This chapter is dedicated to Lil Jig lol. Thanks for letting me use your name. I hope all of you like this chapter.
Tuesday
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
I'm sitting in the quad listening to a bunch of depressing songs. I know I'm being dramatic because it's not like we were even together and in love, but it still hurts. I had, no, I have strong feelings for Ashley and the fact that she doesn't want anything to do with me is killing me. Well I know she wants to be with me, she just can't right now and it sucks.
I miss talking to LAbabe4u every day after school. I miss just talking to Ashley with ease. Ever since we found out that we were our internet buddies things just went downhill.
Just be true to who you are
I wish Ashley wasn't so afraid to come out, but I understand why. It's hard to tell someone that you are different because once you do everything will change. People will start staring at you, whispering behind your back, making up rumors, and the list goes on and on.
I feel a tap on my shoulder and I see Chelsea smiling at me. I take my headphones out as she takes a seat next to me.
"Hey what's up?" She asks in a concerned voice. I was never good at hiding my feelings.
"Nothing, I'm fine." I tell her and lay my head down on my arm.
"Spencer" She says in that 'tell me now' tone. I don't say anything. "Does this have anything to do with why Ashley wasn't at the get together last night?" And this is why I love Chelsea; she knows what I'm thinking without me even saying anything.
I let out a deep breath and lift my head up. "She told me that we should go our separate ways because she wants to be more than just friends but she can't give that to me right now."
"Maybe this is a good thing." She says and I look her like she's crazy. She is supposed to be on my side.
"How is this a good thing Chels?" I nearly yell.
"Maybe you both need time a part to figure out what you want."
"I know what I want, and that's Ashley." I tell her like it's the most obvious thing in the world, well because it is.
"I know that, Spence. But I meant figure out if you are ready to come out. I mean when Carmen and I go out holding hands or kissing in public, people stare and sometimes they will say something. Are you sure you are ready for that? Is that what you really want?" Chelsea tells me seriously.
I never thought about that. People are so cruel and spiteful. Why do they care if people want to express their love? Just because it's not something they are used to, they want to get angry. Well fuck them and their small minds.
"You're right. I just can't help my feelings for her. She is all that I think about Chels." I say sadly.
"I know but when it does come for you and Ashley to be together then you will appreciate it a lot more." Chelsea smiles at me.
I hope she's right because right now I'm hating all of this that's going on.
"I guess you are right." I smile at her. "Where's Carmen, aren't you two like attached at the hip or something?" I laugh and she slaps me on my arm while she laughs with me.
"We are not attached at the hip." I scoff and she rolls her eyes. "Anyways, she had a doctor's appointment so she will be late."
"I wouldn't even come if that's the case."
"That's what she said, but I'm making her come." She says and shrugs her shoulders.
"Gosh she's so whipped." I laugh.
"Hell yea she's whipped." Chelsea says with a small smile on her face.
A few minutes later the bell for first period rang, and I made my way to class. I was not looking forward to seeing Ashley. I never thought I would think something like that.
When I do walk in the class, Ashley is sitting in the back. She looks up as soon as I walk in even though I didn't even make a sound. I wonder if she has a Spencer sense. Doubt it. As soon as she catches my eyes, she looks away.
I do my best not to look her way as I take my seat on the other side of the classroom.
Throughout the class, I try my hardest not to stare, but it's hard. Ashley looks gorgeous today. Her hair is straightened and her red bangs are flowing in front of her face. She looks simply beautiful. Not looking at her is going to be hard.
I focus all of my attention on the teacher lecturing, but throughout the class I can feel her eyes on me. And I think of the time she didn't talk to me for an entire week. God this is hard.
Finally, the class is over and this time I rush out before everyone else.
I actually pay attention in my other classes, barely. Fourth period was almost exactly like first. I felt Ashley's eyes on me and I avoided it at all costs.
When lunch finally came around, I went straight to my usual table. I am soon joined by Kendra, Carmen, and Chelsea.
