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"Have you seen Carmen yet?" Ashley asks as we walk back to Chelsea's room.
"No but I'm not sure if they will let us see her yet. I was lucky to have Mr. Lewis tell the doctors that I was Chelsea's sister so that they would let me see her." I explain to her.
"How is Chelsea?" I feel my eyes tear up again. I hate thinking about my best friend like this. I feel Ashley put her hand into mine and I smile a little. The little notion made me feel somewhat better.
"She is her usual self mentally. She has a lot of cuts but they aren't that bad. She couldn't move much though and it made me feel worse." I sigh. "You know all of this is my fault. Chelsea tried to blame herself for the accident and for what happened to Carmen, but it's really my fault." I continued to walk until I felt my arm tug. I turned around to see Ashley still standing in her spot. "Why did you stop?"
"How is any of this your fault? You weren't driving either car involved in the accident." She tells me and I can tell that she is slightly angry.
I walk closer to her, there's no reason why the entire hospital have to hear what we are talking about.
"It's my fault because they were coming to see me play last night. They could have just stayed in and none of this would have happened." I said hanging my head.
I feel fingers on my chin as they slowly lift my head up.
"Listen to me ok?" Her voice is so firm that I can't help but do anything other than nod. She wipes a tear that made its way down my face. "This is in no way your fault. This could have happened at any time. It just so happen that they were in an accident while they were going to your game. I'm sure that neither Chelsea nor Carmen blames you for this, so don't blame yourself." She wraps her arms around me and then pulls me in for a hug.
"I would be a mess without you here with me." I tell her honestly and nuzzle my face in her neck.
"I know which is why I'm here babe." I pull back from her and smile.
"Did you just call me babe?" My smile gets bigger when she blushes.
"Yea I was trying it out. Do you not like it?" She's cute when she's nervous.
"I think it's cute." I kiss her softly before I start walking again. "Now let's get going so we can see Chelsea."
When we get to her room, Kendra and Ivy were already there. I wasn't expecting Ivy to be here. She didn't really know Chelsea or Carmen that well so I am surprised to see her. I wonder if Kendra had anything to do with that.
"Hey Ashley, thanks for coming to see me." Chelsea says weakly from her bed. She is probably tired.
"No problem Chelsea. I hope you get better soon." Ashley smiles sweetly at Chelsea before taking a seat on the sofa across the room. I follow and take a seat right next to her. She takes my hand as soon as I sit down.
"Aww y'all are so adorable. Everyone at school is gonna be so jealous." Ivy says with a bright smile, and suddenly the room feels extremely tense. We never got around to talking about what will happen at school. "I mean two of the hottest girls at school and they are dating each other!" She added obviously missing the atmosphere in the room.
I shift uncomfortably and release her hand. I know I shouldn't be mad because I knew that we wouldn't be out before we made it official.
"I'm going to go see if Carmen can have visitors now." I say before getting up and practically running out of the room.
When I get out of the room, I lean up against the wall and close my eyes.
"Hey you ok?" I look up to see Kendra with a concerned look on her face.
I let out a deep breath. "I'm fine thanks." I lie.
"You're such a bad liar, but now is not the time to talk about this. Let's go see how Carmen is doing." She pulls me into her and we walk down to the front desk together. I would stay and talk to Ashley but I am really concerned with how Carmen is doing and I am not really sure what I would say to Ashley.
If I was honest with her, I would tell her how I really felt. I would tell her that I just want her to explain why it's so hard for her to come out. We should not be starting our relationship with secrets. It's always so back and forth with her. I want her because she makes me unbelievably happy but then I feel like there's this whole other part to her that I don't know. I'm pulled out of my thoughts when we get to the desk.
After a heated discussion with one of the receptionists, Kendra did a little flirting so that she could get Carmen's room number. I would not have been able to do that, so I am thankful that she came with me.
I got lost yet again. Either this hospital is extremely confusing or I am just bad at direction. Kendra leads us in the right direction and we make it to Carmen's room. I guess I am just bad at direction.
When we walk in the room, Carmen's mother and two younger boys who I am assuming are Carmen's little brothers are sitting around her bed.
I look at Carmen and all I want to do is wrap her up in a hug. She looks so miserable. Her head is completely bandaged. Her droopy puffy eyes match right along with the bruises spread across her face. I notice one of her brothers writing on her leg cast and I let a small smile escape my lips.
"Oh you must be Carmen's friends. She has been asking about a Chelsea. Is that either of you?" Carmen's mother asks.
"No Chelsea is in another room, ma'am. She was in the accident as well." Kendra responds for both of us.
"Oh how is she doing?"
"She is pretty banged up and needs a lot of rest, but she will be fine in a few weeks." I say. "How is Carmen?"
She sighs. "The doctor said that she hit her head pretty hard but not enough to cause brain damage." She laughs. "I always knew she was hard headed."
