Chapter 8

Anastasia PoV

"…I'm a Dominant," he told me.

"A Dominant? As in BDSM type stuff?" I asked. He nodded in reply. "Oh." I considered his statement for a moment. "I… I really don't know how to react to that." I'd done a little research on the whole kinky sex thing, it was for a paper. It intrigued me, though the idea of letting someone else have complete control over me was terrifying.

"Well, I don't know how much experience you have, but I can promise that we'll go slowly. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, and we can go at your pace." Go slow? If he went at my pace, we'd never get anywhere. I needed to trust that he wouldn't hurt me, not in any way that I didn't allow at least.

"Christian, sex terrifies me," I admitted. His eyes went wide as saucers. "I've never had sex."

"Wait, you're a virgin?!" he asked, disbelief all over his face.

"Yes, I am. I've been terrified of men my whole life. You're the first and only one I've ever let get remotely close to me, both physically and emotionally. I find myself wanting to be closer, but so scared to do so." I looked away from him as I said it. I didn't want him to turn me away but at the same time, I didn't know how to go past this.

"May I ask why you're afraid?" Oh lord; there was the question of the day. Best to just get out with it.

"I was raped," I replied. He stayed eerily still. "My mother's boyfriend or pimp or whatever he was blamed me for her killing herself. He raped me and beat me within an inch of my life. If the police hadn't arrived when they did, I'd have been dead soon after, I know it.

"Ever since, any thought of physical affection with a man sends fear through my entire body. It wasn't until you that I had any abatement of that fear. I don't know what it is about you that changes my reaction. We're kindred souls in a way, I guess." It was true. I felt safe around him for the first time in my life. I'd never felt safe around a man, not even my dad or my brother. I trusted them, and I knew they would never hurt me, but deep down, I couldn't help the uneasiness I felt when in a room alone with either of them.

"Oh, Ana. I'm so sorry. I had no idea of that. You mentioned you were beaten and abused by your mother and her boyfriends, but I never in a million years imagined that." I'd thrown a seriously huge piece of information at him. He had every right to ask me to leave and never come back. Why would he want to be with someone as damaged as me?

Then again, maybe I was exactly what he needed. He said that that woman helped him get through some things, yet he was still in therapy. Doctor Flynn was amazing, but he hadn't helped Christian enough. Perhaps Christian needed to be with someone like himself.

I knew at that moment that I'd never be able to trust myself with sex. I would never go to that step on my own. There was no way I could let him have us move at my own pace. I needed to take the bull by both horns and jump in the deep end, and not look where I leap, and every other cliché I could think of.

"I want to try," I said, barely above a whisper.

"Try what?" he asked me.

"Sex. With you. Tonight," I replied. His mouth hit the floor. "I know that it's a super-fast move, but I know myself, and I trust you. You've handled me perfectly this past week. Keeping distance when you need to, pressing my boundaries at the right times. It's like you can read me like a book. If there's anyone who's going to get me over this hurdle of fear, then it's you.

"We are very similar Christian. Only, when people touch you, you channel it into anger, which you diffuse by being a Dominant. When I'm touched, I channel it into fear, and only fear. And I'm sick of it. I don't feel afraid when I'm with you though. Even when you're so close to me. Kissing me. I'm not afraid. I want more."

"I don't know, Ana. I'm… well I'm not sure that I'm the right man for you to lose your virginity to." His eyes filled with self-doubt. "My playroom is filled with things that would scare you to death. I prefer sex that is rough and nowhere near the gentle, slow lovemaking you'd need."

"Show me," I said, bravely. I was terrified, but wasn't about to let it show. He looked reluctant. "I'm betting it's upstairs," I added, standing up and walking towards the stairs. He shot up and followed me.

"Ana," he said, stopping me before I reached for the door handle of what was likely the playroom. "I don't want to lose you because of this room. I am willing to move slowly. We don't have to do anything that involves any of the items in there. I want you to know that I want to be with you in any capacity you'll have me. Even if we never ever go in this room again."

