I came to myself slowly, aware of clean air and a comfortable hum around me. I opened my eyes as bright light shone into them, a stained window blurred my view of the outside as the rest of my body woke up as well. God, it hurt to move.

I smelt smoke as I turned into my hair, shifting to seek comfort from the pain in my hip.

The school.

The fire.

I sat up, crying out in pain as the movement pulled my skin and sent white hot sparks up my veins. I looked around me wildly, I was in a room and had a white gown covering my body. I got up and stood, instantly collapsing and sending a tray nearby to the bed scattering across the floor…but I didn't hear it scatter, I saw it scatter.

The door swung open to reveal a man running to me, helping me up as I cried.

"Where am I?!" I shouted, ripping the needles out of my arms as the man back ed up to give me space.

At least I think that's what I shouted. I could barely hear, it was like someone was covering my ears with their hands. I recognized the man as Dr. Carson as he gently touched me and helped me sit back on the bed again. He spoke, and I watched his lips, but it came out as a low mumble. He wrapped a cord around me and I saw my heartbeat pick up on the monitor, but I couldn't hear the beep.

"I can't hear anything." I couldn't tell if I was whispering or not, Carson hesitated as I looked at him, seeking an explanation, "Why can't I hear anything!? Why can't I hear you!?"

I stood up again and pushed him away, freaking out as I clawed at my head and screamed as loud as I could until my throat ripped from pain. Carson ran out as I threw the IV's against glass, but I didn't hear them shatter.

Simon ran into the room and grabbed me from behind as I went to crash the monitor on the ground, his arms secured me to his chest as I thrashed around, trying to hear something! Anything! I must have looked insane to Carson as Simon held me to his chest, soothing me as he ran a hand over my hair. Eventually he managed to wrestle me back on the bed, keeping a firm grip on me as I cried.

"Simon, Simon I can't hear anything. Why can't I hear anything?" I cried, and Simon let go slowly, retrieving a clipboard that Carson had scribbled on before fleeing again out of the room.

I could feel my throat vibrate but just a small murmur reached my ears. Simon handed me the board and smoothed my hair away from my face.

Ear damage due to the explosion at the school. Only temporary, hearing should recover in three to four days. A week to be safe.

I sniffled as Simon nodded at me when I looked to him confused, I looked back rereading the words as I began to calm down.

The door opened again as I sunk into Simon's side before I smelt the leather and dirt filling the room.

Negan.

I stood up from the bed on wobbly legs, pain in my waist warning me to sit back down but I refused to listen. I was so relieved to see him, so relieved to have him close to me again all I could think about what being wrapped in his arms again, safe.

Wait.

Why wasn't he looking at me?

Negan didn't even glance at me as he conversed with Simon, low mumbles reached me as I watched them converse. Negan's lips barely moved as he nodded my way but still didn't look at me.

"I'm deaf! Not fucking blind!" I said, Simon jumped next to me. Maybe I hadn't spoken soft enough like I thought I did.

Negan finally rolled his eyes and glanced at me before he grabbed Carson's clipboard and began writing on it. Simon sat me back down, but I could only look at Negan. He was annoyed with me, he was ignoring me. Whatever happened at Community X…what did happen at that community? I couldn't remember anything, just…pain.

Simon took the clipboard from Negan and handed it to me wordlessly before he turned back to the leader.

Simon found you in the rubble at the school, bleeding everywhere that your body could let you. Jameson dead with your machete in his dick. By the time you got back, Carson checked you over and confirmed that you had been-

I stopped reading for a second as I read the last word repeatedly in my head. I looked up, hands shaking as I felt every ounce of bravado and confidence seep out of me. The two men were staring at me expectantly, faces calm.

"I was raped? I-I-I don't even remember that, how did that…I remember running out of the school, it was on fire- I set it on fire and then…nothing." I felt the tears build up and the lump in my throat start to form as Simon scribbled on the board quickly.

