Take the Fight out of the Kid
Chapter Twelve
'Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.'- Mother Teresa of Calcutta
I'm still stumbling and cant find purchase for my feet, but I don't care anymore; I'll jump off a bridge if it means I can wake up and see Roxas again. I want to get Sora and get out of the Boggle, even if it's hard and a few people die because they get in my way. My feet are heavy and I cant possibly think of somewhere to go and the scenery is just streaking by me now. Red, blue, green, yellow, and white lights are turning into streaks as I run.
Platforms and stairs seem to support me as I move, nothing falls out from under me and as I run to the end of the second floor and through a wall I fall and just keep running like nothing has happened. I have a feeling that something bad is happening though.
This dream always causes me problems, every time I've been here something bad has happened to Roxas and the dream only ends when he dies. One time it was running away from Xemnas in a forest, the next it was a large sinking ship in the middle of the ocean on our way to Ireland, then it was a building collapse, and the last time I had a dream like this… Roxas had been stuck on a bombing range and there was no escape.
The dream only ends when he dies, and he never knows I'm there. I had to watch him die alone. It's so fucking horrible every time I dream these kinds of things, but all I can hope for right now is that I'll be able to find Roxas again and try and will this dream to finally do my bidding for once.
I jump off the roof of a building and grind my teeth when I just land perfectly on the ground. I was hoping I'd get that falling sensation and wake up, but these stupid dreams never stop when I want them to.
"Roxas! Roxas, where are you?" my feet are stopped now but I still feel like I'm moving, almost like the world my mind has created was just put on pause and my 'body' just hasn't registered yet.
I raise my hands and cup them around my mouth, preparing to yell again when I'm stopped by someone tugging at the hem of my shirt. "Lea… Lea… why did you go?" it's a small voice, very timid and in normal circumstances I'd say that they were nervous about approaching me.
My eyes go wide and I lower my hands. I think my heart is about to explode… or implode, I've heard so many things and I've seen so much in this one dream that… I just don't want to know what else my subconscious has to give me- though it's never good.
I see the hair color first- fire engine red -and I already don't want to keep turning. True, I have seen my mother in dreams like this before, I've even seen my father… but I've never imagined them with such a small voice and I don't want to see who it is.
The face wont change, it's how I've always pictured her. Small, fairly short spiky pigtails, no bangs. Bright shimmering green eyes like my fathers, the smile of an angel like my mother. She's wearing a simple white dress that's going down to the floor and I cant help but think she looks angelic.
"Lea… why did you leave home? Why did you leave me?" No, no she was-is gone, don't answer, don't answer, she's just in your head, that's the only explanation. Her eyes are so wide and I know she wants to know the answer, but this is all in my head, isn't it? Even her using my real name is in my head since it's a secret that I'm sure died with the Reaper.
"Big Brother… can we sit down and talk?" the dreamscape is changing rapidly now, the lights that had frozen are dimming completely and we're coming into focus in my old back yard.
The swing set I used to play on, yelling at my parents to 'watch me' from the porch. The hanging loops I used to 'skin the cat' on; flipping forwards and backwards using the hoops as leverage. The old concrete dog house that was empty all but when I was playing in it. The porch we're standing on is the same, right down to the peeling cover/paint in the corner. The porch swing I remember watching clouds from is beside us, up against the house just far enough away that if you swing it as far as it'll go it wont hit the house.
I don't want to sit down, but Lilly skips over and sits down on the swing with a bright smile on her face and even if I walked for years I wouldn't make it back to Roxas now without my dream changing on its own. My muscles are heavy as I walk over, and as I sit down she pushes and tries to make the swing move, unfortunately I'm too heavy and the swing only moves an inch or two.
"Lea! Swing, please!" I let out a sigh and start rocking the swing a bit. My heart is beating so quickly I can feel my pulse in my toes and finger tips, making my head spin as Lilly starts to giggle beside me.
"So, uh… what do you want to talk about Lilly?"
"You know me! That makes me happy, Lea." I haven't heard the name in so long that it sounds alien- even coming from her- no, my mind.
"How could I not know you… you're my sister, aren't you?" she nods her head and I cant help but smile back, even though it's a little strained.
