He tightened his arms around his waist, feeling the wind rush against his face as the car moved by them. Blaine was trying not to make this awkward, trying not to lean in too much, trying to remind himself that this wasn't some chick flick like Grease 2 where he was going to press his cheek against his back and hold on close. Aside from the fact that it wasn't even a motorcycle, Blaine had no desire to imagine the boy he was with as a gorgeous hunk from an awful sequel.
It was funny, but the minute he had seen the Vespa, Blaine had thought of Kurt. Not because Vespa's reminded him of Kurt, because there was no reason for them to do that, but because he couldn't help but picture him rolling his eyes and throwing Blaine an incredulous look that read something like, "A Vespa? Are you serious?" He had tried not to laugh as he had picked him up, instead smiling and taking the helmet from his hand before putting it over his head. He'd told himself not to think about Kurt though. This was a date, and the last thing he was supposed to be doing was thinking about another boy.
But Blaine couldn't help it. The entire time they had rode to the concert, he had been trying to keep his voice out of his head. He'd focused on the city wheezing by him, focused on the fact that at night, Rome became the city he had thought it was when he was a child learning about ancient civilizations. Rome glowed and blossomed from a sprawling city into a twinkling dream, and Blaine tried to keep his mind on the city instead of the boy who lived thousands of miles away and the gripping cold that was threatening to bite him underneath his wool blazer.
The concert had proven to be a better distraction than the ride there, seeing as Blaine had been fighting against picturing Kurt's eye rolls at the entire situation. Dean seemed like the typical teenager, and somehow Blaine pictured Kurt either staring at times the way that Blaine hadn't wanted to as they walked from the parking space to the venue, or rolling his eyes at the way he was flirting with Blaine. But Blaine hadn't flirted back, or at least he hadn't wanted to. He'd complimented his clothing, and Blaine had only been able to blush and say it was nothing. Clothing had made him think of Kurt, who had whispered into his ear that he thought he looked great, that compliment making him feel flustered instantly.
He tried to remind himself that it was the Kurt in his head who had been speaking, shaking his head as he noticed they were a few minutes from his house just then. Blaine took a breath and sighed, which had somehow prompted Dean to turn around and yell over the roar of the never ending traffic.
"Did you have fun?" he said, his accented ringing through his English. Blaine had found one thing cute about him, aside from the fact that he actually was very cute, and that was the way that despite the fact that he too, like Blaine, had moved here after living in America, he had an accent. But Dean had come here at a younger age, Blaine reminded himself, before thinking of Kurt scoffing and mumbling something about being a poseur.
Blaine smiled and nodded, leaning forward to speak against his ear, trying not to think too much about the way he smelled, which was overpowering of expensive cologne. "The concert was a blast!"
And it had been. It hadn't been his taste of music, or at least not his immediate choice for a concert, but he hadn't minded. The band was young, and Blaine felt good about going to support young artists, trying not to picture himself up there on the stage where he would have felt a lot more comfortable than down on the floor with sweaty bodies pressed up against him as he danced with his date. Blaine had tried not to think about the way Dean occasionally brushed his hand against his leg or his arm, instead trying to let the music take him. It was easy, it was extremely easy, and soon even the little voice that he called 'Kurt' in his head disappeared as he became another entity. Not Blaine, but a particle floating in the smoky, heavy air of the club being hit by the music until it pounded into his system. It had been simple to lose himself in the music.
Dean turned back, and Blaine was glad for that. The entire night he had tried not to notice him, although he knew it was rude. He had mostly only said yes to the date out of not wanting to seem like a jerk, because Blaine knew he was unable to say no. But it was a problem, the fact that the entire date Blaine had tried his bad to keep his mind away from what was going on. The guilt of the situation hurt him too much, and although he had tried to tell himself as they walked down the avenue to the Vespa at the end of the concert that the guilt was nothing and that he had created it in his head, Blaine couldn't help but hate the entire situation.
He had said yes because he hadn't wanted to be rude, he had told himself, but there were other reasons that he didn't want to tell himself. Like the fact that he had been avoiding Kurt lately. Like the fact that he had said yes partially to prove to himself that the little 'butterflies' he felt in his stomach whenever he saw Kurt smile through the grainy webcam video were nothing. He wasn't ready to face feelings for someone who was literally impossible to be with. Kurt was his friend; he told himself when he had said yes to the date. Dean was a good looking gay boy who went to his school. Dean lived nearby and drove a Vespa and could come over and visit Blaine whenever he wanted to. The distance wouldn't hurt him. The distance wouldn't hurt either one of them.