Lunch goes on as normal, I eat my food, talk to everyone at the table, and glance at Ashley's table every so often.
I guess this is just how it has to be from now on.
I go through my next classes with ease. When it's time for practice, I rush to the gym and change my clothes. I'm glad I have basketball to take my mind off of everything.
For practice we played against the subs. It was nice being on the same team as Jessica and not having to block her. I am happy being bruise free because this time I don't have Ashley to make it feel better.
After practice, I was feeling a little better. I went home, did homework and relaxed. I was tempted to log on to the chat website just to see if Ashley was on, but if she was what would I do? Nothing. I would be too scared to do anything.
Right before I went to sleep, I wrote a poem. Writing has really been a great outlet for my feelings. It's like I'm getting all of my feelings off of my chest without having to talk to anyone and feeling ashamed about how I am feeling. I don't have to be afraid to be who I am.
Wednesday
It's a new day and I am not going to feel sorry for myself anymore.
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Adele took the words right out of my mouth. I almost feel like wanting to be with Ashley is a lost cause. I turn the song up on the radio and continue driving to school.
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
I mean what if I did what to be with Ashley without anyone knowing, what will happen when someone finds out. Would she just pretend like we were never anything? Like I forced myself on her?
I don't even want to think about this anymore.
When I get to school today, I find Kendra already sitting at my normal table.
"Hey" I say and she jumps. I laugh and she pouts.
"That's not funny. Why are you sneaking up on people like that?"
"I wasn't sneaking up on you. All I did was tap you on your shoulder and you jumped like ten feet in the air. Why are you so paranoid?" I laugh at her again and take a seat next to her.
"Whatever, I'm not paranoid." I roll my eyes at her. "So can I ask you something?" She asks hesitantly.
"Sure go ahead."
"What's going on between you and Ashley?" Of all questions she asks one about Ashley. I was trying not to think of me and Ashley anymore.
"Nothing." I reply almost too quickly.
"Spencer." What is up with people reading me lately?
"What? There is absolutely nothing going on between us!" I almost yell because I am sick of thinking about this fucked up situation that we are in.
"Ok well I was wondering because I remember you telling me that you liked her and I thought that's why you ended everything with me." She says softly.
I sigh. "The reason I ended things with you was because I knew that there wasn't that spark between us. When we kissed, it was just a kiss. It wasn't special, but when I kissed Ashley, everything just felt right kind of like it was meant to happen." I tell her honestly with a smile on my face just thinking about the kiss.
"If you feel that way, then why isn't there something going between you two?" She asks looking at me disbelievingly.
"I don't want to be a secret to her. I don't want the same thing that happened with you to happen with me. And she can't give me that." I tell her while trying to keep my voice as even as possible.
"Is it worth it?" She questions and I give her a confused look forcing her to explain. "You don't want to be with her in secret which I understand completely. But now you aren't even talking to her. I can tell by the way that you talk about her, that you are a few steps away from being head over hills for her. So I ask again, is it worth it to not be with her?" Kendra looks at me dead in my eyes the entire time.
I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. Is it worth it? I obviously want to be with Ashley. She is consuming all of my thoughts. It's like every minute of every day I am thinking of her for some reason.
"You don't have to answer me now but I think you should think about it." She then gets up and starts walking away. I then notice that everyone else is walking in classes. I guess the bell rang.
I grab my bag and make my way to my class. Is it worth it?
Ashley comes in the class a few minutes late. She talks to the teacher and then takes her normal seat…away from me. Is it worth it?
This time I didn't feel her stares. I guess she decided to pay attention today. I don't even know why she was staring in the first place. Whatever, I'm done over thinking all of this.
After this class, I drag myself to second period. I put all my attention into learning about the different functions of the organelles in cells. Fun shit I tell you. I hope you caught the sarcasm in that.