"Yes I am! But, Lea… I want to talk to you about why you left home, and why you've left me alone for so long." right away the words are stabbing my heart with pain and I want to start running again. But I cant, even if this is just my mind I should give her the answers.
"It's complicated Lilly. I swear I would have come back to the meadow if I could have. But I couldn't."
"Oh… why not? Did something happen?" I nod my head but I don't want to tell her, she must already know because she's in my head… but I guess it's that innocence that I have to save- even if my mind is as tainted as the black sea; the black sea is actually black by the way.
"Uh… yeah, I haven't had the ability to come and see you. I'm really sorry Lilly, I wanted to come back, I promise."
"I know, Lea. I just… I want to know that… that you didn't leave be because I was a nuisance. I guess I want to know if you've thought of me."
"Lilly… I can never forget you, it is impossible for me to forget that night."
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
I had been out practicing my sword fighting because dad had wanted to make sure that I knew how to fight in many ways. Since he was a very important warrior a few years before I was born.
My hands were stuffed in my pockets and my sword on my left hip. The village- or town rather -was crazy with people all running around because of the upcoming holidays, buying things with the little amount of money they all had. But it was all in all a nice day. I went by Axel already but for the simple fact that I thought Lea was more of a girls name at the time- though it is pronounced as Lee.
The town square was crowded with people and a few of them bumped into me, back then I didn't care- hell, I could have cared less if one of them had stepped on my foot! All I wanted was for people to remember me, all I want is for people to remember me. Women were yelling at their husbands to hurry up and they were following with arms filled with baskets and bags. The poor still prayed to whatever god they believed in, the rich prayed that the poor would still spend money to get the useless trinkets that would keep their kids all happy.
Lilly had been born the month before and I was having a hard time thinking of what gift to give her, after all… what do you give a baby girl who doesn't need anything and has three people showering her with their undivided attention and affection?
"Come one, come all! Have I got the thing for you!" like any seven year old kid I was curious, right off the bat. I turned my head to the side and spent a moment looking at a man wearing all green and dressed up like a Leprocon. It pissed me off a bit, but I walked towards the kiosk, trying as hard as I could not to tell the obvious Englishmen that he was being overly rude and racist… but the bright colors were making my eyes shimmer with curiosity.
"What's all this about, London?" I had a few gold coins to spend that day on Lilly, but I had wanted to make sure that I got her the right thing since I still had the first holiday present I'd gotten: the black stuffed cat I still have to this day, hiding in the drawer behind all the pictures.
"Well young man, first off, my name is not London. I'm captain Barbosa!" figured, the costume wasn't clean enough to be a proper man… he was a pirate, like I'd want anything from him for her.
"Well never mind Captain. I don't want to buy anything you stole." I turned away but a hand came down on my shoulder to draw me back- it resulted in a swift kick to the Captains leg, resulting in me realizing that his leg was wooden.
"Aye, walk away from the best gifts you'll ever lay yer eyes on Boy! But don't think fer a moment that you'll find somethin' better then anything that was once on my ship!" his accent was hard to pinpoint and I was detecting a hint of Caribbean, but I couldn't be sure.
"The name is Axel. A-X-E-L, got it memorized? And what baby would want something previously pillaged or plundered? I don't have time for this so thank you, and good day." I took another step away but he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to the cart.
The man smelled of hard liquor and sweat, like he hadn't bathed or showered in a week as he lead me around the back, where a whole new crowd was, rushing out of a toy store.
"Now this right here… is what you need. It is something that was hand carved by the Egyptian kings. Four brothers who loved Ireland so much in their time, that they each carved a piece; the brother who ruled the north, the brother who ruled the south, the east and the west. They each carved a leaf of this solid gold four leaf clover that all clip together.
I watched with wide eyes as he grabbed the four separate leaves and wove the centers together, what looked like real Emeralds were placed delicately in each leaf in separate patterns and it made my skin prickle slightly to look at.
"It looks great sir… too bad it's fake."
His eyes go wide and I give a bit of a smirk as I take the four leaf clover and flip it over to show the slight rise of the almost ancient 'made in China' engraving. "First off… this was made in China, probably a hundred or so years ago. Secondly, around the time of the Egyptian kings… they knew nothing of Ireland. I might be a kid… but I'm not that fucking stupid."