I merely nodded and waited for him to open the door. He produced a set of keys and unlocked the door. So I wouldn't have gotten it open even if he didn't stop me before grasping the handle. As we entered the room, the scent of leather and citrus wood polish invaded my nose. He flicked on the light switch and I was immediately assaulted with a shocking image.

In front of me was a wall covered in various implements. Chains, whips, floggers, canes, the list went on. On the left wall was a huge bed, bigger than a king size with all kinds of bars built into the canopy. On the wall itself, was a huge cross with shackles hanging down. Bondage. So he liked to tie women up and hit them with these various things. I knew from my research that it wasn't always about pain. Many things could be pleasurable. If you could stand being touched, that is. At the same time there were many people that thrived on giving and receiving pain. I imagined that Christian enjoyed the punishment as much as the pleasure. I couldn't tell if that scared or excited me.

"Please say something," he requested.

"There's a lot here," I said. "I know what most of this is." At his curious expression, I explained. "I wrote a paper about the kink community in college. I had seen a woman dressed completely in leather, towing a man behind her on a leash. At first I wanted to call the authorities, but then I decided not to. The different lifestyle piqued my curiosity, so I chose it for my paper's topic. Throughout my research, I learned a lot about Dom/sub relationships, what each of these implements are, what they do, et cetera."

"Did your research make you curious enough to try any of it?" Christian asked.

"No, not really. I thought about what it would be like to relinquish control like that, but I have major trust issues, and I knew there was no one, at the time, that I'd trust enough to give them that kind of power over me."

"But you trust me?" he queried.

"Implicitly," I replied. "I meant what I said earlier. I don't feel afraid with you. I feel afraid sometimes when my brother and father are around. Even though they never have hurt me, and never ever would, they're men, and I can't help my unease with them. But with you, it's different. I don't know why."

"Why do you see Flynn then?"

"It's all part of my self-counseling. I told myself that if I can get through seeing a male therapist, then I could potentially stand being in the same room as my brother without having a panic attack. So far so good. Ethan and I had dinner together the other night. Kate was out with Elliot. And not once did I have even an increase in pulse the whole time. It was quite a revelation."

"Why the jump into sex already? I mean, we've only known each other a week."

"Christian, did you assume that because I'm terrified of sex that I don't desire it? That I don't desire you?" I asked. He shook his head confused. "Christian, I've wanted to jump your bones since the night I met you."

That was all it took for him to cross the room to me and kiss me furtively. "How can I do this if I can't touch you?" he asked. "I want to touch you everywhere; I want to make your body sing beneath my fingers." My body was singing at his mere words. He didn't need to touch me to get that response.

"I want to let you touch me. I don't want to be afraid anymore. Take me to bed, Christian. Let's see where my limits are."

"Not here," he replied. "Not this room. Let's go to my bedroom."

Christian PoV

I could hardly believe the words coming out of her mouth. She wanted to sleep with me. Anastasia Steele, survivor of such gruesome horrors wanted to throw caution to the wind, face all of her fears and get into a bed with me. I was the very kind of monster that made her fears real. Granted, I never took advantage of a woman, never forced anyone into anything, but still, I was aggressive, dominant, dangerous.

But I couldn't deny that I wanted her. Needed her like air. I'd longed to have her body wrapped around me since she fell into my arms.

I took her hand in mine and led her out of the room, locking the door behind us. We descended the stairs to my bedroom and I closed that door behind us as well. "I'm not really sure where to begin," I told her truthfully.

"Well, you're the one with the experience. What would you have your submissives do?"

"If you were my submissive, you'd be in nothing but your panties, kneeling next to the door of my playroom, waiting for me to enter," I replied. "But that's not the case here, and I've been dying to peel that dress off of you since you walked in the door." Her pupils dilated at my words, her breaths increasing.

I slowly stepped towards her, keeping my expression light and curious. Normally I'd feel my face darkening to a more predatory look, but I didn't want to frighten her. "Don't tie me up," she stated.

"What?" I asked, more confused as to why she said that.