You had to have a blood transfusion, out cold for four days. The number of cuts and scars on your body Melaney, we didn't think you'd make it.

I got up, tossing the clipboard on the bed and walked to the bathroom, Negan made a move to follow but stopped as I slammed the door behind me. I didn't even hear a slam, but I hoped it had been loud.

I looked in the mirror, holding onto the sink until my knuckles turned white. I looked like I had died, pale skin and sunken in eyes. I ran a finger over a scratch on my lip and down my neck where there was an obvious hand shaped bruise.

I slipped the hospital gown down my body, watching as the cotton slipped away to reveal bruises and angry red marks. Someone had given me the decency of underwear but…it didn't stop the blood from coming through. Fingernail scratches across my hip and I ran my own nails over them. I pulled down my underwear to reveal the word on my hip, carved in deep and angry. My waist hurt from this word, from the gutted skin. Pain seemed to pulse from it as I barely touched the carved letters on my skin, I couldn't tell if I was crying or not or even how loud. I couldn't look away from the word. I started to shake as I pulled my hand away, some scabbed blood clung to me and I hurriedly ran the water to wash it away.

I slid my gown back on and curled up on the floor, tucking my head into my knees as I cried. I could feel it now, there was a dull ache inside of me and it hurt.

The bathroom door opened, and I was saddened to see Simon, not Negan, enter. Simon wrapped me in a blanket and held me, legs closing me into his chest as he let me cry, keeping a soothing hand in my hair as the pain engulfed me.

I sat there with Simon comforting me for what felt like hours, he got up to get water when I had all but passed out on him from the crying. He helped me into the bed again, changing my stained sheets even as he helped put the IVs back into my veins to help me.

When Carson releases you, you'll stay with me in the extra room I have. Shouldn't be more than a couple days now that you're awake.

I sighed as I read his scrawl on the clipboard before writing a response of my own, Simon visibly shook his head and kissed my forehead before clicking the pen away.

Negan has a lot on his plate right now, Doll. He feels like shit, he put you out and you got hurt, badly. This has never happened to anyone of us before, everyone's in shock because of it. You just need to heal and rest and then you can deal with Negan.

Simon turned the lamps off for me in the room and I felt like a little kid again, having to be comforted after a bad dream.

"Simon? Were there any survivors?"

Simon stopped at my question, if I could hear I'd probably hear the way his boots skidded on the ground at the question. He turned around and his lips read no, before he walked out and closed the door behind him.

I laid back down on the bed, feeling empty. Negan didn't want anything to do with me now and nobody had survived…Carolina…God, nobody had survived but me. I should have never pressured them into meeting those men, I would never be able to be a leader like Negan was…I was pathetic. I couldn't even keep three people alive.

I swallowed the pills on the table besides me and curled up in the warm blankets, I felt so numb right now. I closed my eyes and tried not to remember the past week.

NEGAN

He stood at the door silently, barely breathing as he watched her sleep. He wanted to breathe, he wanted to move, and he knew she wouldn't hear him, but he didn't want to risk it. Not now, not when she was so fragile and broken now.

Lucille tapped against his calf as he stared at her in the bed, she looked so small on it as her body tried to heal itself from within. He wanted to walk in, climb in next to her and run his fingers through her tangled brown hair and kiss her scars and bruises away until all that was left was her beautiful tanned skin.

But he wouldn't. not ever again would he touch her and cause her more pain than she was already going through. Never again would he risk her life just to prove a pint to himself and the others.

Negan didn't move as Simon walked up the hallway, extra blanket tucked under his arm as he came and stood next to him, both watching her sleep. She kicked her leg out of the blanket and sighed as the moon shone over her mangled hip. Negan looked away before he could read the word there.

"What's the next plan, Boss?"

"Get the men ready, Lucille is thirsty. Dwight said they found the remaining men from the school." Negan gripped Lucille, trying to crack the wood in his anger.

"About her, Negan. What about her?"

