A/N: Hi, everyone. Hope you enjoy this chapter. I was going to wait until tomorrow night, but decided to go ahead and publish tonight, despite fighting a migraine due to major work stress. I blame any errors on that, lol. Make my day and drop me a line to let me know what you're thinking. I appreciate your reading this! It makes all my hard work worthwhile.

A SPECIAL shout-out to Westward Glance for being a great friend and Beta for me. If you haven't read his stuff, go do so now!

5.

"I'm taking the Phantom to find him, kriff what command says." Sabine's jaw was set in that way that said the Mandalorian wouldn't take no for an answer.

She was fully equipped in her armor, with her Westars strapped at her side. Determination was burning in her eyes, and Hera knew that there would be no holding her back.

"You're not going alone, kit." Zeb came out of his room with his bo-rifle strapped across his back.

Hera sat at the Dejarik table, watching the both of them and saying little. Ezra had been gone three days—was now a full day and a half overdue. They'd tried to comm him, with no luck. None of them had been able to sleep; Sabine had spent long hours in communications, monitoring Imperial traffic to see if he'd been captured. And Hera was wracked with guilt over pushing Ezra away, unable to sleep or rest herself. She nodded weakly. "Go. I'll back you up if there's trouble with command."

Just then, Chopper squealed and rolled from the cockpit toward Sabine, manipulators waving, saying Ezra was back…Flight control had just gotten his request for clearance to land. The little droid had obviously been monitoring communications as well.

Sabine heaved a sigh of relief into her hands. She scrubbed her face and ran her fingers through her hair. "Thank the Force."

Zeb hugged her as Caleb came out from his room. He was sleepy, still wearing his pajamas and dragging Tooka, his favorite stuffed Loth-cat. Ezra had found the little toy in one of Lothal's markets on a milk run during Hera's pregnancy, and Caleb couldn't sleep unless he was holding it in his arms. It was striped in various shades of brown and had blue eyes, one of which was now chipped, but Caleb couldn't have cared less. He squeezed Tooka in one arm and looked up, rubbing his eyes.

"Mama?" He asked softly.

"Caleb. Come here, sweetheart." She held her arms open.

Caleb came over and climbed into her lap, yawning. "Ezra's home," he murmured as he settled his head against her shoulder.

"You're right. He is." She kissed the top of his head and wrapped her arms around him, not questioning how he knew anymore. Hera sighed. She both wanted Ezra to come back and feared it. What would he say? Had he stayed away an extra day just to prove a point? How was she going to apologize? She'd lost so much, she didn't want to lose him too. She'd have to make him understand that she didn't mean to hurt him, it was just the idea of losing Caleb had made her feel helpless...and she hadn't felt like that since losing Kanan.

"I'm going to go down." Sabine said, pulling on her coat.

"We'll be here waiting." Hera promised.

Sabine left the room, slipping down the ladder and out into the hangar. Making her way through Echo Base, she passed the main briefing room and command center, then slipped past the tauntaun pen and over to Hangar Bay 7.

She saw the ship Ezra had taken-a civilian spaceship, with a tiny cargo bay. Two recruits were unloading the cargo. "Where's Lieutenant Commander Bridger?"

The two shrugged. "Don't know. Sorry, ma'am."

Sabine turned and scanned the people at work in the early morning. Most of them she recognized. She turned back toward the bay and caught sight of Ezra's tall form, standing at the edge of the hangar doors. It was a dark day with black sooty clouds; snow was falling already, in a gentle shower, sweeping through the air like feather fluff. It landed on Ezra's dark hat and swirled past his face.

She approached carefully, afraid he might turn and disappear once more. "Ezra?"

He was as still as a statue; she approached from the side, not wanting to startle him when she took his hand.

"Ezra?" She slipped her hand into his, and he turned slowly to her.

Ezra's eyes were dark in the grey overcast light. "Hey," he sighed tiredly.

