Faithfully
A/N: Alright so I am back, people!
This chapter was supposed to be super long, but I ended up cutting it, off. lol. I hope you guys like it, it was a really emotional thing to write so I was happy to tackle and finish it!
BTW:This chapter is named after the kiss song "Beth."
Disclaimer: Ha, yeah right!
Chapter 15
It was not shocking to Rachel that Quinn did not offer a word on their car ride to Beth's party.
It did not stun her to any proportion that the blonde was watching out of the passenger window with eyes of blankness and surveying the once familiar town.
It just unnerved her.
Rachel was growing concerned, wondering if maybe it wasn't such a good idea for them to do this, she was backtracking and wondering if maybe this was too big of a first step for the woman that she loved so much.
It was absolutely maddening, she felt shaking and queasy as she drove and it had nothing with her paranoia of car crashes.
She continued to watch the road and interchange her gazes from the concrete to the female in the front seat, watching the long fingers trail over the spot on her neck where a necklace would normally take refuge.
It was a completely quiet car ride, and it was getting to the brunette.
There wasn't much time until they reached Shelby's house and she wondered if Quinn would freak out when they pulled up, she wondered if she would have to restrain her…or simply disappoint her daughter and shove the blonde back into the vehicle so that they could make a speedy getaway.
She was contemplating and sketching several ideas in her head.
But she just couldn't wrap her mind around any of them, because she knew how much the little girl wanted to meet her biological mother, she knew how much the blonde needed to see and connect with her daughter and how difficult it would be for her to gain closure with the issues involving the little girl, so she hoped that the chance for her to connect with her would be today.
But she couldn't say she wouldn't be surprised if the woman could not go through with it.
The Fabray pride would definitely take over on instinct, but she still recognized the scared and cowardice Quinn Fabray from high school. The girl had many traits of bravery and may qualities of a strong and powerful woman, until it came to making decisions that would benefit her true happiness and not the approval of others.
It had dimmed down over the years, but you could still find the quirks here and there.
This was one of those times.
She watched her eyes shade different colors of fear and concern and realized that the woman was going through so much that it was causing her to have an absolute moment of terror.
Rachel then took the initiative to pull over on the side of the road, and when Quinn looked at her with questioning eyes, she sighed.
"Quinn, what's wrong?"
The blonde's eyes continued to furrow in perplexity, and the hazel pupils darted back and forth between the brown orbs that were searching her for a moment of clarity.
"Rachel? There isn't…"
"Quinn, if you feel that you need to lie to me to make yourself appear stronger, you are more than welcome to. But I am informing you that we will sit here in this very spot until I get you to be completely truthful with me."
It was almost surreal how well the Jewish woman knew her.
Quinn turned to the window to glance out at the cars flying past them, and she wondered if her nerves were even worth the trouble.
She felt a flurry of things.
She felt scared, and she felt incompetent. She felt that this was a mistake; she felt that she was stepping into a field of something that she wasn't sure she was ready for and it was starting to get to her.
It was ripping her apart to think about the little girl that had put all her faith in the possibility of seeing this tattooed and broken version of her birth mom. She was still trying to make herself understand that her daughter wanted to know her, and she was having some serious trouble accepting that fact.
She still felt that she wasn't worthy of the girl. She still felt that her mistakes were surpassing her situation now, and that it would always be that way. Maybe she was crazy for allowing her mind to get there. But years of dysfunction had completely torn her mind to pieces when it came to anything that happened in her past.
But she didn't want her daughter to be that anymore, she didn't want her stupidity and her parent's inability to love, to make her daughter out into just something of her past. She was ready to change that. She was ready to rectify the mistakes that she had taken responsibility for making.
It was just honestly amazing that one look from her girlfriend made her come to terms and realize that she was scared to go back, scared of more rejection, of more judgment and it was hindering her from doing what she wanted to do. It was hindering her from doing the right thing.
She turned back to Rachel and reached her hand to lace her fingers with the brunette's.
"I'm scared."
Rachel watched the sea of emotions flutter across the flush tone of her face and she gave a look of empathy. She watched her girlfriend close her eyes, squeeze them shut with the hope of maybe getting rid of the trepidation she felt sinking throughout her body, throughout her veins.
