I probably look like an idiot when I read the reviews because of my constant smile. I just can't help it. Thank you all!
"M-Madison, what are you doing here?" Ashley stutters out and moves away from me.
I am really nervous to see how this will play out. I mean this is almost the same exact situation that Ashley was in with Kendra and we all know how that turned out.
"Cut the chit chat Ash. The real question is what are you doing here making out with little Carlin?" She says snidely.
Ashley looks at me then at Madison, and says nothing. It looks like she's having an internal debate about what she should do. It's either me or her reputation.
"I thought you were past the whole lesbian phase." She adds. And Ashley is still quiet. Why is she always quiet when I want her to talk the most?
Madison just puts her hands on her hips and raises her eyebrows as she waits for an answer. I am waiting for one as well. And still, Ashley says nothing.
Soon, I get tired of waiting. How hard can it be to give a simple answer? Me or her reputation.
With her silence, I don't think I can handle the answer. I don't think I can handle being lied about right now. I don't want to have to go through what Kendra went through. So I decide to leave before I can get hurt.
"I'm gonna go." I say as I get up and start walking away.
By the time I get to the street, I start running again. I'm kinda upset and disappointed because I was half expecting Ashley to call after me and try to stop me, but that didn't happen. She just let me walk away like it was nothing. Like everything that happened between us meant absolutely nothing to her. I guess her reputation meant more, and I wasn't worth it.
I know we weren't dating and we hadn't done more than kiss, but I have strong feelings for her and I was hoping that whatever we had would go into something more. I mean we were talking for weeks, just getting to know each other, so it's not like we just met.
Nothing is ever easy. I hope that Madison has grown up a little within the last year. I don't mind the school knowing that I'm gay, but I want to come out when I'm ready.
When I get home, I notice that both of my parents are as well. I just hope my mom isn't anywhere near the door because I don't want to talk to her right now.
When I walk through the door I quickly realize that luck is not on my side today.
"Oh Spencer, I was wondering where you were. I saw your car out front, but you weren't here." My mom says in a worried tone.
"Yea I just went for a run." I tell her as I try to quickly head to the stairs. Alone time with my mom is never good.
"You've been working out a lot lately. I thought basketball alone would be enough. Is there a particular reason?" She says with a knowing smile. Well what she thinks she knows.
"No mom. I just run when I need to think. It helps." I reply in a monotone voice.
"Are you sure that there is no boy you are trying to impress?" She asks, yet again with that oh so knowing smile.
See, alone time with my mom is never good.
"Nope, no boys." I tell her and lean against the banister.
She sighs heavily. "Spencer I don't see why you don't date, it's not like you are unattractive, and you are smart. I'm sure you have a bunch of guys that would love to go out with you."
"Maybe, but I don't want to date them." Maybe I shouldn't have said that.
"Well why not? Do you want me to set you up with a nice church boy?" She says with a proud smile. Why in the world would I want that?
"No mom, I'm fine. I just want to concentrate on my school work." I tell her hoping that she falls for it. "I want my grades to be as good as possible so I can have options for college." I add just in case what I said before wasn't enough. And I know she will give in now because she's always on my ass about college.
"Oh Spencer, you're home. I feel like I haven't seen you in weeks." My dad says as he walks out of the kitchen with his famous 'Mr. Goodlookin is Cookin" apron on. I laugh every time I see him with that on because Glen and I bought him that as a joke one father's day.
"Hey dad, I just got in from my run." I say pointing to my workout clothes. "And yea I haven't seen you in a while. I feel like you are always working." I tell him sadly. I miss my dad but I understand that he has a job that needs to be done in order to pay for everything that we have.
"I know and I'm sorry hunny work has been a little crazy lately." He says regretfully. "Hey they are starting to play Halloween movies on TV. After dinner we can get some candy and watch them together. What do you think?" He asks.
I really could use a distraction from this whole Ashley situation. And it's not like I have anything better to do tonight besides homework. To give me even more motive, I have really missed spending time with my father.
Around the holiday season we always watch the cheesy holiday movies, just the two of us. It sort of stopped over the past few years as he has been getting more into his job but I hope this year we can start it up again. It might be the last year we will be able to because I will be leaving for college.