On my way to third period, Ashley almost bumped into me. She wasn't paying attention to where she was going because she was too into the conversation she was having with some girl she was walking with. They were laughing about whatever the hell is so funny and when they turned the corner, she almost ran right into me.
She looked at me and her smile fell. The girl she was with looked between us obviously confused. After a minute, Ashley mumbled an apology and pulled the girl along.
And of course I couldn't focus on anything besides that minor encounter for the entirety of my third class. And then when I got to fourth period she was late yet again. She was probably spending time with her new girlfriend. I know, I am probably over reacting but I have the right to be a little jealous.
This time I stared at her. I was trying to figure her out. Who was that girl that she was with? Did she really move on that fast? Did I even mean anything to her?
I shake my thoughts away. I'm pretty sure that they were just friends…right?
"Ok class you all have a project that is due on Monday. You will be put in pairs." Everyone starts looking around the classroom and nodding at their friends. "I have already chosen the groups so you can save your time trying to find one. And no, I will not change them and you cannot trade, so do not bother asking." With the week I'm having, I probably got paired with Ashley. "As you leave the class I will hand you the paper that has your partner's name and e-mail address along with the project's assignment."
Just fucking great. I spent the rest of the class deciding what would happen if I had to work on this assignment with Ashley. I figured it could go either one of two ways. One instance would be if we just work with each other to finish the project and didn't talk about anything that didn't have to do with project. The other way would be if we tried to work on the project but couldn't work with the tension that's between us and we end up arguing about our fucked up situation.
I think that option number two is how it will be, if we are even paired together.
The bell ringing broke me out of my thoughts. I guess I find out now if my life really sucks or if things will start looking up. When I get to the front of the class, the teacher smiles at me then looks through her stack of papers and pulls one out. After she hands it to me, I leave the classroom before looking at it. I am kind of nervous to see what it says.
I take a deep breath and just turn it over. And of course my life sucks. Out of twenty three other people, I was stuck with Ashley. This is just my fucking luck.
I get to my lunch table and plop down. Everyone else is already there, so when I do this they all look at me with concerned eyes.
Before they could even say or ask anything, I put the paper on the table. Once they each had a chance to read it, no one said anything.
"There's no way to change this?" Carmen finally says. I just shake my head no.
"Maybe it won't be that bad. All you have to do is complete the project then go on acting like she doesn't exist." Kendra says. Chelsea and Carmen nod along with her.
"I hope it will be that easy. But seriously of all the people in the class, I was partnered with Ashley." I pout.
"There's nothing you can do about it now. Just try to get through it quickly and easily." Chelsea replies with a shrug.
I began to eat my lunch and I fall into a conversation with the rest of the table. Halfway through lunch, I lose my appetite though. I wanted to throw up as soon as I saw Ashley and the same girl from earlier, who will now be known as skank, walking towards the cheerleading table. What made me lose my appetite was the fact that they both seemed to be fixing their clothes as they hurried to the table. Anyone want to guess what they were just doing?
"Who's the hottie?" Kendra says and everyone looks at Ashley and skank as they take their seats at the table.
"Skank" I mumble but I doubt anyone heard.
"I don't know but she is cute." Chelsea says and everyone else seems to agree.
"I wonder if she's single." Kendra says still staring at her.
"Nope, she's fucking Ashley." I mumble again.
"What?" Kendra asks looking at me. I did not know anyone could hear me.
"I said how do you know if she even likes girls?" This is far from what I said.
She shrugs. "She might be and that's all that matters."
For the rest of lunch they were talking about if skank was gay or not and I knew the answer to that already.
When we got to Lit, Chelsea was trying to tell me that being paired with Ashley might even be a good thing. I just looked at her giving her the 'who are you kidding' look. She dropped the subject and went back to her reading.
I was once again really excited to get to practice. We were getting closer and closer to game day and I was more than ready. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't nervous.
During practice we mainly ran the track and practiced free throws. It was nothing too hard, but I just wanted to play.
