AUTHOR'S NOTE: So glad that yall are enjoying this! Your reviews are what fuel me to hammer these chapters out. This one's a little slow, but I think there's still some good stuff to get out of it :) Chapters 8 and 9 are gonna be pretty pivotal!

CHAPTER SEVEN

"Okay, so what do you want to talk about?" Michelle asked when she returned to her and Logan's table.

Logan looked at his plate, struggling to come up with something. He was so drained, but he couldn't let this be a disaster...it just couldn't go down that way. He owed it to himself to make this work, and he also owed it to someone else. Dr. Riley had told him to "get out" and "meet new people." Well, here he was. He was "out" with a "new" person. But he couldn't stop thinking about the old one.

Still, though, he had to make this work, and so he refused to back down.

"I was talking earlier," he said hesitantly, "about The Mysterious Lives of Integers. It's a really, really good hardcover."

Michelle covertly rolled her eyes. This was certainly going to be an ordeal. Now that she'd done her duty for Jo, she felt no obligation to remain in her "math geek" character. As a matter of fact, she wished she could just get up and leave, but that might have been too mean. She'd skipped a date with a really hot aspiring rapper just to help Jo out! She felt like she should have upped her price to at least a hundred dollars, and that thought made her feel like some kind of hooker. Yikes. The only reason she'd even agreed to any of this was so that she could get some more acting practice.

She wasn't going to be an outright bitch to Logan, but maybe if she remained distant enough and showed him how disinterested she was, he'd just cut the date short himself. He wasn't that bad, it seemed, and she was already going to hate herself in the morning for playing this kid like a fool, but pretending to be interested in him would not have been any nicer.

Oh, but she could have exposed Jo's filthy little scheme. That would have been hilarious. But she was a young actress, and fifty dollars was fifty dollars.

"I didn't read that," she finally said. "I don't read much actually, besides Britney's Twitter, and Rihanna's, too. Oh, and French Vogue. I like a little culture every now and then."

"Oh," said Logan. "Um...well..."

Michelle's phone began to vibrate, and the name "Paul" flashed on the screen. She hurriedly grabbed the phone and began to tap out a text message as Logan looked on helplessly.

"Who...was that?" he asked when she slipped the phone into her purse.

"Oh, that? That was...that was my friend. Remember? The one who's taking that class at USC?"

"Oh. But wait, I thought you said she was taking her class at UCLA? And her name's Paul? That's a funny name for a girl!" Logan let out a dry, dry chuckle, because maybe if he chuckled, it wouldn't seem like he was being lied to. Obviously, there had to be some logical explanation for why Michelle's girl friend would be named Paul. Right?

"It's..." Michelle began. "It's supposed to be Paula. With an A. But when I put it into my phone, I was sort of in a hurry, so I forgot to put the A." She was a great young actress, but a horrible liar.

"Oh," said Logan. He didn't buy it, but he wanted to...he had to. "Well, what does she want to know? Maybe I can help. Two heads are better than one, or so I've heard."

"No, it's fine," Michelle said flatly. "She's got it figured out now."

"Oh. Okay."

As Michelle wordlessly tore into her chicken tortellini, she could feel that "I'll hate myself in the morning" feeling coming at her already. She didn't know this guy, but she was probably causing him at least a month of stress and depression with just this one measly night. She glanced up at him as he slurped down his spaghetti, and she pitied him. He was so easy to fool. He either had absolutely no game or something was bothering him. Shit, she thought, maybe Jo's right about him after all.

It made her feel bad for getting involved with this, but she had to think of herself. Fifty dollars. It was nothing in Hollywood, but for a New Mexico girl, it was worth selling her soul to the devil for a night.

Logan could feel the walls closing in on him. The memory of Kendall, the awkwardness with Michelle, and his weakening self-esteem were all working against him. He'd blown this date, he decided. He'd blown the whole thing, and they hadn't even been seated for long. It had to be a record. In less than about forty-five minutes, the entire thing was blown. Michelle was no longer asking questions about Kendall, but she wasn't asking questions about Logan, either, so now what? What was that supposed to mean? He'd vowed to himself to make this work, to forget about Kendall, to hate Kendall! But this was turning out terribly, and he was already giving up.

