Disclaimer: Not mine, no profits. Warnings: may contain spoilers for post-end of the world, I haven't seen season five through yet and so also may be slightly AU. Some language. Mentions of past Dean/Castiel with brief details. Sad-eventual-happy!fic.
He cocked his head to the side. "Hello, Dean Winchester." He slipped off the counter and took a few steps forward. "I had thought that you would have remembered me. I am Castiel, an-"
"Angel of the Lord, no, I remember," Dean sad dryly, swallowing the build up of emotions he was not prepared to deal with yet. Castiel wasn't supposed to pop back in like old times, Dean was supposed to find him. He was supposed to beg the angel to listen to him, he was supposed make things right. It couldn't possibly work out the other way around. "Sam!"
"Then why did you call me the Son of God?" Dean shut his eyes and tried to ignore the sensations threatening to take him over. He's acting like- Oh, god, I hurt Castiel so badly that I gave him amnesia...
"Hey, Sammy!" he yelled desperately, opening his eyes again and inching towards the door. "I could really use your help right now."
"Dammit, Dean, how hard is it to get-" Sam stopped, his jaw dropping as he stepped into the kitchen. "Holy shit! Cas is back? What did you do?" He said, sending his brother a dark, suspicious look.
Castiel frowned before Dean could speak. "Please don't call me that, Samuel Winchester. It makes me feel..." he straightened his head and rolled his shoulders. "Unfortunate."
"Right, of course," Dean managed to say, his voice beginning to waver and betray him. "So, uh, what brings you here? God didn't give you permission to Smite me, did he?" He tried to fake a laugh and make a feeble smile.
Castiel peered at Dean confused and took two steps closer to him, watching very clearly as the man's breath hitched and he squirmed under his pining gaze. "Why should God want you Smited?"
Sam looked at the ground as his brother choked, it was getting to become an awkward environment to be invited into. He really didn't know why Dean called him at all. It was obvious that Castiel had no memories at all of Earth or he would have never asked that question. "Dean, you don't have-"
"No, Sam, this is the reason why I wanted him here and if the poor bastard lost his marbles..." he shook his head, unable to finish the statement, and looked the angel in the eye. "Not God, Castiel, but you."
"Me?" He repeated, his deep voice turning the sound into both a statement and a question. He squinted and looked closer at his charge. "I don't understand."
"That's because you lost your memories," Sam muttered. Castiel turned and viewed the younger brother in a side-long glance up and down.
"I know I lost my memories. I asked to Forget!" He snapped, not noticing Dean's flinch. A zap of shock went through his mind, a flash of red and screaming and eyes. He covered his ears to try and block out the whisperings in his mind and grunted at the screech they presented to him. He grit his teeth to the fear, panic and pain with the slight undercurrent of sadistic pleasure rushing through him, pumping into his blood and making him slowly cave to the foreign emotions.
The heavy oppression was lifted with a hand to his shoulder. "-kay, Cas?" he blinked at the sound of his name and looked into Dean's dark eyes, taking quick breaths. He slowly lowered his hands and stared intensely at him.
"Mark," he whispered, his eyes flitting to the floor for a moment as if he could see Hell open up below to swallow them whole.
"What?" Dean asked.
"Mark." His blue eyes latched onto Dean's again. His hands shakily pulled up the human's sleeves and he pressed his hand to the mark that cast a red outline over his fingers with wide eyes. "You have been Marked by Hell."
Dean jerked out of his touch and backed away slowly, sliding his feet across the floor. "You would remember that, wouldn't you?" His voice was rough but quiet and he accentuated his words with short jerks of his head. Running through his mind, as if he too saw what Castiel saw, was the pained screams of all the victims he tortured, all the blood he reveled in cutting. It was too much, too soon.
"Dean," Castiel muttered, stepping closer with a pitying look.
"No, please. Castiel stop!" He froze at Dean's forceful command and watched him through his eyelashes that was both a vulnerable and strong glance. Dean had to turn away from the power his eyes had over him. "Don't, just don't. I'm not ready to."
"Please forgive me, Cas."
"All of these years, I tried so hard...all I had to do was die."
Castiel bit his lip as those whispers from before came hauntingly back to his mind. His eyes felt excessively wet and he had to blink them a few times. "If I tell you that I have always Forgiven you, will you promise me you won't...die?"
Dean picked his head up and twisted his face into one of his confused-out-of-his-mind, am-I-hearing-you-right faces. "What?"
"When I, uh, was taking too long to decide, a sister of mine sent me on a trip to the future to view what would happen if I ultimately refused. You were in a hospital, hooked up to many, many machines and at first thought of me as a Reaper." He took a testing step forward. "You...spoke of a Dying Wish and desire to see me one last time, I assume to ask me Forgiveness since that is what you did.