"I'm scared that she won't…like me. I'm scared that she won't want to know me after she realizes who I am. What if she decides that she doesn't forgive me? What if she decides that I don't deserve her in my life…I don't. Or even worse, what if Shelby feels that I am intruding?"
Rachel raised her lover's hand to her mouth and pressed a kiss to her knuckles.
"Quinn…those are all just what ifs. Beth has been dying to know you, Shelby wants you in her life and she is going to be perfectly fine with you two having a relationship. Baby you are psyching yourself out before you get a chance to even try. I have watched Beth grow, and throughout her growing up she has wanted to know you. She has asked for it every year, just like she wrote you in her letter. She needs you…she needs her mother." Rachel said softly and she watched a tear leak from her girlfriend's eyes.
"Is that how you feel about Shelby?"
Rachel smiled sadly, thinking of the mother whom she had begged years ago for a relationship and had been turned away from up until now.
"It is exactly how I feel about Shelby." She ran her thumb across the skin of the blonde, watching the movement of their hands together before she spoke, "I love my dads, Quinn. They raised me into the person I am…but I will always need my mother, no matter what."
It was those words that struck a chord within Quinn.
Quinn, now understood the reason for Rachel's disappointment at the lack of Shelby's love their junior year of high school. She understood why it was such a big deal despite the fact that she had never met Shelby, for them to bond and have something even though her dads were her life.
Because that's exactly why she resented her own mother.
Her own mother had abandoned their relationship in a very real, very different but similar sort of way. Her mother had been there the entire time, yet refused her daughter the same way that Rachel's mom had so long ago, and the same way she had been forced to refuse her own.
It was something that was pushing her daughter far away from her subconsciously.
It was that that made her realize that she needed this. She needed to cross this line with Beth, and she needed to do it for Rachel, and for herself.
She took a sigh, and leaned over to cup Rachel's cheek and press their lips together smoothly. She moved her mouth over the brunettes softly, feeling the girl sink into her body and slip her tongue into her mouth with quiet ease, reaching up to hold onto her arm.
They moved like that briefly, two bodies enclosed within one another, pouring love with each movement of their lips, with each stroke of their tongues. It was the calm that Quinn needed, the verification that everything was fine, that she was making the right decisions, and that with every decision she made…Rachel was going to be with her every step of the way.
"I love you, Quinn." She said softly, when they pulled away and the troubled blonde allowed a genuine smile to take up her features for the first time that day.
"And I love you Rachel. So much."
Rachel smiled at her before starting the car and continuing their journey to their destination. She drove with one hand while Quinn clutched her other, squeezing with all of her nerves as they grew closer to Shelby's home.
When they reached the large house in the suburbs, Rachel pulled into the driveway despite there being about twenty cars already there.
Quinn felt her body seize up at the notion of so many people being present, and she wondered what she was going to do. She was scared; she didn't want all of these people to see her. They would hate her; they would judge her for her actions. They would say that she was wrong for being there; she thought that it would be a small party; she didn't know that the entire town of Lima would be there. She tried to focus on deep breaths within her body, but slowly she could feel deep breaths turn into a tightening in her chest, and when her girlfriend moved to remove her seat belt she held onto her hand tightly.
"Rachel, there are so many people here."
"Of course Quinn, it's a birthday party." Rachel said confusedly, smiling. Wondering briefly why she felt like Quinn was going through labor and she was the unsuspecting husband holding her hand through it.
"Baby, if you squeeze my hand any tighter, you'll cut off the circulation and I'll never be able to hold a microphone again…"
Quinn sighed, "I didn't know there would be so many people here…they are all going to be watching me, watching us."
Rachel pulled her hand from Quinn's. "Quinn, they are just people. So what if they watch you. This is not about them. This about your daughter's birthday, this about you beginning a relationship with her, not about innocent and maybe slightly nosy children's party goers of Lima, Ohio."
Rachel placed her hand on her thigh, and stared firmly at Quinn, "We are bigger than this town, Quinn. We have been out of Lima for years, and it's safe to say that we have outgrown it. You are so much better than anyone in there who could possibly judge you for anything. Don't you dare even allow them to intrude on this moment. This is your life, and you are going to live and deal with it the way you see fit. I am here now, as well, and I will not let this place…ruin you again, understand?"
