CHAPTER 39 – TO BELIEVE OR NOT TO BELIEVE
He didn't want to tire her out and watched carefully as her face paled as his story wore on. He sat back on the ground beside her wheelchair, hand now resting on her knee, needing to touch her. She seemed to need this too for she placed her own hand hesitantly on top of his and he was able to turn her hand over, trapping her hand beneath his own. Protective. He tipped his head against the side of the wheelchair, suddenly weary himself. It was an exhausting story. She had asked some questions, her voice carefully blank as though she sought to process the details first before coming to any conclusions and remembered that she was a scientist and this was her way.
Clear and clinical? Not his Gina... she was hot blooded, all fire and smoke that smouldered and fizzled and needed only his glance to bring her to a roaring flame. He felt the muscles of her leg beneath his hand and it was a familiar feel and thought that if he lifted his hand just a little higher, he would feel her heat, that familiar heat and he needed her so damn bad.
As though she followed his thoughts he felt her still suddenly, then shyly her fingers moved through his hair that rested beside her chair. And her touch felt nice, familiar and damn it, he needed her so desperately that he had to bite his teeth together to stop himself from screaming.
"John?" He moved his head slightly, not wanting her to remove the hand that massaged lightly there, but needing to see her face.
"Thank you." Those beautiful blue eyes looked down at him and there was a smile in them that chased away the clouds that had been flitting across their blue depths.
"For putting you through hell these past two weeks?" John's hand had begun to gently caress her thigh, not sexual, but possessive.
"For your patience. I know it must be difficult, frustrating – to sit there and have to explain something over and over. I wish I could remember, if nothing more than to bring a smile to your face. I know we are close..." at this she blushed slightly, her gaze dropping to his hand that rested there, enjoying the sensation and understanding that the sensation was a familiar one – she could no longer doubt that. She wanted his touch now as much as he needed to give it. "Your touch is familiar, as is your face, but there's a big blank hole and until I fill that in, then the us you talk about doesn't seem real to me. Give me time..."
"I will sweetheart. It's my fault you're here, in this position, with this memory loss. I did that to you. I have to fix it and make things back the way they were. I don't know yet how to do it, but I have faith that it'll come to me. So far, I seem to have been shown the way whenever I wander off the right path. I trust that it will happen again. You need to do the same thing."
He saw the tiredness in her eyes, eyes that now at least held some clarity. He tried to reach out and find how much she had actually taken in. Knew that she didn't understand most of what he had told her and knew also, that she had filed it away in that filing cabinet brain of hers to process at leisure. She would be ok, it would take time. Time... ahhh... I don't think I will say that word again without it's real implications jumping out to stare me arrogantly in the face. Time, something we take for granted as being a constant in our lives. Mess with it, and that constant becomes blurred, becomes indistinct. Mess with it, and you affect the lives and situations of every single living thing around you. Playing God? Most definitely. Add THAT to the list of errors that the Ancients made.
He took her back to the infirmary, laughing a little when he saw Angel running up to them excitedly after barking at something down in the waters below. "Yeah, girl – lots's of weird and wonderful creatures down here. It seems that animals are the most accepting creatures that ever evolved. Humans, not so much..."
Carson met them with a worried look on his face as they arrived back at the infirmary. He saw the tiredness in her face, and censure changed the expression on his own.
"I told you not to overdo it Colonel - look at her. Help her back into bed right now. She's exhausted and likely you've made things worse. Trying to explain the sort of fairy tale she's just found herself involved in while still trying to recover from an injury like that? Irresponsible on your part, and irresponsible on mine for letting you do it Colonel. I'm sorry lass, I should have known better – let's get you back into bed..."
He looked down into her pale face partially covered by the large bandage at the side of her head, and was stopped by John's firm hand.
"Look at her Carson – really look at her...!"
Her peered into her blue eyes and saw that some of the confusion and some of the blankness had dissipated and where before there had been the lost look that victims of accidents and head injuries usually wear like a badge of honour, now there was some clarity, and a certain expression when she slid her eyes cautiously towards John.
She may not remember the past two weeks, thought Carson, but his touch is familiar. That's why he's keeping a firm hold on her right now. Colonel Sheppard, you walk a fine line sometimes my boy, but you're a good man. She knows, deep down somewhere inside, beyond those demons, she knows who you are. On some visceral level son, you are bonded to her.