Chapter 12: It was Fine

He had wanted to spare her life but he couldn't. Hawke had watched as he had defied her decision, as he had reached his hand inside of her chest and ripped her heart out even though she begged. Hawke just stood there with some look between regret and disappointment as he looked at her. He had run from the raven haired woman that was covered in the blood of slavers she had fought off to get him to Hadriana. He had run from them all, left them in the cave to disappear back into the city.

"I had wished for it to end a better way, but I do not fault him for what he did. I think if I was him I would have done the same thing." She was wiping the blood from her face by using her sleeve. Aveline and Anders hadn't said anything for most of the way home and she felt the need to talk. She had set this up, and it had ended up completely ruined. She had planned to sent Hadriana back to Danarius with fear in her eyes, with the knowledge that Fenris wasn't by himself but it hadn't turned out that way, it had turned out bloody.

"You thought he would see this woman that had tortured him for years and he would let her go? I don't even fault him that, it's the fact he yelled at you when you tried to talk to him." Aveline was angry with her, that wasn't hard to tell. Anders was angry too, but he seemed pleased. Anders urked her in general. Anders was only pleased with her when she was saving a mage's life, or when Fenris wasn't around her. She couldn't please him all the time, so now there was just mostly silence between them. Anders had learned to not offer his opinion up, he had done that once and he had been put into his place. He had told Hawke that Fenris was a wild beast, and what could she see in him? She had slapped him hard, leaving a red mark on his face and she had turned and left. He had audacity to him, but it was not the kind she wanted. She would rather get rabies than be devoured by Vengeance like Anders was.

"No. I can't say that I thought he would let her go… but I felt I could convince him otherwise. You know how persuasive I am." She was trying to make light of the situation, but she felt she could talk him down. He was too engulfed by his rage to see anything else though. "So long as it puts him at peace though.. and who here hasn't yelled at me? If I remember correctly, Aveline you called me some very lewd names that one time I forced you on Donnic."

"He killed a woman, Hawke… and you deserved those names."She bit her lip, keeping her retort back. She wasn't going to say out-loud that Aveline had killed someone to put them at peace, there was no difference between these instances.

"I don't think one of us here hasn't killed to put someone at peace… what would be the difference if we killed someone to ease our own burden?" She shrugged.

"Where do you think he ran off to is what I'm curious about?" Anders seemed much too smug to actually care where Fenris went. "Maybe he's gone for good."

"…and I am sure no tears would be shed on your part, Anders." She had to laugh to keep from crying, the thought that he was alone, or the idea that he had left for good had started to eat at her on the long walk home but she wouldn't let her friends see it.

They had all went their separate ways as they entered the city. Anders had wanted her to come back to his clinic and have dinner with him but she swore she had to go see her mother before her mother sent the guard out searching for her. She could see her rejection hurt, but she had rejected him so many times. What did he see in her that kept him at her doorstep? Was it just the fact she didn't show her affection to anyone else openly? It wasn't in her nature though; she didn't feel it was at least to be so openly affectionate. She had hidden behind this cold, cunning wall for so many years. It was all since her father died and she had to take the burdens of the house upon herself. Her mother had been so engulfed in sorrow that she had all but forgotten about the three of them. She had followed Carver off to fight the darkspawn at Ostagar because she couldn't leave him by himself, she had given Bethany their mother to take care of and perhaps that's why her mother was so angry with her. She had always left the family, but that time it was to protect Carver… that hadn't worked out for long though… She had dragged his unconscious body away from the fighting to safety to only see him dashed against the rocks repeatedly by an Ogre.

She winced at the memory to go to Hightown. She had at least been forthcoming with Anders in the general direction she was going in the least. She had stopped by Fenris' house and found it empty, but she didn't feel he had left town. Perhaps he was wandering the Wounded Coast still, fighting off his rage against spiders. She wondered if any of her decisions had been good ones as she thought of him wandering the coast alone in the dark. Fenris wasn't a child though, he could more than handle himself as all the others could without her. She didn't understand why they followed her, maybe it was because she was just such a great drinking companion.

It was an hour before she had made her way home. She had been wandering the streets of Hightown, slightly searching and slightly doing it to clear her mind. She didn't want to go home and see her mother tonight anyways, she would be searching, prying, wondering what Hawke had been doing all day and she didn't feel like saying she had let one of her companions down, or that she had walked into a slaver's trap. The house was asleep though, not a sound was made except for the cracking protests of the last ember's of the main room's fireplace refusing to disappear. Sometimes felt foreign though as she was entering the main room.

A shadow crossed behind her and she turned quickly but it was gone. She turned back and Fenris was in front of her, his face so close to hers. "I am sorry… I took my anger out on you…undeservedly so. I was not myself."

She backed up trapped as she felt her back press against the wall. "I had no idea where you went… I was concerned."

He closed the distance between them. "I needed to be alone. Hadriana was a torment. She would ridicule me, deny my meals, hound my sleep… because of her status I was powerless to respond and she knew it… the thought of her slipping out of my grasp.. I wanted to let her go but I couldn't."

"What do you mean?" She wanted to reach out and touch him but she wanted him to continue talking more, it was a rare instance that he walked into her house to bare his soul to her.

"This hate…"He grit his teeth, it seemed to pain him to pull his feelings forth to her. "I thought I had gotten away from it but it dogs me wherever I go." His breath was again her neck as he buried his head against the nap of her neck. "To feel it again, to know it was they who put it inside me.. it is too much to bear." He pulled away slightly, the intimacy of his closeness shattered. "I didn't come to burden you further though… I have been thinking of you, in fact I have been able to think of little else from that night. If you want me to go…"

She reached out, kissing him desperately. She didn't need to say such foolish words to him like stay, or don't leave. It wasn't necessary to say such words. She wanted to say something like it wasn't appropriate now, that her mother was asleep upstairs, and that Bodhan and Sandal were in the other room but such things seemed so insignificant. She had wanted this since she had first laid her eyes on him, though his anti-mage rant had turned her off. She had spent so long with him, so many years he was always at her side, always saving her from enemies that had her surrounded. Even now, he smelled like he had just come out of a fight. He smelt like the outside, of sandalwood wood and pine. He smelled of salt and dirt.