But as he tightened his grip as they rounded a corner, the guilt came flooding back. Dean felt warm underneath his touch and he could only close his eyes for a moment as tell himself that he hadn't meant to picture the bits of blonde peeking out from under his helmet as Kurt's chocolate hair instead. Blaine shook his head, because he knew he wanted it to be Kurt. He had known that from the moment Dean had taken his hand for a moment as they walked to the Vespa that he wished the taller boy at his side was Kurt. That he had wished the entire night that the person dancing near him had been Kurt, even if the thought of Kurt in a small electronica club made Blaine begin to laugh. But it had been the reason why he had avoided acknowledging Dean too much, out of fear that he would mistakenly call him the wrong name. Blaine hoped it had come off as nerves.
The whole night he had wanted to go back home, open his laptop and spend the entire night talking to Kurt until he fell asleep. Every day without him had been agony and Blaine was at his breaking point. He needed his best friend, but was afraid that that wasn't the right thing to call Kurt anymore.
This was the right thing to be doing. Blaine couldn't lead Kurt on. Blaine couldn't let himself fall for someone who lived so far away. Blaine couldn't let Kurt fall for him when he knew how he could be and that he had no idea how to treat someone like a boyfriend in person, let alone online. The thought of the word boyfriend made Blaine's face blush furiously, and he was glad Dean was watching the rode. He told himself that he was doing both of them a favor by trying to make space between them, even though Blaine knew the second his house loomed into sight that his heart was pounding because he could speak to Kurt again now.
The Vespa stopped, and Blaine let go of the boy, let go of the body he had been projecting so much onto the entire night. He pulled the helmet off his head and ran his fingers through his only slightly gelled hair due to the night's activities. His head was a mess, and thanks to his slight realization, his face was still flushed. But if Dean had noticed, he said nothing.
"Thanks for coming with me, Blaine," he said, smiling down at him as he stayed on his Vespa, only taking off the helmet to speak.
Blaine stuffed his hands into his pockets as he stood next to the scooter, looking at him and smiling. "I had a lot of fun, so it was no problem," he said, politely, nodding his head happily, hoping that whatever acting skills he had were helping.
Dean smiled back at him, and Blaine tried not to feel a pang of pain in his chest because he wanted to run away from him despite how beautiful that smile was. Dating was torturous, and Blaine gave himself a mental note not to do it again for a while due to various reasons.
"My ex bought me the tickets a few weeks before he broke up with me and I needed to find someone to go with me," Dean explained, his smile becoming slightly guilty as he laughed.
Filled with immediate relief, Blaine laughed back. He laughed at the situation, he laughed at the fact that he had tried to go on a date to avoid the feelings starting to boil at the pit of his stomach for his best friend; he laughed at the fact that he had just spent a whole evening with a perfectly normal guy wishing he was someone else. Suddenly he didn't feel so pathetic at all.
"Your ex was an idiot for breaking up with you," Blaine said, truthfully with a shrug, and it wasn't meant to be a flirty comment, something that apparently Dean understood from the way he simply nodded. Blaine hadn't been ready for a date, and neither had he. Everything made sense.
They smiled at each other, as if to say they were sorry. The guilt that had been eating Blaine alive disappeared a bit, but he still had Kurt to deal with. Still had the fact that he had been purposely going out of his way to avoid him as much as possible simply of the fact that he was petrified of feeling too much for someone he knew he would only end up breaking the heart of. But of course, Blaine knew that there was no way Kurt even felt the same. It was wishful thinking that he needed to get out of his head. It was too impractical and unfair.
Blaine leaned forward and air kissed both of Dean's cheeks, patting his back once before moving back. "Ciao," he whispered, before moving back and turning around, making his way up the steps and into his house after juggling with his keys. After a few seconds, the Vespa zoomed away and Blaine bit his lip before glancing up at his room from downstairs, knowing that what he really wanted was just a few clicks away and yet farther than he wanted to acknowledge.
