Chapter 12

Ana PoV

"I love you," he whispered.

I gasped, not in joy, but in shock. I didn't know how to feel about that. We'd been together all of a weekend and he was professing his love for me. Something about that shouted red flag. He was waiting for a response but I was frozen. I hadn't processed that feeling in my head yet. I knew I felt very strongly for him, more than I had for anybody before. But there was nobody before. Everything was new with him. Every kiss, every touch, every whispered word.

And now another new thing. He loved me. I could feel the walls closing in, my panic mode setting in. The time when I shut everyone else out and wallow in my own fear. I couldn't do that to him. I needed space. I needed time.

"This is going to sound awful," I began. "Can you take me to my house, please?" I asked. I couldn't look into his eyes; I knew they would show utter devastation. "Christian, no one has ever said those words to me, apart from family, anyway. I don't know how to react. I haven't sorted out my feelings yet, and I'm on the verge of a meltdown. I need some time and space. Just for tonight, okay?"

"I understand," he replied, his voice cold.

I didn't say anything more until we arrived at my house. "Christian, please believe me," I started. "I want to be with you. I care about you very much. But you shocked the hell out of me today, and I can tell that I just need a night away. Just one. I'll bring you breakfast in the morning."

"Really?" he asked, his eyes hopeful but worried. I reached out and caressed his cheek.

"Yes, baby. I'm not going anywhere, but after Flynn laid all my skeletons out in the street and your declaration, I'm very overwhelmed. And when that happens, I need space. That's all. I promise you that I'm not leaving you." I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his, trying to convey my feelings as best I could.

"I'll see you in the morning?" he asked, pressing his forehead to mine.

"Yes, I'll be there, breakfast in tow," I agreed. He gave me a half smile, but it didn't reach his eyes. He was still worried that I wouldn't be there. I wished I could think of a way to assure him that I would be there, but the only way I knew was to give him the answer I knew he wanted. And I wasn't sure if I could utter those three words just yet.

I headed into my house and away from him, which felt so foreign. I wanted nothing more than to have him comfort me after what Flynn did, but then he had to go and declare his love for me, making my head and heart tangle with each other.

My heart wanted to wrap itself around Christian and never let him go. But my head was screaming at me that it was far too soon in our relationship to be bringing in the L word. I had to decide whether to listen to my head or my heart. And if I did listen to my head, what was I going to do about it?

Leaving Christian wasn't an option. I missed him already and he'd been gone all of five minutes. That alone told me something. To be perfectly honest, I was terrified of loving him. What if he realized that I couldn't be what he wanted? What if he decided he wanted a Dom/sub relationship again? I could never be that for him.

The one place in my house that even my siblings knew not to disturb when I was in there was my basement gym. I changed into yoga pants and a sports bra and headed down there. The room was full of various exercise equipment, enough to make any body builder jealous. I filled my water bottle and climbed on the treadmill.

I could have gone for a run outside, perhaps along the beach, but I didn't want to run into anyone and have to start up a conversation. Amping up the speed after my warm up I ran in a full sprint, trying to clear my head.

Twenty minutes later, I wished I had just run outside, as I knew all I wanted to do was run back to Christian's place. I hadn't made any head way in any decision, but I ached for his arms around me. Next was the lifting equipment. I moved to each machine and lifted until my muscles were screaming at me to stop. I probably went a little beyond my limits, but I couldn't help it.

I was going to be sore in the morning; that was for sure. I made my way up to my bedroom and fell into an exhausted sleep. My mind reeling with everything that happened and my body completely spent from my workout.

I'm in Christian's home. He's calling to me, but I can't figure out where he's at. Following his voice, I wind up in his playroom. Christian is standing there glaring at me with a predatory and animalistic expression. It makes me shiver. He's wearing nothing but a pair of faded, torn jeans, the top button undone. "It's about time you got here, Miss Steele. Kneel by the door. You know how," he says harshly.

Looking down I realize I am dressed in nothing but a pair of lacy blue panties, my hair braided down my back. I kneel down, placing my hands on my thighs, spreading my legs apart. My body seems to know this stance, though it seems foreign to my mind. "Good girl," he says softly. "You look so lovely."

Fear courses through me, but it's mixed with an excitement that I've never felt before. Is this how he plays with his subs? Why am I in here? He knows full well that all these things terrify me.