Sabine reached out, and then they were in each other's arms. "It's okay." Ezra whispered, not sure if he was telling her or trying to reassure himself.

"You were gone so long. I was worried," Sabine murmured, lifting her head.

"I'm late?" Ezra asked, letting her slip from his arms as she stepped back. When he'd woken up in the ship after his drinking binge, he'd been confused and unsure of where he was. His memories of what he'd thought of as the night before were fuzzy and indistinct, so he'd assumed that he'd drunk himself into another blackout. And it was bad; this time, he'd even had difficulty flying. He'd barely been able to pull himself into the pilot's seat and set the coordinates to get himself back here. During some of the jumps he'd even fallen asleep in the pilot's chair. A fog seemed to hang over his thoughts and he kept losing focus.

It was a strange, disconnected sensation that was not altogether unpleasant, because for the first time since Kanan had died, he felt relief from the constant ache of his Master's absence. He tried to reconcile the two feelings, but he couldn't. "How…how late am I?" As he waited for the answer, his eyes were recaptured by the falling feathers of snow.

It took her a few moments to process his question. He didn't know? How could he not know? "Ezra…you're over a day overdue. What happened? Why didn't you comm us?" She nudged him gently when he didn't respond. "What happened?"

He seemed confused. "I…I'm not sure."

"You didn't have to stay away to prove a point to Hera. Ezra, she's sorry." Sabine was searching his face intently. She'd expected to see pain, fear or sadness…but she saw nothing. It was baffling.

"Um…Sorry? For what?" He blinked at her.

Something was definitely not right, Sabine felt. In fact, she felt such a sense of wrongness vibrating in her bones it made her feel sick. "For the fight, Ezra. She's sorry that you two fought."

"Oh. Oh, yeah." He still looked confused, then his expression flattened back out as his gaze went out to the softly falling snow.

She watched him for long moments, getting the feeling that he'd stand there silently watching the snow until hypothermia set in. There was a pale cast to his skin, as if the cold had seeped into his very pores. "What is it, Cyare?" His blank eyes as he turned to look at her were unnerving.

Ezra took a long time to answer, like a sleepwalker slowly waking. "Nothing. I'm just tired."

She took his hand and pulled him away from the snow and back toward her. "Come on. I'm taking you home."

When Hera heard the tink, tink, tink of footsteps on the ladder, she set down her caf cup, and stood with difficulty.

Sabine came in first, followed by Ezra. He looked more tired than she'd ever seen him. There were dark circles under his eyes that contrasted with his pale skin. Hera felt her stomach ache at the thought that she was the cause.

If there was one thing that Ezra hadn't needed or deserved, it was to hear the words she'd spoken in fear. She knew deep down that Ezra wouldn't knowingly hurt Caleb or allow hurt to come to him. She was also well aware that he'd rather die than see anything happen to Caleb, but she still couldn't seem to put a lid on her rising panic. Her fear was so bad that she had never talked to Caleb about his father's past, other than to say that Kanan would have loved him very much.

"Ezra's home!" Caleb ran from the booth and threw himself at Ezra's legs. The Jedi looked down for a minute, then up at Hera uncertainly, as if asking for permission. She nodded quickly, her brow crinkling with worry. The Jedi knelt and held out both arms.

"Hey there, kid," he said, giving Caleb a hug.

"I missed you." Caleb murmured, clinging on tightly.

"I…missed you too, Spectre Seven." Ezra let him go and reached up to ruffle his hair. "A lot." Then he caught Hera's eyes again. There was a strange, sad look on her features. It took a minute to remember why. Their fight was dim in his mind, like something he'd done while half asleep. It seemed like it had happened years ago.

Zeb stepped forward and Ezra's hands slipped from Caleb's shoulders as he stood to face the big Lasat. Zeb clapped him on the shoulder wordlessly, then reached down to take Caleb's hand.

