I know, I know, it's been way too long since I last updated, but the truth of the matter is that I have been losing a lot of my drive to write. Depression, work, anxiety and all that lovely jazz have been sucking up a lot of my energy. However, I am working on getting through all that and am going to try to write more updates. It may still take a while for me to get back onto a more regular schedule.

Oh and before I forget, I did wind up having to get a brand new laptop, so I lost a fair share of work that I had either created or edited because the battery on my other one just stopped working. So, for this story, I basically had to rewrite the damned thing. Good thing too since this'll allow me a bit more freedom with where things are going.

o~O~o

I woke up the next day, feeling a lot more relaxed than I originally did. I wasn't sure how that actually came about, but after a point when I went to go back to sleep, I found myself feeling strangely comforted by whatever scent wafted through my room. I didn't know where it came from, but I wasn't able to open my eyes to look. Of course, waking up now I see that my window was open. Okay, I don't remember going to bed with that thing open. Originally it was closed. At least that's what I thought. I could be wrong. However, I didn't worry about it too long, just got up, closed the window and went about getting myself ready for the day.

The whole time I was in the bathroom, the idea of going back with Lil was floating through my mind. It was very tempting. But at the same time, I didn't want to leave. For the longest time, I had been there getting a handle on my nightmares, memories and demons. It was only recently that I was having trouble and all because I had to stay at the damned hospital because of my previous injuries. Damn it.

I stared at the wall, allowing the steaming water to ease my muscles.

I'm going to have to go back there and face those demons... I thought with a moment of clarity. I always tried to avoid hospitals because of my memories. Maybe it's time for me to finally take back control of that fear. Because, yes, that's what it was, a fear. One that I had tried so hard to ignore. Leaning my head against the wall, I wanted to cry at this revelation. I don't want to have to do this alone, but I am going to have to.

The rest of my routine was done on autopilot as I kept on realizing that what I was going to have to do would wind up potentially put me into the crazy home. That was okay. This was something that I needed to do in order to move on. The only reason that I hadn't been put back into one of those places was because I had control, but this time, I was going to have to face my fears. With the possibility of losing whatever control I had.

Going down the stairs, I notice that Bella and Charlie were both sitting at the table, staring at me. I had to quell the urge to snap at them.

"What?" I ask.

"Have you thought about going?" Dad asks, standing up.

Seriously? The idea was just given to me last night. There isn't any way that I am going to make my decision in that small amount of time. Then again, where I needed to go was there, so...of course, I could always face that fear here in Forks.

I shook my head. "Not really," I raise a hand to stop Dad from speaking again. "I'm probably just going to handle it here."

My father and sister blinked. Surely, they weren't thinking of that. It was a little hilarious.

"What do you mean?" Dad asks.

Bella spoke up. "It means she's going to face her nightmares here," she says softly.

Dad's eyes practically pop out of his head. "How are you going to do that?"

I leaned against the counter. "I'm thinking of seeing if I could just stay at the hospital here a few days. Might be able to take better control of them that way." I didn't want to tell them it was because going back to New York probably wasn't the best idea. I knew that Lillian would want me to go, but at the same time she knew that I wouldn't be safe there at all. That's where I had to deal with another nightmare and she wouldn't want me to go through all that just to gain control of the nightmares, the memories again. "If they'll let me. I mean, didn't have any trouble until I had to stay the night there," I continue, looking down at the floor, thinking, before looking up at them. "I think that's the best thing for me to do."

Dad didn't say anything for a few moments. "If they'll let you do that."

"I'll...ask Lil about it."

Bella remained silent, staring at me. I knew she wanted to say something, but she'd wait a few before talking to me about it.

I stretch. "I think I'm going to call her about it."

I go to head back up to my room, I could hear Bella following me. It was fine.

"You sure this is a good idea?" she asks as we get into my room, door closing. "It could do more harm than good, sis."

"No," I admit, rolling my phone in my hands as I sit on my bed. "But it's something that I need to do. It's what I have to do."

Bella looked at me closely. "You're not actually going to go to this hospital for this are you?"

If I had been anyone else I might've dropped my jaw at her deductive skills. But I knew my sister as well as she knew me and it didn't take a genius to see that I had pretty much just lied to my father to keep him from worrying about me too much. There was a hospital that I was going to go to, but it wasn't here in forks. It was located several towns away. And it wasn't like any that normal people would've ever seen. It was abandoned, but still would hold much of the memories I kept within its walls.

Going there, however, was going to be a bit of a task. I had to make sure that Charlie didn't find out about me leaving town, whilst also making sure that no one saw me leave. Yeah, this wasn't going to be an easy feat.

I shake my head. "Why am I not surprised that you figured it out?"

She just gave me a look. "Because I know you."

I nod. "Yes, yes you do."

"Well?"

I sigh. "It's an abandoned one several towns over."

"Is it?"

"Yeah," I heave a heavy sigh. "It's the same one from last time."

Silence.

"Are you sure you have to go there?" she asks softly. "Can't someone go with you?"

I look up at her, I hadn't realized that I had been looking at the ground until then. "Yeah, I have to. In order for me to get through this I need to be able to face those memories or at least some of them at the source," I state carefully, tone even. "And no, you're not coming with me."

She looks shocked. "I wasn't-"

I quirk a brow. "Or, really?"

She looks away with a blush. "Dammit, Sarah," she hissed. "How'd you know?"

I grin. "Because you don't want me to go through it all alone," I chuckle. "I know you well Bells. It's like second nature."

Another silence.

"Promise me you'll be careful," she mutters.

I get up, going over and giving her a tight hug. "I promise."

Whether or not I'll be able to keep it is left up in the air. But for my sister I would try not to be careless or get too hurt on this mission of mine. Hopefully, when I get back I'll be able to put that part of my past behind me and move on without it having a hold on me. At least not a third time. Although, in retrospect, I probably should've done this a lot sooner.

o~O~o

A/N: I don't have an update schedule for this story or any others, but hopefully with some time I'll have one again. Please continue to have patience with me. I also might be able to get another chapter out this week...well, with a little luck. Oh and if I don't manage to update on this site you'll find me Archive of our Own under the same username. So yeah, if the update isn't here, you'll find it there. Just thought I'd throw that out.