Edgy here,

So I was suddenly inspired for a chapter here. I doubt updates will come this fast in the future but I'll post them as I feel they're ready. Yes, There is an overarching plot. With this one I'm throwing out Easter Eggs like the week after the first full moon following the Vernal Equinox.

I Hope you like my new line breaks, I was inspired.

As always keep in mind this story has some adult themes and cursing galore. The characters should not be too OOC, just keep in mind whose head we are in at the time. Ships, both crack and otherwise abound.

**DISCLAIMER**

I DO NOT OWN RWBY. It is the creation of Rooster Teeth and Monty Oum.

_*bana\na*

Chapter 2 : Three's a Crowd

She was doing it again.

I had found it funny at first. When my friend thought that social engineering could bring him from a nerdy, excuse me, " intellectual," guy to a ladies' man at Beacon, I had just smiled and nodded along to the blue-haired boys reasoning. I had decided that as a test of my partner's "skills" was in order. So, when my team had finally gotten here for the Vytal Festival, I decided I would introduce my partner to the people I had met on my *Ahem* .."reconnaissance" trip.

SO much regret, and yet I feel he earned his current predicament.

I am talking about how Neptune attracted THE most possessive girlfriend on Remnant, Weiss Schnee. Neptune's little system hadn't been working for him up until he used that terrible line on her. "I don't believe I've caught YOUR name Snow Angel."

Who the fuck would think that would work?

By some freakin' miracle she actually was interested. Then at the dance that Arc dude pushed Neptune to break his "system" and actually follow up on his flirting. I never got the full story of what happened that night, since I had my own Kitty to woo, but ever since she's taken to being around when he tries talk to another chick. I think he either had a boost of confidence once he'd had some success, or more likely the Girlchat around Beacon saw him as desirable since the Schnee only want the best. Having the Ice Queen always showing up to smite my partner's prospective conquests really put a damper on our Bro time.

Then the Vytal Festival happened.

Between the destruction and the near disaster we felt lucky to be alive. Then Jacques Schnee showed up demanding Weiss's return to Atlas. She literally dragged Neptune to the airship docks and declared she could not leave as she had found a suitable match and had to stay to be courted and eventually betrothed. Her father had inspected my partner like cattle, even going so far as to pry his lips up and examine his teeth. The Schnee patriarch had turned to his daughter and said. "Good work, he shall do nicely. You have my permission to proceed."

_*bana\na*

Now, here I am watching my sad excuse for a Bro being fitted for a suit of clothes, complements of his "Snow Angel." All the while, our plans to go see the Spruce Willis movie the Swarovski Brothers had made, loosely based on the Battle of Beacon, were quickly dying.

"Hey Nep, wanna ditch outta here and see if we can get in at Junior's early?"

Neptune was standing on the tailor's platform, arms out, being measured and decked in different fabrics across his body. The colors were all white or blue but the tailor guy and Weiss kept throwing out names like "Flax" and "Camellia." While they were occupied discussing how to best make my buddy look like a buffed pillar of salt I got my whispered response.

"Sun, man, after what happened at the ice cream place she's staking her claim. I'm like 'this' close to third base."

"DO NOT MOVE!" Yelled both Weiss and the tailor as Neptune made a move to show me just where he was on a scale of virgin to blue balls with the heiress.

"Whatever, man. I can't take it in here. I'm gonna run down to the street market. Shoot me a message when you're done with your makeover." I said over my shoulder, swinging away on the curtain rod from what was sure to be another of his "cool guy" smiles.

If only I didn't know that he had practiced that smile in the mirror for a year and a half to get it "just right.

_*bana\na*

My intention was to go to the street market, maybe catch the banana guy with a distraction for a snack. I couldn't help but ruminate as I walked though.

OK, so maybe I feel a bit bitter about being a third wheel, but if Nep thinks he has what he wants then who am I to judge. I mean, hell, all the girls I go after all seem to walk the other side of the street, if you get my drift. There was that girl I met in Mistral, Eliza or something. Then the transfer student at Haven named after some gem. Anyway, it seems like I'm 0 for 3 with Blake.

At least I was right, she is into blonds.

I'm just wandering around town really and my stomach grumbles reminding me it has been a couple hours since I ate. I see that ice cream place in the distance and think "What the hell? I can burn it off with training later."

_*bana\na*

The little bell above the door tinkled as I walk in to Candy's. While my first experience here was a mixed bag, I'd say it made an alright hangout. The ice cream display counter was at the front by the left wall. The register and prep station wrapped around the corner. The counter stopped about a third of the way and opened to a hallway marked as going to the bathrooms, kitchen and storage.

The right side was where I headed, a good old fashioned soda jerk counter and bar with a cut out to the kitchen. I sat down and sighed to myself admiring the stool's comfort.

"Mmmm, Mistralian leather." I hummed.

The seats were new, just plush enough and with a dip in the seat to account for Faunus appendages. That's when you knew a place was really Faunus friendly, hard stools and solid-backed chairs were as much a deterrent to Faunus patronage as "store dogs," those ostensibly friendly store mascots usually trained to sniff out and harass Faunus.

The booths were that way too, with recesses between the top and bottom cushions. I scanned the room, specifically the round booth in the corner that had been all but claimed by Blake's team.

I guess they were out doing whatever or back at Beacon.

It had been almost 8 months since the Battle of Beacon and school was back in session. All the buildings had been repaired and the Grimm numbers were getting back under control. Nikos had taken a beating, but Ruby Rose pulled out some hat trick that stopped the bigass Grimm dragon and sent that Cinder babe and the rest running. It took them a month and some dust high explosives to chip the big bastard off of Beacon tower.

