AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thanks for the reviews :) I know that I said I'd be going to a Monday-Thursday schedule, but in reading over this chapter, I realized that it sort of interrupted the plot with more "background" stuff, and I know some of you are excited for everything to really start moving, so I'm just going to post it today to get it out of the way. I promise, things will really pick up with Thursday's chapter!

CHAPTER FIVE

Logan had tried forgetting Kendall before, many many times before. Almost as soon as he'd been old enough to realize that he'd developed a crush, Logan started ducking Kendall as much as he could. He'd spend more time in the library at recess, more time with his projects at home, less time playing hockey. His phone would never seem to ring when Kendall called him, and every potential weekend sleepover would just happen to fall on a week when the Mitchells would be out of town. Whenever Kendall would bring it up, he'd be lost for an explanation. Surely, he couldn't have just told him the truth, right?

Mere months before they left for California.

Logan had spent the entire weekend doing experiments with his pet guinea pig, Strudels. Poking him and prodding him and feeding him and bathing him and measuring him and putting his cells under a microscope. Anything he could think of, he'd do, because he needed as many reasons as possible to stay home this weekend.

"Hey," his dad said, poking his head in to check on his son.

"Hey, Dad," answered Logan. "You'd be delighted to know that your hypothesis was right. Strudels did not grow an inch over night."

Mr. Mitchell smiled warmly, but he wasn't as concerned about Strudels' growth as much as he was concerned by whatever was going on with Logan.

"Logan, you'd tell us if anything was wrong, would you?" he asked awkwardly. "I mean...if you were having a problem with someone, you'd let us know, right?"

Logan looked up from Strudels' cage peculiarly. "Sure, Dad," he said. "Why would you guys think something was bothering me?"

Mr. Mitchell's nervousness wore off a little as he entered the room and sat on Logan's bed. "Well, you've been in your room all weekend long, and I know that the guys are spending a weekend out in the country at Brooke Diamond's cabin. I'm just trying to wonder why you'd pass up an opportunity like that."

Logan withdrew himself from the conversation. "I just didn't feel like it," he said with just a smidge of ice.

Mr. Mitchell watched as Logan fed more food to the guinea pig. He wasn't an idiot...he knew his son was having issues. Of course, whenever Logan was having problems, it'd almost always be connected to the other kids' habit of picking on him and ganging up on him, but he knew Kendall, Carlos, and James, and he knew that those boys were the best thing that had ever happened to his precious Hortense. It had to be something else...or maybe it was nothing at all. Just some average, petty adolescent drama. Nothing to get too worried about.

Logan's cell phone rang.

"Hey, Kendall," Logan answered. His voice shook a little, and he looked at his father with a sort of shooing look.

Mr. Mitchell took the hint and left the room, slowly closing the door. Maybe he and his wife had been worried over nothing.

"I'm glad you guys are having fun," Logan said to Kendall. "I...uh...I wish I could have been there, but...you know, family matters come first."

"Bullshit, Logan," Kendall interjected. Not mean, but not exactly sympathetic.

"What do you mean?" Logan asked, feeling the rug come out from under him.

"You pull out that same excuse every time I ask you to go anywhere," Kendall continued. "If you'd rather spend your weekend cooped up in that room torturing your pets, that's cool. Just don't fuckin' lie to me about it, for Pete's sake."

Logan was beside himself. How could he respond to that? Technically, he wasn't lying. His uncle was in the late stages of cancer, and the whole family had been on edge, but his mother had insisted over and over again that it'd be best for him to get out and get some fresh air.

"Kendall, I'm not lying! You know my uncle is sick..."

"Yeah, I know," Kendall said, finally letting go of some of his piss and vinegar. "I just don't know why you'd pass up spending the weekend with us. You do know that we're your friends, right?"

"Yes," Logan replied. Guilt began to set in on him. How could he have disappointed Kendall that way? How could he have disappointed all of his friends that way?

"And if you're worried about James and Carlos, I told you they're cool. They're not gonna bug you."

"Yeah, I know..."