Negan finally looked away from her on the bed and looked to his right-hand man. He felt weak, like a fucking pussy as he tried to hold back the angry tears in his eyes. Simon's own eyes were red, mirroring how Negan felt since she had been brought back here in Simon's arms.

"Negan!"

Negan groaned as Dwight screamed up at him from the mess hall, god he did not need this shit right now. The pounding on his door started and he yelled as he got up to open it but stopped short as he noticed Dwight was covered in ashes and his white shirt had blood staining the bottom hem.

"What the fuck is going on?"

"Melaney."

Negan raced out to the yard as Simon hopped out of the back of the truck he had gone in to pick up the new community stragglers and his girl. He stopped short, dust kicking up around him as Simon cradled someone to his chest, wrapped in a loose sheet as he ran to Negan. Negan couldn't move as he recognized the arm dangling from the body.

"Boss, we need to get her to Carson she's in bad shape!" Simon yelled as he ran past but all he could do was stare after them, slowly turning in his spot in Sanctuary.

"-died for three minutes before Simon brought her back in the back of the truck. Out there for at least a day in the rubble, fire had died down completely." Arat was saying next to him, pushing him towards the medical wing, "She has a name carved into her hip."

Negan snapped out of the memory as Simon cleared his throat.

"Figure it out, she's not my problem anymore." He growled out and Simon took a step back as Negan walked past.

He wanted blood for her pain. He wanted it now.

SIX DAYS LATER

It had been six days, six days since I woke up and six days since I last saw my crumbled community. I got my hearing back finally, but everything still sounded muted anyways since I had cut myself off from anything. My cuts and bruises were taking longer to heal than necessary and the carving on my hip prevented me from being useful to Sanctuary, Carson had put me on bed rest for at least two weeks, so I wouldn't get it infected again.

I still didn't have any memory from Community X, all I really remembered was Jameson pinning me to the ground and fire raged all around us but that was it, afterwards it was just blank and empty in my head.

Negan was gone, I hadn't seen him since I woke up that first day. Simon refused to tell me anything that had to do with him, claimed that I'd be better off not knowing. I stopped asking for him by day three, too hurt to care if Negan wanted to see me anymore. Simon was a comfort though, moving into his room was peaceful, I could see why he liked being away from everything at the end of the day. He had a bar stocked with whiskey which made me raise an eyebrow but being Simon had its perks, of course. He was…different. I had never noticed Simon before really, he was always just Negan's go-to guy, but he was actually very sweet; he always made sure I woke up to take my pills and always brought me food, so I wouldn't have to go outside and chance seeing Negan…or anybody else really.

It was weird, anytime I thought about the…the rape, I didn't feel anything. A part of me thought Simon was lying to me about it but every time I crossed my legs the cuts pulled on my skin and my stomach would drop in unease…it frustrated not being able to remember anything, I didn't like being left in the dark.

But I was literally in the dark now, sitting on my bed in Simon's room playing with an empty bottle of pain meds as I came down from my high on them. I had the windows covered, enjoying the coolness of the night air outside. I needed more pills, I needed something to mask the pain of everything I was feeling and hearing. The pain in my body was nothing compared to the pain in my thoughts when I was alone, and Negan floated into my head. I knew he was avoiding me, I had caught word that the Wives had regrouped up in that loft as well, that they were staying the night more often.

It made me sick, but I always had another pill to make me better.

I opened my eyes slowly as I heard a faint knock on the door, Simon was out he shouldn't be back yet, it was too early. Another knock sounded out, louder this time and I tossed the bottle at the door.

"Come in."

"Hello." Eugene walked in, holding a small box and I smiled, "How are you this evening?"

"Good. Tired."

"Carson sent a gift," Eugene set the box down next to me on the bed, "Since you're up and moving, I think it's safe to say you're almost healed up. There's extra bandages and two more bottles of pills, courtesy of Carson. He said to wait until Monday, so your system can flush out the other ones, and to take one pill every other day since they were stronger."