He had picked her up like the last time and responded instinctually to wrap her legs around his waist. It felt like their lips never left each other as he carried her up to her room. She wanted to tell him to be quiet but it seemed to stop in her throat as he kissed down it. As he walked her through the door he let her slide off of him. She sighed as she walked to close the door, turning to look at him as he sat on her bed.

He was drinking her in with his eyes as she turned to shut the door, seeing through her clothes trying to guess what she looked like under those layers of that tight black cat suit she called her fighting attire. How many times he had wanted to rip it off of her after she was drenched in the blood of her foes, when she had that mad look in her eyes of bloodlust. She walked towards him slowly, slipping out of her boots to stand over him. He looked into her eyes as she started to take off his vambraces, her fingers lightly tracing the lyrium in his veins. It didn't hurt, it just sent shivers through his spine. He had never allowed anyone so close, but this impossible woman. She tossed them aside to run her hands up his side then to unlatch his chestplate, tossing that into the pile she had formed with his vambraces. She leaned forward, nuzzling his neck as he turned her head to his, closing his eyes as she pushed him back onto the bed. She ran her tongue over his lips lightly to stare down as she pulled away to look down at him, her hair falling into her face messily. She was teasing and she could see the effects as he opened his eyes to stare up at her. He looked at her pleadingly as she ran her hand down his neck to pull away from him. She was driving him insane as she stood up to undo the latches on her clothing slowly as he sat up on his elbows to watch her. She could see him getting hard as she bit her lower lip to slide her shirt off slowly. She turned away to take her pants off slowly as well, bending down to get them completely off her legs.

As she stood up she could feel him behind her, pressing himself to her bare skin as he traced his fingers over the lace of her lower small clothes. His hands grabbed her hips to pull her back against his hardness as he nipped at her earlobe. She arched her back, gasping softly as she looked at him from the corner of her eye. She could feel his hot breath in her ear as he ran his tongue down her earlobe. "I didn't think you were such a minx, Hawke…" He picked her up to toss her on the bed. She landed with a thud to get up on her knees to look at him as he stood at the end of her bed. "Lace? I always saw you as a leather girl…"

She was pouting as he started to take his shirt off. "I mean if you don't like it… I can just take it off." She stared at him as he had just stared at her, taking his body in as he had drank hers in. She had moved forward to wrap her arms around his neck kissing him fully.

"Well now… we don't want to rush it…"He tensed up as she pressed her chest against his to run her fingertips down his back. She was staring at him with a coy smirk on her lips as she ran her fingertips over the hem of his pants.

"Oh no… we'll take everything slow.. We have to savor it." She bit her lower lip as she slid her hand down his pants. He gasped when she took him in her hand to move her hand up and down him slowly. He hadn't expected her to do that. He leaned forward, kissing her hard as she continued to rub his hardness. She didn't stop as she kissed her way down his neck, down his chest… He breathed in sharply, moaning slightly as she stopped touching him to pull his pants down. She gave him one lingering look before smirking to lick him. He tightened to look at her shocked, she laughed for a second before taking him in her mouth to suck at him slowly. He moaned as he felt her mouth on him to grab the bedpost. She was torturing him with her slow pace as she took him all the way. He arched his back, to moan again as she licked his tip to slide back away from him after a few minutes. He was on top of her, pressing his hardness against her thigh as he kissed her desperately. She moved her leg behind his again as he slid his fingers under her small clothes to run his fingers over her. She bit his lower lip when he did that to kiss him hard as he slid his fingers in. He slid his fingers in and out slowly to use his thumb to rub at her clit. She writhed under her slightly, moaning at him as he continued. He smirked, enjoying her movements as she felt her legs wrap around him slightly.

"How does it feel to be tormented, Hawke?" She gasped at him as he left his fingers in to look at her. "Maybe we should stop tonight… I'd hate to keep you up." He was smirked at her, leaving his face mere inches from hers.

"No..please, Fenris…"She arched her back, pressing herself against him more. He could feel how moist and hot she was but he didn't think she would beg. He wanted to hear it though. He wanted to hear her say it.

"Please what, Hawke?" He rubbed her clit again leaving his fingers inside of her. "Please let me go to sleep… or… please turn lock the door when you leave…" She was staring at him biting her lower lip again like she did when she was nervous.

"Please fuck me." She grabbed his hips, digging her nails into his skin. She leaned up to nip his earlobe, leaving her teeth there to slowly enunciate the next few words. "Fuck me hard."

He obliged her, sliding her small clothes off to press himself against her entrance. He stared at her. "Hawke… Ma'arlath." He saw the surprise in her face as he said that. He kissed her as he slid slowly into her. She had moaned his name as he did so, arching her back to press herself more against him, sliding her hips to press against his more as she grabbed at his back. She was so tight and warm and inviting. Even his dreams of her hadn't compared to this.

With every thrust he went deeper and harder until she was screaming his name as he found himself moaning hers. He could feel her tense as she climaxed, and he could feel himself spill his seed as her nails dug into his back. He collapsed slightly, leaning his forehead on her chest. He was panting as she was trying to collect her breath. Her hands slid off of him but her head still raced, her pulse pounded against his skin. He slid out of her to lay at her side while she automatically seemed to roll over to entwine herself around him as his arms laid around her. They didn't need to say anything else to each other, they just fell asleep…