We talked and laugh while Carmen slept. We shared stories about Carmen and her mother asked us questions about the future and I realized that I'm not sure what I want in my future. Do I want to try to become some famous athlete? Do I even want to go to college? I laugh to myself; my mother would have a fit if she knew I wasn't going to college. If I do go to college, I'm sure she will want me to go into the medical field but I am not really good when it comes to blood and flesh. I shiver just thinking of it.
"Hey mija, look who came to see you?" Carmen's mom says to her as she opens her eyes. By looking at her eyes you can tell how tired she is.
"Hi" She says and then she starts coughing. Her brother gets her some water and holds it up to her lips. She takes a few sips before talking again. "Thanks for coming." She gives us a weak smile. "How's Chelsea?"
"She looks just as bad as you do, but don't worry I'm sure you will be back at it like rabbits in no time." I say and everyone laughs.
Kendra and I stay in Carmen's room for about an hour before I decide that I should go talk to Ashley.
"Can you do me a favor?" Carmen says as we walk to the door. I nod and she continues. "Can you tell Chelsea that I" She pauses before she can say anything more. I see a blush on her cheeks even with her cuts. I have a feeling I know what she was going to say. "Tell her that I miss her and that I can't wait to see her."
"Gosh I'm so jealous of you two." Kendra says and I laugh.
"I'll make sure she gets the message." I wink at her and open the door to leave.
"Those two are so lucky; they are all in love and shit even after they were in this bad accident." Kendra says once we close the door. "I hope I can get that one day. I mean even you have that with Ashley."
"I'm not sure what it is that I have with Ashley." I sigh and run my hand through my hair. Before she has time to question what I just said, I continue talking. "And besides don't think that I don't see how close you are getting to the cute little southern bell." I hip check her.
"Who Ivy?" She says as she tries to hide a smile. "I have no idea what you are talking about."
"I'm sure you don't. I remember you telling me how hot you think she is; all of that can't go away overnight." Everything that happened yesterday seems like it happened such a long time ago.
"Just because I think she's hot doesn't mean that something is going to automatically happen between us." She shoves me playfully as we round the corner.
"Well I think she likes you." I say when we get to the room. I open the door and Ivy and Ashley are talking on the couch while Chelsea sleeps. Ivy smiles once she sees Kendra. I know I am right about this.
"Spencer I need to talk to you for a minute." Ashley says and meets me at the door. And now I'm worried. I have that feeling from last night all over again. I hope it's not bad. Why does she have to say, I need to talk to you? Those are like code words for 'I'm breaking up with you.' "Are we ok?" She asks once we step outside.
"Yea why wouldn't we be?" I tell her. I can't tell her how I really feel because that will just push her away.
"You seemed angry or upset when Ivy mentioned us being out at school." I look down and away from her. She lifts my face up to look at her. "Look at me." She whispers to me. I look up and see the intense stare that she is giving me. "I want to do nothing more than to show you around and tell everyone that you are mine, but I'm not ready for that yet." She takes a deep breath. "I wish it was easy for me to just let this go, but it's not. It's something I've been dealing with my entire life and it's too hard to drop it and just give it up just like that." It looks like she's about to cry. "I'm sorry. I really am. I wish I could change this now, but I can't. I just can't." And the tears start making their way down her face. I do the only thing I can do and wrap her up in my arms. She needs me, so now is not the time for me to be selfish.
"It's fine, Ash, I get it. Like I said before, whatever you are going through must be really important to you if it makes you want to hide who you are. I might not understand now, but hopefully I will when you finally are able to tell me." I rub her back gently as she cries into my shoulder.
A few hours later, Ashley, Ivy, and Kendra leave, after Ashley and Ivy went to say a brief hello to Carmen. Chelsea complained because she was the only one that didn't get to see Carmen, but since they are both bedridden that's not really an option.
"What's been on your mind Spencer?" Chelsea asks late that night.
"Nothing Chels. Nothing." Normally I would tell her but I don't want to add any more stress on her right now.
"Spencer, I may be handicapped at the moment, but I am not stupid." She whispers but I can tell that she is getting tired.
"I just…" I take a deep breath. "I am not ok with hiding my relationship with Ashley. I kind of feel like I'm not worthy of being with her, like our relationship is not important enough for people to know about." I pause. "I know that something is keeping her from all of this, I just wish she would tell me so that I can at least try to help her."
"Do you trust her?" Chelsea asks.
"Yes of course."
"Do you think that she would do anything to purposely hurt you?"
"No?" I question, not really sure where she is going with this.
"Then stop overthinking and questioning everything. Appreciate the fact that you have a girlfriend who cares about you. Give her some time to get her emotions in check. She will come around when she is ready. In the meantime, just enjoy spending time with her and being happy. Don't ruin this before it truly starts." Chelsea finishes and I sit back and ponder what she has said.
I sit there quietly thinking until I end up dozing off.