"Yea I'm going to go wash up. Call me when dinner is ready." I say as I walk up to the stairs but not missing his warm smile before I leave.
After a nice relaxing shower, I change into comfy sweats and a tank top. I sit on my bed and take out my notebook. Between writing and running are the two ways I can relieve stress as well as just enjoy.
A few minutes into writing my dad calls me downstairs for dinner. When I get there I notice that everyone is already sitting and Glen even came back from Aiden's house.
"So how have you kids been?" Mom asks as we start eating.
"Good, I have my first game this Friday." Glen says with a mouth full of food.
"Oh that's right. Do you think the team is ready?" Dad asks sincerely.
Glen nods and says "Oh yea definitely. The first team we are playing is not that great."
"Should be an easy win, either way I'm sure you will do great." Dad says with a smile. My dad is awesome. I just wish he was around more often. "How about you Spence, are you ready for your first game?"
"I guess, but I don't know if I will actually play." I tell him honestly.
"You are too good to sit on the bench. I'm sure you will play." My mom says optimistically. "And we will be at both of your games to watch you play." She adds with a smile.
These are the moments that I like. Just spending time with my family and not worrying about any drama outside of the house.
"Is it ok if I stay at Aiden's house tonight?" Glen asks. I look at him and give him a smile. I'm really happy for him.
"Yea I don't see why not. I have to go back to the hospital anyway so we aren't doing anything special" Mom responds. After a second or so she continues. "Is your friend Aiden single?" I look at Glen and as soon as our eyes connect we start laughing. "I just think that he's a good guy and he and Spencer would get along great." She says proud that she thought of such a great plan. I'm sure she is already giving herself the Matchmaker of the Year award right now. Glen and I are still trying not to choke on our food because this is just too funny. If only you knew mom, if only you knew.
Glen calms down enough to reply. "No mom he is dating someone actually."
"Well good for him." She says then turns her attention to me. "I'm sure you will find a nice guy soon."
Glen begins to laugh again and I not so subtly kick him under the table.
"I'm sure I will mom." I say and smile at her.
After dinner, I helped dad wash the dishes. When we finished that we gathered our junk food and start watching our movies.
"Spencer how have you been lately?" My dad asks as he turns to me after the second movie has ended.
I shrug. I have been a little stressed. Things in my life have changed and still are changing and I am not quite sure how to deal with everything yet. That is what I want to say but I don't because I know that he will ask questions and I'm not sure if I am ready for that or not.
"I've been ok." I say simply. He looks at me as if he is trying to see if I am telling the truth or not. "What?" I say after a few minutes of him just looking at me.
She shakes his head. "Something about you is different. I'm not quite sure what it is yet, but something is different."
This is my open gate to tell him. He is basically telling me to tell him right now. All I have to do is open my mouth and say 'I like girls' or 'I'm a lesbian.' But of course, none of those come out.
"What if…what if…I don't know…never mind." Is what I finally say.
"You know whatever it is, you can talk to me." He says sincerely.
"I know dad, I just need to think. I promise that I will come to you when I am ready."
"That's all that I ask." He says with a smile. He then stretches and yawns. "I think I'm going to go to bed. All of that work is catching up with me."
"Goodnight dad." I say and hug him.
"Goodnight Spencer." He kisses my forehead then heads to the stairs. Suddenly he turns back around. "And whatever it is I will always love you, no matter what."
"Thanks dad." I give him a smile.
I know I should have said something, but I just couldn't do it. I hate that I have this secret that I am keeping from my parents but this is big and I just need it to come out at the right time.
I spent Sunday doing homework and cleaning my room. I didn't really talk to anyone either, I just needed some alone time. And now I finally go back to school after a very interesting weekend. The feeling is kind of bittersweet because I really just want to go so I can find out if I will be starting on Friday. Then I really want to just stay home because I am afraid to see what is in store for me with the whole Ashley situation. I guess I will just have to wait to see what happens when I get there.
And when I do get there, it is the same as any other school day. A few cars in the parking lot with people scattered around campus.
As usual, I get out of my car and head to the quad. The one thing that is different about today is Ashley and Kendra sitting at my usual table. This should be interesting.
