"What is the meaning of this?" Cas demanded about the brothers' fight. Somehow his mind was back to normal.
"Sam has been screwing my girlfriend!" Dean hollered.
"She cast some kind of spell on us," Sam cried. "I don't know what she is but we can't kill her. She makes me happier than I've even been before… I would rather die."
"Do you feel The Same Way, Dean?" Cas asked. Dean admitted this was true, utterly ashamed.
"You'll have to kill her Cas. We can't do it."
"She takes all of your pain away," Cas said. "When you release inside of her, you not only release your fluids, you feel like you're releasing all the pain inside of you… All the pain from when you were in Hell, all the pain from your loved ones dying, all the pain from your childhood. You feel guilty releasing all this pain into this woman but she seems to be getting off on it because she keeps coming back for more sex. After she sucks all of this pain out of you, you are left with feelings of peace and rapture like you had never experienced before."
"Oh my God," Dean gasped, "have you been banging her too?"
"No… And I will not kill her either," Cas stated. "She is not a monster, she is pure good and that is why she makes both of you feel this way."
Dean was sarcastic, "Well let's see… Chalice has been screwing my brother on the odd days and me on the even, so I'm thinking my definition of pure good is a little different than yours."
"After she is done sleeping with each of you she goes out to her shed and flogs herself," Cas informed them. Dean and Sam's eyes both got big. Cas continued. "She beats herself so badly that takes all of the skin of her back. Her suffering is unimaginable but all her skin grows back before either of you notice. She has limited psychic abilities and she knows exactly who each of you are. She hates herself for betraying both of you, and she's trying to kill herself as we speak. Of course she will be unsuccessful. She can't help herself, she is as helplessly drawn to both of you as you are to her… you provide her the same levels of ecstasy and joy that she provides to you."
Sam swallowed. "What is she?" He asked.
"Are you familiar with the legend of the holy Grail?" Cas asked.
"It was the cup that Christ used at the Last Supper," Sam answered. "It was romanticized in the King Arthur tales. Galahad found the chalice during the Crusades and when he brought it back to England and brought peace to the land. The Grail has the power to slow death, even reverse death, cure sickness and provide nourishment."
"There are similar tales of the Grail in many other cultures, one of which said the chalice was a woman's womb," Cass explained. "In fact, so many people from other cultures believed in so many variations of the story so adamantly, that all of these various powers converged onto the one object, making it the most powerful object of good in the world. Not only can it heal a dying man, but it can grant immortality, and provide enough power to not only bring peace and prosperity to one land, but to the entire world. A powerful witch transformed the actual chalice into a woman centuries ago and locked her away…only recently she was set free so that she may fulfill her destiny and yours, to save the world one last time."
"So that must be why I'm a genius now," Sam said. Dean rolled his eyes…again. The following conversation between Sam and Cas would be told through Dean's perspective.
Sam said, "I have a hypothesis for a way to inoculate people from the toxic air born pathogen…all I need is blah blah blah… Blah and what we'd need to do is blah blah blah blah blah blah …"
Cas shock his head. "It's a brilliant theory, but it won't work because blah blah blah blah blah blah…"
"But what if we blah blah blah…." Sam suggested.
"You're forgetting blah blah blah blah…" Cas corrected him.
It was about this time that Dean started hitting his head against the wall behind him.
"Are you even listening?" Sam asked.
"No I stopped listening because you're using words with too many syllables in them," Dean sighed. "Look Einstein, Cas said your idea sucks, alright? And Cas, are you going to unchain us any time soon, or do you have some bondage fetish you forgot to tell me about?"
Cas set the brothers free. Dean was rubbing his wrists.
"So if my girlfriend is a magical cup…" Dean began.
"Your girlfriend?" Sam interjected, but Dean ignored him.
"…and I need to drink from her, I've put my mouth all over her and I don't have magical powers yet," Dean observed.
Sam winced, but admitted to doing the same.
Cas explained, "If you remember from the King Arthur stories, Galahad was able to unlock the power of the chalice because he was a virgin. Although neither of you are obviously virgins, your souls have been purified by your stay in Hell and by all of the heroic deeds that you performed throughout your lives. There are no two men in the human race more worthy of her than you are. Chalice loves both of her heroes equally, and it would be necessary for both to drink of her at the same time to fulfill the prophecy. Her cup is her womb, which will collect the nectar from her hero for the creation of life. Unfortunately, because there are two of you, the situation is a little more complicated…"
"Wait, no no no no you are not suggesting what I think you're suggesting," Sam said shaking his head, feeling like he might throw up.
"A ménage à trois." Cas said, that dirty angel.
Dean was horrified. "Ewwww!"
"Yeah! I second that! Ewwwwww! No way in Hell!" Sam agreed adamantly.
"I thought you said only her womb acted as the holy grail?" Dean asked.
"Apparently it's all her nether regions," Cas stated uncomfortably.
"But-but that's so dirty!" Dean whined.
Cas explained, "Do either of you know why Dean became musical and Sam became more intellectual all of the sudden? Because sleeping with Chalice has strengthened your bodies and your minds. Dean, you have always been a left brain person, because you are more emotional and creative. Sam, you have always favored your right brain, which is why you are more logical and scholastically inclined. Each of you represents the opposite side of the mind, which is the symbol of human consciousness, what separates us from animals. One side would be severely handicapped without the other. That is why the two of you make such a good team, and another reason you feel you can't live without the other… look at it this way… If she had only chosen one of you, one of you would become immortal while the other remained mortal. Is that what either of you want?"
"Who says we want to be immortal, or have powers? Maybe I want to die! We've been killing supernatural beings our entire lives, and now…" Dean hissed.
"I'm not suggesting that you become supernatural beings," Cas nodded, understanding Dean's trepidation. "This isn't my will, it's God's."
"What?"
"I found him, he's in an alternate universe."
"God wants us to have a threesome?" Dean was still in shock.
"Sometimes the ultimate act of degradation is what leads to the ultimate purity, such as your stay in Hell…this is the ultimate test."
Dean and Sam stood immobile, looking at Cas. Cas sighed, "Look, do it, don't do it, but you will both go insane if you deny yourselves of her. The world will end tomorrow by the hand of man, so you can either preform the ritual or perish."
"Tomorrow?" Sam stammered.
"If not sooner," Cas said quietly.
"But…when the guys have threesomes in pornos, their balls touch!" Dean shuttered.
"If you don't perform the ritual tonight, your testicles and every other part of your anatomy will be liquefied."
"Do we have time to go home and get cleaned up, maybe puke for a while first?" Dean asked.
"Yes, but the ritual must be performed tonight."