He still felt like he could get through to her, if only he could have another chance, if only they could have that second date, but his feelings were hurt. He felt like a fool...used and abused by someone who didn't even know him or understand him, someone who was probably laughing at him on the inside because he was so pitiful and pathetic. He felt like Hortense.

The night came to a close with Michelle thanking Logan for dinner and passing him her phone number. Her house phone number...which she nor her father ever used or answered. But she had to do something to make herself feel a little bit better.

As Logan approached the Palm Woods, he felt shame in every inch of his body. This was supposed to be a big, big night, but it turned out to be a big, big mess. It felt like nothing would ever go right for him, not as long as he had Kendall on the brain. He just knew that he would have been in his element with Michelle had he been free of his Kendall love, but he wasn't free, and it killed him.

And then, to top it all off, he still wanted Kendall. Somewhere in him, he wanted to just despise Kendall for invading nearly every thought that filled his head, but he couldn't. He'd felt like Kendall was taunting him, almost, and taking total advantage of his feelings, but how could he blame Kendall for his feelings? All Kendall ever did was care about him. No, this was all Logan's own fault. For having a warped sense of...everything, it seemed.

He couldn't hate Kendall. How could he? He still, after this humdrum evening, just wanted to rest in Kendall's arms. He wanted Kendall to tell him that everything would be all right, that he'd get through this.

The leather-bound journal with "KK" on its cover was held snugly between the chest and knees of its owner.

Kendall was in bed, feverishly writing and erasing and scratching out and rewriting lyric after lyric after lyric. Every single one of them coming from his heart, every single one of them meaning something to him. He always did his best writing right before bed. Best time to think, best time to get in touch with his feelings, best time to mine his heart and soul for raw feeling and emotion.

They were songs that he never showed to anyone.

Some of the most magical, most inspirational moments were those late summer nights, long after everyone else had gone to sleep, when Logan would read by lamp light, and Kendall would write quietly across the room. Every now and then, he'd look up from his work and cast a reflective glance at his best friend, who would be deeply entranced by the works of Asimov, Tolkien, and Rowling. Kendall would smile a small, sincere smile and put his thoughts in writing. It was his only outlet, the only way he could get rid of his inhibitions and let his true colors glow.

Tonight, he seemed to be doing more thinking than writing. He hoped Logan was having a wonderful time...he hoped Logan was having an incredible time. Michelle seemed perfect...smart, pretty, a little nervous. Just like the raven-haired genius himself. There was no reason why they couldn't make a love connection, and Kendall couldn't be happier about the whole situation. Everything would fall into place, and there would be no more scary things for him to worry about. There would be no more chances of things getting complicated, and there would be no more chances of drastic change.

He hated Camille for leaving. Absolutely hated her. To just leave Logan hanging like that...it was just plain cold. But she had no way of knowing just how significant she was, she had no way of knowing just how important she was in the grand scheme of things. It was okay now, though. Kendall never liked her much anyway, and she was gone, and now Michelle would take her place. And if Michelle didn't work out? Someone else would. Kendall would not end his quest until Logan was absolutely, positively happy with a great girl by his side. Then, and only then, could all be well.

He looked over to Logan's empty bed, to the spot where his best friend would silently travel to the wondrous worlds of literature. Everything would work out one day, and Kendall knew it. Everything would work out just the way it was meant to.

Kendall often had a hard time understanding, though, that not all remedies work for all people.

Just as he turned to a fresh page, Logan entered. He wanted to ask how things had gone, but he could immediately tell from Logan's bothered demeanor that things had not gone well. Logan evaded his eyes, so Kendall decided against pressuring him for details.

While showering, Logan tried to think of how he'd answer Kendall's inevitable questions about the date, but he didn't have the heart to come up with a good success story. Besides, Michelle would tell Jo the date sucked, and Jo would tell Kendall the date sucked, so what would be the point in pretending it had gone well? He decided to say nothing and hoped Kendall did the same.