I set the clover back into his palm and started back to my house, trying as hard as I could to not look back and shiver.
"Hey, come here a moment son." I looked up with a bit of a glare and looked over at the man, obviously dressed as an old fashioned pirate- or was that just what pirates wore? I had no idea to be honest, but I wasn't about to let him know that. I pointed to myself to make sure he was talking to me and he nod his head.
With a roll of my eyes I walked over, hands still stuffed in my pockets and my right hand gripping the gold pieces in my pocket. "Hello mate. The name's Captain Jack Sparrow. Now, how'd you like to hear a little proposition I have."
"No, you've already wasted enough of my time. Besides… there are too many captains here today." I turned to brush him off as I kept going. "And besides, the rules of the port are clear enough: associate yourself with pirates, and you basically are one."
He grabbed my shoulders and put his face annoyingly close to mine as he pointed in front of us like whatever he was pointing at was extremely important. "Listen here son, there are only two rules this entire world has: what a man can do and what a man can't do. For instance: you can accept that the world is horrible and there will never once again be a governmental type figure and the lot like me will rule the world, or… you can do yourself a favor and join the winning side of things."
"Pirates are nothing but bad luck."
"Ah! Fortunately I know how to counter it! The man who did the waking buys the man who was sleeping a drink. The man who was sleeping drinks it, while listening to a proposition by the one who did the waking. So you see, I need to bring me ship out of port and into Tortuga and I cant do it all by me onesy, savvy?" I only got half of the statement but still shook his hands off my shoulders.
"Well captain… you've got a problem then, because I don't affiliate with pirates."
"Affiliate… that's a big word for such a young lad. Learned are you?"
"No. I'm just not a simpleton." the simple indication that I was simple pissed me off a bit, but I just started walking again.
"Well that's good, because I cant have a simpleton doing what I ask of you. All I want ye to do, is go about the port, and get a few people to come and be mates on me ship. All I need is one man, and I'll give you; this."
My eyes went wide with what I saw: a small, golden four leaved clover that would have fit in the palm of my hand. It didn't look like anything but a clover, carved out of gold and it instantly caught my eye. "This isn't too special, and old fool melted down ten gold coins and made a block before carving this out of it. 'tis a solid piece of gold and not very expensive… but it's the craftsmanship that ye'll be wanting to have for yourself." as he pointed out the craftsmanship I looked harder at the leaves and noticed they were so detailed that they had the small almost microscopic veins that all shamrock clovers had.
"And… what do you want me to do again?" I looked up at him and he just gave me a wide, crooked-tooth grin.
"Just bring a few men about to me ship o'er there and I'll give ye this for nothing."
"Where'd you pinch it from?" he just gave me another grin and pushed me forward a little.
"You've got an hour. And as for pinching it… I bought it… off a man I killed." his voice lowered substantially when he said that last remark and I know I wasn't supposed to hear that. But dad was a good enough blacksmith to help me make it into a pin for Lilly and I was positive she'd love that.
I rushed through the streets, walking up to the shiftiest men I knew had previous affiliations with pirates and told them Captain Sparrow was looking for a crew headed for Tortuga… needless to say they all jumped right at the chance and asked me where the hell the ship was docked.
"Oi, Cap'in Sparrows docked in the harbor… anyone of ya lot looking fer a good time?" I was leaning against the doorjamb to the fairly empty pub, but everyone turned there heads in my direction and I glared as a man everyone called Gibbs stood up and walked over. He towered over me but I kept my cool thanks to the many times I'd been around the horrid men inside the pub.
"Sparrow you said? Did you say Sparrow you brat?"
"I'm no brat, and aye I did. Don' tell me yer hard o hearin old man." I smirked up at him and jerked my head since with him alone my count was up to fifteen and I'd really only been asked for one. "Wan me at take ye to 'im?"
"No. why the heck would I need a pipsqueak like you to-"
"I'm goin' back anyhow. And I aint no pipsqueak. The names Axel… got it memorized? Use it or shut up." I uncrossed my arms and started walking, no longer caring if the man came or not.
"So, where did ye say he was sailin?"