Quinn watched the fiery determination flow through the eyes of her lover and she realized that Rachel Berry, thick with determination and courageous with her feelings, was back in full force and fully devoted to being there for Quinn, even if it meant standing up for her and resorting to her abandoned obnoxious personality from so long ago.
Quinn couldn't help the laughter that escaped her throat.
"Down sexy tiger." She said patting her hand that was now squeezing her thigh to emphasize her words.
Rachel let her features relax with a sheepish smile before opening the door and grabbing her gift. She then walked to Quinn's side to open hers, and help her out of the car.
"You're ever the gentlemen, Rach." Quinn said jokingly, attempting to qualm her nerves.
"Why thank you. Chivalry is not dead contrary to popular belief." Rachel said, taking the wrapped box that Quinn had been nursing in her lap for her daughter.
They both turned to face the front door of the home and Rachel wondered briefly if she herself was ready for the twirl of events they were about to embark on.
Quinn took her gift in one arm, before she reached to grab onto Rachel's hand. They started a slow walk up the sidewalk, and reaching the door that only seemed so far away mere minutes ago brought up a fresh wave of nerves that Quinn wasn't even expecting.
She looked down at her appearance of her sleeveless jean dress. She had wondered if she should have covered her arms, but her girlfriend told her it would be better for Beth to see her exactly as she was.
She was concerned about the girl seeing her for exactly what she was, though.
It was a frightening situation with many outcomes.
Rachel stood on her tip toes and pressed a kiss to the blonde's forehead.
"You can do this."
Quinn swallowed, she sure hoped she could.
She briefly registered the noise of people and the sound of kids running around, laughter and feet stomping against the wood of a floor.
She heard the doorbell ring and she could have sworn sweat droplets were dripping down her head in preparation for who was going to open the door and she moved to put herself behind Rachel.
The door opened to reveal what could only be described as an older version of her girlfriend.
The long dark hair and defined cheekbones and most importantly deep brown eyes greeted her and she registered that everything about Rachel as far as features went, came from her mother.
The eyes of the woman changed briefly, it went from the happiness at the sight of her daughter to wide with shock at the realization and recognition of whom was standing with her daughter. It could only be described as Shelby had never in a million years expected to see Quinn Fabray standing in the doorway behind her daughter for her adoptive daughter's, the blonde's biological child's, birthday.
It was something that only happened it movies.
It was the theatricality that they had watched the woman teach only years ago to their opposing glee club.
Rachel smiled, holding onto Quinn's hand behind her back, "Hi mom."
The woman was at a loss for words until the address from her daughter, and it seemed the sound of her voice snapped her gaze back down towards the shorter woman and she smiled nervously accepting an embrace from her.
"Rachel, it's good to see you…made it." She was looking at her daughter for an explanation and it registered in Quinn's mind that the woman had absolutely no idea that she was going to be here with her daughter.
"You didn't tell her I was coming, did you?" Quinn said knowingly leaning down to her girlfriend's ear with a raised eyebrow and the brunette laughed nervously, pulling the blonde woman to stand beside her, before looking up at her.
"I thought the element of surprise would be best for this situation." She stated matter of factly and Quinn rolled her eyes.
Shelby face Quinn now, staring into her hazel eyes with a look that could only be described as extreme gratitude. It was the same look she remembered giving Quinn that day when she stood in the window of the nursery watching the little girl toss and turn in her pink blankets.
"Quinn…it's so good to see you."
It was the most genuine thing Quinn had ever heard come out of the woman's mouth and she almost looked as if she'd get emotional despite the awkward position the blonde felt she was in, and before she could open her mouth to respond she was engulfed in an embrace.
The blonde stared with wide, confused eyes. Feeling the hands of the woman rub her back soothingly, and she wondered briefly what to do with her own hands, before she settled them on the back of the woman, patting awkwardly in the position, trying to form a more relaxed version of her body. And she bit her lip and closed her eyes before speaking, "It's really…good to see you too, I'm uh…sorry that this is so sudden, and I-I probably should have called, or gotten Rachel to tell you…but..I-I hope its okay for me to even be here-"
Shelby pulled back from the embrace and Quinn then noticed the tears that were most definitely falling from her eyelids.