"Let's go get you dressed. Sabine can help us out, while Ezra and your mom talk a minute."

"Okay." Sabine followed Caleb and Zeb into the little boy's room, glancing over her shoulder and meeting Ezra's eyes before the door closed behind them.

Hera tried to start speaking several times. "Ezra…I don't even know how to begin. I'm sorry. For everything."

He looked away, not meeting her eyes. "It's okay, Hera." His voice was a shade, a ghost of its normal self. She took a step forward.

"No, it's not." She struggled for the right words. "This thing with Caleb terrifies me, Ezra. Please try to understand, I can't lose anyone else. Not him, not you. I…I can't…"

"I know." Ezra murmured.

"Caleb being a Force sensitive, or even a Jedi…scares the absolute kriff out of me, but that's no excuse. I shouldn't have turned on you." Her voice wobbled a little at the end, which made Ezra look up with alarm. "Please f-forgive me. But I can't let him follow Kanan. I just…I can't."

He saw the tears streaking down her cheeks as she looked away, trying furiously not to cry. Her lekku were hanging limply, a clear indicator of her mood. "Hera. It's okay." He said, placing a hand on her shoulder cautiously. "It's okay."

"No, it's not." Hera murmured, looking up at him. She couldn't help realizing how tall and broad-shouldered he was now. When had he grown into a man? How had she not noticed? "I never wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry, Ezra."

"I shouldn't have left...I um…I just needed some time."

She nodded, uncertain if things would ever be the same between them again. Ezra seemed almost emotionless, like a flat stone carving. He'd shifted his eyes to the hem of his jacket where his fingers restlessly plucked at it.

Just then, Sabine came out from Caleb's room. They could hear the soft rumble of Zeb telling Cale a story before the door slid closed behind her.

"Everything okay?" Sabine asked, the tension in her voice apparent.

Ezra nodded. "Yeah. I…I'm not feeling so well," he mumbled, pushing past her and turning to head for his room. "I should go and…lie down…"

"Come with me." Sabine took his hand and guided Ezra into her own room, only turning the lights on halfway as they both entered. He paused in the middle of the room, looking around like he didn't recognize it.

"Cyare. Talk to me," she asked gently.

He tugged off his knit cap. "I don't know what you want me to say." His body was rigid, as if too cold to move. He removed his gloves and she helped him shrug out of his coat.

"Tell me what happened when you left here."

"Nothing…" he insisted softly. "You shouldn't worry…"

She pulled at the long-sleeved fleece shirt he wore, helping him tug it over his head. Underneath he had a black short sleeved shirt on. She remembered heartbreakingly how he used to wear only orange. The wearing of the black had started after Kanan died. It was another karked-up way of mourning, like Ezra keeping his hair short. It had been obvious for a while that Ezra was still struggling with his grief.

"The only thing that worries me is that you won't let me in." She traced her hands from his shoulders, down his arms to his hands. It was then she saw a welt on the inside of his arm from a hypospray. Fearing he'd gotten hurt again, she narrowed her eyes. "What happened?"

He stared at it and brushed it with his fingers. "I have no idea."

"Banthashit," she swore in a whisper. "Ezra…" she said in a warning tone as she looked him over for any obvious injuries.

There was a long pause as she watched Ezra trying to remember-or was he just making up a story? She was scared because she didn't know for certain. He shook his head.

"Ezra—how can you not know what happened—"

Ezra let out a heavy sigh. "Look, because... I...uh...I was drinking."

"And…"

"I hit it too hard. I…uh…I usually do. I…must have blacked out after a while because I don't remember anything…"

His eyes were too dark and all wrong, and she realized for the first time it was his pupils. They were huge. Was he on some sort of illegal substance? "Wait for me."

"Sabine…I…"

"Wait."

She came back in a moment with the medkit. "Sit on the bed." She led him to take a seated position, then she took the portable medscanner and used it on him. "Your heart rate is slower than normal…whatever it was in the hypo must have had some sort of sedative effect." She placed the scanner against the skin of his arm and it took a blood sample.