There was a fleeting moment of quietness, broken by a question softly asked by Kendall. "If it was just me and you in a cabin in the woods, you'd have come, wouldn't you?" His feelings were evident in his voice...he asked the question not in a taunting way but as a plea. He needed to know that Logan hadn't skipped the trip because of him. He'd spent years trying to earn this guy's trust, trying to show him that people could be nice to him. Every time he'd blow Kendall off, it'd feel like a slap in the face.

Logan thought about it for a second. He didn't know what would be the correct answer, but he knew he had to say something.

"Yeah," he squeaked. "I'm sorry."

He hung up the phone.

Turning down the invite hadn't been easy. A weekend away with Kendall, James, and Carlos would have been nice. Swimming in the lake, hiking in the woods, really surviving on the elements like modern day pioneers. But then night would fall...and Kendall loved to be alone with Logan at night. They'd find a safe, quiet place in the woods, and they'd just sit and talk, but Logan would want more...and that want for more would have made it impossible for him to enjoy himself.

He knew he would have never been able to turn down an offer to spend the whole weekend alone with Kendall, though. That would have been too special, too magical. He would have regretted it, but he would have enjoyed it, because with no one else around, he could pretend that it really was him and Kendall as a couple, not him and Kendall as just friends. Delusional as it might have been. And maybe, just maybe, Kendall would have picked up on Logan's fantasies and played in to them, humored him. Of course, when they'd come back home, he'd be faced again with the reality of the situation as soon as Kendall dialed some girl's number.

It didn't matter. The trip was supposed to be a trip for all four of them, not just Logan and Kendall. Logan had turned it down, and as he went back to feeding Strudels, he knew he'd made the right choice.

If only he could stop feeling so damn guilty about it.

Sometimes it seemed like Kendall had a way of controlling Logan that no one else could possibly possess. Had it been James demanding Logan follow him to California, it would have never happened. Carlos, maybe, because he needed someone to protect him from himself. But with Kendall, there was never any question about it. If Kendall asked, Logan would go. And so it was.

Perhaps that was when his feelings had become more pervasive. He'd called Kendall an idiot for initially letting the chance to work with Gustavo Rocque pass him by, but that had been before he could really think about the repercussions such a move would have had on their friendship. The thought of Kendall, his protector, his comforter, his best friend, living nearly two thousand miles away...and the thought of their friendship being tested, only for them to grow up and apart, never to really know each other as fully matured men...that thought had basically enough power to make Logan walk the entire way from Minnesota to Los Angeles.

And, no matter what, Kendall would never reciprocate those feelings. Ever. And this was why Logan had come to Dr. Riley. So that there would be no feelings to reciprocate. But, so far? It wasn't looking good.

"Last time, you made it very clear what your goal was in this whole situation."

"Right," Logan said eagerly.

It was the usual set-up. The doctor on his desk, Logan on the couch. Logan had already explained to Dr. Riley how the previous session had affected him...how digging up the past only made things worse for him. He didn't want to sound ungrateful, but in a way, he felt he needed to nudge the doctor along to make him see that all he wanted was some solutions. If only the doctor could just tell him, in plain English, exactly what he needed to do to rid himself of Kendall's hold.

"I know it's going to be hard," he said, "but I'm willing to do whatever it is you think I should do."

"You're right. It will indeed be hard, but it's important to remember that it's not up to me to decide what you should do. What do you think you should do?" Dr. Riley inquired.

Logan shook his head. "I have no idea."

"Okay," Dr. Riley said, trying to come up with something, anything, that could help. "Your problem is that you have feelings for someone you don't want to have feelings for. Have you ever considered focusing your attention - all of the affection, and the emotions, and the love - on someone else?"

"Absolutely," said Logan. "Basically, any girl that I've been interested in over the last couple of years has been me trying to focus on someone other than Kendall. I figured, if only I could just fall in love with someone else, then Kendall wouldn't be a big deal anymore."

"I see," Dr. Riley said thoughtfully. "And have you had any success with that?"

"Heh," Logan chuckled. Of course he hadn't. That's why he was here. "Not really."