"I am not God, it is not in my power to decide who has Forgiveness," he explained slowly, trying to make Dean understand the full impact his future self did not receive in time. "But something compelled me and I did, despite the possible cost, Forgive you. And then," he closed his eyes and looked away as if that would prevent it from being true. "You rammed yourself into a knife."
"I killed myself?" Dean echoed as Castiel turned to face Sam now.
"I apologize for my behaviour, I'm still not...used to emotions and I am sorry for your daughter. She was one of the seals,"
"I had a daughter?" he said, his face softening.
"Her name was Mary," he granted further. "It was obvious you loved her. She grew up...normal." Sam looked at the floor again, swallowing furiously and nodding.
"Wait, just hold on a minute, a seal? There's more seals?" Dean ran a hand through his hair and pointed at Castiel, raising his voice. "Dammit! Let me guess, you guys want me to go spread myself out again on a hunt to stop them from being broken while Sammy has to make sure he doesn't get a girl pregnant!"
"Dean," Castiel tried to interrupt, keeping his head down as if that could deflect his anger.
He laughed harshly. "Thanks for the great vacation. I spent a year, a whole damn year, making my brother and Bobby's life miserable as we worked our asses off just to find you! Then you just beam yourself down here, mind freshly swiped of all your fucking good qualities and act like a big dick again. And I wanted to..." He shook his head at the angel's expectant eyes.
"No, you know what? Fuck you." He snarled, his own glinting. "Fuck you and the big stick back up your ass. You and your angel pals you've gotten so close to can go fight this damn future war of yours, I'm done. And this time, I mean it." He brushed past Castiel and grabbed Sam by the arm. "Come on, Sam, I'm sorry I got you into this mix."
The lights flickered and the whole house trembled under their feet. "You think I was living in Paradise all this time, Dean?"
Dean took two slow turning steps to face Castiel, the thump of his shoes clearly audible, and raised his eyebrows at him. "Isn't that what it's called?"
"I was Punished, Dean, Punished the whole time. For you." Castiel bit out gruffly, light bulbs blowing out with a high-pitched crash. "Strung up on a cross and nailed to it. For you. I was whipped over and over. For you. My wounds constantly being re-opened and bleeding. All for you. It may not hurt the most but it was still hell, I still suffered hell for you and I didn't even know who you were! That is not Paradise."
"So what, you want me to feel sorry for you?" Dean looked like he pondered it for a moment and then frowned and shrugged. "Nah, not gonna happen. Not when you're trying to drag me back into the messes your kind make!" He shouted.
"Dean, would you just shut up for a minute." The three turned to face the newcomer in the doorway.
"Anna?" Dean asked, startled. "I thought you- you died?"
She ignored him and walked towards Castiel and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Castiel, you have to calm down." Castiel set his chin defiant. This anger coursing through him made him strong and hot. He felt invincible, powerful and mighty, he did not want to give this up. Not in front of this newer Anna whom was still his superior. He could take her down.
Anna's eyes grew cold, she probably heard that last thought. If not, all of them. "Listen to me, Castiel," she repeated, taking on a deadly tone infused with Command. Her breath strained against him, trying to rip itself out it seemed, and he gasped under the duress. He closed his eyes and shuddered at the awful sickness it created inside him. The strength his anger provided cooled and died like a wet fire but the emotion itself still burned fiercely.
Reluctantly, he took a deep breath and glared at Dean before exhaling. Dean was making his mission miserable and confusing. The human was perhaps the most perplexing thing he had ever encountered and it had been only a few minutes in his time. And the worst part was, that for all of his irritating insolence and anger, he wanted to know more about him. He felt compelled to understand this creature of God and he felt like they had the potential to be more alike than he desired.
The room stopped shaking. He turned back to Anna with his jaw set and his fists clenched, hidden in his sleeves. He liked Defiance out of Anger, but now he knew it must be placed in moderation around Anna. At least for now. "I have found him. Now what?" He bit out gruff.
"Yeah, now what?" Dean said, strolling towards the two angels. "Going to have yourself an angel party while you send me out to do all your dirty work?" Anna glanced at him and then back at Dean.
"You told him?" She whispered furiously. Castiel shifted his weight guiltily. Rules were still rules, and with breaking out of his Punishment and stealing a vessel over his head, he really shouldn't have bent any more. Especially since each step was closer to the act of Falling. "Castiel, I did not show you the future so you could just tell him every detail! There is a reason why it is called Fate, he must not know,"
"Yeah, and you guys sure are big on details. Gotta get the whole picture nice and pretty," Castiel's jaw twitched, for some reason, Dean's comment rubbed him the wrong way and it itched like it wasn't the first time he'd said so.