While it worked, she set the scanner to the side and found a small bacta bandage to cover the welt on his arm. His hands were cold and she held them tightly, neither of them speaking.

The medscanner beeped and she snatched at it with both hands, reading the screen so fast she had to go back and reread it to be sure.

"Glitteryll." She breathed, scanning the effects of the drug and symptoms of overdose. "It…it kriffs with your memory, Ezra. That's why…why you might not remember taking it." She scanned the rest of the list. Sedative effect, just like she thought. Lasts 36 hours or so, then, depending on the purity level, and two to three days after that subjects would have decreased emotional reactions to stimuli. If the drug was 100% pure and taken multiple times, there was a high chance of addiction. "Do you think someone might have dosed you? In the club?"

He shook his head. "I…I don't know."

"Or was it the fight?" she whispered, her voice growing louder. "Did you go out and score this karking poison because of the fight between you and Hera?" She could feel her anger rising with her fear and she tried to control both, dropping her voice low. "How long has this been going on? Tell me the truth, Ezra. Please."

He shook his head. "I was drinking. That's all I know. I…I do it sometimes…when I'm on mission alone. I…I don't remember going anywhere but the bar."

"I'm getting Zeb and Hera." Sabine stood up, but at the note in Ezra's anguished voice, she stopped.

"Bean, don't."

She turned. "Ezra…"

"What if she…decides I can't…be trusted with Caleb?"

She came back at the fear growing in his dark eyes. "Can you?" she asked.

"You know I can," he whispered.

"Kriff, Ezra…what am I supposed to do?" She paced a moment, then sat back on the bed. Then she grabbed him tightly and held him close. Her heart only quit pounding when he finally returned the embrace. "Okay, kriff it. Just rest, Ezra. We can talk later, when you're more yourself."

"Sometimes I feel…like I'm trying to breathe underwater, Sabine. It's…as bad as it was after…Kanan…died," he admitted, his voice just a dry whisper.

She nodded slowly, not knowing what to do. Believe him or not? The fight between Ezra and Hera had obviously taken a toll on him. For about the millionth time, she wished Kanan was there with them. Everything had karking fallen apart with the loss of the Jedi. Before that, they'd faced all kinds of danger, no-win situations, certain death and not been afraid. When they'd needed a miracle, Kanan and Ezra had been there for them. But Kanan hadn't been strong enough to escape his fate, and this deep depression seemed to be eating Ezra from the inside out. The specter of Death seemed to be waiting around every corner to devour them.

It wasn't that they were afraid to die. That had nothing to do with the all-consuming fear that stalked them. It was losing each other. If they could lose Kanan, then they were all at risk. His death had cut deep and another blow like that…would be the end of them; Sabine knew it in her bones.

"I'm so karking tired." Ezra's head bowed and his eyes closed.

"I know." She stood after a moment, then began to strip down to her blacks and he did the same. He pulled his shirt over his head, then ghosted his hands over her sides. They slid all the way down to her hips and rolled off her leggings. She helped him leave the rest of his own clothes in a puddle at the foot of the bunk and they climbed under the heavy blankets, wrapping their limbs around each other. Ezra's skin slowly warmed against her own. They remained silent for a long time, until she felt Ezra's breathing deepen and even out. Her last thought before she fell asleep herself was how damned glad she was that he was back home, in bed with her where he belonged. He wouldn't escape so easily next time.

She awoke before dinner, and was able to climb out from her bunk without disturbing Ezra. He'd fallen asleep against her, but when she opened her eyes, she saw he was turned to the wall. His even breathing testified to the fact that he was still locked safely in sleep.

Sabine drew on her blacks again; along with a pair of thick socks. Leaving the room as quietly as possible, and she crept into the common room.