"These marks on my hands and feet," she began pointing to the scars on her wrists. "They're from being tied up in my crib. Sometimes for days at a time. I don't think I could bear being restrained like that."

"Okay," I acquiesced. "I hadn't planned on doing that, anyway. But please, keep your hands off my shoulders, chest and upper back. Those are the places that I can't stand to be touched." I pointed to each place on my body to show her where the no-zones were.

"Sure, okay," she agreed, her eyes softening in understanding. "For me it's my wrists, ankles, stomach and back. I understand your body will likely have to be pressed against my stomach or back, but not your hands please." I nodded my agreement and took another step towards her.

"Miss Steele," I whispered once I reached her. "Do you have any idea the effect you have on me?" She shook her head. I took her hand and placed against my hardening shaft. "Is that okay?" She nodded, touching me lightly, through the layers of clothing. Her feather light touch made me hard as a rock instantly, and begging to be buried inside her. Slow, Grey. Take it slow.

I reached up and tugged on the first button of her dress. Her hand stopped me continuing to the next button. "I have scars," she whispered. "A lot of them." She sounded self-conscious.

"So do I sweet girl. Do not worry; I will desire you, no matter what." I kissed her forehead. She let go of my hand, letting me continue to undress her.

Taking care not to touch her flesh, I undid all the buttons that went down the front of the dress. It fell open revealing a lacy navy blue bra and matching panties. The sight made my mouth water. Carefully I pushed the dress off her shoulders, again taking care not to touch her.

She then grabbed my hand and placed it over her heart. "Feel that? My pulse is racing, but I don't feel afraid," she said.

"It's excitement," I answered, caressing her chest and collar bone with my fingers. "Desire."

"May I undress you?" she asked, her expression contrite and submissive. It made my cock twitch. I nodded, reminding her not to touch my chest.

She deftly undid all the buttons of my shirt and slid it off my shoulders, never touching me once. Then, as her eyes raked over my torso, she bit into her bottom lip and started for my belt. After she had that removed, she flung it across the room and dropped to her knees. Her hands went to the button of my pants and within seconds, my pants were pooled around my ankles, my engorged member only covered by my thin boxer briefs.

"Stop biting that lip, Miss Steele," I admonished, raising her back up to my level by grasping her chin. "I want to remove your bra and panties and kiss you all over," I whispered. "Can I do that, Anastasia?" She moaned in response and I took it as a yes.

I reached around and undid the clasp of her bra with one finger, careful not to touch her back. She let the straps fall from her shoulders, the lacy garment dropping to her feet. My hands slid down her sides and grasped her panties, pulling them down her legs. She grabbed onto one of the bed posts to balance herself while she stepped out of the panties. I turned her towards the bed and laid her down.

Hovering over her, I leaned down and kissed her chastely. "Please tell me if I do something that you don't like, okay?" I requested. She nodded her reply. Normally a nod would get a swat on her behind, but I had to remind myself that Anastasia is not my submissive. I could not punish her. "Please say it out loud," I added, leaning down to kiss her neck.

"I promise I'll tell you if you do something I don't like… oh, but I like that very much…" she trailed off into a moan. I nipped and kissed her neck, her collarbone, and down in between the valley of her perfect breasts. Leaning on one arm, I traced around her breast with my fingers, careful not to touch her stomach when I came around the underside. I pinched her peak between my fingers and rolled it gently. I noticed her stomach muscles clench, revealing a well-toned six-pack. Not many women could achieve that, she probably worked out a lot.

"You are so beautiful," I told her. I slid down her body slightly so I could take her luscious peak in my mouth. She tasted divine.

"Oh my," she breathed.

"Do you like this, Ana baby?" I asked, speaking against her now hardened peak.

"Yes, Christian. It's amazing," she replied. I smiled against her skin and worked my way down her abdomen. I trailed light kisses across her stomach, noticing her flexing and flinching with each kiss. She wasn't telling me to stop, so I continued my ministrations. I wanted to show her that not all touch was bad. It could be very, very good. I only used my lips on her skin, showing her the soft, gentle pleasure that could come from simple kisses.