"Stay out of this, Dean, please," he said trying to be civil, casting a pleading look over his shoulder. Dean threw his hands up and took a step back to humour him, trying to ignore what those eyes brought up in his memories.
"No," Anna said suddenly, looking at Dean and then Sam as if she just noticed that they were privy to anything she said. "We'll talk later, when you're alone and I know exactly where you are." She leaned closer to Castiel and pressed her lips to his ear.
"Until I call, stay here and watch him." Her voice was firm and final, each word standing by itself. "Do not let him leave your sights or there will be hell to pay," She jabbed a finger into his stomach and the breath there stirred again like before, this time just as a warning and less nauseating.
Castiel just nodded meekly and she stepped back with a small smile before popping out. Dean gave a low whistle shortly that gained his attention. "So, you and Anna? Didn't see that coming,"
Castiel froze with a mortified look. "The idea of Anna and I is just...wrong." He looked down and didn't voice his thoughts that her every action felt wrong, changed somehow like she wasn't herself anymore.
"Yeah, wrong." Sam said, nudging Dean in the shoulder. Dean fixed him a look and he shut up, minding his own business with a frustrated sigh.
"Well, boys, if you're up to it- what the hell happened to my kitchen! Outta the way, son," Bobby said, wheeling past Sam.
"I am sorry, I should have controlled my anger," Castiel said earnestly. He could sense, out of them all, that this man would be the most sympathetic during this situation.
"You, you're back?" Bobby turned to Sam and Dean and then back. "Well? Did you two kiss and make-up?" Castiel paled and Dean just glared at the floor, crunching a piece of glass underneath his boots. "Guess not. Well, that's too bad. 'Course, you're Winchesters; what was I thinking that things were ever gonna be easy?"
"He wants me," Dean ground out slowly. "To stop more demons from breaking more seals. How the hell am I supposed to apologize to that sorry son of a bitch if he expects me to do that all over again, Bobby!"
"For starters, how about we ask him, you idjit!" Bobby shouted back. "So, Castiel, what is it you want?"
Castiel blinked at him, shifting slowly back to Dean. He sucked in his bottom lip a tad and his blue orbs darted around wide-eyed. "I've, I've never-" he stopped, unable to speak as he looked at Dean and his chest hurt. He looked down and saw his hand clenching painfully at his chest and he stared at it as if it was something apart from him. He tried viewing Sam; he could hear his vessel's heart beating loudly in his ears still and finally turned to Bobby. It was much easier to address him than either Winchester boy.
"I don't want," he stated, leaving it at that neither denying nor consenting to the charges since he didn't know his full orders yet. He also wasn't sure if he should tell any human more information on anything, having already broken that rule just earlier in terms of their future.
"Well ain't that just peachy," Dean began quietly. Bobby swivelled around in his chair to face him, lurking next to, almost in his brother's shadow.
"I used to remember a time when you gave that angel respect whether you were pissed at him or not, boy," he responded, leaving Castiel to wonder why things changed so much. Everything seemed to change, not just Anna and Heaven but Earth too and he had a sinking feeling that it was centred around him. "Anyways, I found a case nearby for you two yahoos to check out if you felt up to it."
"Oh, we're up for it, we're definitely up for it," Dean said in his confidant manner.
Sam sighed and shrugged hopelessly. "I guess we're up for it, Bobby." Bobby looked between the both of them and sighed as well.
"Good. It would be nice to finally have you both out of the house but," he hesitated before looking directly at Dean. "Are you sure you're ready?"
"Bobby, I'm fine," his eyes passed over to Castiel's form on their own. "I can handle myself and if not...that's why I bring Sammy along."
"Gee, thanks," Sam muttered, but the comment rolled off him like it was just another drop of rain. "So, what is it, Bobby?"
"I'm thinking it's either ghosts or possession of some type, something real simple to get you back into the game." Dean grimaced for a moment and then looked over at the lonely angel whom was still just standing in the same spot since Anna arrived. He sighed.
"Fine. Sounds great, Bobby, thanks," he tried to sweeten the sound of sarcasm in his voice and still got an evil eye from Bobby. "Take care of Cas, will ya?" He left without hearing any more about their so-called case, he just really needed to get out of there, away from Castiel, away from the memories.
He sat alone in his Impala, deep in his own little world, replaying the scene of their first goodbye over and over again like a torturous film dedicated to the biggest mistake in his life. He didn't even notice when Sam slid into the passenger's seat beside him.
"Hey, you sure you're alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." He said after realising he was being spoken to. He turned the key to his baby. "Sometimes, even I can't- Jesus, Cas!" Dean jumped, looking out the window scowling as the car purred under his fingertips. "Get a fucking bell, will ya?"