"Tortuga." it was a miracle how the underground pirate island that had been cut off the map for hundreds of years, had opened again with the lot of pirates like Jack. But I wasn't complaining since I'd get that pin as soon as I got back.
The ship came into view and I ran forward, stopping right in front of the Captain so he'd have only two options: step on me and get a verbal lashing, or acknowledge me.
"Oh! What a bright young lad… sorry son but move along. I don't let kids on my vessel."
"Oi, give me the clover Sparrow."
"Captain… Captain Jack Sparrow." he looked fairly angered but I just held my hand out.
"I brought you far more then you asked me to. Now hand over the clover ya said I could have."
"No… I said ye could have it for Nothing… this is something, so therefore; ye don't get it." the smirk that crossed his face made me want to punch him, and if it wasn't for the fact I was trying to figure out how to pinch it from his pocket I would have.
"You are a dirty, snake-skinned, yellow-bellied-"
"Pirate? Yes, yes I am. The best Pirate that's ever sailed the seven seas!"
"There are more then seven now ya gobber-mouth!" I used my right arm to punch his side so I could swipe the clover from his pocket, but he caught my hand and his sword was at my throat in an instant, three men- including that Gibbs guy -having their swords trained at me as I reached for my own.
"Don't even think about it son… you wouldn't stand a chance against a real pirate. Now go back to yer sandbox and play pirate there."
"I wasn't going to beat you… just surprise you long enough to take your attention away. But I guess it didn't work. I'll go now."
I ended up going home with a pendant necklace for her, all carved of the finest gold I could find, the pendant was a small flame that had a layer of resin around the base so that it looked more like real fire.
Unfortunately I only got to the end of my street when I saw the man running out of my house, blood on his hands and cackling like a crazy man. My mind started spinning out of control right then as I saw neighbors coming out of their houses and rushing over to see what was wrong.
'She's our secret princess Lea… and we cant share her with the world right now.' my dad had said those words for a very important reason: our town had a limit, and that limit was one kid. If she had been the outcome of an affair then we would have been allowed to keep her, but if she was my mothers, one of us would have had to die by the hand of the 'lord' who basically ran the fairly overpopulated town.
I rushed towards my house, praying that I'd get there before the first man burst through the door and would check my house, I wasn't sure if my family was still living inside, but by the looks of the man who ran out, they weren't.
But if anyone learned that my mother had had a second child, I'd be killed as punishment because I'm older and have 'had a chance to live' as they put it. I pushed through the crowd, not yet speaking or shouting at people to move. I shouldered the man at the front door aside and stepped in, closing the door behind me and barring it with a chair that wouldn't last very long.
The sounds of the neighbors and half the town shouting outside my door hit my ears and I started delicately picking my way through the house, blocking the sounds out completely.
"Mum… Dad!" I was praying I'd hear an answer as I looked down at the ground and saw the bloody footprints. The house was deadly silent in itself and I felt like I wanted to scream. It was so quiet.
Footprints were leading both upstairs and downstairs, some bare headed downstairs and others shoes headed upstairs. "Mum! Dad!"
I heard a breathy groan and rushed down the steps and dashed right into the large play room. I looked to the side and saw my mother, laying down in the middle of the toy room, her arms folded across her stomach and blood seeping into the beige carpet under her.
"Mum!" my feet moved before I really knew what I was doing, I could have been running into the person who did that to her, but as I collapsed above her, holding myself up as I kept saying her name.
"Mum! Mum, what happened? Mum?" I watched as she opened her eyes, her bright blue eyes were filled with watery tears and I could see the cuts on her hands and arms too because I'd gotten so close.
"Lea… look-look at you. Your not hurt."
"No, no I'm not Mum… what happened?" my throat was wanting to close as she reached up with one of her hands, I could see the blood even before her palm came into contact with my cheek and my eyes started to water a bit. "Mum, where-where's Dad and Lilly? Are they alright too? What happened? Are you alright, should I get-"
"Lea… listen, I-I don't have much time. I need you to do me a big favor Lea; you have to take Lilly, and you have to promise me that you'll run… I-I don't think your father g-got away… and Lilly's stopped crying. Don't-don't let the town know about her… they'll kill you because of it."