"No, Rachel, I can't wear that jacket again. Well, I already wore it once in November, that's why," Kurt explained, rolling his eyes as he continued to look through his closet for an outfit to wear tomorrow for the first day back at school.
He didn't want to go back. Kurt wasn't ready for the daily taunts and the jabs and the pushes. He wasn't ready to deal with any of it right now, and to be completely honest it was harder due to the fact that the one person he had come to hold onto when he needed someone was being distant. Kurt told himself there was a reason for it. He told himself that Blaine didn't mean to be spending so much time away from him, and just sighed as his fingers crawled over a dark velvet blazer.
On the other line, Rachel sighed and answered, "Honey, just wear anything. You know you'll look amazing in whatever you wear, so I don't see why you need to keep stressing out about your outfit tomorrow."
Kurt knew she was telling the truth, but shook his head to himself. Picking up a pair of tight blue jeans, he studied them before putting them back. "I just…need something to distract myself with."
There was a silence, and Kurt took back what he had said. He hadn't wanted to admit that out loud, and ever since he had gotten close to Blaine, talking to anyone else about how he felt seemed weird. Aside from his father, who Kurt would always speak to. But it was the truth. Finding ways to keep his mind off the fact that vacation was ending and soon he would return to the prison called high school was harder than he had thought.
"What's wrong, boo?" She asked her voice calming and Kurt sighed at the way he could hear the actual concern in his voice. He didn't want to dump it on her. He didn't want to dump it on anyone.
Sitting down on his bed, but still looking at his closet, Kurt answered softly, "I have no idea what to do. About anything. And I really don't want to think about going back to school. Usually I have Blaine to talk to but…"
"But he's busy, right?" She interrupted, remembering what Kurt had said not to long ago.
Kurt nodded, before remembering she couldn't see him. Rolling his eyes, he continued, "Yeah. He's busy, and I honestly don't have any reason to be annoyed at that because he's just my friend, but I wish he were around. You guys are there for me, of course, but it's just different with him, you know?"
He got up and opened his scarf drawer, until his fingers across the various fabrics. Rachel's voice came out gently, "It's because you like him and don't know what to do because you have no idea how he feels. Trust me, I've been there. I remember when Finn was being distant with me last year… "
Scoffing, Kurt remembered before his fingers touched silk, and instantly her voice was drowned out by the overwhelming memories of opening the present with Blaine on his webcam watching him. He remembered looking up at Blaine and the smile that had been on his lips. Kurt remembered wishing that he could hug him as he stuttered, trying to say thank you and failing because the scarf was simply amazing. Kurt's own lips pulled into a smile as he pulled the white scarf out, running it through his hands and across his cheek, hoping that the distant smell of some sort of perfume was actually Blaine's.
"And then I said to myself, 'Rachel, you need to man up and walk on up to him and tell him how you feel!' Because, well, you know your brother. He's slow. But thankfully, I'm the brain in our relationship, and to tell you the truth, telling Finn how I really felt was the right thing to do, you know."
He realized she was still talking then, and chuckled. "Rachel, you lost me ages ago. I didn't call for the history of your relationship with my brother, okay? I don't care enough," Kurt said, shrugging as he wrapped the scarf around his neck. It was warm and soft.
"Well, if you had been listening, you would have realized the moral of the story was that you should tell Blaine how you feel!"
Kurt's eyes went wide, and he laughed. Really laughed. That was the stupidest thing he had ever heard. Telling Blaine ruined everything, and he wasn't going to do that. Shaking his head, Kurt picked up a dark blue jacket and said, "Okay, I'm hanging up now. You're not helping and I really do need to concentrate on this outfit."
She protested, but Kurt chimed out a goodbye before hanging up and throwing his phone across the bed. Looking at himself in the mirror, he let his fingers once again glide over the silk before he took a deep, long breath, exhaling just as deeply. Blaine had thought of him when he bought this. Blaine was his best friend who had bought him a beautiful scarf. Blaine was the guy he was in love with, who flirted with him, who complimented him, but who had gone out on a date. Biting his lip, Kurt began to see the appeal of Rachel's advice, if only to release his own mind from the confusion that was Blaine Anderson.