I see him walk over towards me, though all I can see are his feet as I've kept my head down. He reaches down and strokes my hair affectionately.

Then he wraps my braid around his hand and yanks hard. It forces me to look up at him. His expression is feral. "I'm going to tie you to the cross, flog you, and then fuck you senseless," he hisses through his teeth.

Tie me up? NO! He knows how afraid I am of that? Why can't I speak? Why can't I protest him? Why can't I run away?!

He pulls me to my feet and guides me over to the cross in question. He pulls my panties down my legs and brushes his fingers through my sex. It makes both of us groan. I pant in fear as he shackles each of my wrists to the posts, followed by my ankles. I'm on display for him, spread eagle, completely at his mercy, and I can't tell if I don't like it or not.

Christian walks away from me for a moment to retrieve the flogger. It's soft black suede with small beads at the end of each fall. "This is not going to hurt," he assures me, somehow reading my terror. "You have no transgressions against you today, Miss Steele, so you will not be punished." I gaze at him impassively. Punished?

In the next moment, I feel the lick of the flogger against my stomach. He was right; it doesn't hurt. It stings a bit, but no more than being lightly pinched. My skin pinks beneath his attention, small little pinkish dots all over as he continues to swat me with the flogger. My body is singing for him and I can feel moisture pooling between my legs.

"You like this, don't you Miss Steele?" he remarks, rhetorically. "You're so ready for me already." He drops the flogger unceremoniously onto the floor and steps closer to me. "I've never seen anything as beautiful as you."

I realize the cross I'm on is adjustable as he moves some pieces and I'm perfectly angled to receive his member into my sex. He fills me in one swift movement and begins to slam into me relentlessly. I cry out at his intrusion, but it's not unwelcome. Feeling him inside me is pure bliss. "Anastasia," he calls out, saying my name like a caress. "I love you so much." I can feel myself building; I'm going to come soon. Just as I do, he speeds up even faster somehow and thrusts into me a few more times before finding his own release. He spills into me, continuing to call my name like a litany.

Once we've both climaxed, he pulls out of me and releases me from the cross. I fall into his arms, completely exhausted. "Do you love me Anastasia?" He asks.

"Yes," I answer without hesitation. And I know it to be true. I just let this man tie me up, hit me with a flogger and fuck me harder than I thought possible. It has to be love.

I woke with a start, sweating from the dream I just had. I couldn't believe that I willingly went into the Red Room of Pain with Christian. It was something that never even entered into my radar, let alone actually doing it.

What surprised me the most was that I liked it. At least, my dream-self did. I remember being terrified, but also thrilled. Every lick of the flogger sent sensation straight to my core, and had me near begging for more. Once he started making love to me, or rather fucking, that was not making love, I felt so complete.

Glancing at the clock, I noted that it was about time to shower and head over there. The one thing that I did know was that I did indeed love that man. Every single one of his fifty shades individually and the entire package as a whole. He was mine, and I'd have him forever. And I had better tell him soon before he left me for someone else.

I climbed out of bed, immediately regretting working out as hard as I did the day before. Every single muscle ached so badly. Even my hair and fingernails hurt somehow. The massage function on my showerhead was going to be used for sure.

Once out of the shower, I got dressed, and started Christian's breakfast. I wanted to surprise him with a very special meal that I hoped would convey my feelings before I could say them out loud.

Good morning, Mr. Grey. If it pleases you, I'm ready to come over now.

His reply came a few seconds later.

Absolutely. I await your arrival.

I smiled at his simple reply. I knew he was still very worried that I was going to leave him. He had another thing coming all together.

Excellent. Would you please preheat your oven to 275 degrees?

That seems an odd request, but yes, I'll do that now.

An odd request… the man had no idea.

Thank you, Mr. Grey. I'll be there shortly.

I wondered if he was reading into the language of my text messages, but so far he seemed aloof.

Kate was on her way in the house with Elliot Grey in tow. "Ana! There you are! You've got to tell me everything!" She demanded.

"Sorry Kate," I replied. "I'm not staying. I'm actually on my way out. Hi Elliot," I greeted on my way out the door. I was fast, but no match for Kate on a mission.

"Just hang on a second there, Steele," Kate stated, blocking my path to the car. "How many times have I subjected you to listening about all my tales over the years? You owe me at least one! Come on! Share the wealth!"

