Authors Note: To the anon review, I actually did draw Hawke with these markings. I've done a lot of my Hawke artwork. If any of you want to see my fan-art I will make an album and post a link I guess. (Can I post links in these chapters?)

Love,

Newbie Author

Chapter 27: Between You and Me

He could feel her stir in his arm, and he tightened his grip so she wouldn't fall out of him arms. He didn't look down at her but he could feel her eyes on him. It was odd having Hawke so quiet while she was awake. This seemed like a perfect moment for her to give a witty retort, but the silence was engulfing. The only sound was Anders and Merrill talking about the salve. He wondered if they truly blamed him now for what had happened to Hawke as he blamed himself.

Aveline opened the door for him to her estate and he walked in hesistantly. He could hear Bodhan and Sandal talking, and he could see Orana standing by the fireplace. Orana turned and saw Hawke in his arms and smiled.

"Bodhan! The mistress is back!" He could see Orana's excitement but he could also see the small fear in her eyes at Fenris carrying her. When had Hawke ever been carried back? Fenris remembered her walking back after she had broken two ribs in a brawl over cargo holdings.

She sighed slightly in his arms as she closed her eyes. She didn't want to have to talk right now. Everything ached and stung. She would have asked to be put down, but she didn't think Fenris was going to do that the way he held her. He thought she was some broken thing, but if a Dragon couldn't break her then a human wasn't going to. She could hear Bodhan's mummers of worry, and Aveline explaining the situation to him as she was carried up the stairs. She could make out Orana's small footsteps on the stairs behind Fenris and she opened her eyes to look up at Fenris. He wasn't looking at her, and the way his face seemed so tight she knew he was blaming himself. Did she blame him?

"Tell Orana to go back downstairs." She could feel sleep trying to take her over, but she wasn't going to let it win. She knew she had been blacking out from her lack of sleep and the stress her body had been under but she wasn't going to sleep. She didn't want to lose anything.

"What?" Fenris stopped and looked down at her like he had been shocked by her voice.

"I can undress myself… and I can put myself to bed… Tell Orana to go back downstairs."

"…I don't really believe you can…"

"Then you can help me. I am quite fine."She would've shaken her head but not in the position she was in. Fenris could tell her disapproval. "Orana… Please go back downstairs…I am fine." She raised her voice past her murmuring to tell Orana to go downstairs. If Fenris wouldn't do it then she could have done it awhile ago and saved herself the conversation.

"B-but… Mistress… I was told.."

"Go to bed. It is late." She could hear Orana shift as she gave one of her little bows and went down the stairs to help Bodhan. She wondered if they would all stay here tonight. Her house was big enough though she never went past the main foyer and her room. Truth be told, she didn't feel she belonged.

Fenris scoffed at her as he walked up the rest of the way to her bedroom. He walked into her room to shut the door with one of his legs. He laid her on the bed like a fragile piece of glass, gingerly in the way she had seen him take care of his sword. . She sat up slowly, letting every limb have time to realize what she was doing. She couldn't tell if it was being in her house that made it worse, or if she just had been numb to it before. Maybe she would go into shock finally. She saw him flinch, turning to go towards her and she just smiled at him. She thought he was going to leave, and when he closed the door she was honestly confused. He had never allowed himself to truly be alone with her in such an intimate space since he got back. He seemed to always run from her. He seemed to be cornered now, but he wasn't pacing as he usually did. He was just leaning against her bedpost looking at her after he had composed himself from his first attempt to save her from herself.

"Are you worried if you leave I'll die?" She saw his face move to confusion for an instant as she stood up. She hated this outfit. She had to admit Danarius had gotten her love of black right, but this skirt was far from anything she would wear. It was impractical to fight in, and she was one for show… but it had to be practical.

"No. Just that you'll pass out again." He said it so nonchalant. It bothered her to have this man know her flaws so well.

She shrugged painfully at what he said. It was amusing to see that empty slate of a face looking at her, but she saw creases of concern in his brow as he looked at her. She thought he might cry the way he was staring at her, as his features stayed torn between guilt and anger. Did she really look that bad? "You make a good point, and you've seen it all already."

It hurt him to watch the way the grace had been taken out of her movements. She seemed heavy in her own skin now. She was stepping out of her boots carefully, slowly as if this was something she had never done before. She turned her back to him as she slid out of the skirt then with no problem. It really wasn't that attached to her. The more she thought about it, maybe he had dressed her this way so she couldn't run. She had proven him wrong on that score at least.

The silence seemed deafening as she removed the gauntlet that was meant to conceal her markings from public. It hadn't done even that score once Fenris had cut through it. It was harder to get off from the caked blood and what lyrium had crusted on it. Her wound for the most part seemed healed over by dried blood and lyrium. She inspected it to flex her fingers. She would have winced but she didn't think she could feel anymore.

"I am sorry."She had almost forgotten he was standing there as she inspected her arm in the same fashion he probably was.

"For what?"

"For those… Why didn't he do your whole body though."It sounded strained for him to talk.

She shrugged, she didn't want to explain how she was going to be a glorified sex slave. She lifted her shirt off slowly taking pains to not let it touch her markings anymore than she needed them to. She felt near her breaking point, but she couldn't give in. She heard him clench his fists as he looked on her back. She hadn't seen it truly, she just knew the outline like it was burned into her eyes. She wondered if he was going to leave now that he had seen what was done to her. She wanted him to stay, but would it be alright to say that? She had danced around with him plenty, but it seemed too fresh of a wound to let him back in again.