"Oh Quinn…it is more than okay for you to be here, you're the most important person that will probably ever be here." She said softly and she grabbed her now vacant hand at her words making Quinn suck in a breath at the reality of her statement.
Shelby closed her eyes overwhelmed with emotion, before using her other hand to grab onto Rachel's as well. "Thank you…thank you both. This is the only thing she's ever asked for…thank you."
Quinn could feel it becoming too much, she could feel herself unraveling at the emotions that were threatening to seize and take control of her body.
Rachel looked at her mother with a smile. And Shelby then laughed, "Oh my god, I'm standing here blubbering like an idiot and I should be inviting you in…oh let me take your gifts. Quinn you really didn't have to…you being here is enough."
Quinn clutched the heavy box to her when Shelby reached to take hers along with Rachel's. "I, um…want to hold onto it. I want to give it to her personally. If that's okay?" She said with a small smile and Shelby nodded with sincerity.
"That's perfectly fine, you may come in girls."
She turned and Rachel cast a glance at her lover, who was tense with the severity and reality of the situation.
She was going to see her daughter.
She laced their fingers together before leading the way into the familiar house that she visited every year for this very occasion. Quinn's eyes raked over the bodies of all the people, of all the parents watching their kids run around them with party hats and some glanced back at her, some spoke to Rachel but she couldn't even bring herself to register who they were or to get to know them.
She was worried about one thing, the entire reason that she had even agreed to her journey in the first place.
She felt herself get antsy, felt the sweat start to form on her palm, and Rachel pulled her to stand off to the side, next to a wall in the house, giving her a moment to breathe. And then, that's when she heard a small strangely familiar voice.
"Rachel!"
She let go of Rachel's hand to allow the brunette to catch the fiery ball of blonde that had jumped into her arms, and Quinn knew.
She felt that overwhelming sense of love take over her body, she felt herself grow nervous and her throat tightened up as she watched her daughter pull back from her tight embrace of her girlfriend.
It was the first time she had laid eyes on the girl since she was born and Quinn felt her knees go weak.
She was a spitting image of her.
Her blonde hair was curled, and lay over her shoulder in a side ponytail and she had fiery eyes and pursed lips. She was talking animatedly with Rachel and smiling a wide smile that seemed to be completely mapped from Quinn when she was younger.
There was no sound.
The world seem to stop around them and Quinn could not speak, she could not make herself respond or address the little girl in any form, she was completely enthralled with the sight of her.
And then those same eyes, locked on Quinn's.
And the world literally did stop.
She didn't know if everyone around them noticed, how the two girls shared a look that was nothing short of identical while realizing who the other was staring at.
It was the pure recognition of a mother and her child.
Quinn watched as the girl slid from the arms of Rachel, and moved to slowly stand in front of her, looking up at her with eyes of complete shock and understanding. It was a gaze that Quinn was sure she had given many people in many circumstances. She realized that her body had gone completely still and she was actually feeling hot under the intense gaze of the thirteen year old little girl.
She didn't even feel her mouth open, and her ears took a little longer to catch up with the sound she was making and she grasped onto the idea that she softly uttered, "Beth…"
And then the little girl moved like lightening and before the older blonde knew it, she was catching the girl as she jumped into her arms, her free limb wrapping around her waist and she didn't remember Rachel taking the box from her hand, she just remembered feeling tears touch her neck and her arms squeezing the little girl to her body as tightly as possible.
She feels the little girl letting out quiet little cries and she can only make out the incoherent words of the girl's sobbing.
"Mom…I knew you'd come…I knew you'd come, mom."
Quinn felt tears sting her eyes and she allowed them to fall freely as she cradled her daughter, the true love of her life, the little girl she was forced under unimportant circumstances to give up.
She held her daughter and they cried together, she sucked in deep breaths of air as her tears fell fast and hard as her little girl hung onto her for dear life, as if…if she let go, she wouldn't come back.
So Quinn held on to her too. She held on and she buried her face into her little girl's blonde hair, kissing it and speaking words that might have made no sense to anyone else but meant so much to her.