"Kate, I love you, but unlike you, I have no desire to discuss my personal life with you. Or 'share the wealth' as you said. You know where I was Friday night. You've got a pretty good assumption of what happened, and you probably also have a pretty good idea of where I'm off to now. See you both at the barbecue." I pivoted around her in a move that she didn't expect and made it to my car before she could catch up.

When I spared a glance back at her, she was frozen in place. Likely in shock. Well, I'd more or less just confirmed her suspicions that I slept with Christian. And she learned I was joining him at the family barbecue. Yeah, she was shell shocked.

Christian PoV

I couldn't believe she was actually coming back. She said she would, and I wanted so much to believe her, but after I so stupidly told her my feelings, I thought I'd never see her again.

I had no clue what was going through my head when I uttered those three little words to her. Well, I knew exactly what was going through my head… those three little words. I had no intention of actually saying them out loud. Not at that moment anyway. Christ, the woman had just barely recovered from her breakdown after Flynn recounted her history.

I hopped in the shower quickly as she was already on her way, and I knew she didn't live far. As soon as I was out and dressed, the elevator dinged her arrival. I realized when I got to the door that I'd sprinted all the way there. "Miss Steele," Taylor greeted, having reached the door first.

"Hi Taylor," she said back, brightly. Okay, so she was in a good mood. That was a good sign, yes? Taylor took her coat and bag, but she was carrying a covered cake pan and a canvas grocery bag and walked with the items into the kitchen. Completely ignoring me.

"Um, hi," I said shyly.

"Oh, hi Christian," she said nonchalantly, as if she wasn't excited by my presence. She placed the cake pan into the oven, still ignoring me and set about setting up our places at the breakfast bar. I didn't know what to make of her behavior, but I didn't like it. It had me worried. Was she going to put me in the friend zone, as Elliot called it?

"Apple or orange?" she asked, holding up bottles of each juice. I gazed at her confused. Ever so slightly, she smirked at me, but then quickly rearranged her expression to the same impassive one. Oh, she was playing a game. Well, I could play too.

"Apple will be fine, Miss Steele." She nodded and poured two large glasses of juice, placing them on the breakfast bar. "And what are we having?" I asked.

"Pancakes," she replied. "I made them already at home, but wanted to heat them up a bit in the oven. Hence why I asked for you to preheat it."

"Fair enough," I answered. "How long until they're ready?"

"Only a few more minutes." I waited those few minutes and she hardly spoke to me, though she did brush her hand against mine when she set the silverware on the table. It sent a jolt of electricity through both of us. I knew it affected her because she froze and blushed for just a moment before resuming her previous behavior.

"Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to rearrange these letters into a phrase," she said, placing a plate of alphabet pancakes in front of me. Her own plate had normal pancakes.

"I've never seen alphabet pancakes," I mused. "You could add these to the kid's breakfast menu at your restaurant."

"Perhaps," she replied. She was impassive again.

I stared at the letters trying to make sense of what this game was that she was playing. There were four Os, an E, a U, an I, a V, an L, a Y, and a T. Evidently I was to rearrange the letters into a phrase.

"Since you'll have to handle them quite a bit, I imagine, there are more regular pancakes still warming in the oven if you don't want to eat those," she says between bites of her meal.

This was a game I had never played before. Even as a child, I learned to read by staring at books, not playing silly games. I had to admit though, the anticipation of whatever this message was intrigued and excited me. And when I realized her impassive façade was only that, a façade, I knew it had to be something good. She wouldn't have gone through all the trouble of making alphabet pancakes to break my heart. Would she?

I picked the letters up off the plate and arranged them alphabetically right on the counter. Careful not to tear any of them, I moved them around trying to create as many words as I could from them.

Violet. Vote. Vile Volt. Yeti, Yet, olive. Oil. Oily. Live. Loot. Lout. Evil. Ivy. Let. Outlive. Tile. Toe. Toil. The list went on of words that I could pick out, but none of them helped me make any specific phrase.

Anastasia sat quietly beside me, not offering up any hints. The emotionless mask was back on her face, and she merely observed me. Patiently waiting for when I figured it out. Why were there so many Os? I wondered.

Finally, after more rearranging than I cared to admit, I figured it out. The message she created with pancake batter had my heart soaring.

"I LOVE YOU TOO."