Dear Woody,
Thank you for accepting my apology, roundabout as it was. I appreciate it and will do my best not to fall into another 'cloud of impulse', as my father tends to say. Shall we start on a somewhat new footing?
You will see that within this package I have sent you a CD of my singles, regardless of your previously stated disinterest. I can guarantee with one hundred percent satisfaction that you will enjoy, if not all (though unlikely as that would be) of the songs, you will enjoy a goodly amount. My friend Mercedes, after some intense discussion, convinced me that not everyone enjoys Broadway musicals as much as I do (which I still put forth is ridiculous as Broadway musicals are TIMELESS), so I mixed in some songs that are very much more 'popular'. The complete track listing is within the jewel case. Your thanks is not necessary, even though, as I am sure, that amateur disc shall become QUITE valuable in the future.
Is there anything you wish to talk about?
Cordially,
Rachel Berry *
P.S. There has been no proof of any voodoo 'happenings'. I suggest you give up on that fantasy.
Goldie,
First, you are incredible. And I mean that as incredibly INSANE. But sure, whatever. At least writing to you kills some of the absolute boredom of this place. As well as I can always use your letters as extra drawing paper. Oh, and I notice your handwriting has gotten less ugly. Getting some help with that?
Second, I don't think I have met anyone else as completely self-assured as you – and that's saying a lot because, well, there's me, and I know for a fact that I am completely worthy of my place as HBIC of this place. It would be kind of admiring if you weren't so annoying about it. Work on that, too.
…But you MIGHT have somewhat of a nice voice. Maybe. It was hard to hear past all the nasal-ness. But what I could hear at least kept tune. So that's good. Oh, apparently some of the other girls in here seemed to want to take pity on you because your CD is currently being passed around. I don't really care, but you might want to send more copies – some of these bitches have clumsy-ass fingers. Just sayin'.
Isn't it obvious I never have anything to talk about? Every day's exactly like the last. Fun.
S.
P.S. You should be happy to know that in the last sweep of my cell the guards found my voodoo doll of you and confiscated it. Bitch knows why. So congratulations. You're safe from lower back pain now. Yaaay.
Dear Woody,
I am really so popular with your fellow inmates? That may not be the… Usual audience I have, but it is no less satisfying. I am happy to send along more copies of the CD, as well as another one with all new numbers we worked on this past week in glee club. It was Britney Spears week, and though Baby One More Time may not be the best song to share with the incarcerated, now that I think about it, I am still happy to give you my rendition. Please let me know what you think. (I am choosing, obviously, to ignore your comments about my voice being nasal. I know they are false and just part of your strange need to make fun of my Jewish heritage.)
HBIC? I'm afraid I don't know that initialism. From how you use it, however, I'm sure it's not something bad or shameful. My apologies if I am wrong in that assumption.
And though it's not really your business, you are my pen pal, so I guess I might as well share with you why my handwriting has improved. As it is my junior year of high school, I'm starting to look into college applications and the like, and after a rather RUDE letter back from the admissions coordinator of a college I am definitely NOT going to attend (which has nothing to do with her correspondence, I swear), I realized that my destined life as a Broadway star does not exempt me from moving away from imperfect handwriting.
I still wish to take this time and blame my grade school teachers for so poorly teaching cursive.
You draw? Here, I am including a couple pieces of blank paper to help foster your hobby (or is it more than a hobby?). Though I cannot make you send me a drawing back, I would be very appreciative to see how it is you express yourself artistically. I must admit I am quite curious! And if it helps any, I can always send you an official drawing pad in my next package, if you'd like. Oh, I'll just send it with this one anyway. So, surprise! Enjoy. No need to thank me for that, either.
So… Woody… I don't know if you noticed or not, but I believe your last letter to me was almost as long as two or three other letters of yours combined! Are you finally warming up to me? I do hope so. (Though I debated whether or not to even bring this up, I figured to just go ahead and point it out. Please don't take that as an invitation to clam back up again. That would just be spiteful.)
Cordially,
Rachel Berry *
P.S. Even though I know it is ridiculous to put any stake in your voodoo, I can't help but feel at least a little mentally safer now. Make of that as you will.
Goldie,
This is me being spiteful.
S.
Goldie,
You honestly thought that was the only letter I was going to write this time, wasn't it? I would have LOVED to see your face. You already have some sort of complaining letter on its way to me, don't you? You do. I know you do.
Well, you'll be happy to know your new CDs are also a big hit. Hell, I think Amanda, down in Cell Block D is even thinking about forming an 'official Rachel Berry fan club'. She even paid me a pack of cigarettes to include a note from her. If I didn't forget, it's wrapped up in my letter. Don't go getting even bigger of a head, now. …Though, you know, maybe it would finally fit with your nose. Really, you make it too easy.
The drawing pad has come in handy. The picture I know I included was drawn on it. I don't want to hear any criticisms, as I didn't have too much free time. I've been drafted to work in the library. The stink of desperation and musty law books, joy.
HBIC is Head Bitch in Charge. Really, you go to WMHS. Shouldn't you know that?
S.
P.S. You DO believe! Been lying about the lower back pain, huh?
Dear Woody,
That's not nice. Please don't revert back to your old habits. I even promise not to mention your letter writing habits in the future.
Cordially,
Rachel Berry *
P.S. And no, the Haribo Frogs aren't a bribe. I promise.
Dear Woody,
I'm sorry. You know William McKinley High? Personally?
Cordially,
Rachel Berry *
P.S. Another letter containing more response to your letter shall be following this one. I just felt the need to get this burning question out first, no matter the overwhelming pride of hearing about my own fan club and my admiration of your art, thank you.