His hair looked nice today. It always looked nice, but Blaine had taken opportunities to look at him whenever he noticed Kurt not looking at his screen. It was pulled up and back, with a few strands purposely falling over his forehead, framing his face well. He hadn't meant to stare, but it was hard sometimes not to. The same thing had happened before, and Blaine had just told himself it was because he was intrigued by his best friend. But now he knew better and the thought still unsettled him. He was attracted to his best friend, and it wasn't just in the admiring way it had been before.
"Blaine?"
The voice startled him, and Blaine looked up instantly. He laughed, before shaking his head and smiled at Kurt, who was giving him a look like he was crazy. "Sorry, I was thinking about something."
He watched as Kurt rolled his eyes, and smiled a bit to himself. It was just the same way he had pictured it during his disaster of a date. Suddenly he felt slightly weird for knowing it so well. However, despite the familiar eye roll, Blaine heard a tone Kurt reserved for when he was annoyed, knowing it from all the times he had complained about the bullies at his school, or one of his teachers. "You should probably sleep; you get like that when you're tired."
Blaine chuckled though, despite the slight curl of distaste crowing in his stomach from Kurt's tone. There was something wrong, and he was too scared too ask. He didn't want to make things worse, and knew that if it had been something about school, Kurt would tell him soon enough. It was better to continue to act oblivious.
He raised his eyebrows and smiled, "You know me well"
Kurt nodded, before he lowered his head to look at his planner sitting on his desk. Blaine watched, his stomach settling a bit as he wondered if it had just been his imagination.
"I'm thinking about pretending to be sick and not going to school tomorrow," Kurt confessed, keeping his head down as he spoke, penciling in something into his planner than Blaine obviously couldn't see.
Blaine frowned slightly, before sighing and asking, "Why would you do that? Did something happen? I'll be around so we could talk more if you did that tomorrow, after fencing of course. So that'd be a good thing, but why?"
But by the time Blaine had finished his sentence; Kurt had already raised an eyebrow and mumbled, "Fencing. Of course you can't miss fencing."
Frowning a bit, Blaine cocked his head to the side. "Pardon?"
The look of Kurt's face threw him off. He just shook his head, still clearly annoyed, but sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair. "Nothing, forget I said anything. I'm annoyed from school, okay Blaine? Let it go."
It hurt, but Blaine was past caring about himself right now. Inside of him, the very same switch that always turned itself on whenever he had the feeling something was wrong with Kurt, which Blaine was always shocked that he could feel, turned on. The last thing he wanted to see was Kurt angry, especially after the past couple days that they hadn't spoken.
Blaine's voice was a whisper, hardly audible as he looked down to speak, "Kurt, don't shut me out…"
"Oh!" Kurt interrupted, laughing. Blaine blinked, looking up to find Kurt actually laughing, but instead of the bells he usually heard, the sound was close to maniacal and somehow sounded bitter. "That's funny. Weren't you the one who was slightly ignoring me the other week? I'm not shutting you out, Blaine. I'm irritated."
He cringed instantly, his lips pulling into a line as he bit down on his lip. Blaine had tried to avoid this. Shaking his head, he looked up at Kurt, meeting those blue eyes, before starting, "It wasn't like that…"
Once again he was interrupted, this time by a scoff. If Blaine had been there, he would have walked away. The last thing he wanted to hear from Kurt was that. It reminded him too much of his father. He prepared himself for the lashing.
"Blaine," Kurt said, his voice harsh and yet eerily calm. "I had a bad day. And I wanted to come home and relax and talk to you. I was really happy to see that you weren't busy. You were doing a really good job of not bringing up your little date, but you just successfully ruined it, and my mood."
"I ruined your mood?" Blaine asked, thrown back. He shook his head and sighed, "Kurt, I didn't even bring up my stupid date."
"You brought up fencing! The boy was from fencing. I remember everything you say, Blaine, I think I remember that. I know you have fencing on Tuesdays, okay? I know your schedule!"
Even though the words had to travel through headphones to hit Blaine's hear, they stung. They hurt the same way his father's words did, biting into his skin and tearing it as they traveled down from his ear and into his heart. He felt his chest tighten, and suddenly it felt like he had a cage around his hear, and Kurt was tightening it. But the worst part was that Blaine knew he deserved it, at least for some reason.
