CHAPTA TOW

Author's Note: This chapter is not recommended for anybody with a tendency to have a stroke or a heart attack, or anybody with a severe allergy to retardedness. You have been warned.

To cheer up and recover from the initial shock of not only a) seeing Britney back at Hogwarts, but also b) seeing her cheating on me with a professor, me and Jakub went to Hogsmeade, where we entered Cold Topik, one of our favorite prep stores. There Jakub found a cool Abercrombie & Fitch polo shirt that had a custom hole that stuck into the belly button. "Are you an innie or an outie?" asked the store clerk, who was wearing a pink striped shirt, but Jakub seemed to be lost in his own world, alone with just the polo shirt. "Are you?" snapped the store clerk, louder. Jakub's soul returned back to Cold Topik, and he stuttered, "Uh, I don't actually have one."

"What?! Have you been on drugs? And right after Red Ribbon Week, too!" The store clerk turned his back on us and said, "Get out of my store." "That's not nice!" Jakub and I both started protesting. But he simply refused to acknowledge our presence, so we left. "What were you talking about, Jakub?" I asked him, mildly worried about the state of his mental health. He said, "It's true. You see, belly buttons are essentially depressions in the belly. That's why all goffs have belly buttons. But preps- Preps don't have depression, and therefore none of them have a belly button."

"But I do!" I exclaimed, starting to get angry. "Jakub, you've known me for ten years! Do you take me for a fool?!" "You have a belly button?" he actually looked surprised. He must be a good actor. Most trolls are good actors, after all. I ripped off my shirt, exposing my belly button. He gaped at it. "The Prep God said when he made the world that 'no preps shall hath belly buttons'. You must be a biological anomaly!" And then his eyes crept upwards. "MY GOD," he exclaimed. "You got muscle!" I cautiously stepped backwards, but suddenly he lunged at me.

Jakub grabbed me. He was on top of my chest, and started pushing on my biceps and side abs. "What the prep are you doing?" I shreked. Jakub didn't answer immediately; just kept pressing on my muscles. He released a sigh of content as he stroked my body parts. I tried to shove him off but he persisted. Finally I gave up, defeated, as he gently caressed my abs.

I probably would have been stuck there for eternity - if it had not been for the store clerk from Cold Topik who came to my rescue. He pulled out a musket rifle and fired twice. The two shots swiftly hammered into Jakub's body. The bullets slammed into him at blinding speeds, knocking his lifeless form off of me. He hadn't even been given a warning shot! I couldn't believe my eyes. "Sorry," said the clerk, but he didn't look sorry at all; His face was graced with a grin of self-absorption. "I'm homophobic." He strode over to me, grabbing me by the arm. "Shouldn't you be in class?" he added.

I felt like I couldn't open my mouth to talk, but it wasn't that. My mouth was wide open, and I continued to stare at the corpse that once was my only friend, then at the clerk. Shock waves drifted across my consciousness. They were blinding me. I couldn't see or hear anything but Jakub. In my head he was telling me to punch the clerk, to avenge him. I glared at the clerk, my eyes heated and flaring. My heart burned with an angry, powerful passion. This clerk did have a gun, but I had my great height to my advantage, and I exploited that, grabbing him by the scruff of his shirt.

He yelped, trying to wriggle out of my grasp, but I held on. I hefted him closer to my face, close enough that I could smell his perfumed preppy breath. There were so many words swirling around in my head that I wanted to use, but my mouth wouldn't let me form the words. The clerk kept squirming and begging at this point, but I didn't release him or even respond; I just stared at him with that same burning feeling that I felt was shooting out of my eyes. "I'm sorry! It was- It was- an unlucky shot. You see, I meant to just warn him to get off, and..." Suddenly a gun was cocked and shoved in my face.

I recoiled by reflex and flung him away from me. He hit the ground running, but there was no escape. I was once again graced with the goodness of my height: It gave me the optimal speed I needed to chase and corner him at the alley near the goffik store Hawt Topik without taking much longer than two minutes. I advanced quickly towards him and pinned him to the ground. He didn't struggle much at all. This time I felt the words I needed on my tongue, but I somehow didn't use them. I just cracked my knuckles…

… and forced my thingie into his!