"Mum, I-I don't know what's going on. I'm scared." my heart was thumping in my chest and the tears were starting to run down my cheeks. I felt her reach her hand from my cheek and she brushed a tear off my face, smearing a bit of blood across my cheek bone.
"Lea… d-don't be sc-scared. J-Just hi-hide Lill-y." her breathing was getting choppy and she was fairly close to crying herself. "Promise m-me. Prom-promise you-you'll keep your-self safe."
"I'm scared. I don't want to loose you mummy." god, I hadn't called her that in forever I had stopped that when I was five, but seeing her there… dying. I couldn't do anything about it. What was a seven year old kid supposed to do? I wanted to save her, I would have saved her if I could have. "Mummy… you-you cant leave me alone! Please, please… don' leave me. Who-who'll take care o' me? I need you… I-I need you so much!" the crying was hysteric as I hugged her, feeling her hands running through my hair and scared that it was for the last time.
Even though her breathing was erratic and I could tell she was crying too I didn't let her go, crying myself as I whispered for her to not leave me alone. Describing the emotions is too hard and close to impossible, but if I had to pinpoint it down I'd have to say devastated and shattered.
"Mum… I love you, and I'm sorry." I raised myself up after a few moments of crying when the sound of my neighbors still outside hit my ears, pounding on the door like I'd open it just because they were yelling for it.
Her eyes were closed and there was a smile on her face, despite the fact she'd been crying as well. I leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead before standing up so I could go find Lilly to see if her and Dad were still alive.
My heart was beating too rapidly in my chest to count the beats, or how many steps it took me to walk up all fourteen steps and get into the kitchen.
Horrid, heartbreaking, shattering, frightful.
My father was lying on the kitchen floor, a throwing knife in his back and the corner of Lilly's blanket coming out from under him. I clenched my jaw as I walked into the kitchen further, Dad was completely still and from the angle his arm and legs were placed in that he wasn't sleeping or knocked out. A fairly large puddle of blood was around him on the white tiled floor and I could see that Lilly was under his torso.
My feet moved slowly this time, there was no doubt in my mind that he was dead, and that Lilly was under his torso, crushed to the floor. I knelt down beside him and felt his skin, he wasn't yet cold in the slightest, but I could see that he wasn't breathing.
Tears kept streaming down my face as I rolled him over and took Lilly out of his arms. She wasn't breathing either and I could feel that she was going cold already, the heat seeping from her hands and nose already. My hands shook as I kept her blanket around her, lifting her to my own chest and fixing dads posture so it didn't look so broken.
"I'm sorry dad… but I'll stay safe, I pro-promise." tears were coming down my face again, and I was wanting to stay behind, to have them see me and Lilly so they'd kill me too. So I wouldn't have to be alone in the world, so I wouldn't have to think about them every day, and so I wouldn't have to think of the last few minutes I'd spent inside my house.
With a sniffle and clenched jaw I stood up and carried Lilly to the backdoor. "Axel! Open the door! Mr. O'Riley! Mrs. O'Riley! Open the door!" the sound of my neighbors banging something heavy against the front door. I turned towards the back door and rushed out as the hinges of the front door blew off and I found myself running through the backyard and trying to squeeze between the space of two fences.
"Axel! Where are you going? Come back Axel!" I look back over my shoulder and see my neighbors coming out of my back door and started to chase me.
I ran until my feet couldn't run anymore, I was getting close to my hiding place where I'd just come from, the place I trained with my sword and the place I went to so I could get away from the annoying kids that didn't like me and picked on me.
"I'm sorry Lilly… I've hurt you, haven't I? I've made this horrible mistake and I didn't get there soon enough." my legs were killing me as I sat myself down and cradled Lilly to my chest, rocking back and forth a few minutes, feeling her turn as cold as ice as I pressed kisses to her forehead and wrapped her more comfortably in the blanket, not even realizing that I must have pinched a basket as I ran since the next thing I can remember is carving her name into the tree trunk that I loved so much, she was in the basket under the four feet of dirt I dug out, the golden fire pendant I'd given her was placed around her neck as I cried. Tears spilling out of my eyes and my hands shaking as I curled into a ball there, crying as I looked at the dried blood on my hands, knees and feet.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
"How have you been big brother? I don't know… have you been sad, because I think you have."