That's actually pretty fucking great, I thought as I pulled the box closer to me, I needed something stronger anyways.

"Thanks, G." I smiled up at him as he tucked Carson's note he was reading from, away, "How're you?"

"Good. Considering we are at war." Eugene was standing still in the room, I was reminded of the timid man with a jar of pickles when he first came here.

He seemed…he had an air of authority around him now. It was good to see him standing up for himself.

"Catch Dwight yet?" I asked as I shoved the box under the bed, Eugene nodded.

"He is the mole, he admitted it, now it's only a matter of time before I can prove it."

"Great, Negan would be pleased. You should bring it up to him at the next meeting they have, whenever that is." I paused, heart racing as Eugene nodded.

"They're in a meeting right now discussing Alex…Melaney, no." Eugene caught the trap I had set him in and I smiled, "You are not going to interrupt them."

"I'm owed an explanation, don't you think?"

"You're high as a kite, Laney." Eugene folded his arms as I slipped my boots on, "I shouldn't have told you where he was."

"Right. I forgot everyone knows we aren't fuckbuddies anymore with his wives hanging around. Everyone's to scared to talk to me still because of the shit I went through, Negan probably told them to cut me off from everyone I knew." I rolled my eyes, bitterness gracing my tongue, "Where do your loyalties lie, Eugene? With Rick or Negan?"

"I reckon it's the strongest leader."

"Rick and Negan are similar in many ways, G." I stood up, gripping the bar as my head swam at the sudden movement, "Better watch what you wish for…get out, I have to get ready to meet the big, bad wolf."

Eugene opened his mouth to say something but closed it, he shook his head and walked out as I pretended to look for a brush. Once the door was closed I toed the box out from under the bed and popped a pill in, fuck Carson's rules, he wasn't even a certified doctor…maybe, who fucking knew who anyone was anymore. I grabbed the bandages and redressed some of my open cuts, I saved the carving on my hip for last.

Who knew a five-letter word could hurt so much.

I walked out and was surprised to find Eugene waiting for me, a sad expression on his face. He didn't say a word as he led me down to the meeting room, just kept silent like he usually did.

We didn't pass any Saviors on the way there, it seemed like Sanctuary was dead.

I had thought about it a lot, confronting Negan about whatever the fuck was going on between us, I feel like I knew the answer I was going to get anyways. Simon warned me against seeking him out and asking, but I was done waiting in the dark. I knew where he was now, and if I was cast out because I didn't want to wait any longer then so be it.

We came to a stop in front of the meeting doors, I could hear faint talking inside but not much else. Eugene grabbed my shoulder as I moved to open the door.

"Melaney, I've known you for quite some time. Please don't do this to yourself."

"Eugene- "

"Don't go in there. Please."

I shrugged his hand off and opened the door anyways, Eugene cursed and walked in behind me.

Dwight, Arat, Simon and Regina were sitting around the table with Negan at the head holding that fucking bat on the table, tearing up the wood. They all looked to me in surprise and Eugene tried to form sentences as Negan raised an eyebrow at him, completely ignoring me.

"Doll." Simon stood up, the only one who had a reaction to seeing me, "You okay?"

"Well now I know where the rat's been hiding." I folded my arms as Negan dismissed Eugene back outside. He barely glanced my way still, "Is it alright if I get a word with our mighty fucking leader?"

The anger was bubbling inside me as Negan picked at the wires on his bat, everyone looked to Negan for an order, even Regina looked anxious to get away.

"I've got shit to do- "Negan started as I passed Simon.

I kicked the table, hard. The papers and cards went flying off the side. Everyone backed away from the table, Simon went to grab me, but I turned away. Negan just sighed and flicked a paper off his lap.

"You've got time now."

"Laney stop this shit- "Simon whispered in my ear, but I ignored him again, the pill and the adrenaline in my system was making me cocky and Negan's lack of reaction was just fuel to the fire for me.

"No." Negan finally looked at me, expressionless.