Dr. Riley braced himself before he asked the next question. In all of his years of doing this work, the one question that had always gotten the most unpredictable responses was the one he was about to ask. Some would get upset, some would just leave the room and never come back, yet some would answer in the most matter-of-fact way without ever flinching. He had somewhat of an idea of how Logan would react, but you could never be sure.

"Have you ever considered...another young man? One who isn't Kendall, but has Kendall-like qualities."

Luckily for him, Logan didn't take it too hard. That's not to say that he took it easily, though. He sat there for a second, thinking about it. In his mind, he knew the answer. Yes, he'd looked at other guys. Yes, he'd thought about how it would feel to be close to them, to touch them, to kiss them. He'd thought about it. But he'd thought the same things about girls, too, and with both genders, the same fundamental feeling was missing. They were all nice to look at, and probably nice to touch, but none of them had that special something Kendall had. None of them.

"Yes," Logan finally said. "Sure, I've checked other guys out. That's what teenagers with hormones do. But none of them are like Kendall...at all. Okay, so maybe, just maybe, there are other guys out there who are more conventionally attractive than Kendall. But I've never wanted anyone the way I want Kendall. No girl, no guy."

"Because your attraction to Kendall is much, much deeper than merely a physical one."

"Exactly. It's about more than that. It's way more than that."

"Maybe if you were to find the right person, an attraction can develop. Probably not as deep as the one you have toward Kendall, not now at least, but something for you to start with. Wasn't there a girl you told me about? Camille, her name was?"

"Camille," Logan said. He had liked her, but she had been so...irrelevant to all of this. Using her as an alibi with Kendall at the beach had been easy because there had been so few feelings tied to her. "That really wasn't a big deal. She moved to England, and I haven't heard from her since."

"I see," Dr. Riley said. "You live at the Palm Woods, correct?"

"Yes."

"All right. There are a lot of young people there. Has there been anyone who has stood out to you?"

Logan considered the question for a second. There were attractive people at the Palm Woods, definitely. The Jennifers were chic and sexy. Guitar Dude was adorable. Various other residents were beautiful and nice and gorgeous and sweet and pretty and friendly. But none of them seemed to matter.

"Not really. I mean...I'm gonna sound like a broken record here, but the only person I ever think about is-"

"Kendall."

"Right."

Dr. Riley sighed. He finally had something to work with. "Well, have you ever thought about whether or not you're giving others a fair chance? I know you have the history with Kendall, and you have years of feelings for Kendall, and I am not, in any way, saying that it will be easy for all of that to go away - if it ever does - but what I think you have to understand is that if you are looking for someone who is going to make you feel the same way Kendall does, you're not going to be very successful."

It was a tough pill to swallow for Logan, but he knew it was the truth. But how could a low-rent Kendall ever beat the real thing?

"You have to give these things some time," the doctor continued. "And I'm well aware of how much of a cliche that sounds like. But you can't turn your back on someone just because they haven't managed to do for you what it's taken several years for Kendall to do for you. You have to give them a fair chance. You have to let people in."

Logan took what the doctor said to heart, but the imposing thought was still there. He couldn't let other people in or give other people a fair chance because he was wrapped up in all things Kendall. If he could get rid of the Kendall obsession, then maybe he could find someone else.

He'd tried it with Camille, but Logan had always considered that akin to putting a bandage on a bullet wound. She had been an attempt to distract himself from Kendall, but that had crashed and burned, so now what? And besides...he couldn't imagine anyone ever caring for him the way Kendall did. The thought of approaching girls (or guys) just took him back to the dorky, gross "Hortense" days, when no one would touch him, much less want to date him.

He wasn't going to say any of this to Dr. Riley though. He could sense the older man getting just a tad bit impatient. Or maybe Logan was just paranoid. Either way, he really didn't want to disappoint anyone with his screwed up feelings and emotions, so he just nodded.

"You know," said Dr. Riley, "it would be nice if life was like a math problem, but it isn't. Sometimes when we compare life to other things, we tend to lose focus, we tend to lose sight of things. Math has rules that must be followed that lead you to a definite answer-"

"No, there are indefinite numbers."

