave her alone. I couldn't though, I spoke to Emily trying to soothe her with my voice and once they had finished, she was quiet once more.
…
Going back to Ana there was still no change. She was sleeping peacefully like I had seen her do so many times before. Carla had finally let sleep take her, her hand holding Ana's while Ray sat guarding them both.
I remember asking Ana once, why her parents divorced. She just said, they drifted apart although they remained friendly, their main focus always being Ana. That hasn't changed now as I listen to Ray speak to his daughter just like I have been speaking to mine. Neither of them could respond but they would know we were here.
"How is she, Ray."
"Better, although you wouldn't physically see it."
"What do you mean," I asked.
"They say her blood pressure has stabilised more but, I won't believe it until I know how she's feeling when she's awake. How are the babies."
"Beautiful, just like their mother. Did Carla tell you their names."
"She did, thank you. I don't know what to say with regards to my grandson's name other than thank you."
"The second we spoke about names for our son, whatever we chose had to go with Raymond. That was a name Ana had for him before we had even met, and I think it's perfect for him, Elliot too."
I took Ray's place when he stepped out for a moment, taking Ana's hand into mine. With my other hand, I placed the photos of our children beside her that Taylor had rushed through for me, knowing when she did wake, whether I was here or with our babies, Ana could see for herself they were here, they were alive.
"They're beautiful Ana, your strength in them shines through. They need you, they need their Mommy and I know they will only settle when they do get you."
…
I don't know when I got to sleep that night, whether, with Ana or our babies, as I felt like I was in two places at once. If only, it would stop the anxiety I felt. Leaving Ana's room, I worried if she woke up and needed me and I wasn't there, her blood pressure would be dangerous again. With the twins, I could only step out of the room if they were both sleeping, worried as I didn't want them to wake and be alone. It's silly really because if I wasn't with them, someone else was but they were my responsibility, all of them.
"How is she doing" I heard asked behind me as I turned to see a priest.
Had I finally gone to sleep, was I dreaming I thought as he came over and stood by my side.
He was real, he was here and had stopped by after visiting someone else in the ICU.
"She's been through a traumatic birth, her pregnancy had a few problems too, especially at the end."
"Your child," he asked.
"Fighting like their mother, my son and daughter."
"You were blessed with two," he said, looking to Ana.
"I was blessed with three, Ana being the best thing that ever happened to me, my children too."
"Would you like me to say a prayer."
"Please," I said, taking any help I could for my family now.
He said a prayer for Ana and our children, asking for their strength to continue. He left me then, continuing on his rounds as my waiting for Ana to wake continued.
...
I was sat by Ana's side, letting her know how the babies were doing, having just returned from the NICU when she finally opened her eyes. She took an age to focus on me as if she was fighting through fog before she came back to me.
As I thought would happen her hand automatically moved to her stomach, the fear and tears filling her eyes.
"They're here Ana, they're tiny but they're fighting just like you. Here look" I said, hearing a cry behind me when Carla and Ray entered the room.
Carla wanted Ana but all she could focus on was the photos that were now in her hands.
"Emily," Ana asked, knowing out of either of them, she would need the most help.
"Tiny, I don't think I have ever seen a smaller baby but she's a fighter Ana. Elliot, he's already putting the world to rights and certainly demands the nurse's attention."
"He will have all the girls chasing him when he gets to school, be a heartbreaker like his dad."
"Someday, although his dad's heart only belongs to one person, you."
"I love you," she said, as I stood, kissing her forehead and then her lips.
"I love you," I told her before finally stepping aside so Carla could get near her.
….
APOV
I've missed out on so much already although, I'm told not much has changed with my babies. I have a son and a daughter and I'm yet to meet either but that changes today.
I woke yesterday, exhausted if the truth be told but also desperate to be close to them. I was too sick to be moved though and my children were too sick to be brought to me, so the waiting continued. I cried, probably sending my blood pressure up but at that point, I didn't care. I need to hold them, touch them, just feel for myself that they're here, they're breathing and they're real.
Seven months was all I lasted but when I first started on this journey, I was warned there was a chance it might not work at all. I got them to seven months inside me, now I had to do what I could to help now they are out.