She whispered fervently to the little girl, "I'm here Beth…I'm here."
Because she was there. And she should have been there days, weeks, months, years ago. But that was the past. All of her mistakes and all of things she missed out on was being cast to the place of the past. And holding on to this thirteen year old little girl that she had given birth to was making her understand that she was never going to let her go and she was from now on going to spend every waking moment of her life that she possibly could making up for everything in her life that she could manage to make up for.
She was going to build the greatest relationship with her daughter that she could.
The relationship that Shelby should have built with Rachel and the relationship that her mother should have built with her.
She was going to clarify and rectify her debts, while also fulfilling the holes of the depths of the people in her life that needed to be filled. She was going to forget about what she used to be, she was going to forget about whom she used to be and the people that made her that way and she was going to embrace this moment, right now. This moment of her standing in the middle of her daughter's birthday, reuniting with her for the first time in thirteen long years.
The little girl pulled her head from her mother's neck before looking at the woman, she raised her hand to flatten her small palms against either side of Quinn's face. "It's really you."
Quinn laughed a watery laugh, smiling through her tears at the little girl. "And it's really you…you're beautiful, you know?" she said softly looking at the girl, and holding her closely still to her body.
"I look just like you."
Quinn nodded at the girl, and she watched the dark eyes as they shared a look before Quinn closed her eyes and let out a sigh.
The little girl slid from her arms and stood before her, and she pulled her mother's hand, beginning to lead her past the silent partygoers and away from Rachel, and Shelby, and anyone else.
They reached a room, that was donning a gold star with Beth written on it in cursive and Quinn had to laugh at the parallel and influence between her daughter and her girlfriend.
She opened the door and pulled Quinn into a room filled with pink…everything. There was a microphone stand, and posters of different musicals, signed with the star's names that Quinn assumed were gifts from Rachel.
She noticed the different photos of her and Puck and her and Shelby and several pictures of the little girl and Rachel, and Quinn realized that she had missed so much.
She even noticed Puck's guitar sitting on a stand in a corner a long paragraph, signed 'Daddy' scripted on the wood.
The little girl shut the door, before sitting on her bed and looking up at her mother who was still staring around at all the photos, at all the memories that she had missed out on and the little girl followed her gaze.
"I spend a lot of time with Rachel in the summer." The little girl said at the sight of all the signed playbills and photos.
Quinn smiled despite her free flowing tears.
"Your room looks just like hers did…" She whispered, and she ran her hand through her blonde curls.
Quinn placed her hand on her neck before she turned to kneel down in front of the little girl on the bed. She stared into the dark eyes that were obviously Puck's and she placed her hand on her small face, pulling her forehead to her own and the two identical women shared a look filled with so much meaning, so much emotion…that nothing could ever have even attempted to penetrate it.
Quinn opened her mouth, silent nothings emptying from the opening before she breathed a soft whisper,
"I'm sorry, Beth…I'm so sorry."
She couldn't stop herself from having the breakdown that happened, she couldn't prevent the tears from falling so hard and she could stop her head from bowing brokenly as she sobbed her sorrow and cried her guilt out at leaving her daughter, at giving her child away despite her need to keep her.
Her daughter's small hands stroked her hair in a comforting way, comforting her mother, understanding her mother that she had only just met mere minutes before.
It was a moment that was indescribable, it was absolutely and totally incomprehensible the bond that was being pulled together between the offspring and her mother. It was electric, the way the two girls were allowing this moment to be so emotional and so free.
Quinn couldn't help the sounds of her cries, she couldn't stop herself from looking so broken and come apart in front of her daughter.
It was how she felt.
She cried for a good minute until the little girl, used her hands to guide her face upwards so that she could look into her mother's eyes the same way she had looked into hers.
The girl used her thumbs to wipe away the tears that had fallen, and she smiled at her mom.
"Please don't cry mom…everything's okay now."
Quinn watched the girl, before taking a deep breath. "I'm just so sorry…Beth I never wanted to hurt you, I never wanted you to think that I didn't want you."