Zeb was sitting at the table. "Kit." He nodded slowly over his cup of caf. "I just made a pot, if you want," he said.

"Wh..what time is it?" She called, gratefully heading for the caf.

"After 1700. Ezra still asleep?"

She nodded, sliding into the booth across from him. "He's…all wrong." She began, not really knowing what she intended to say.

"What do you mean?" Zeb raised an eyebrow. "Something happened with Ezra and Hera during their talk?"

"No…it's not that. Zeb. If I share something with you, can it just stay between the two of us?" She bit her bottom lip, squeezing her trembling hands into fists on the table. "Because Hera doesn't need this right now."

"Of course," Zeb nodded.

She let out a shaky sigh. "I'm scared to death. Force, Zeb. I don't even know where to start."

Zeb placed a warm paw over one of her hands and steadied her, just like Kanan would have. "Just start at the beginning kit."

"I think he's falling apart. He told me he's drinking after missions, to the point where he blacks out." She glanced up and saw that Zeb was not surprised. "He told me like it was nothing."

"I…I had a feeling." Zeb said. His keen sense of smell had been able to detect the scent of alcohol on the Jedi on several occasions. Zeb hadn't said anything, however. He, Kallus and Rex gathered together frequently to drink some of the homemade jet juice on the base and escape the pressures of war for a few companionable hours. He assumed Ezra was doing the same; hells, he'd invited Ezra on a few occasions to come with him. But as Ezra took more and more missions, he'd had less off time to spend with them. Come to think of it, he spent a lot of missions out there alone. "It might be nothing," he muttered hopefully.

He knew Ezra's effectiveness during missions hadn't suffered; Zeb had heard that just last week, he'd saved two recruits by Force yanking them out of harm's way during an assault on an Imperial warehouse. He'd always been quick in the field, but as an adult, he'd grown into a finely-honed weapon; a brave soldier that Zeb knew Kanan would be extremely proud of. Yeah, he took crazy risks a lot of the time, but he always made out alright.

"Th-there's more." Sabine took a deep breath and said it all at once. "When Ezra got back this morning, he was karked up on Glitteryll. I tested him with the medscanner. His pupils were huge and he…he wasn't acting right."

Zeb let out a low whistle. "Frack." Okay, this was getting serious.

"Yeah." Sabine sighed. Ezra was the strongest person she knew and if this war was finally breaking him, what hope did the rest of them have to get through it?

She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to warm the sudden chill she felt. "Zeb. He claimed he was blacked out, and he doesn't know if he took it himself, or if someone might have dosed him somehow. I don't know if…if I should believe him…"

Zeb took a swig of caf like it was Corellian whiskey. Ezra hid his pain well; they all knew that.

The Lasat found himself thinking about the day Ezra had saved Hera, only a few hours after Kanan had...died. Zeb had watched, heart breaking, as Ezra swallowed his grief and lead the rescue mission. For a moment the Lasat was back there in his mind, and he couldn't help remembering.

Ez had taken point—and with the Jedi out front, none of the Spectres following had felt so much as a blaster bolt. He was a force of nature barreling down each hallway-a finelly-honed weapon that cut down any Imperial in the way. When they entered interrogation, Pryce had been throwing blaster bolts at them from behind the table where Hera was strapped down.

Ezra had deflected each shot until Pryce lay on her back, gasping for air from the smoking hole in her chest. Without a second's delay, he had loosened Hera's restraints with the Force, and gathered her into his arms.

"Where's Kanan?" Hera had asked, again and again, her senses dulled by the interrogation drugs. She'd been barely able to walk without Ezra and Zeb's help.

"Kanan sent me to find you," had been Ezra's only reply as he slipped his arm around her. "Come on, let's get you out of here."

Ezra had waited until reaching camp to break the news to her. He had held Hera while she screamed out her grief against his shoulder. Zeb and Sabine had approached, and wrapped their arms around Ezra and Hera as well, offering their silent support.