Looking down, Blaine frowned to himself, his brow furrowing before he nearly hissed out, "Why are you so angry?"
It took a few moments for Kurt to answer, and Blaine was happy for the time. He breathed in, trying to calm himself, watching as Kurt apparently did the same. Blaine just wanted to know what he was thinking. Blaine just needed to know what was wrong so that he could fix it. He couldn't have someone who he cared so much about hate him. He couldn't screw this up.
Kurt bit down on his lip, and Blaine tried not to stare, tried to remember that right now he was actually quite scared of hid. And when he looked up at Blaine, their eyes met and Blaine felt a current run through his entire body.
"I just—Blaine. Blaine. Have I made this up in my head? I thought maybe we were something, like those people we follow who call themselves boyfriends. I thought maybe the flirting and the presents and the late conversations meant we were something. I thought you liked me, but then you went out with this guy you hardly even know. I just need to know if I was making it up before I go insane worrying that you're avoiding me because you hate me or something."
The clock on Blaine's bedside table ticked. Outside he could hear the cars and motorcycles go by. His dad's snoring was faint, but in the silence of the night, Blaine could hear it all. His world had suddenly gone quiet, and Blaine waited for more. But he knew Kurt was done, he knew it was his turn to answer, and in all honesty, Blaine didn't have the answer. His heart was pounding, blood rushing into his ears as he looked away, unable to meet Kurt's eyes. What would he see there, in those blue eyes; anger, sadness, annoyance, desperation? He didn't want to look up and meet a look he had never seen in his eyes before. Blaine was lost, and he gave the world a few minutes to settle down before realizing that it was waiting for his answer. He was waiting for his own answer.
"Kurt," he said, softly, his voice cracking. Blaine coughed, clearing his throat, before he looked up at him, meeting his eyes finally only to see Kurt looking at him expectantly, waiting as well. "I can't hate you. I never, ever want to hate you. And that wasn't why I've been so busy. I was being stupid, and I'm done with that."
On the other side of the screen, Kurt nodded, but didn't say anything, which Blaine was thankful for. His pulse palpitated across his body, pounding out the seconds it took Blaine to find the words to keep going. Find the courage to keep going.
With a heavy sigh, Blaine continued, trying to keep his voice steady. "I really like you, Kurt. You're my best friend. But—long distance isn't something I can do. I don't want to screw this up, Kurt. And I know that if we tried to do this as more than best friends, I'd end up ruining this. And I don't want you to hate me. I don't want to hurt you. I've never been anyone's boyfriend; I don't know how to be someone's boyfriend. You mean too much to me to lose you, especially since I only just found you."
It was Blaine's turn to wait, and he did. His heart had calmed down, but he expected Kurt to sign off. He expected him to tell him this was over. Blaine expected to be broken up with even though Kurt wasn't even his boyfriend. He could only hope Kurt understood what he meant. Being with Dean and holding on to him, holding his hand, had made him think about how much he wanted Kurt to be able to do that with someone. Blaine didn't want to be the guy to hold him back. Blaine knew that there was to be someone for Kurt back home. He wished it was him, but Blaine knew where he was. He knew that simple things like holding Kurt's hand was something he couldn't do, and he wasn't going to rob Kurt of that chance.
Kurt nodded though, before a heartbreakingly beautiful, but small smile spread across his lips. Blaine watched as his eyes lowered as he spoke, "I get that. I wish I didn't, but I understand. I'm sorry I yelled at you. My day really was just crappy. But thank you, for clearing that up for me." Kurt looked up, and their eyes met. We'll just be like Monica and Chandler then. Best friends. "
His pulse evened out, and his world went back to normal. The tension that had been in the air when Blaine had called Kurt had died, and suddenly the moon shining outside his window seemed brighter. Even if a part of him ached, even if he knew he had hurt Kurt, being honest with him had been the right thing to do. He liked Kurt way too much to continue to lie to him or avoid him. Best friends; he could do best friends.
Blaine chuckled, before he raising his eyebrows, resting his head against his palm as he asked, "Don't they end up together at the end?"
The only reply he got was a smirk paired off with Kurt's signature eye roll, and just as he could feel a silly and enamored smile spread upon his own lips, Blaine knew that everything would be alright with them.