"Indefinite numbers notwithstanding. Math has one answer. Life has many. We must find the answers that work for us."

"Which is what I'm seeing you for," Logan responded, not bitchy or snippy, but in a rather reverent way. "I'm counting on you, Doc."

Dr. Riley was flattered and chuckled. "Yes, well, I'm only human. Remember, the purpose of our sessions is for us to work together to find a solution to your problems."

The doctor walked over to his computer. "I believe it would do a whole deal of good for you to start focusing your attention on other things. Of course, the band is a big part of your life, and therefore, Kendall is a big part of your life. But work as hard you can to find a life outside of all of that. Get out, meet people, and in the process of focusing on other hobbies, you may even find yourself focusing on someone special. No, the years of feelings you have for Kendall won't just disappear over night, but perhaps occupying yourself with someone or something else can be a new beginning for you."

An entire week was blacked out on the calendar. "I'll be out of town for a conference all next week. Do you think you can go a little while longer than usual without my sage advice?"

"Heh," Logan let out. "I guess I have to."

"Fine. I'll put you down for the Monday after I return. Another three-thirty?"

Logan nodded.

Suddenly, he was questioning the wisdom of this whole thing. He figured a professional could help him. He figured he could come here, tell the man what he wanted, and have it delivered in thirty minutes or less. Couldn't he be hypnotized or something? Wasn't there some kind of ancient, Egyptian treatment he could take? Aromatherapy? He was starting to wonder how all of this talking was supposed to help.

He'd heard Dr. Riley's advice, though, and after the session was over, he continued to think about it. Dr. Riley had told him to find someone else or something else that could hold his interest and take his mind off of Kendall. Logan was a bookworm. He liked science and math and history, but Hollywood was so not that kind of town. Most of the people in the local academic organizations were senior citizens. Young people enjoyed the nightlife, but he wasn't a club person, and he only went to parties with...Kendall. So what was left for him to do?

He could just tell him, of course. He could just tell Kendall everything. To hell with the risk. What did he have to lose? He felt like he was running out of options, but that one stood and stared him in the face. He didn't want to lose Kendall's friendship, but if Kendall's friendship was only leaving him wanting more, maybe it was best to lose it.

This sucks, he thought. It all sucks.

Logan stood in a corridor near the Palm Woods pool, just watching the usual action. All kinds of people, young and old, enjoying the water on a hot sunny day. People with no worries and no cares in the world. Oh, to be like them, Logan thought. If only he could erase every single feeling of affection that he had for Kendall Knight.

If the world was perfect, the sensible thing to do would have been to go to Kendall and tell him how he felt. And then Kendall would smile, those epic dimples making one of their many, many appearances. He'd say, in that confident, headstrong Kendall voice, "Duh, I already knew that." They'd kiss...maybe a little more. Okay, definitely a lot more. But it'd be totally pure...absolutely, 100% pure love. The world, though, has never been, is not, and will never be perfect.

Carlos was taking a nap next to the pool, helmet firmly on head. Logan had been checking Carlos out for years. Who wouldn't? Okay, so he had a bad case of ADD. So it was hard to have a really good adult conversation with him. Whatever. He was hot. His body was perfect...just the right amount of thickness, just enough softness to put your arms around and just enough firmness for him to put his arms around you. Dark black hair, dark skin, and a gorgeous, if mischievous, smile. He was also very sweet and always very exciting.

But there was no reason in the world for Logan to think Carlos was gay, so what was the point? Not like he'd ever fall for Carlos the way he'd fallen for Kendall, anyway. Still, though, how could he focus his attention on someone else if he didn't know who was gay and who was straight? How could he be sure he wasn't barking up the wrong tree?

And, again, did it matter anyway, if he knew for certain that Kendall - and no one else - was the guy for him? Kendall was the one he talked to, Kendall was the one he hung with, Kendall was his protector, his best friend, his safety net, his everything. And, at times, he felt that he'd been Kendall's everything, too. When Mr. and Mrs. Knight had filed for divorced...Kendall had been broken. He'd never have let anyone else see him cry. Not his parents, not his sister, not James and Carlos. No one but Logan. He'd been the only one.