"I thought you couldn't find us," Sam said simply, tired of the awkward cat-and-mouse his brother was playing at. He wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth; it was Dean's fault if he wanted to be a stubborn ass about things.
Castiel sighed. "I can't. Someone must have put an Enochian sigil on you,"
"Yeah, you did. Carved it into us like meat," Dean responded, curling his lip and looking at him through the rear-view mirror.
The angel blinked. "I apologize, I do not remember doing so."
"So, how come you're here now?" Sam interjected before Dean could make another snide remark.
"I...do not know," he said, looking like the words were distasteful to him as he spoke. He paused and stared at the roof as if the answer was inscribed there or something equally distracting. "There was something...familiar about the place. I was drawn to it."
"That's not what he meant. Why are you here, Castiel?" Dean said, giving in to Sam's not so subtle ploy but not without giving his brother a long, withering glance. "Why are you suddenly back?"
"I am on orders."
"Whose orders?" He asked, sparing a quick look from the road.
"Anna's,"
"Back to the old pecking order, eh?"
Castiel peered at Dean curiously before giving a small nod. "Anna has always been my superior,"
Sam laughed. "Not when you tried to kill her, she wasn't,"
"I would never harm my sister," he deadpanned, looking at the younger brother. "She told me I committed sins of the flesh, not attempted murder." Dean coughed, trying to cover up his choking noise. Castiel continued. "She also said it was with the same human she fornicated with."
"Oh, god," Dean moaned. "God is out to get me."
"But I thought you said that I was the one who would be wanting to Smite you," Castiel asked innocently as Sam had to bite his lips and look away to prevent any laughter escaping. He knew he would pay dearly for it later if he didn't and he wasn't sure if he could handle Dean at this pissed off level. It was way worse than when he had to deal with Michael.
"New plan. Screw any immediate orders from Heaven; as soon as we finish this case, we are getting your damn memories back."
Castiel shut his eyes, an overwhelming sense of fear flooded through him and all he wanted to do was stop. The engine in the car suddenly stilled and wheezed a slow death and Dean swore. "Not now, baby, not now."
"Dean," Castiel whispered on the verge of a whimper. "Do not search for a way to return my memories. They will be...painful."
Dean stilled like his car and closed his eyes like he was in pain himself. "How would you know, Cas?" he barely mumbled out. The air became very thick and heavy and depressing and Sam awkwardly made his way out as quietly as he could.
"I'm just going to...you guys better...Dean," he eventually just sighed, shutting the door and taking a nice long walk far away from those two. He could finally breath without them staring at each other constantly again. But it was worse because Castiel was clueless again, which meant even heavier, non-blinking stares, and Dean was super-pissed and horny, and that meant even more heated glares on his side. But of course, Dean would never admit that as of now, so he would have to be the one to put up with a very moody and constantly irritable big brother hell-bent on wading through his guilt and lust and anger by screaming and picking fights and almost dying. That was the Dean Winchester way and frankly, Sam was getting tired of it.
"How," Dean continued, his throat raw with emotion, once he felt that Sam had gotten far away enough. It was hard enough with Castiel back, he didn't want to break down and expose all of his true emotions in front of his brother. God, it was hard enough trying to stay angry at Castiel especially when the poor bastard didn't know how much of a dick he had been to the angel before. The guilt was literally eating away at him, making it impossible to even pretend to be mad. But he had to go through the motions for Sam, for Bobby. They didn't know how hard he had been hit, how much he had been in pain, how true it was that just living for him was hell without Castiel. They couldn't know, they wouldn't understand.
He knew that they knew he was acting, pretending to be his normal self. He knew that they could see it was all an act but that they didn't care because he was trying. He knew that they couldn't possibly know that even his dreams were nightmares, that he only slept for two hours max and spent the rest of the night or day a mix between weeping or praying, that every time he was alone he was trying to find a way to die that would seem completely accidental. Fuck, it hurt him just to breath, to blink and know that every time he did, his angel wasn't going to pop in any time soon. And if he hadn't gone to Hell, he wouldn't have known the difference.
Angels were so much more worse than demons because they were just so pure. He had taken something that wasn't his and treated it with more affection than he had ever though possible to come from him and then ripped that all away bare like a really adhesive band-aid. And for what? He didn't even know why he did that. All he knew was that he was stressed and panicked and he wanted to drive everyone away from him as if that would lesson the carnage. But that didn't excuse anything that he said or did to the angel. Somehow, he knew he was suffering the pain Castiel went through and he knew that to end it he had to make things right. Starting with getting Cas' memories back at any cost.