"Hey Kendra how are you?" I ask completely ignoring Ashley. I don't even bother siting down because I have a feeling that I will just be leaving anyway.
Kendra gives me a confused look because obviously she noticed that I didn't say anything to Ashley.
"I'm as good as anyone can be on a Monday morning." She chuckles.
"I understand. I really don't want to be here today. I just want to see if I am starting and leave." I tell her honestly.
"Spencer can we please talk?" Ashley asks.
"Oh she speaks. I thought you forgot how to do that." I say sarcastically.
"Ok I deserved that but I just want to explain." She responds.
"Ok" Is all I say and wait for her to say something. I am being a bitch but she really hurt me.
She looks awkwardly at Kendra and then back to me.
"I have to go talk to my physics teacher about that assignment yea, so I will see you later Spencer." She smiles at me then turns to Ashley. "Thank you for actually apologizing, it meant a lot. Even though I am over everything now, I was still hurt by it. I hope we can at least be civil towards each other now."
"I hope so too. I've missed you." Ashley says smiling at Kendra. I shouldn't get jealous, but I am.
"Ok I'll see you two around." She waves and leaves us alone.
I sit where she was just sitting. I really want to know what Ashley is going to say. I want to know if I should let her go or if I should even hope that we might become something one day.
"I guess I should start by saying sorry for how I acted Saturday." She says looking straight at me.
"I just want to know why you didn't say anything at all."
"I…I just…" She takes a deep breath and looks around for a minute. "I was afraid and shocked. I didn't know what to say without hurting either one of you."
I scoff. "Hurt her? How would you have hurt Madison? She just wants you to be how she wants you to be, so that you make her look good."
"I know but what was I supposed to do. She would go around start telling everyone. I just don't know if I'm ready for that yet."
I shake my head and give her a bitter laugh. "It's good to know that I'm not worth it. Now I know how much your reputation really means to you. I thought you were better than that." She looks down as if she is ashamed. "I guess I don't know you at all."
I get up to leave because this conversation was over before it even started.
"You are worth it." I hear Ashley say before I can get too far. I turn around to hear what else she has to say. "I know that you are worth it. Spencer you have no idea how you make me feel." She walks closer to me and continues to talk. "I just want to be around you all of the time. I love making you laugh and smile because as cliché as it sounds, my day actually gets brighter whenever you do. And you are so sweet. You are still my friend, well were, even after you knew about what happened with Kendra. And you know me Spencer, the real me. It only took you a few weeks to do that and I'm still not sure how you did it, but you did."
I should be overjoyed, ecstatic, jumping for joy, but I'm not.
"If all of that is true, if I am worth it, then why are you still pretending to be straight?" I ask her as I stare into her eyes.
"If I come out, I don't want it to be for nothing. You still have this thing going on with Kendra. Do you know how I would feel if I did all of this for you just to watch you be with her?" She runs her hands through her hair. "You make it seem like I am such a bad person but you aren't perfect Spencer. How do you think you make me and Kendra feel when you play around with our feelings?" Ashley explains and I feel like the worse person ever.
"I like Kendra, yes. But nowhere near as much as I like you. I just don't want you to hurt me like you did to Kendra. If you chose to be with me without lying to everyone then I would be with you in a second. I just don't want to be your little secret." I tell her honestly. "Do you know how much it hurt when you just sat there and said nothing when Madison saw us kissing? I felt like crap and I think I don't ever want to feel like that again. So if you are willing to let everyone know that you want to be with a girl, with me, then you won't have to worry about me playing any sort of game. If you want everyone to think that you are as straight as they already think, then just tell me that and I will leave you alone for good." I tell her almost angrily. I am trying my hardest not to cry, but I don't know how much longer I can hold the tears back.
And as always, when I want Ashley to talk she is quiet. Her phone goes off. She takes it out and reads a text I guess. Then she looks up at something across the quad. I follow her vision and see Madison staring at us. Ashley looks back at me with sad eyes and says "I have to go."
I guess I have my answer. I turn around and leave her standing there. I guess I wasn't really worth it in the end is what I think while the tears start falling from my eyes.
A/N: I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter. What do you think? And I know it doesn't seem like things are looking too good for Spashley right now, but shit happens. But things will get better eventually.