The memory invaded Logan's mind as he walked upstairs to their apartment.

A cold, cold February afternoon in Minnesota. One of those dreary, moody days that everyone thinks of when they think of a Midwestern winter. It had snowed all day. A glimpse out of any window, after the fog was wiped away, would render nothing but white and blue ice. One of those days.

"You guys stay warm," Mrs. Knight said as she bundled herself up. She hated to go out in such depressing weather, but she knew it wouldn't get any better any time soon, and she had to go pick Katie up from a play date. "If it starts snowing again, we'll just stay put over there until it's safe to come back. I'm sure you guys can find something to do without destroying the house...or each other."

She was soon gone, and the fifteen-year-old boys went to Kendall's room. Kendall turned on his newest video game and plopped down on his bed. Something was off with him, though. Usually, he was full of energy and life, but on this day, he was just drained. Everyone had those types of days, even Kendall, but Logan could sense that something wasn't right.

"What's going on with you?" he asked, conscious of the fact that Kendall wasn't always one to talk about his feelings but also conscious of the fact that if anyone could get Kendall to spill, it would be him.

"Nothing," Kendall said, as he brutally murdered Logan's character on the screen. "Except my stupid parents. They're getting a stupid divorce," he added without emotion. Every phrase was accented by a swipe of a Samurai sword. Logan's blood spewed everywhere.

Logan truly didn't know what to say. It was no secret that the Knight parents weren't a happily married couple, even to a kid like himself, but he'd never thought that they'd split up. "Wow," he said, suddenly feeling very sorry for his best friend.

Kendall shoved his joystick to the side and hung his head low, closing his eyes. They were coming...the droplets. They were just a few seconds away, and he didn't want Logan to see them. He never spoke of his feelings, but they raged around in his mind like rabid dogs, gnawing away at every single part of him. "This sucks," he groaned. The tears began to softly roll down his face..

"Kendall," Logan said thoughtfully, hit by the sight of the tears. He scooted closer to Kendall on the bed and put an arm around him. It felt...natural. At the immediate time of decision, there was not a single ounce of resistance in him that told him not to do it. So he did. And Kendall didn't push him away.

"They keep fighting about everything," said Kendall, letting the tears flow freely now. "They think Katie and me don't hear it, but we do."

"Come on, man," Logan said, rubbing Kendall's back. Restraint had crept into him and reminded him to keep his distance, to not let his own feelings come into play, but he still knew he had to be of some help. "It's not your fault, though," he told Kendall. That's what they would always say on television...the kid is never to blame.

"I'm worried about Katie," Kendall announced with a feigned sense of strength. He'd gotten over his initial stream of tears and gently tugged away from Logan's loving arms. "She's still young, and she isn't going to understand anything that's going on."

"Dude...Katie's a genius. I don't think you have to worry about her. She'll be all right."

"I know," Kendall said quickly, almost as if he hadn't meant to say it at all. So much for making Logan think that all of his heartache was for his little sister's sake.

Accepting that the brief moment of intimacy was now over, Logan slid a little bit away from Kendall. "Tell me what's going on."

Kendall drew in a deep breath. "They sat me down last night...pretty much gave it to me straight. They've tried to work it out, but it's not working out at all. They couldn't even talk to me last night without going at each other's throats." Tears started to form again, and Logan wrestled with whether or not he should offer his arms again. He chose not to.

Kendall continued. "Said they don't agree with each other anymore, they don't have anything in common anymore. The only reason why they were still together was because of us, but now they just can't do it anymore, so they're going their separate ways."

Logan's own lip started to quiver a bit. He felt so much for Kendall...to see him go through this was too much for him, and maybe had he been just a little bit weaker, he would have cried some himself. But restraint and self-control were always there.

"I know if my grandma was here, things would be different," Kendall suddenly said with certainty. "She'd get my dad in line and straighten the whole thing out. She'd fix everything, but she's not here, and it...it sucks."