Then there was the White Fang. They were sent running with tails tucked. But, the real kicker came when the main CCT came back online a few days later. Blake's parents showed up, having seen video posted of Blake fighting Adam.

Let it be said, that when in a dangerous situation some idiot will always feel the need to pull out their scroll and begin recording.

They had seen it all, Adam stabbing Blake, baiting Yang, him being utterly annihilated by trying to block a punch that had the amplified force of all the hits she had taken in the middle of a goddamn free-for-all shitfight melee with emotional baggage and rage hotter than ten thousand burning suns on top.

Fucking idiot. They only found his Trenchcoat and horns.

Ghira Belladonna had thanked Yang for saving his daughter and getting rid of "that bullheaded boy, who defiled my little kitten." Her Mom just stood there smiling while Yang drooled at her mumbling about cougars. Blake gushed about her partner and surprised her parents by laying a kiss on the blonde girl that certainly said,"More than friends."

If I had known this was a "kill all her evil exs to win her heart" deal I might have known not to get my hopes up. As it stood I thought maybe she might have given me a chance now that she had some closure,ya'know. I mean, we had fun at the dance and I was a perfect gentleman even during the hot make out session in the broom closet.

Blake changed quite a bit that day. At first, it was subtle glances and less space between them when sitting at lunch, progressing to laughing at her partner's puns and hand holding. Then, one day I saw them on campus and it was like they were about to maul each other in the best of ways.

"If it weren't for the hair and clothes I'd have to throw that face out of here. I have a "No Emos" policy ya'know"

I nearly jumped out of my skin. The waitress from before was standing over me with a teasing smirk.

I gave a weak smirk of my own "Well I also don't have some squeaky voice and red fur."

She snorted, "That's Elmo but, yeah, so I'll go with the cliche bartender line and say 'Why the long face?' But also, order or get out."

I glanced up at the colorful chalkboard above the kitchen portal. What I had last time was too rich for my blood so I took in the simpler fare. "I'll take a Banana Daiquiri Smoothie, tulip glass, heavy on the rum."

She nodded and began mixing the drink. She actually filled the whole blender and made a pitcher, covering the top with cling wrap and putting it in the cooler after pouring mine.

"Hey, now, I only ordered one. And I specifically said a tulip glass. One!" I indicated with my tail.

"I'm hedging my bets." She shrugged with a sly smile. She sat the drink in front of me. "So, business is slow right now and I am bored. Entertain me with your woes."

"I suppose this is where I say something like, 'You wouldn't understand.' but, shit, I guess it couldn't hurt." I rolled my shoulders.

"It all started before the festival when I occupied some unused space on a boat to get here early…"

"So you stowed away." She quipped.

"Hey, I'm the one telling the story here. Anyway, when the ship docked I got chased by these really rude crew guys…"

_*bana\na*

It was a Thursday afternoon. I hate Thursdays. Business was slow and I could only do inventory, clean the display, threaten the suppliers and water down the liquor so many times before I got bored. I definitely was not sampling the goods when Monkeyboy showed up.

I subtly encouraged him to buy something or get the hell out. I also noticed his stupid face looked like someone had stabbed his cat. Oh,wait.

Once I got him talking I realized that he had a Vaccuo accent. But not just any accent he had definitely been a street kid. The way he cut off his g's. The way he spoke with his hands. It gave away his origins.

I interrupted at the most inappropriate spots in his story, but listened all the same. It was unsurprising that while Torchdick featured in his story, not a mention of me was found.

He really should get over that Cat chick. Get himself a bunny girl. I had seen one in here the other day. Eh, nope, now I remember the walking wall she was clinging to. How the hell would that work anyway? It doesn't seem physically possible.

Damn, I stopped listening. Looks like he's winding down, better reengage the conversation. Maybe I could glean the point from his last couple of sentences.

"... So I left Neptune getting his Schnee makeover and realized I am, like, the third wheel for every one of my social circles right now. What the hell am I supposed to do?" He ended his rant by throwing his arms in the air.

I looked at his empty glass debating what to say. Especially with the part where Blueberry was being used as a life sized dress up doll/ human pet by the Schnee girl. That was both sad and extremely fucking hilarious. This called for something special. The streets were dead and besides, I had turned a tidy profit this week. I lifted the hinged countertop, and pushed past the swinging doors to the other side of the counter. I turned off the open sign and flipped the placard on the door from "Come Scream for Ice Cream" to "Go Home and Chill."

I walked back across the dining area and behind the counter again, grabbed the pitcher and another tulip glass, and went to sit on the stool beside the blond. He was looking at me like I was about to rob him. Oh, the irony.

I poured a glass of the smoothie daiquiri for each of us, added a slice of banana to his and a pink umbrella to mine, then spoke, " You sound like a man in serious need of getting super faded, blackout, extra sloppy drunk." I kept a deadpan serious face." I am Minty Altertouri, and as your payment for my booze you will entertain me with more of your stupid stories that I will make fun of you for, deal?"

He tried to look incredulous but the corners of his lips tugged upwards. "They are not stupid stories, this is my life." He declared, "So, sit back and hear the tale of Sun Wukong, Monkey King of the streets of Vaccuo and his Journey to the West."

The bastard had waited for me to take a sip and I snorted banana smoothie. This would be fun.

_*bana\na*

AN

Thanks for the positive reviews and favs, they really pumped me up for getting this updated earlier, so keep 'em comin'.

I always pictured Neptune as a guy who learned about social engineering, decided to become a pickup artist and has no idea what to do if a girl actually reciprocates. From the little we see in the show he's really almost as socially inept as Jaune.

A couple reveals here, keep in mind Neo finds Sun a source of amusement here, no romantic intentions… yet.

Thank you for reading.

Review, Fav and Follow if you want more!

-Edgy