Cuddy's Pain

Lisa Cuddy, Dean of Medicine, couldn't concentrate on her afternoon work load. House's absence, Wilson's paranoia and Hadley's suspicious behavior were wearing her down. But it was mostly House's absence that bothered her. She realized that although she loved her career, coming to work and dealing with House's immature and outlandish behavior provided a strange sense of comic relief to her day.

The anticipation of him walking through her door was part of the daily routine. If he didn't stop in to see her, she knew he was distracted by his case and was thinking. If he needed a different approach or opinion, he'd drop in to harass her. And unless she was under a time constraint, she only pretended to let it bother her.

In reality, it got her blood pumping. Lisa had never gotten over the Michigan crush. She learned to deal with it. As Dean of Medicine she had to maintain a modicum of professionalism. But that didn't keep her from experiencing the burning embers that glowed every time he graced her with his presence.

When House was at Mayfield she felt a dual loss: even if she had the courage to go see him, he wouldn't see her; and her biggest fear was that Greg would somehow be emotionally lobotomized from his commitment; that personality-wise, he'd come back introverted. Without his wit and sarcastic charm, he'd be just another face in the crowd. Ordinary. Unnoticeable.

Lisa closed the file in front of her, sighing heavily. She tried hard not to overanalyze his reasons for needing to be recognized - for good or bad traits. It was difficult not to wonder about his upbringing. People don't act out for attention unless they have a reason. Knowing Greg's father was a strict disciplinarian and his mother was submissive was about all she knew pertaining to his family. He didn't connect with them, as if he found out he was adopted at the pound and they wanted to return him for a different puppy - one that was more to their liking.

Since her own adopted child was becoming an independent little person, Lisa wanted to find out what made House the way he was. She wanted to be a good mother to her daughter, and if she could, avoid some of the mistakes the House's parents had made. Then she'd feel confident that her daughter would grow up to be well-adjusted. But how do you approach a person and ask him such personal questions? If you told him your intentions right off the bat, would that be too bold? Could it hinder learning the truth? Would that person tell you what he thought you wanted to hear?

Gregory House had so many protective barriers in place it made the Great Wall of China appear to be made of Legos. He would deflect then mock, ultimately coming up with a way to emotionally hurt you before you could even touch his psyche. Lisa knew it was an awful way to live. It was his means of survival for so long that his stay in Mayfield achieved only one goal other than detoxification: getting Greg to realize he didn't have to shield with so much armor. He could look before he poured the hot oil over the wall. No one ever got any wiser by shooting first and asking questions later.

It was in that moment she realized the gravity of his being. She needed him. She wanted him. She loved him -romantically, platonically, unconditionally - agape. The scariest circumstance she could face was that he was capable of completely walking out of her life without a word. He had done it before.

The elevator doors opened with Cuddy walking head down right into Wilson

"What's wrong," he grabbed her by the shoulders, forcing her to look up. He had never known her to look so lost.

"Oh," she said absently out of surprise. "I was just coming to talk to you."

James led her back into this office and sat with her on the couch. "Did you hear something about House?"

She shook her head. "I'm worried…not worried about him being MIA, more like…concerned. What if he doesn't come back?"

"This is his life. He just needs to get his head on straight. The Team can function without him for a few weeks."

Lisa shook her head again. "It's not that," she murmured. "I don't think I could live without him in my life…in some way, shape or form."