What a hopeless future, he thought to himself as he dragged the bar of soap across his chest. What a hopeless, pointless life. Just running away from everything.

He got out of the shower, took a sleeping pill, and silently went to get into bed.

Kendall watched him carefully. Logan slipped into his bed and pulled the covers up over his face, and Kendall's natural instincts kicked in. The silence...the downcast look on his face...they said all that needed to be said. Logan was upset. And it was Kendall's job to fix it. No matter what he'd always been told about what a "real man" was or what "real guys" did and didn't do for each other, he knew it was his job to fix all of Logan's problems. He held himself completely responsible for Logan's well-being.

He turned his lamp off, enveloping the room in darkness, and quietly slid out of bed. He just as quietly made his way across the room. "So...how did it go?" he asked, sorta cheerfully, as he sat on the side of Logan's bed.

Logan didn't say anything. He just wanted sleep...wonderful, beautiful, glorious, dream-free sleep. He didn't want to deal with Kendall's questions and Kendall's presence. He didn't want to keep remembering how much he struck out with this girl tonight. He didn't want to think about how he'd have to face yet another day of living. He just wanted to be alone. Forever.

"Come on," said Kendall as he pulled the sheets from over Logan's face. "Talk to me."

Logan wearily opened his eyes, and Kendall could feel the sting.

Just go, Kendall, please, Logan wanted to say. Just go back to your bed, go back to your life with Jo, and leave me alone. I don't want to love you anymore...I don't know if I even want to be your friend. I can't be anything to you without loving you.

Kendall looked away before Logan's eyes could break him down. He rose and went to the window. "So you blew it," he announced.

"I really don't feel like talking about it tonight," Logan replied, retreating to safety under the sheets.

As Kendall gazed out the window, he could spot two stars in the sky. Their two stars.

"I'm just trying to look out for you," he said softly, never looking back at the vulnerable lamb that lay in the bed. "I know that you're having sort of a rough go of things, and I know that I probably haven't been the greatest best friend lately, but...I care about you, Logan. I just want you to be happy."

"I know. I'll...I'll be fine. I promise."

Logan could feel the tears starting to roll down his face as he lay in a prone position in the bed. He hoped to God that Kendall wouldn't see them, but Kendall was frozen on the two stars. Two stars, close together. Nothing in between them. Nothing to separate them. Nothing to tell them that they didn't belong together. Two stars.

He shook himself out of his trance. He inhaled deeply and exhaled before returning to the sight of Logan hidden under the sheets. "I'm...gonna get the last of that vanilla ice cream. You want some?"

Logan shook his head surely. No...no. He couldn't bear to be in Kendall's presence much longer. He wanted his pill to kick in as soon as possible.

Kendall nodded uncomfortably and left the room.

Logan lay still in the bed. If Dr. Riley could see him now... So much for getting out. So much for meeting new people. So much for doing something. So much for...anything.

If only things could be easy. If only he could just tell Kendall the truth. If only...if only. Whatever would come of it would have to be better than what he was already experiencing. This immense pain, this heartache. This uncertainty of anything. He could be sure of nothing. He so desperately wanted Kendall's strength and courage. He so desperately wanted Kendall's ability to bite the bullet and go for it. In the back of his mind, though, there was a distinct sense of knowing that even Kendall's strength and courage could only go so far.

Hours later, the boys were asleep in their room, and, unfortunately, Logan was on the verge of yet another magical, mystical land of dreams. This time, however, he wasn't thrust into an explosion of sexual tension and erotic fantasy. No, this time, his dream was much more cerebral, much more realistic, and its effects would be much more profound.

It was their usual time for intimate conversation. Logan came in after his shower to find Kendall sitting on his bed, instead of his own, waiting impatiently.

"Okay, so what is it?" Kendall asked.

"Jeez, Kendall, you wanna give me time to get ready for bed first?" Logan said. He was ready to just say it, but he still wanted to stall. It felt like the whole thing should have been a bit more theatrical.