Breastfeeding or expressing my milk was a start or it would've been if I didn't have to throw quite a lot away. I had to make sure the medication that had been given to me was not passed onto Elliot and Emily so at the moment getting rid of the tainted milk was the only way. Christian helped me express, my mum did too, banning everyone else from the room. We didn't have to say anything because as soon as we said breast my dad was soon on his way out, visiting his grandchildren no doubt.
...
"Are you ready?" Christian asked me as my bed started to be moved.
"Yes, I need to be near them."
I was soon being pushed through the hospital corridor, bed and all as we made our way up to the NICU. I wasn't allowed to get out of bed yet, so I just lay back watching the ceiling tiles pass me by before I was pushed into an elevator.
My mum was with her grandchildren this morning, waiting for me with my dad. They tell me as much as they can, but I need to see them for myself.
"Are there other babies in the room with them?" I asked Christian as the doors to the NICU was opened.
"No, they have the room to themselves, although there are babies in other rooms around."
"Can you wash your hands?" a nurse asked as I was pushed into the room. I could see the incubators, hear my mother speaking to my children but as of yet, I couldn't see them.
Christian helped me wash and sanitise my hands as I couldn't reach the small sink. My skin was so dry so the antibiotic lotion that covered my hands stung a bit.
My bed was wheeled over in between the two incubators and I saw my babies for the first time. Elliot was on his side facing me, his tiny eyes open. There was no doubt from looking at him, who his father was. Every bit of him was Christian, although around his eyes he looked like me.
Emily, I choked back a sob when I saw her as she was covered in so many wires and tubes. Little sticky pads on what I could see of her chest, the attached wires sending whatever reading they were taking to the monitors all around. Both my children had little woolly hats on their heads, tiny diapers covering their bums. They both had feeding tubes up their noses, but Emily's tube practically covered her face.
"What are they having, whose milk," I asked the nurse who approached to give us the update on their condition, having missed the doctor who had been round this morning.
"They're on formula at the moment, one specially designed for premature babies. As soon as you're able, I know they would love milk from mum."
"What did they weigh," I asked, not remembering if Christian had already told me that. I was asking lots of questions, I knew that but they were questions that needed answering.
"Elliot weighed in at 3 pounds 2 ounces, Emily was quite a bit smaller at 2lb 1 ounce."
"Have they put any weight on."
"Not yet, it's natural for a baby to lose a little of their birth weight in the days after they're born. Elliot is down to 3lbs while Emily has only lost a half ounce."
"There's not much of her as it is. She can't lose any more" I said, opening the door of the incubator and taking her tiny hand in mine.
They had placed her on her front at the moment, her tiny head to one side. Her eyes were closed, having pleasant dreams I hope.
"What happened to her feet," I asked, alarm in my voice as I noticed the little tiny black marks that covered her soles.
"We have to take blood often, to see how she's doing. It's a simple heel prick."
"How many times," I asked, feeling the tears welling up again.
I could tell by the look on Christian's face he had been here when they had taken her blood. Looking at Elliot who was on his front also, bum up in the air, he had similar marks but not as many.
"At the moment, we take blood through the heel every hour from her. At this stage, baby's health can change too quickly, and we need to pick up any problems as soon as possible."
I couldn't think of my babies having more problems, they had enough to deal with as it was.
…..
Time seemed to be all we had in this hospital as hours turned into days, and into weeks. I had been discharged after the first week but Christian and I never left. There was always one of us with them, either at the same time or while the other one slept. Both of us taking over their care while we were here.
Elliot had never needed help breathing and while Emily needed some help, it became less and less as her lungs mature. She was our miracle baby, they both were miracles to me, the greatest gift along with their father, I had ever been given.
I told them all that when my birthday came and went. I didn't want anything as I already had everything I could ever need. As I blew the single candle out on my cupcake, my only wish was for my babies to continue to grow strong and healthy, so we could finally take them home.