The smaller blonde girl smiled at her words. "I know you wanted me, mom. Rachel and mommy made sure that I knew that. But you are still my mom, no matter what, and I really want you in my life. They told me that there were some things, and people that influenced you into giving me up and I understand that you were only a teenager…and daddy says that you and him weren't together when you guys had me, so the only thing that I've ever wondered is, was I a mistake?"
Quinn shook her head furiously at the girl's words and moved to lean back on her heels. "Beth, you could never have been a mistake in my life. I was young and stupid…but I loved you with all of my heart and soul, and daddy loved you too. We still do."
She looked at the blonde girl with the dark eyes, who was smiling at her mother's genuine words, and Quinn leaned up to place her hands on the bed on either side of her daughter.
"You are my first baby, my first born…I'll always love you. I…I hate that I didn't have the courage to enter your life sooner, but I want to be here now, if you're okay with that?" Quinn said softly, questioning.
The little girl looked at her mother with an excited grin, and happy eyes and reached forward to wrap her arms around her neck tightly.
"That's the only thing I've ever wanted every year for my birthday…thank you."
Quinn closed her eyes, breathing in the little girl, and rubbing her daughter's back soothingly. The little girl stayed like that, silently hugging the woman until she spoke softly,
"I love you, mom."
Quinn felt her heart beat fast at the sound of the words and she squeezed her eyes together, feeling tears fall yet another time that day.
"And I love you too, Beth."
It was a moment filled with an impenetrable emotional thickness that was probably the most poignant moment to ever inhabit Quinn's life.
They stayed like that for a while, mother and daughter hugging one another, reveling in the realism and the depth of the moment that they were sharing.
Away from the world, away from the past.
It was interrupted by a knock at the door, and the two blonde's looked to see the smiling face of Rachel holding out Quinn's present.
"Sorry to interrupt, but Quinn, I thought you might want to give this to Beth now?"
Quinn smiled at her girlfriend, before standing to her feet to take the box from the woman. She shared a look with the brunette before nodding at her to leave and as the door shut softly, she turned back to Beth.
"Mom, you didn't have to get me anything…you were the only present I wanted."
Quinn laughed, "Consider that Rachel's present then, because she brought me with her. I um, never got to give you anything to remember me by when you were a baby…so I just thought I would have something made for you…I hope you'll like it."
She handed the heavy box to the girl, and she slowly tore the wrapping from the gift to reveal a mahogany box with her name carved in cursive atop it. There were purple gardenia's painted around it and the girl's eyes went wide.
"Wow, mom…this is beautiful."
"Open it," Quinn said looking at the box.
The little girl looked at her mother, before raising her hand to the latch, to unlock what was now recognized as a jewelry box and she pulled the top open to reveal red velvet inside. Music started playing upon the opening and Beth looked at her mother in confusion.
Quinn cleared her throat at the sound of the soft tinkering of the music and sang, "Beth, I hear you calling…but I can't come home right now. Me and the boys are playing, and we just can't find the sound. Just a few more hours, and I'll be right home to you. I think I hear them calling…oh Beth, what can I do?"
The little girl watched her mother as she sang and felt tears well up in her eyes. Quinn smiled reaching into the box to pull a necklace holding a locket, from the compartment, "Your daddy sang that song to me in the glee club when I was pregnant with you…and that's how you got your name. Whenever you open this box, I hope you hear it and think of us. And for when I am away," Quinn stood and climbed on the bed behind the little girl, reaching to clasp the silver necklace around her neck,
"This is for you to remember me."
The locket had 'Beth' engraved into it, and the little girl opened to see the same photo that Quinn now had of her holding Beth as a baby, the moment after she had given birth to her.
The little girl closed the locket before squeezing it into her palm and holding it to her heart. "Thank you so much, mom." She looked up at her mom, who had come to sit next to her and she reached up to hug her for one last time.
Quinn held the little girl to her chest, feeling tears touch her neck from the girl's eyes before she smiled, stroking the blonde curls.
"Happy birthday, Beth."
A/N: I am so emotionally drained after writing that, lol. I said that this would be the last chapter of the Lima trip, but I think we got one more and then we're finished. I've got some more things, Quinn needs to take care of.
Let me know what you thought of the reunion between Beth and Quinn!
REVIEW!
-Mimi