"Of course you should call him! What part of 'call me' do you not understand?"

"Uh…"

"Stop being a little immature child and be a man! Come on, its so entirely romantic Virgil, you can't pass this up. This is your notebook moment, your chance to do something that isn't pointless! You have to call him. Have to. In fact, if you don't, I'll cut your tiny nuts off!"

My brother was pacing around my room, screaming like we were being attacked by goddam demons. I had gone close to a week without even going near a demon inside was scolding me for not calling Nero(or as he put it his future mate) but another part of me(the sane part) was telling me this was just too good to be true.

I mean, there's always a catch, right?

Somebody couldn't be intelligent, optimistic, and incredibly cute at the same time. There had to be something wrong, he was just too perfect. He had to be hooked on heroin or he has some freaky bestiality fetish. I just…didn't trust this whole situation.

Actually…my pessimism didn't trust this whole situation.

So I did a noble thing, a desperate thing, a stupid thing.

I had turned to my brother Dante for advice. Oh lord.

"Are you listening Virgie? I'm going to inflict bodily injuries on you! I'm going to hang you by your own intestines and then I'm going to do the same to your family so your genes and your stupidity don't get passed around."

"But Dant, you're my family."

"Yeah well I'm thinking about committing suicide after realizing I'm related to somebody as incompetent as you."

Good ol' Dante. He was the temperamental type. The short fuse. He'll snap and rip your head off when he pleases. Unfortunately he also uses aggression as his way of affection.

If he's not trying to kill you then you're doing something wrong.

"Would you fuckin calm down? Goddam, keep hopping around like that and you just might drop a deuce."

"Yeah? Maybe I'll drop my foot up your ass!"

I rolled my eyes. "Look, I'm just a little nervous okay? We all know you're the one who apparently inherited the balls in this family."

"Dam straight, which is why I have his number right here."

Immediately his expression grew devious.

At that moment I knew I was in some serious shit.

"You wouldn't dare." I hissed.

"Oh, I would."

I shot up from the bed just as the little demon ran out my door and down the hall screaming that I was going to get married and have lots of babies.

Of course the bitch was too fast for me and soon I was enjoying a face full of door.

"Bitch," I screeched. "You better open this door or I'll go down to your bullshit school and tell all your whore friends you're pregnant!"

On the other side the devil himself cackled. "Don't you watch TV anymore Virgie? Teen pregnancy is practically idolized. Everybody would fuckin praise me."

Fuck!

"That's gross." I hissed. And this is exactly why I aint straight. Girls are disgusting.

"I'm dialing his number!" He cheered.

"Come on! I know deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep… never mind, I think I just proved myself wrong."

I froze when I heard my brother sing 'hello.'

"Is this Nero?" Pause. "Hi Nero, this is Dante, I'm Virgil's brother." (Yeah, that's still under debate.)

Suddenly I got an idea. I crept off to the garage for a few minutes, rummaging around and pulling out dad's old tool kit. I'm going to give this bitch a run for his money.

"Oh em gee, I can totally be the man of honor and it can be a summer wedding because summer is so in right now!"

I groaned.

I left them for five minutes and already they're planning my wedding.

One by one I started undoing each screw in the door, each one making a little clink sound when they hit the floor.

Finally, when the doorknob collapsed completely, I kicked the mother fucking door open, Chuck Norris style.

"I'm going to kill you, then I'm going to bring you back and kill you again, then I'm going to hire some giant ape to rape your mutilated corpse!"

Ah, brotherly love.

Dante screamed chucking the phone at the wall and kicking me in the balls before retreating out the door.

I would've run after him if it wasn't for the laughter I could clearly hear from the phone (that and I was practically disabled at the moment.)

So I crawled towards said phone, cursing the day me and friend had thought it was funny to hide my mother's birth control pills.

"H-Hello?"

Only laughter could be heard on the other line, pure unfiltered laughter. "S-S-Summer Wed…" Nero tried desperately to stop wheezing and laughing long enough to actually hold a conversation. "D-Dude your brother is comedy gold! Please wrap him up and send him to Dane Cook or something!"

"Or something." I muttered.

"Oh come on, lighten up, remember what we said about enjoying the little things?"

"Dante isn't a little thing. He's a big pain in my ass."

"Oh you're no fun. Anyways, I'm just glad to hear from you at all, I was beginning to think you wouldn't call."

At that very moment, I felt horrible. "I was! I really was. I was just nervous."

Then I shifted from feeling horrible to feeling utterly embarrassed in less than ten seconds.

I sounded just like a girl!

"Don't worry Virgie (Dante!) I won't bite."

"Yeah, whatever, kick me while I'm down why don't-cha?"

"Its not kicking, it's called playing soccer!"

I couldn't help but smile at that statement. "Can we stop talking about my girliness and start talking about our date?"

"Oh, is that still on? According to your brother 'we should just skip the chatter and have sex already.'"

"I'm game."

Nero chuckled. "You wish pansy boy. How does tomorrow night at eight sound to you?"

"Sounds like a date."

I heard my devil brother cheering from the kitchen.

In return I put the phone down for a second. "You better be hiding somewhere good you little devil slut, cause we're playing hide-n-seek, cept in this game when I find you I shave a chunk of your hair off!" I heard a loud yelp followed but the pattering of frantic footsteps causing me to smile triumphantly as I put the phone back to my ear.

"That bitch is going to get it."

"Speaking of your brother, he said we'd have three kids and two of them would be ginger but I think two guys with silver hair should have some sort of immunity to the whole thing I mean, come on! Plus, if I'm going push a child out of me, I'm only doing it once. I'm not superman y'know."

I groaned, realizing that sometimes, some things, just don't make sense.

That night when my parents came home, they found my brother with the left side of his hair shaved off and me tied to a tree in a dress.

Suffice to say we had some explaining to do.