We fed them through the tube that went down their nose and into their stomach before I was able to put Elliot on the breast. That was a beautiful moment for me, one that was shared with Christian as he held us both while Elliot took his fill. He was a guzzler, liked his milk and was no doubt the same when he was inside. Emily though, it could be a while as the only other time we tried, she was just not there yet.
"How is she," I asked, Christian, putting Elliot down in his fish tank. He had been moved into that a few days ago. Emily though still needed the incubator and the help that it gave her.
"There's no bleeding, no swelling, no problems that can be seen," he told me, a beautiful smile on his face, but I could tell from his red eyes he was close to crying too.
Emily had received many tests while she was here, twice as many as Elliot. This one was the one we were most nervous about, if her prematurity had caused any problems to her brain.
"You ok baby girl," I said, smiling at her as Christian's arms wrapped around me.
"They're both going to be fine Ana," he said, finally letting the tears go in front of me.
Christian had been the strong one, holding us all together, pushing his own emotions aside. No matter what the results of today's test would've been, we would have fought through it together. I could just feel the relief in his body though as I turned to wrap my arms around him.
"Let it go, Christian," I told him, kissing his tear-stained cheeks. "I've got you, just like you've held us all together, now let me hold you."
He sobbed into my shoulder, letting out all the tears and anguish he has felt since our children's traumatic arrival. I know it was terrifying for me when I felt like I was being pulled away into the blackness while I was in the operating room, I can only imagine how traumatic it was for Christian and my mother to see.
"You're exhausted," I told him.
"So are you" he replied, and I knew it was the truth.
"Why don't you both go and get some sleep," my mother told us.
"Yes, sleep, doctors' orders," Grace added.
"I need to feed Emily" I protested, seeing my sleeping little girl.
"You already expressed milk for her Ana. It's in the fridge, along with enough for a few more feeds. I know where you are if you're needed but at the moment, you need sleep and each other more" my mother said as if her words were final.
"You'd call us," Christian said to his mother.
"The second you're needed," she replied, trying to calm his fears of one of us not being with them.
I placed a kiss to my fingers, putting them onto Elliot and Emily's foreheads before I took Christian's hand in mine once he had done the same. We walked towards the door, taking a look back at our children before we left them behind in the care of their grandmothers.
It wasn't far where we were staying, a parent's room which was on the same floor. Each step we took away from them though, felt like a wrench, one we had felt many times before.
"Can you sleep" Christian asked me as we looked to the bed where at some point last night we had both tried to sleep. Separate times though, it felt like so long ago when we had both slept together.
"I don't know, I didn't get any last night when I was here. I spent more time counting the ceiling tiles."
"322," he said, making me laugh for the first time in so long.
"I'm not alone in the quest to find sleep then," I told him, shedding my clothes before climbing into bed. I still kept my bra and panties on otherwise my breast would leak all over the bed.
"Your never alone Ana. When I'm out there, you and our children are all I think about and in here, it's no different."
"I know what you mean," I told him, kissing his lips.
Our kiss, although meant to be a quick peck, was passionate and long as we poured all our love into it. This is what we needed, a few minutes to come back to us before our focus was on our children again.
Sleep did come, and there was no one knocking on the door to wake us up. We were startled when we both woke, and the room was shrouded in darkness.
"How long did we sleep," I asked, sitting up in bed and trying to find Christian's watch. "It's nearly 8 pm, we've been gone for over seven hours," I told him.
"Ana, they would've been knocking the door down if they needed us or if something was wrong. They wouldn't leave us sleeping as they have."
"I know," I said, turning to face him, where he was still laying in the bed.
I lay back down by his side, resting my head on his chest.
"This feels funny," he said, as I lifted my head to look at him.
"How so," I asked.
"No baby bump separating us any more, no being kicked when I try and cuddle you," he said, placing a kiss to my lips.
We eventually got out of bed, both realising that we needed this time just for us. When we arrived back into the NICU Grace was still here with José and Elliot also. Elliot was sat cradling his nephew in his arms.
"Have you had a hold?" I asked José who told me he was content with holding Emily's hand. He was very taken with my little girl, my son too but I think Emily had a special place in his heart. She knew him. Like she responded in her little way to mine and Christian's voices, she reacted to his too. Maybe it was the high pitch because my god José could be loud when he wanted to be, whatever it was, she knew when Uncle José was around.