Finally, I reached her paradise. I could smell her arousal, and it smelled like fresh lilacs and rain in springtime. It made me groan in desire. I moved closer, letting her curls tickle my nose. Normally I'd be adamant about a full Brazilian wax. But something about Ana's soft curls, her innocence, she was giving it to me, freely, and I would cherish it. I wanted her to keep them.

I stuck my tongue out and licked her tentatively. Oh god. She tasted even better than she smelled. My inner monster roared at me, telling me to take what was mine. I imagined slamming into her and fucking her senseless. But no, I couldn't do that. Not yet anyway. We'd have to work up to that. For now, Vanilla was the way to go.

I began licking her with fervor, sucking and nipping her sensitive nub. She was writhing beneath me, encouraging me to continue. I slid my hand up her thigh and teased her entrance with the pads of my fingers. "Yes, Oh god," she cried. "What is this feeling?" she breathed.

I could feel her muscles tightening around my fingers. "You're about to have an orgasm, baby. Let it go, Ana. Come for me." I resumed my assault on her delicious clit, pressing my tongue against it nice and hard. I pumped my fingers in and out of her faster and faster until finally, she cried out, her climax taking over.

Crawling up her delectable body, I laid alongside her, caressing her face. My erection was poking her in the hip, but I tried to ignore it. "So that's what an orgasm feels like," she whispered.

"You'd never given yourself one before," I stated. When she asked what that feeling was, I knew she'd never had an orgasm before.

"No," she replied. "I was too ashamed for many years, thinking I was dirty and unworthy." I started to protest, but she reached over and pressed her finger against my lips, silencing me. "I don't feel that way anymore. Haven't for a long time. Flynn helped with that. But I still could never bring myself to touch anything. I was too afraid, and anything sexual always brought back horrid memories of what happened to me."

"And how do you feel about it now?" I asked.

"I want more. A lot more," she replied. I grinned from ear to ear. It was wonderful to know that I was the one that helped erase her fears; that she wanted to be with me. Wanted more than what I had just given her. She looked down, eying my erection, sinking her teeth into her bottom lip.

"Don't bite your lip," I scolded, pulling her lip free from her teeth. "I want to do that."

"Okay," she said. "But how can I help with this?" she asked, pointing at my hardened member. "I want to make you feel what I just felt." I considered her words, imagining her sitting atop me, riding me furiously. Then I remembered. One stop I'd forgotten to make on the way home. Had I known she'd practically demand sex from me that night, I would have ensured a stop at the drugstore took place.

"Oh, Anastasia. I want to be buried inside you so badly. Unfortunately, I haven't any condoms. I had no idea we'd be doing this tonight, and regrettably, I'm ill prepared."

"Well, um… condoms serve two purposes, yes?" She began. I looked at her confused. "Prevention of pregnancy, and protection from various STDs, correct?" I nodded. "Well, being so inexperienced, I haven't any STDs, and given your nature, I imagine you're tested regularly." I nodded again. "And as far as prevention of pregnancy, well I can't get pregnant. So that's a non-issue."

"Are you on birth control?" I asked her. If she'd never had sex, why would she be taking a pill or having shots?

"No, I um… god this is embarrassing… I don't have a uterus." Her cheeks flamed red.

"Why not?" I asked. I wondered if I should have read her medical report further the other day. It might have gleaned some more information, though it seemed she was more than willing to inform me herself.

"The day that I was attacked," she began. "Oh god, we're totally killing the mood." She looked as my erection dwindled and softened to half-mast. "Um, the man who attacked me… he was very, very rough with me, and because I was so small, he damaged my reproductive organs. They had to be completely removed." She was looking away from me, shame coloring her face.

"Oh my sweet Ana. I'm so sorry," I cooed. I reached out to her, wanting to pull her into my arms, but hesitating. Was she ready for that yet? Clearly she felt she was ready for sex, but was she ready for that kind of affection and intimacy? I vowed then and there that if that fucker was still alive, he wouldn't be for long.