It wasn't until later that Zeb had seen the Jedi show his own grief. Later that night, when Hera had fallen into an exhausted slumber, Ezra slipped away to sit alone in meditation. The Jedi had gone far away from camp, sitting in the tall grasses out past the speeders and ships, expecting not to be observed. Zeb had located him with his keen sense of smell.

The Jedi had given up on meditation and was curled into a tight knot, sobbing softly. Without a second thought, Zeb had knelt beside Ezra and pulled him into a hug.

"Let it all out, kit. It's okay." Zeb had mumbled in his gravelly voice. "I got you, now."

After such a blow, they'd thrown themselves into the Rebellion. Zeb still thought it had been too quickly after losing Kanan. Once, when he'd asked Hera about scaling back a bit, she had snatched up a Harris wrench and worked herself into the space between the bulkhead and the engine to get away from him. "Zeb. This is all I have," she had said in a tone that said the subject was closed.

"It's not all you have. You have your family. Me, the kids…the baby." He had lowered his voice for the last part.

She had refused to answer him. Ezra had been the same way, throwing himself into the fight against the Empire as if he was seeking revenge for his loss. Zeb had thought things had gotten better when Caleb had been born, but they hadn't. The fight two days ago was a good example. The wounds they had suffered were deep, Zeb realized, and for the first time, he feared that they might never heal.

"Zeb," Sabine gently prodded again, and Zeb realized he'd been lost in his memories of the past too long.

"Sorry, kit," he apologized.

"Should I believe him? About the glitteryll?" Sabine's eyes were shrouded in worry.

"I guess you have no choice but to believe him." Zeb murmured. "For now."

"He doesn't want Hera to know. He's terrified she wouldn't trust him with Caleb anymore."

"We'll have to keep an eye on him then," Zeb said. "You and me. If…if this isn't a one-time thing, we'll find out and then do whatever we have to do."

She nodded, moving her hands to cup her mug of caf and bring it to her lips. Just then, Caleb came out of his room, bringing her a flimsi with a picture on it.

"Hey, sweetheart." She managed a smile. "Climb up her with me."

He did, snuggling into her. "Look at my picture."

She took it as he handed it to her. It was a peaceful scene of Ezra's comm tower on Lothal. Gently waving grasses surrounded the taller shape, but it was easily discernible as the place Ezra had lived before joining the Ghost crew. The only problem was that Caleb had never been to Lothal and had never seen Ezra's tower before. There was a tall wolfish shape standing in the foreground of the picture, a Loth-wolf with glowing golden eyes. She looked up at Zeb then back at Caleb. It was startlingly realistic, while still the drawing of a child. Even the ridges on the wolf's nose were there, andthe creature had a strange mark on its fur that seemed vaguely familiar.

"How…how did you think to draw this?"

"I dreamed it." Caleb said.

Sabine nodded weakly. It was just another example of the Force in the kid's life. Hera was going to have to face the facts eventually. The kid was like Kanan and as far as they knew, only Ezra and Skywalker knew what he would be going through as he matured. Skywalker had his own problems, though, and he wasn't part of the family. Ever since Caleb had been born the crew was fiercely protective of him; they hardly ever let others get that close, except for Kallus and Rex, of course. So that just left Ezra to be Caleb's guide. "It's a really good picture. This is where Ezra lived a long time ago. On Lothal."

"Oh." Caleb nodded. "Can I show him?"

She nodded. "Sure, but he's sleeping right now, little cub. Why don't you put it on your bed and I'll help you hang it up later?"

"Okay." Caleb took the picture and climbed down. Then he stopped, his face tight with worry. "Is Ezra okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

Kanan's eyebrows knitted together in the little boy's face. "I dunno." He shook his head, shrugged and tottered back to his room.

Before Sabine could say anything, Zeb stood up. "I better get some dinner on. It's my turn tonight."

"I'll help," she answered.