"What are you both plotting," Christian asked, Elliot, making his brother laugh.
"World domination," he told us. "No, I was just telling Elliot about the work I have been doing at home, the new swing and slide that is waiting for them."
"They will need to grow quite a bit before they go on there," Christian told him.
"I know but there is room for Ana to go down too when they're bigger. They can sit on her knee, you will be too big."
"Thanks, is it too late to change their names" Christian protested, making our daughter squeak. Emily herself was wide awake at the moment, enjoying her daddy and uncles too.
"Yes, they're already registered. How's the house doing" I asked Elliot.
"Coming along," he told me, laughing when Elliot Jnr. decided to start sucking on Elliot Snr's thumb. This is going to cause fun having the same name, but we wouldn't change them for the world.
Elliot had been spending time at my home in Montesano getting everything ready for our return. Knowing there was a chance the children would be in the hospital close to their original due date he had asked if he could start the renovations now. The house would be empty, there would be no disrupting anyone there. His gift to his niece and Nephew, one he was determined to have finished by the time Emily was allowed to go home.
He wouldn't give us details though, it's always coming along, or it will be done on time, leaving me with no clue what was going on. The nursery and my bedroom were the only ones that wouldn't be touched, every other room would have some adjustment or a big one with regards to the living room which Elliot said will be twice the size.
...
Once everyone had left and it was just Christian, me and our children again, I sat down to give them the last feed of the night.
"Do you want to try her on the breast again" Louisa our nurse asked. Over the weeks we had been here, she had become a good friend.
"Do you think Emily will be able to take it?" I asked wanting nothing more than to be able to feed her this way.
"You can try, that's all we can do. If she doesn't take it, you can express and give it to her through the tube."
I nervously sat, a feeding cushion around my waist, keeping the weight off my scar. It didn't hurt any more, but I found it comfortable when I was feeding Elliot so no doubt the cushion would help me now with Emily too.
Louisa lifted Emily carefully out of the incubator being mindful of her wires and tubes. She placed her on top of the cushion as I cradled her in my arms. It wasn't the first time I had held Emily and as always with each time the tears came too. I lifted her up placing a kiss to her head before putting her to the breast.
She was having none of it at first, refusing to open her mouth. A drop of breast milk on her lips was what did it before she opened to me, and slowly started to suck. A minute was all she did it for, if it was even that, either way, it was one of the best minutes of my life. It was progress, a step forward and even though I had to express the rest of her feed which daddy fed her through a tube, I couldn't explain how happy Emily had made me.
We were going forward, although we had a while to go before we could all leave. Weight is the main factor the hospital wanted. They both needed to put weight on before they would be allowed to go home.
"Will she be ok in there?" I asked Louisa as I lay Emily down by Elliot's side.
"For a little while," she told us before leaving the room.
They were back together again, sleeping side by side like they had done for the seven months before. Just like I needed to be near to Christian, they needed this closeness too.
"Marry Me," Christian said, in my ear as he held me from behind now it was just the two of us with our children in the room.
"What," I asked, turning in his arms to make sure I had heard him right.
"I planned to ask you on your birthday but these two had other plans. I want to marry you, Ana, I love you and our children more than I could ever tell you. I want our beautiful family and I want you to be my wife."
"Yes," I said, letting my tears go now. "Yes, yes, yes."
He cradled my face in his hands, before kissing my lips. As he placed the beautiful diamond ring on my finger, our hands were over our children. Christian and I wouldn't be the only two together, we all would be, forever.
Thank you for reading.
I'm so glad that the hospital part of this story is coming to an end, it brought back a lot of memories, good and bad especially the thought of my son's tiny feet.
To those who asked about my son, Harry is a happy and healthy little man at the age of ten. He too had to have his blood taken every hour, thankfully now he only has to have his bloods taken once a year. He may be smaller than some of his friends due to his prematurity but with his love of martial arts, he can certainly kick arse.
We will have a wedding next chapter, no big extravagant society event, just the close family all around them.
Until then, take care.
Caroline