"Hurry up," Kendall shrugged as he got up to go to his own bed.

Logan watched him go for a second but quickly changed his mind. "No," he said, "stay over here. Sit down. I'm ready."

"Okay," Kendall said restlessly. He sat back down on Logan's bed.

"Okay, okay," Logan began, nervous as hell. "I don't quite know how to say this, but-"

"You can start by sitting down next to me," Kendall suggested. He took Logan's hand and pulled him down to the bed...and he didn't let go. He looked Logan right in the eye and cracked a smile. His own nervousness didn't matter now that he tasked himself with calming Logan down. "Just tell me already."

"Okay," Logan stammered. "Okay. Kendall...you're my best friend."

"Right."

"And you know I care about you."

"Right."

"And...well...I...sort of...have a crush on you."

"Right."

There, Logan thought. I said it.

But wait.

"What do you mean, 'right'?" he asked Kendall. "You knew?"

"Duh! It was hard for me not to know," Kendall pointed out. "You've been crazy about me for years."

Logan was floored. All of this worrying, all of this crying, all of this drama, and Kendall already knew!

"Kendall...I can't believe you knew!" he exclaimed.

"Of course," said Kendall. "And I want you to know that it's cool with me. It's perfectly fine. I mean, I'm not gay...like...not gay, at all, so don't get your hopes up. But I'm not gonna act weird or anything around you now. You're my best friend! I'm just glad you finally got the courage to tell me."

Logan sighed. A part of him was sad about Kendall's insistence that nothing would come of Logan's crush, but it was all right. That had not been his intention anyway.

"Actually," Logan said, "the reason why I'm even telling you this is because I sorta need your help."

"With what?" Kendall asked.

"Well, like you said...you're not gay, and nothing is going to happen between us, and I'm totally fine with that. It's just...well, that really doesn't mean that my feelings for you are going to automatically disappear. See, when you...touch me like you just touched me, and you look at me that way, and you say all of these things to me, it just...it really makes me want you really, really badly."

"Logan, we're friends. I'm going to touch you, I'm going to look at you. And yes, I just might even say nice things to you."

"Yes, I know, Kendall, and I appreciate that. But please...just for my sake...can you knock it off?"

"What do you mean?"

"Just until I can get over you. It shouldn't take long...just be mean to me every now and then. Blow me off every now and then-"

"Whoa whoa whoa! I don't see how that would help you get over me!"

"I meant blow me off for Jo! Like, spend more time with her than you do with me."

"Oh," Kendall said, settling down. He grinned. "If I blew you off, you'd never get over me."

"Oh, Kendall, please," Logan rolled his eyes.

"Hey, I'm just saying. I'm not into that...at all...but if I were? I'd be the best lay you ever got in your life!" Kendall nudged Logan's shoulders.

Logan got up and began to comb his hair. "Yeah, that's exactly what I'm talking about. Unless you're willing to demonstrate, don't say stuff like that."

"All right, I promise."

Kendall went over to his own bed and got under the sheets. "And I'll be a complete asshole, too. Just fucking horrible, I promise. I'll destroy all of your science stuff when you're not looking! And I'll throw all of your books into the pool."

Logan grunted. "Then I'd hate you."

"Exactly!"

Silence for a few minutes. Kendall watched Logan comb his hair and smiled. He was so proud of this guy. He'd known Logan's little secret since the tenth grade. After every single hockey practice, Kendall would feel big, brown eyes trying to get a look at his junk as he showered. Sometimes he'd purposely give Logan something to look at, just to know for sure that his best friend was checking him out, and sure enough, Logan would never miss the opportunity to get a gander. It went much further than that, though. He could always feel Logan's heightened nerves whenever they'd spend time alone together. The way Logan would stutter and sometimes drift off into another world when he was with Kendall. Yeah, Kendall had definitely known already.

But he was proud. Logan had taken a giant leap, and Kendall was proud.

