CHAPTER 40 – TIME AND UNDERSTANDING

There were times during those two days that she chose to disbelieve. It seemed easier to do so because attempting to piece together the information that Colonel Sheppard had thrown at her that day on the pier, and the continuing bombardment of information he sent her way, often brought pain more than not. So, if she shut her mind down and let it drift, thought about 1962 and her memories of her home, her beach, her family that she had left there – the pain went away and she was able to smile and remember. Only the good things.

Carson was worried. The head injury was healing as were most of the symptons. She seemed tired still and needed to sleep for short periods throughout the day, and this also was a normal occurrence with such an injury. It was the disassociation that worried him. John was a constant visitor and he saw the way that the Colonel's kept physical contact with her at all times when he was with her. Simple touches mostly, holding her hand, running a hand gently down her hair – but sometimes he saw the heat that flared in his eyes and the answering flash in hers. He understood that this was John's way of strengthening the connection so that she remembered, but questioned whether forcing the physical feelings to supercede the emotional ones was a wise choice in her recovery.

Curiously enough it was Rodney who spent a lot of time at her side. Talking, laughing and Carson wondered at the connection there. She was comfortable in the presence of the scientist and saw the thoughtful look on her face after Rodney had left her each time. Each time he came he brought her a small gift, usually some unimportant piece of technology that the ancients had left behind. On some level Rodney seemed to understand that these fascinated Gina and appealed to the scientific nature of her mind, and it was during one of these visits where their debate was becoming just a little heated as they argued over a small hand held heat infuser that the Lantien team had rendered more of less useless as soon as they discovered it, that John walked in.

He stood at the doorway and watched them. There was a look in Rodney's eyes that he had trouble putting his finger on. Something rippled through him. Not jealously. He didn't think that Rodney's reasons for these constant visits for anything like that. Rodney had a connection with her, somehow and hoped that he wasn't about to discover that there was some loose thread still hanging around out there. Because that would really suck!

"Hey Sheppard! Give us your take on this one. Useless or not? Hand held heat infuser... you guys decided it was more or less rubbish. But you didn't get stranded on P8T198 while trying to figure out a way to get the sorry ass of a Colonel home again. It was damn cold there. Ronon who thankfully kept the home fires burning so to speak was a godsend... but this little baby? This would have helped things along nicely. Permanent power source, activated by the wearer as to the degree of cold they were experiencing... perfect!"

John felt a sense of disassociation. He looked at the happy smile on Rodney's face, then looked down at the device he held in his hand.

"Rodney! I've never seen that device before. Where did you find it?"

The smile remained on Rodney's face as he juggled the device from hand to hand. "We found it when we first arrived in Atlantis. Among other such useless finds I might add. Stored them all in an archive room, testing them as we go and once we decide that there's not a lot of use for these things, then they get tagged and bagged. You know this Sheppard... hell, you're usually the first one to play with the gadgets, just like some oversized school boy."

John fought to bring up the memory. Rodney's words didn't ring true. Carson had come up behind Rodney and was peering over his shoulder at the hand held device. "Aah, Rodney. I remember that one. Colonel? You and Rodney were chasing each other – you tried to shove it down the back of his shirt and Elizabeth caught you. Tried to make out she was angry, but she couldn't quite hide the smile on her face. You were yelling something to Rodney about shoving it where the sun don't shine... or something to that effect..."

John saw the smile on Carson's face and knew cold fear for a split second. He did not remember. That memory was not there. And John had the memory of an elephant, no doubt about that.

Carson saw the change in the Colonel's expression and was beside him in seconds. "You all right lad? You look like you've seen a ghost!" Rodney had risen from beside Gina's bed and John as if from a distance, saw the concern enter her blue eyes.

"Carson, I don't remember that device. And you know me. I don't forget very much. If anything. How can I have forgotten? And if I've forgotten that, what else have I forgotten, or conveniently dissociated myself with?"

"Calm down Colonel. I'm sure it's nothing. A small lapse in memory – hell after everything you've been through why would you even need to remember a small innocuous gadget that you had already dismissed as useless in your mind anyway."

"You don't understand Carson. It's not just a lapse. When you talk about it – it's as thought I'm hearing of it for the first time. I can see a hole where that memory should be... and if that hole is there, what if there are other holes? Can I trust what I remember?"

John needed to get out of the room, away from the confusion he saw on Rodney and Carson's face, away from the understanding he saw on Gina's face. Away. Somewhere quiet where he could ponder that small black hole and wonder at it's significance. For he knew it would have significance. Every tiny change that he had affected through his trip back to the past had rendered something essentially different. The important word being essential.

Without saying anything further he turned and ran out of the room, putting distance and time between the people who looked at him in confusion and the confusion that was spiralling in his mind. Time and distance. Distance and time. Therein lies your conundrum John.