I'm brought out of my thoughts and turn so I'm facing her, a sad expression on her face as she reaches over and wipes a tear away from my face. "I've been a little sad at times. But never enough to forget you Lilly." I didn't know I was crying until she wiped my cheek, and I'm cleaning my face of all tears as I swing us on the porch a little more.
"Oh. That's good… but I don't think you're telling me the truth Lea." she stops the swinging and stands up, moving in front of me- though I was never looking at anything other then her. "What's the truth big brother?"
"I'm sad a lot of the time… but no sadder then I deserve to be."
"I don't think so! You don't deserve to be sad! What did you ever do for that big brother?" just hearing her call me that is breaking me down further and I think I'm forgetting that she's part of my own unconscious mind.
"I've done a lot to deserve it Lilly. Some stuff I don't want to tell you even."
"Alright… I'll drop it- oh! Will you come and push me on the swing, please?" she skips to the steps to the top of the deck, pointing downwards towards the swing set with a slight bounce. She doesn't have to ask twice and I move to follow her down.
It's been a few minutes pushing her on her seat and she's humming a little, she doesn't like being pushed high or fast, but she loves the lullaby I remember humming with Mum when they were both still alive.
"Thank you very much by the way Lea… I like having my name on the tree back home." I look up from her bright red hair I've been staring at and realize that we're in my hide out. The tree which I buried Lilly under is a few meters in front of us and I can see the carving as clearly as the night I spent doing it 'Lilly O'Riley. She didn't live long… but she was loved and more precious then the air I breathe.' it had taken me twelve hours to carve that, nonstop. I hadn't been able to put any of the fancy writing into it that I wanted, but the simple block letters were deep enough to not be filled with moss.
"I-I didn't know we were back."
"I have to go Lea… and you have to go back to being Axel. I'm happy that, I could spend this time with my big brother. It… makes me really happy." she looks up at me from the swing I am clutching at before the two chains connecting it to the no longer seeable base, vanished and I am grasping nothing. "I love you Lea… and thank you so much for talking to me. I was scared that you wouldn't want to."
I shake my head and look from the tree down to her, seeing a fairly taller girl, the same red hair in the same high pigtails. She looked about eleven and I realized that it's the age she'd be now if she didn't die.
"I want you to have this… it's meant a lot to me and it's kept me safe like you promised it would… but you need to stay safe now too." Lilly holds up the necklace I'd given her and I'm about to cry as she sets it into my hand, reaching up on her tip toes to kiss my cheek. "I love you so much big brother. Thank you for not giving up on anything- not once."
I return the hug and hold fast, but before my mind can comprehend it, she's sitting in the tree, right in my spot and a bright smile on her face before she raises her arm and waves above her head. "I love you Lea! I hope to see you again in a long time!" the smile she's giving me is blinding and the white meadow we're in slowly fades so I'm just standing in a black abyss once again, Lilly's necklace in my hand and a few tears running down my face.
I have to get back on track and find Roxas, because without him this horrible dream wont end… but the more I think about it, the more I'm wondering if this is a dream at all.
AN:
Me: I'm sorry… that was really mean of me, bringing Lilly into it and making Axel Lea- I hope none of you hate me for that (but in all fairness it was foreshadowed in the beginning of the fic)
Axel: we're still not back to the 'real world' yet, are we?
Roxas: nope… but is the next chapter going to finally have more of me?
Me: the fic is about Axel… not you. I know it's pissing you of Roxas… but I cant change that now, can I?
Roxas: yes you can… but I get it. You've already got four fan fictions about me.
Axel: awe… my Roxie is jealous of all the screen-time I'm getting. How cute! ^_^ isn't he the sweetest Elizabeth?
Me: sure. You guys are my favorite pairing though, so there isn't much to say about that.
Sora: my turn!
Gaara: please review. Elizabeth took my job away for a while, but I'm back now. We'd all love to hear your reviews and find out how you feel about the current twelve posted chapters. It'd make a all of us happy to hear what you have to say.
Sora: you stole my job! : (
Gaara: you stole mine first. I just stole it back. So please review ^_^