After practice, I decided not to take a shower at school opting to use my nice bathroom at home.
"Would you be mad if I started to hang out with Ashley again?" Kendra blurts out as we start walking towards the parking lot. I stop and turn to look at her. "Not like before because I understand your feelings for her. I mean just hang out as friends." She adds hurriedly.
"You can do whatever you like. I don't know why you are asking me, I don't control what you do." I say and continue walking.
"That's true. But I know what's going on between you two and what kind of friend would I be if I started sleeping with her again? And she hurt me so I can't put myself in that position again." She tells me.
"Thank you for thinking of me, but really it's fine. I don't care." I say and as we are about to separate to go to our cars, I add "Just be careful."
She nods. "I will." She gives me a small smile. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Bye Kendra." I turn and leave to my car.
I walk down the row of cars and as I get to mine, I see Ashley and skank standing next to my car. Why is she here?
"Um hi?" I say when I get there. I had to say something first because they seem to be in this deep conversation.
Ashley turns her head at the sound of my voice. When she sees me her eyes travel from my legs up to my eyes. When she saw me looking at her, she blushed. As cute as it is, I keep my straight face.
"Oh hi." Ashley says.
"Hi, I'm Ivy." Skank says extending her hand. Holy southern accent, I definitely was not expecting that one. It does kind of add to her appeal.
I shake her hand out of politeness. "Spencer." I reply.
"Oh I know who you are." She says with a big smile. And I give her a confused look and turn to Ashley with the same look on my face.
"I guess you are wondering why we are here, right?" I nod and she continues. "Well obviously you know that we have this assignment that we have to do together." I nod again. "I know that you would probably like to start today but I've already made plans with Ivy today. We can get started tomorrow if you like though." Ashley finishes.
I really feel like screaming and throwing a fit because she is pretty much telling me that she's about to go fuck this girl. I decide against that because well I'm not a child and we aren't together.
"Uh ok, why couldn't you just text me that? I mean you didn't have to wait out here for me." I tell her.
"I would have but I forgot my phone at home and I saw you walking out of the gym with Kendra so I decided to wait and talk to you now."
"Oh right. Well thanks for waiting. I guess I'll see you tomorrow then." I walk to my door and unlock my car.
"It was nice meeting you Spencer." Ska- Ivy says with that southern accent again. I look at her, and I mean actually look at her this time. She has long brown hair and dark blue eyes. She could use a tan but that's just my opinion. Other than that I guess I can see what Ashley likes about her, she is really pretty.
"You too." I reply dryly and get into my car.
For the entire ride to my house, I think about Ashley and Ivy. I hate that I do but I can't help it. Does Ashley really care so little about how I feel that she has to throw it in my face? Maybe they are just hanging out and not doing what I think they are.
When I get home, I take a quick shower and decide to stay in my room for the rest of the night after eating dinner. The entire time I kept wondering what was going to happen when I met with Ashley tomorrow.
With everything on my mind, I decide to go to sleep early that night. Right when I turn out the lights and get comfortable in my bed, my phone goes off.
I groan and look at it.
Sorry if you are sleeping I know that it's late, but I was wondering what time you wanted to meet up tomorrow.
Why so you can plan around your fucking time? Ugh I need to stop thinking like this.
How about five?
I wait and she replies a few seconds later.
Sounds good. Do you want to come to my place?
Yea that's fine. Send me the address.
A few seconds later she sends me the address and we say an awkward goodbye.
I finally went to sleep that night after thinking for a while about what will happen tomorrow. I will be alone with Ashley for a few hours at least, and I still have that question on my mind: Is it really worth it?
A/N: Thanks for reading. I was going to make this and the next chapter into one but I decided to split them into two chapters and the next chapter will be up soon. I know not much happened here but there will be more in the next chapter. Please let me know what you think!
Lyrics are from:
Jessie J- Who You Are
Adele- Chasing Pavements