He hated it, but he had to admire it at the same time. It was so fitting to her, that if it wasn't forced on her he would have thought she had requested it. The birds of the crest that he had carried on that piece of fabric seemed to come to life as she raised her arms above her head to remove her shirt completely. He had known her arm was covered, but he didn't realize it was an outstretched wing of one of the birds on her crest. Danarius had always considered the lyrium markings a piece of art, but he had truly created something catered to Hawke. When she turned to lay down in the bed he saw that the markings moved forward across her ribs, like talons just under her breast. He watched her stretch out like a wounded cat as she lay face down on the bed, turning her head sideways on the pillow to stretch her marked arm above her head.

"You can leave now if you want…" It was the same type of command she said to Bodhan and Orana, a request but in a pleasant manner. He didn't want to leave truly. He wanted to stay with this injured bird and nurse her back to health. He wanted to see her fly again. He moved forward to sit on the edge of her bed.

"Must I?" She shook her head no and closed her eyes.

"I am so tired, Fenris…" She could hear the sound of defeat in her own voice. It was terrifying to face the unknown. What if she closed her eyes and forgot everything? Every time she passed out she felt like a little more was slipping away, she could feel it, she knew she was loosing something but those memories she couldn't remember.

"Then sleep… you don't have to fight sleep." She felt comforted by his voice, and she felt comforted by the fact he was near her, she shook her head again though at what he said.

"Danarius said that I would forget everything when I slept…" His jaw tightened again. He hated that man, even though he was gone he was still tormenting him by hurting this woman. He ran his fingers through his hair, looking down at her as she laid there with her eyes closed.

"You haven't forgotten yet… My memory was gone from the pain almost instantly… I don't think you have to worry. I don't even know how you're doing so fine now…I didn't let people touch me for weeks…" She opened her eyes to look at him, those icy eyes that pierced through him. They were perhaps one of his favorite features about her, but now that tears were welling up in her eyes they were the feature that most hurt him. He didn't care about her markings, they didn't bother him other than the fact he wished he could have protected her from them… He just wished she wouldn't cry.

"It's like I can't feel anymore… I know it hurts but I can't feel it. I'm already forgetting things every time I pass out… I-I don't want to forget, Fenris… I see how much it tortures you and I don't want to be like that… There have been so many things I have gone through, and I don't want to lose them… I don't want to lose the memory of my mother and brother… I wouldn't trade peace of mind to forget how they died…"

He didn't know what to say as he sat there and watched her cry. He sat shocked for a moment over how he had affected her, how much she had paid attention to him. He knew she had always cared but he had never truly realized how much. She had turned her head away, crying into her pillow over all the things she didn't want to forget, and how scared she was. He had never seen her like this. Was this what Anders saw the night that her mother had died? He would have given anything if he could have held her then as he wanted to now.

"Marian…"He said her name before he even thought about it, the name no one called her and that she had said only in passing one night to him. He saw her shift and sit up to look at him as tears rolled down her face.

"What…What did you just call me?"

"Marian.. That is your name.. Marian Hawke. Isn't it?" She could see the confusion on his face, that maybe he had gotten it wrong. She seemed struck at someone calling her that. Only her mother had called her that, she was just Hawke to her brother and sister… and to her father; he called her little Hawke which had aggravated her to no end. Yes she remembered things, so many things she was afraid to lose. She saw the way he was looking at her, afraid he had done something wrong, but he didn't do anything wrong.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. He could tell that it bothered her, that it was painful to touch him with her right arm as she flinched whenever she touched the lyrium to his skin. It felt weird to feel her lyrium against his markings, it felt like it burned. He could see the lyrium reacting to each other as it glowed faintly where their markings touched. He nuzzled his face into her neck, her black hair falling all about his face. He could feel the remnants of her tears running off her face. It was bitter-sweet, to be this intimate with her again. He wished it was over happier times. He wished his apologies weren't revolved around his fear of losing her.

"Marian.. I am so sorry.." His hands were resting on her hips, the only place he could think of touching where there wasn't markings. He remembered how it had tormented him when Hadriana had so much as poked his freshly made markings. "I never wanted it to end up like this… this mess is all my fault… I tried to push myself away because I felt I would hurt you and I ended up doing that anyways.." She felt like clay in his hands, so easily plyable as she rested her weight against his form. "I don't want to run anymore…" He moved his hands from her hips to push himself away from her a little bit, cupping her face in his hands. "…You won't have to fight anymore… If there is a future… I want to walk into it with you…" He felt daring having this goddess before him, the one he thought he had lost. All of the words that he had been so afraid to say were pouring out of his lips. The feelings he had kept pent up as he followed her around from fight to fight since he had been back, the words he had collected on his time away.

"Fenris… Just tell me why… Why did you leave?" Her eyes were imploring him as he held her there. He seemed to have entranced her, the look she always gave him. An intimate looked that implored for more, whether it was physical or just for him to speak more. How could he ever of left such a perfect woman? Why did he ever feel he didn't deserve her when she always looked at him in this way?

"I was afraid, Hawke. I was afraid of what you were offering me. I was afraid of hurting you. I was afraid of being hurt." He pressed his forehead to hers, closing his eyes as if he expected rejection. "Hawke, if you tell me to leave I will…"

"You foolish elf…"He could hear her voice choked by tears, choked by the emotion he hadn't been expected. She moved her face to kiss his lips lightly. "I was always yours… and now… I guess we have matching tattoos…"

He chuckled at her, nuzzling her face slightly before kissing her again. He had missed the way her lips tasted, the way that when he was close to her she smelled like lilacs. She smelled more like blood and lyrium now… but even that was a welcome scent as it was hers. Everything of hers was comforting… especially the fact that he was hers.