"That's not an answer. You fucking owe me!" I yelled and for a split second his expression changed, but I couldn't place it.

"ENOUGH!"

Negan slammed Lucille on the table, close to where my fingers were, and I felt my body twitch in response, but I held my fucking ground.

"Boss, do you need us…" Arat asked softly, the three of them had backed up to the other end of the room but Negan ignored them.

"You haven't fucking looked at me since I've been back, Simon says you were there when I woke up but then you fucked off like some deadbeat. Every time I asked for you, you're somehow never around yet here you are, fucking your hand around the table." I hissed, Negan and I were face to face over the table, pissed.

"Didn't realize it was my job to always give a shit."

"That's funny coming from the guy who killed my parents because you were afraid they'd take me away." I sneered, Negan's jaw tensed, "But it's good to see you're hiding behind that fucking persona you've created for us."

"Us? Baby girl there never was an us." Negan stood up and laughed, throwing me off, "I got you to turn against little fucking Ricky, I got you back on my team and knocked that prick off his pedestal for a moment. Got your redneck boyfriend to break…I got what I wanted, just didn't expect you to survive this long."

"Negan!" Simon butted in, but the damage was done.

I stood up numbly, whether it was from the pill or the words he had said I couldn't differentiate. Arat, Regina and even Dwight looked shell shocked at Negan's outburst.

"You don't want me anymore because I was raped, do you?" I asked softly, and Negan's eyes darted to the sliver of skin that was showing above my waist, "What? You don't like the fact that Jameson carved your name into my hip?"

I lifted my shirt and he looked away immediately, I scoffed and let it back down.

"I killed for you, I would have died happily for you…but tainted meat isn't worth anything is it? Unless it's being tainted by you…sorry about the papers."

I walked out of the room, passing the others and shoving past Eugene as he called out to me when I slammed the door shut behind me.

SIMON

After an hour of looking he found her with the help of Arat and Dwight. Dwight had been outside when he looked up at Sanctuary to find a figure sitting at the very top. Arat had radioed him and he had left Negan to climb up the walls.

She was sitting on the edge with her feet dangling over, kicking them back and forth as she stared out into the night sky. She and that one kid, Leo, used to come out here all the time when Negan had started pursuing her. He could understand why, it was nice and quiet up here. Hell, maybe he'd move his shit up here to get away from everyone's bullshit.

She looked up as he sat down, didn't even say a word but her eyes looked dull, faded and red. Simon stayed quiet as he replayed Negan's conversation with him and the others in his head.

"You know, you were out there for a full day and night before I came. Knocked out cold, didn't look like you had moved at all. I brought you back and Carson said after an hour you died for a minute while Negan was in there with you."

Melaney looked up at him at that and Simon nodded.

"It's true. He didn't go back into your room until you woke up again. Everyone thought you were dead, hell, even Arat shed a few damn tears when Negan told us. Beaten, carved, raped…it was a miracle you decided to pull through."

"I shouldn't have pulled through at all. I'd rather be dead." She shook her head and kicked her foot again, Simon sighed.

"No, you don't…but you'll be working for points and shit now if you want, or I can just take you under my wing for shit too."

"So, it's done, that's basically him saying I can do whatever the fuck I want now, and he won't give a shit." She shook her head and he heard the tears come out from the way her voice shook, "Kneeling when I see him, pretending that I never loved him…"

"It might be better that way, Doll." Simon out an arm around her shoulders and pulled her in for a hug.

She held onto him, crying above Sanctuary as he calmed her aching heart down. She fit like a puzzle into his side, for a second, he wondered if this is what Negan felt whenever he had her in his arms. He felt miserable seeing her sad, but he had never felt so much panic and pain when he had shifted through the remains of the school and found her body.

He knew what it was like to be discarded like broken glass, hell his last marriage ended because she had found someone younger and better looking. Melaney dug her face into his side and Simon held on, content with being her anchor from now on.

Such a strong woman…he just hoped Sanctuary didn't lose her too soon.