Kendall's grandmother had passed away no more than two months earlier. She'd been a strong-willed woman, one who took no prisoners, but she loved her grandchildren immensely. Kendall had been her favorite.

The memory of his beloved Nana sent a flood of tears to Kendall's eyes, and Logan knew it was time. He once again scooted close, once again put his arm around Kendall's shoulder, but this time Kendall moved closer to him as well, drawing him in for a tighter hug, a harder back rub, and a more intimate connection. "Why does everything have to change so much?" asked Kendall, tears staining Logan's shirt.

"I don't know," Logan said, staring off into space. He hated to admit it, but deep down, he reveled in this moment. He savored it. He knew he shouldn't have, and he knew it made him a selfish, evil person, but this was where he wanted to be more than anywhere else in the world. Kendall had come to him to cry on his shoulder, and it made him feel bonded to his best friend for life.

Kendall dried his eyes and sniffled a little. He broke apart from the hug, but kept his arm casually on Logan's thigh. He looked at him. Those green eyes, those rain-soaked Irish meadows, reached out to Logan's chocolate brown ones.

"Logan, I want you to promise me...no matter what, no matter what happens to us when we get older, no matter what...promise me you'll never change, Logan. Promise me you'll never leave me, that you're gonna always be here, that you're gonna always stay the same."

Logan could only nod as he felt Kendall come to him for another tight hug. As the fireplace scent in Kendall's clothes invaded his senses, he closed his eyes and, only for a moment, let his mind wander off to a dreamland where he could say what felt natural to him: "I love you." He mouthed the words, but he wouldn't dare say them aloud.

"You're my best friend, man," Kendall said quietly into Logan's ear as they broke apart for the last time.

Only it wasn't the last time. Over the years, there would be more fights between Kendall's parents, there would be more deaths in Kendall's family, there would be moments of lost confidence in Kendall's mind, and there would be foolish, foolish girls to break Kendall's heart. Through it all, Logan would feel like his everything.

He's taken my love for granted, Logan suddenly thought to himself as he sat down on his bed and stared across the room at Kendall's empty one.

Had he not been everything Kendall had asked him to be? Had he not stayed the same? Had he not been there no matter what? He'd done everything he'd been asked to do, and how was Kendall repaying him? He was a great friend, sure, but Logan now wanted more than that. He wanted it so much, it hurt him and made him physically ill. He could not stand to look at Kendall's side of the room without wanting to vomit. He loved him so much, but he knew that love would never ever ever be reciprocated, and it sickened him.

But how could he just expect Kendall to love him? What right did he have to make such a life-changing demand? If he truly felt that he had a valid claim to Kendall's love, Kendall's heart, Kendall's body...why didn't he just get right up, find him, and affirm every single feeling he'd been feeling for God knows how long? Because Kendall would hate him for the rest of their lives, that's why.

But it was Kendall. Kendall, who understood Logan when no one else ever made the effort to do so. Kendall, who had always shown a genuine interest in Logan's random projects. Kendall, who had cried his eyes out in Logan's arms, pulling him closer, begging him through tears to never change, to always be there. Why would Kendall push him away for this? Why would Kendall hate him for just...loving him? Would he not realize that it was his own damn fault for making Logan fall so madly in love with him in the first place? Had that not been his intention?

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Logan screamed at the top of his lungs, falling back onto his bed. It needed to be over. It needed to end. This could not keep going on. Something...good or bad...anything...had to happen. And now.

He remembered what Dr. Riley had told him. Get out, do things, and meet people.

I'll go out, he thought. I'll find someone. Anyone. Anything. And I'll forget about Kendall. Simple as. It's what I should have done ages ago.

He had his plan, and this time he was going to stick to it. Kendall? That dude had to become a distant memory. BUT HOW? If he sat across the dinner table? If his toothbrush was next to Logan's? If his bed was a few feet away? If the scent of his cologne floated around their room? If he looked into Logan's eyes when he sang words of love?

I'll find a way, Logan reassured himself. I'll find a way.

NOTE: Thanks for reading and reviewing! Love you all! :)