Logan felt that he could now know true happiness. He wouldn't lay around waiting for Kendall to make a move or not make a move or whatever. He'd be free to live his life now. After he got over his Kendall love, at least. But Kendall would help him with that. He'd be less sensitive to Logan's problems, he'd be more rough whenever the guys would play around. He'd probably even skip a shower or two. Just to turn Logan off, just to make Logan get over him, just to make Logan happy.

And, once upon a time, Kendall's willingness to go head first into a plan to make Logan get over him would have made Logan love him even more, but now Logan could feel the weight as it lifted from him. Kendall was his best friend, and, for now, he may have wanted more...but it'd only be a matter of time before he was satisfied with just their strong, crazy, loyal friendship.

"I'm serious, though, Logan," said Kendall. "I'm gonna do whatever you want me to do to make you happy."

"I know."

Logan woke up at 3AM. He didn't sweat, he didn't pant, he wasn't dizzy. He simply opened his eyes and looked across the room at Kendall's sleeping body. Beauty. True beauty.

The dream was not as earth-shattering or mind-blowing as the one from the night before, but it was every bit as potent. What did it mean? Why did he have it here, on this night? And now, the thought wouldn't leave his mind. What if he just did it? What if he just came right out and told Kendall everything?

Of course, he'd thought about doing it before. Just sit him down, tell him "I love you," and wait for him to say the words back. But Logan wasn't that naive. He knew that it wouldn't happen like that, and so any time the thought would creep into his mind, he'd chase it away with a stick and find comfort in the security of his hopelessness.

This time, though...it was feeling different for him. He felt as if he was seeing things more clearly, and he could remember Dr. Riley telling him that he would indeed start to see things more clearly. Was this what he meant? Logan thought about it. Who would be better at helping him get over Kendall than Kendall himself? Kendall always looked out for Logan, and he always did whatever it took to make Logan happy. Why would this be any different? Of course, it wouldn't be as great as the dream - the dream was ideal - but how horrible could it be?

He glanced at Kendall one last time before his tiredness took over his body again. What if he just did it...tomorrow? There was a distinct voice within himself screaming that the whole idea was ludicrous - insane, even! - but, as Logan closed his eyes and felt his hold on his mental processes slipping away, he could hear a voice just as distinct screaming at him to man up and be honest.

Little did Logan know, he wasn't the only one still awake room at that moment.

Kendall was stretched out in his bed, face down, but his eyes were open and staring straight out the window. Those two stars were still there, and they taunted him. He felt as if he'd failed Logan. After he'd come back from finishing up that ice cream, he'd found Logan still hiding under his sheets like a sad puppy, and that was just not the way their friendship worked. That was not how Kendall Knight "fixed things" for Logan.

Kendall and Logan.

Their friendship was unique. It was special. Kendall knew this. It hadn't taken him long to figure it out, either. As a kid in elementary school, he'd always see that funny-looking kid with the big head and big glasses and short legs. Hortense, they called him. What a ridiculous name. But even at a young age, Kendall Knight was a rebel, and if everyone else was making fun of Hortense and bullying him, then Kendall Knight would be friends with him. To hell with what people would say.

To hell with what people would say.

Somehow, ten years later, the older, more mature Kendall Knight couldn't adopt the same mindset. Well, most of the time, he could. He didn't care when people would dismiss Big Time Rush as yet another manufactured, autotuned, overexposed boy band. To hell with those people. He didn't care when some cocky California lunkheads would call him a dumb Minnesota dude. To hell with those lunkheads.

But there was one thing...just one thing...that he couldn't deal with. Just one thing. And it struck within him a vomit-inducing terror.

I'm fixing this, he thought. Before it gets out of hand. Before it goes too far. Before I get sucked in.

NOTE: Straight up, I wrote this chapter maybe six or seven different times before I came up with one that I really really really really really liked and thought was great. But then I decided to rewrite it again because it would have really gotten too far ahead of the plot. Some of you have said that you were worried that the story might be a little one-sided, focusing mainly on Logan and not getting a whole lot of Kendall's POV, but I promise you I don't do one-sided lol I am completely unable to write something without fully explaining, in detail, what's going on with every relevant character. Just have a little patience, because the pay-off is so going to be worth it!